I am a horrible, horrible person

[Xztop]

Posting here for traffic...
My dad was rushed to hospital on Thursday for emergency surgery. He is very ill but as far as I know will eventually make a full recovery.
I'm going to visit him on Sunday but I don't want to go. I am dreading it. I can't cope with any kind of illness or weakness. I'm fully aware there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I will of course be forcing myself to go and would never let him know I don't want to be there. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

My mum is currently in hospital and I dread going to see her - I’m quite thankful that visiting is so limited. That said, I give myself a good talking to and I go as often as I’m allowed. I always feel better for having done it. She has Alzheimer’s and isn’t really aware of whether I’ve been or not - I’m not sure if that is better or worse though.

You don't want to go because you're frightened. That makes you human. You're going anyway, that makes you a good and brave person.

Have a random hug.

It makes complete sense. It’s really hard to come to terms with your parents getting older and having to face their mortality. You’re not vile, you’re human.

Absolutely that. You're actually better than the average person, because despite how you feel, you're going to visit him anyway. That's courage.

@Xztop

Now I have actually written it down and 'voiced' my issues out loud I suspect it's because I'm scared.

I want to see him but i dont want to see him in hospital if that makes any sense. But I will of course be going and won't let him know how I feel because I am fully aware it's not about me!

I think you have nailed it OP. And bless you for being brave because your Dad needs you

Of course you're not horrible . I've no doubt your father will want to see you, and the fact you're making yourself go proves that you're a nice person.

I think how you’re feeling is quite normal OP. Nobody likes to see their loved ones weak and vulnerable. And the fact that you are pushing yourself to visit your dad despite your trepidation means that you most definitely are not a horrible person. Hope all goes well and that your dad makes a speedy recovery.

I don't think it makes you a horrible person, and a few of the responses on this thread are awful and lacking in empathy.

It is a horrible experience going to see a parent in that condition, whether in hospital or at home. It is something that we all know we will have to do at some point, and when that time comes we just get on with it, as OP is going to be doing. Not something you look forward to, just something you have to do when the time comes.

I've had several such moments over the last couple of years with my Dad, particularly last year when he was dying. It was awful. I hated it, but like OP, I wouldn't have not gone to see him.

Actions speak louder than words. Despite your anxieties, you are going to visit your father. You are very far from being ‘horrible.’ You cannot help your feelings about illness/weakness, but clearly they cause you difficulties. Might some form of talking therapy help?

Are your anxieties restricted to health issues or do they extend to your perception of lack of psychological strength? Do they affect how you behave towards others on an everyday basis? (Just for reflection).

I hope your father will now make good progress.

@Xztop

Now I have actually written it down and 'voiced' my issues out loud I suspect it's because I'm scared.

I want to see him but i dont want to see him in hospital if that makes any sense. But I will of course be going and won't let him know how I feel because I am fully aware it's not about me!

You're not horrible at all. It makes sense, it's always hard to see a loved one, unwell. It's good that you have voiced your feelings here anonymously and hopefully that will make you feel stronger on the day. I hope that he makes a good recovery.

Now I have actually written it down and 'voiced' my issues out loud I suspect it's because I'm scared. I get it @Xztop, and your update confirmed what I suspected. This is your dad, he is supposed to be the strong one in the family who everyone looks up to, the thought of him unwell will be soul destroying. You'll be fine, big girl pants on and remember you are going for him, not for you.

You don't want to go because you're frightened. That makes you human. You're going anyway, that makes you a good and brave person.

This ^^ You’re definitely not a horrible person. 💐

@Goodbyetowinter

It's about what's best for him, not you. It's not all about you. He's ill, in hospital and you don't want to visit him? I missed one day visiting my dad in hospital as my husband had invited his friends for a bbq. Dad unexpectedly died the next morning and the nurse told me off for missing the previous day's visit. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Your poor, poor father.

The nurse told you off for missing ONE day, and did this when your father had just died?? Sorry, she sounds like a cruel bitch and I'm so sorry she treated you like that. It's a long haul when someone is seriously ill in hospital and relatives do need a break. You were there every other day showing your father you loved him and you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

In any case, the OP has not said she won't go, just that she really isn't looking forward to it because illness makes her uncomfortable. As long as she keeps her feelings from her Dad, nothing to feel bad about.

I understand this totally. I've just had to visit my DBro who has early onset dementia and, despite what I was told by family, had no idea what I was going into. (live in a different country). I was more worried my reaction would upset him, or SIL, or the nieces/nephews. As it happened, it was very pleasant and I'm glad I went. He didn't recognise me at all, confusing me with his dds/DIL (result - all of them 30 years younger!). The only time I broke down was when a cousin visited and it was like DBro of old was there - laughing and joking and impersonating our DF.

I've already been through this with DGPs, parents and DSis who all died of cancers but it just doesn't get any easier. When DF and DSis were ill, both DBros didn't visit as "they couldn't face it". That made it so much harder for the rest of us.

Wishing you well, OP.

It's really hard when someone is unwell. I've had it with elderly relatives and a younger relative, which was even more difficult. I had to steel myself to go, every single time. But once I'd been I always felt glad I'd gone.

What you're feeling is totally normal and you're not a monster!

I think that some people have to forget about how they feel about this situation, and just have to face up to any eventuality like serious illness happening etc..

If you had the situation where family or whoever, just suddenly became seriously ll, and you had to call an ambulance, and they were taken to hospital, you may have to follow on to the hospital, and eventually see the outcome of the person concerned, lying in a hospital bed, in goodness knows what situation. So their urgency of all things, surpasses what you yourself think about not wanting to see a sick person..

OP nobody likes it. It’s scary and it’s a reminder of our lives one’s and our own mortality. You don’t have to want to go, you just need to. It will be better when you get there I’m sure. Just hold his hand and be there.

*!reminder of our loved one’s and our

I don’t think you’re horrible - you’re self aware, and brave enough to vent here and take a look at your issue.

You just need strategies to get over the fear because once you’re sat beside him, the setting and the machinery and the illness will fade back and you’ll be with your dad and he’ll be so glad to have you there.

All you have to do really is walk in, say “hi dad, how are you?” and the rest will take care of itself.

And if you want to know why I’m so certain it’s because I’m just as “horrible” or intimidated in these situations.

You are not horrible at all.

(And I'm the opposite, feel comfortable around unwell people. But have plenty of other things that I find difficult!).

I think everyone has things that they find hard to face.

I can totally understand what you feel and you are not a horrible person. It's so painful to see someone who is dear to you hurting.

Of course you're not horrible! You're going and it's not that you just don't want to, it's a reaction you (currently) can't help.

I agree that it's probably that you're scared.

Did you lose a grandparent or something as a child, after they'd been ill? Simplistic I know, but I bet it's something like that triggering, possibly even when you were pre verbal.

It's probably something you should speak to someone trained about because these situations are going to get more, not less, frequent as you get older.

I'm sure some counselling and you'll largely be able to lose this feeling

I sympathise OP. My mum has been in and out of hospitals and care homes for the last 2 months. We aren't close (she is not a good person or a loving mum) but I make myself visit because I'm all she has. I hate every second and the anxiety attached to the visits takes its toll on my BP, my resting heart rate and my sleep quality but I make myself do it. I'm hoping that we will eventually ease into a routine and I will find it easier.

Good luck.

Some people are being harsh OP, considering you plan to overcome your feelings and go. Lots of people feel like you, for lots of reasons, including me, and I'm a nurse. As PP said - it's your intentions/actions that matter. I hope it goes OK, and your Dad is better soon 💐

It doesn't mean you're a horrible person at all. I've been completely at ease around frail, sick and dying people for as long as I can remember (going back to when I was four and my mother and grandmother were caring for my great-grandparents) and went into healthcare as a career, but one of my sisters, who's at least as nice a person as I am, is phobic about illness and would go to pieces if asked to do practical nursing tasks, and all but one of my own children are like her (the other is definitely mine). I see it in families I look after at work too.

I applaud you for biting the bullet and resolving to keep your discomfort under wraps while you're with your dad. It's likely to be a much less unpleasant experience than you expect.

@Goodbyetowinter

It's about what's best for him, not you. It's not all about you. He's ill, in hospital and you don't want to visit him? I missed one day visiting my dad in hospital as my husband had invited his friends for a bbq. Dad unexpectedly died the next morning and the nurse told me off for missing the previous day's visit. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Your poor, poor father.

That's an awful, awful thing for a nurse - or anyone - to say to you, @Goodbyetowinter.

My mum was in a hospice for weeks. I was there everyday and often overnight. She passed away when I had gone home to have a shower.

The nurses there said to me that people often 'wait' until they are in their own to eventually go. They see it all the time and were completely kind and caring.

Your dad could have passed away when you went to the loo or to put money in the car park meter. They should never, ever have said that to you. There is no guilt due to you.