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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a horrible, horrible person

107 replies

Xztop · 15/04/2022 13:28

Posting here for traffic...
My dad was rushed to hospital on Thursday for emergency surgery. He is very ill but as far as I know will eventually make a full recovery.
I'm going to visit him on Sunday but I don't want to go. I am dreading it. I can't cope with any kind of illness or weakness. I'm fully aware there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I will of course be forcing myself to go and would never let him know I don't want to be there. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:
nitsandwormsdodger · 15/04/2022 15:21

A horrible person would not go at all
You are being brave so stop beating yourself up
I have a few phobias and in my experience the only way to get rid of them is to face them
Can you pop into the hospital just for a coffee and cake to start with and leave
Go with a friend who will cheer you on ( then leave )
Take things in to distract you both like a set of photos to look at and talk about or some nice food to share distraction is key
If you get overwhelmed you can always excuse yourself to the toilet or go fetch a newspaper- having an “ out” exit for a break is calming maybe take in some essential oils to spritz yourself and a hanky for your dad to calm him
Be kind to yourself this is a significant trauma
If you panic sit in the hospital until panic goes away and keep visiting

Sylfia · 15/04/2022 15:22

@Goodbyetowinter

It's about what's best for him, not you. It's not all about you. He's ill, in hospital and you don't want to visit him? I missed one day visiting my dad in hospital as my husband had invited his friends for a bbq. Dad unexpectedly died the next morning and the nurse told me off for missing the previous day's visit. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Your poor, poor father.
Please stop feeling like this if you can. The nurse had no business telling you off. If your father was like mine (RIP) he'd have wanted you to enjoy yourself at the BBQ, not traipse in like a robot at regular intervals. It's the whole life that counts - there's nothing magical about the last visit.

OP, you should probably visit. But if there's a larger family to share the load, you could also split the caring - so long as he has company, you could be getting shopping in for him etc. If it's anxiety around visiting, bring something to watch with him / someone else to chat/ kids to keep things going, if possible. Or a stack of favourite reading. Or playing cards / scratchcards. He's probably not at his most sociable either.

PinkiOcelot · 15/04/2022 15:23

My mam is currently dying. She has end stage dementia and her body is failing.
I’m sat here with her now but my brother isn’t coming back. He says he can’t stand it and doesn’t know how I do it. I couldn’t not come but I do understand where he’s coming from.

Original poster
Xztop · 15/04/2022 15:25

Thank you everyone, I was honestly expecting to be crucified on here!!

I've never had to deal with any kind of illness within the family which is why I'm struggling I think. I'm in my mid 40s so I know how lucky I am, believe me.
Thank you to those who suggested some kind of therapy, I'll definitely look into it.

OP posts:
Sylfia · 15/04/2022 15:26

Great advice from @nitsandwormsdodger

GreenNewDealNow · 15/04/2022 15:33

You don't have to 'say' anything. Just sit with them. It's not your job to fix everything and say the right thing.

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2022 15:36

This doesn’t make you a horrible person at all - it just signifies that you struggle to handle your emotions with regard to illness! Don’t beat yourself up - would some CBT help?

strawberriesarenot · 15/04/2022 15:41

You are not horrible to acknowledge a weakness. I find hospitals very stressful. I dread going.- I think because I had a very frightening time in hospital as a child.
Like you, there are times when I still have to make myself go, and make sure it doesn't show. I plan visits with a sort of mini list of things I can talk about and do when I get there. It helps me feel more in control.

Marvellousmadness · 15/04/2022 15:43

You are making this about YOU and it isnt
Its about him. Woman up. Nobody likes hospitals or ill people

MarriedThreeChildren · 15/04/2022 15:44

I get it @Xztop.

For me there is this fear of what could be, disability, pain and death. And there is the fear of not knowing what to say, of saying the wrong thing or not being able to say anything.
My mum is like too!

It doesn’t make you an awful person. Just someone who is fearful. We all are.
And 👏👏👏 about the fact you are still going. It takes courage and compassion (because very clearly you are still going out of compassion for your dad)

MarriedThreeChildren · 15/04/2022 15:46

Btw @Xztop ignore the posters who tell you to woman up etc…

They either lack in compassion or are unable to put themselves in some else shoes and imagine how you can feel.

(This is even more true because you ARE planning to go anyway so berating you is really not appropriate)

Original poster
Xztop · 15/04/2022 15:48

@MarriedThreeChildren
Thank you x

OP posts:
334bu · 15/04/2022 15:48

And 👏👏👏 about the fact you are still going. It takes courage and compassion (because very clearly you are still going out of compassion for your dad)

Exactly. Don't beat yourself up..True courage is doing something despite being afraid.

Iwab82 · 15/04/2022 15:49

I think a lot of people feel like you. Also, it's hard seeing a parent ill. You are seeing him despite this. I think that makes you brave.

EinsteinaGogo · 15/04/2022 15:54

OP,

Everyone is different. Visiting sick loved ones doesn't bother me in the slightest,

It's not a skill, it's just something that doesn't cross my mind to think twice about.

Some other things do though. I bet you are stronger in areas some other people aren't.

I hope all goes well. Take your time and do whatever works best for you xx

Kurtanforpm · 15/04/2022 15:58

I understand totally Flowers

This is my life. My dad has dementia and is in a care home. I visit twice a week and he comes here for a day at the weekend. My life is just constant dread for these visits. Dementia is the gift that keeps on giving with its shitty little surprises. I never know if he will be suicidal or accusing me of stealing his money and imprisoning him.

The visits are all that keep him going though. And if I missed one, it would be so much worse. So I just have to suck it up and live this half life (We have no other family at all, it’s only ever been the two of us since I was small).

Original poster
Xztop · 15/04/2022 16:00

@Kurtanforpm
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. Sending love to you Flowers

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 15/04/2022 16:04

@PinkiOcelot

My mam is currently dying. She has end stage dementia and her body is failing. I’m sat here with her now but my brother isn’t coming back. He says he can’t stand it and doesn’t know how I do it. I couldn’t not come but I do understand where he’s coming from.
Please accept a massive hug from me. I sat with my mum to the end and I’m so glad I did. She had the same illness. It’s so hard and your feelings are so mixed. Be kind to yourself. 💐
namechangeranonymouse · 15/04/2022 16:04

You are not alone in hating going to hospital and hating seeing people you love sick or in pain. Most people feel a sick dread at hospital visiting. I know I do and I worked in one for years!

However you have to not make it about yourself, but go because he needs you to show you care and to make him feel better about his experience. It will be hard, but once you are there it seems to fade away and you see only your loved one.

please don't just speak of facetime him and not visit. He needs his loved ones for comfort.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 15/04/2022 16:34

My ex was like this and it absolutely gave me a horrible experience.

As an adult, you get over yourself and suck it up for the person you love or care about.

Sorry it sounds brutal but these situations are part of the process of living. A person who won't deal with it or can't is indeed horrible (imo but obviously I've been hurt by this kind of person so I'm biased)

me4real · 15/04/2022 16:52

A lot of people don't like hospitals at all, it's quite common. And of course you wouldn't want to see family members being really ill.

notanothertakeaway · 15/04/2022 16:54

Most people find it hard.i wonder, could you ask a friend to come along for moral support ie someone not involved / more detached?

CarryonCovid · 15/04/2022 16:58

I am a doctor and you are completely normal and not a horrible person at all, feeling as you do is incredibly common. I would be upfront with the nurses on the ward about how you feel, they will have seen it all before and will support you with it. The first time always the worstFlowers

BlueOverYellow · 15/04/2022 16:59

A lot of people really struggle with hospitals and illness. My mum does, as my dad passed away suddenly in one.

Deep breath before you go in, remind yourself you're there to be there for someone you love, and make a beeline for his room. Don't linger elsewhere in the building. Focus on the positives while you're in there.

Flowers
tkwal · 15/04/2022 17:06

There is nothing wrong with you being honest about your feelings. As far as I know , hospitals are still being pretty strict about visitation so if you're making way for someone who might not otherwise be allowed in they might be better placed to lift his spirits. Make time to see him when he gets home though, you will be able to appreciate the strength needed to recover

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