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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a horrible, horrible person

107 replies

Xztop · 15/04/2022 13:28

Posting here for traffic...
My dad was rushed to hospital on Thursday for emergency surgery. He is very ill but as far as I know will eventually make a full recovery.
I'm going to visit him on Sunday but I don't want to go. I am dreading it. I can't cope with any kind of illness or weakness. I'm fully aware there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I will of course be forcing myself to go and would never let him know I don't want to be there. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:
EliyanahM · 15/04/2022 17:08

@IAMGE

I spent years trying at times to have a relationship with mine - they are abusive narcs here but the child inside me always wants their love. Because I stood up to them they don’t talk to me despite living round the corner. If my father goes to hospital I won’t go - he didn’t want to know me when he was ‘healthy’ so why should I go to see him just to please him! Absolutely not.
This is me too! Mine are super old now and I already picked my funeral outfit. Grin
Theunamedcat · 15/04/2022 17:12

It's awful and I hate it I missed my nans passing due to my fear I think if I could have driven I might have gone but I relied on my mum and she knows how fearful I am so she told me it's not nan there anymore she just looks asleep she is pretty much gone it was my nightmare so I said no its fine I won't go huge regret nan held on for ages mum told her she isn't coming don't make her see you like this and she died not long after I think she held on for me ive cried for years in regret over that day

You can do this its really hard though and I understand where your coming from

entropynow · 15/04/2022 17:12

@Goodbyetowinter

It's about what's best for him, not you. It's not all about you. He's ill, in hospital and you don't want to visit him? I missed one day visiting my dad in hospital as my husband had invited his friends for a bbq. Dad unexpectedly died the next morning and the nurse told me off for missing the previous day's visit. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. Your poor, poor father.
@Goodbyetowinter

Oh for God's sake knock off the "your poor, poor father" crap. Just because you feel guilty (needlessly I might add, and the nurse was bang out of order, no-one knew that was the day in advance) no need to make OP take on your exaggerated burden.
Unhelpful and frankly nasty post of the day award

YayitisfinallySpring · 15/04/2022 17:17

@entropynow You win the nasty quote of the day award. Totally unnecessary remarks to someone who was concerned that the OP might regret not overcoming her fear of sick people and hospitals.

drpet49 · 15/04/2022 17:38

It isn't about you, it is about him and how your visit and support makes him feel.

^This. Your reaction isn’t normal

Riverlee · 15/04/2022 17:54

I would feel the same as you. I think it’s quite common - a combination of fear of the unknown, seeing your parent ill, the hospital environment etc.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 15/04/2022 17:55

It will be upsetting and concerning. Of course you have feelings about it and want to avoid it. We cant help how we feel but we can affect what we do and that is the key.

Echobelly · 15/04/2022 18:00

I think a lot of people find illness/hospital really hard to deal with, it doesn't make you a bad person at all. It can make people feel scared, helpless and all sorts.

MatildaTheCat · 15/04/2022 18:04

@PinkiOcelot

My mam is currently dying. She has end stage dementia and her body is failing. I’m sat here with her now but my brother isn’t coming back. He says he can’t stand it and doesn’t know how I do it. I couldn’t not come but I do understand where he’s coming from.
When my Dad was dying with dementia I also couldn’t bear to not visit while my Mother and brother went only under sufferance (Mum went much more than brother but clearly hated going). I didn’t judge either of them, sickness is an ugly beast.

When Covid struck and none of us could visit it was daggers in my heart. I’m still filled with rage and sorrow that he died alone.

OP just do your best. Stay a short time, do something practical like tidying his things or helping him to wash.

Wishing you both well.

Benmac · 15/04/2022 18:14

I am hopeless with sick people. Hospitals make me ill. I think it is the smell they all seem to have. I am a legend in my family and not in a nice way for how inadequate I am in sick room situations.
Once when my mum was rushed to hospital I went to ward to visit her. Took one look at her after she had been in surgery and fainted. No one was amused.

LollyLol · 15/04/2022 18:19

My db felt that way and did not bother to come and see our dad when he was dying. Or my uncle. Or my mum, on two occasions (the second time she died, and after she passed he didn’t bother to come and see me either to check I was ok).

So I don’t think you’re at all horrible. You’re human. It’s frightening and stressful and unpleasant, and you will do it anyway. That’s courage and the absolute opposite of being horrible.

Your dad will be proud of you 🌷

Scottishnewmum · 15/04/2022 18:21

I did with all of my grandparents. I later regretted not visiting more often but then each time dreaded it so much again that I put it off.

starrynight21 · 15/04/2022 18:24

I can't cope with any kind of illness or weakness

How about looking at it this way - your Dad probably doesn't like having to cope with being ill or weak either , but he doesn't get the choice. If you remind yourself of that, you might be able to offer him some support, rather than thinking about how it affects you.

DragonOverTheMoon · 15/04/2022 18:26

I'm ok with anyone else but parents and grandparents being ill/vulnerable/upset. It literally makes me cringe so hard and feel awful in my stomach. When my lovely lovely nan had breast cancer I could barely visit her. I did, and often, but it made me cringe so much, I couldn't hug her.

Alcemeg · 15/04/2022 18:29

I try not to worry so much about saying the wrong thing since the penny dropped, late in life, that there is never actually a "right" thing to say in any circumstances. There is no script to follow and everyone is just making it up as they go along. The main thing is to mean well.

FrankLeeSpeaking · 15/04/2022 18:32

You are not a horrible person.
You are going despite your dread, that makes you strong.
I hope your dad makes a full and fast recovery.

HardbackWriter · 15/04/2022 18:38

@drpet49

*It isn't about you, it is about him and how your visit and support makes him feel.*

^This. Your reaction isn’t normal

Why would you be so unpleasant when she's said that she is going to go? Your utter lack of empathy seems abnormal to me.
Cocycola · 15/04/2022 18:45

You are most certainly not a horrible person! I have an idea how you feel. My dad is in his 80s and declining in health, both physical (mobility) and more recently, cognitively (not yet sure if it is just general old age or something more). As much as I love him and want to see him and spend time with him as time is running out, I also find myself dreading visiting my parents because if my dad is having a bad day with his mobility or has a confused moment, I feel upset. I feel awful about that and I know it sounds selfish, but i think I just hate seeing him like that and it is in my face that he is struggling and nearing the end of his once active life. I am usually the type of person to face up to things I'd rather not, however on this, no, I wish I could run away and pretend it isn't happening.

Do you think this is why you don't want to see your dad when he is ill? You don't feel up to seeing him ill and you are aware he is getting older so would prefer not to have the situation there in front of you where you can't avoid it?

Obviously the main person involved is the person who is ill, however close family's feelings matter too. It affects everyone. I hope your dad recovers soon and if you visit, it goes ok Flowers

Original poster
Xztop · 15/04/2022 18:52

@Cocycola Yes, I think it's exactly that!! We're a very small family and I just havent had to face up to these yet. I said in a previous post I've been really lucky to get to mid 40s without having to.

I'm just scared really and I can't hide from it. Before anyone says it, I know its about him and not me!!! Which is why I'll go and him or the rest of my family will never know how I really feel.

OP posts:
Cocycola · 15/04/2022 19:05

@Xztop I am the same, I am mid 40s and been so lucky to have never experienced abyone close be very ill. I think if we get to this age without this experience, it makes it worse when it does inevitably happen.

You are doing the right thing visiting your dad, and you are entitled to how you feel about it. It is perfectly natural and don't feel bad about it.

SadButTheTruth · 15/04/2022 19:09

Totally normal and yes it’s based on fear and not knowing you’re going to do or say the right thing. I deal with it by just pushing through and trying to deal with all the practical rather than emotional stuff as it makes me feel like I’m actually helping and there is a benefit to the patient. Hope he makes a speedy recovery.

Hbh17 · 15/04/2022 19:13

I don't think anybody should be under any obligation to visit anybody else in hospital - it is entirely personal choice. I don't doubt that many patients would rather have peace & quiet than loads of visitors traipsing through. I sincerely hope that I will be left alone if it transpires that I die in hospital, because I believe it is a time when solitude will be precious.

nettie434 · 15/04/2022 19:15

@Xztop

Thank you everyone, I was honestly expecting to be crucified on here!!

I've never had to deal with any kind of illness within the family which is why I'm struggling I think. I'm in my mid 40s so I know how lucky I am, believe me.
Thank you to those who suggested some kind of therapy, I'll definitely look into it.

Xztop It's really hard when your first experience of serious illness is when it is someone you are really close to.

You are really brave to do this when it's hard for you. There are a few things that might make it less of a shock for you. Be prepared for your dad to look a bit different - major surgery does take it out of people (sorry that sounds so stating the obvious). After major surgery, he will not necessarily be up for a long visit. What will matter to him is that you are there. Little things like bringing some wipes or an eye mask to wear at night might help him feel more comfortable and you feel better for doing something practical.

catscatscurrantscurrants · 15/04/2022 19:16

I sympathise, OP. You're not a horrible person at all. My Dad was in hospital two years ago, and I felt really scared and upset when I went to visit him, but reminded myself each time that this was for my dad, I had to smile and be supportive for him.

TicTac80 · 15/04/2022 19:20

[quote Xztop]@Cocycola Yes, I think it's exactly that!! We're a very small family and I just havent had to face up to these yet. I said in a previous post I've been really lucky to get to mid 40s without having to.

I'm just scared really and I can't hide from it. Before anyone says it, I know its about him and not me!!! Which is why I'll go and him or the rest of my family will never know how I really feel.[/quote]
It’s ok to be scared OP. That’s completely normal. Please talk to the nurses on the ward. They should support you. I’m a nurse and I’d happily do what I can to make sure family are supported. It’s a completely different environment and situation from where you would normally see your Dad, so of course it is going to feel scary. Tell one of us on the ward. Let us help you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Also, if you feel up to it, see about talking to the hospital chaplains. You don’t need to be religious, or follow a faith - they’re there to help and support too.

Oh, and I don’t/won’t judge anyone who prefers not to come in and visit/be there when someone dies etc. Its very much an individual thing. And until someone is in that situation, people can’t just judge.

Both my parents died in the hospital that I work in. I was there when my mum died, but missed my dad dying by about 5 minutes (there was no indication that he was going to imminently die: I’d popped home with the kids and he had a very fast deterioration). It’s crap but it’s meant that I know what it feels like being on the “other side”, so hopefully makes me a better support for patients and relatives. Xx

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