I am a horrible, horrible person

[Xztop]

Posting here for traffic...
My dad was rushed to hospital on Thursday for emergency surgery. He is very ill but as far as I know will eventually make a full recovery.
I'm going to visit him on Sunday but I don't want to go. I am dreading it. I can't cope with any kind of illness or weakness. I'm fully aware there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I will of course be forcing myself to go and would never let him know I don't want to be there. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

You are not horrible at all @Xztop
Could you make up a little hamper of things that your Dad would appreciate ? Nice drinks, sweets to suck, snacky foods he might like, earplugs, an eye mask , a magazine or a newspaper ? I once had a relative bring in a pillow spray, which the patient shared round the bay, it was the nicest smelling bay in the whole ward !
Then think about any stuff he might be interested in to hear about before you go, local news, contentious planning matters and roadworks, people you know who have been on holiday, had children, got married or divorced, don't think because he is a bloke he won't be interested in gossip ! , family stuff, funny things the children or pets have done, current affairs, that sort of thing, its good to have a few things to chat about, once you have done the 'how are you ?' . It is incredibly dull being in hospital, a bit like Groundhog day.

No matter how you feel about it, he will be feeling worse.
You can't not visit him just because it upsets you. That would be selfish and cruel.

No one likes hospitals because they make you feel vulnerable and aware of your mortality.

i can empathise fully with this when my grandad was dying i couldnt bring myself to visit him i cried everyday and the day I finally resolved that tomorrow i was putting my big girl pants on and going to visit was the day he died still feel guilty 9 years on i saw my nan the day she passed as i was pressured by family to be there even though i really didnt want to and my other grandad passed very quickly during the night. My remaining nan is currently dying ive been once and probably wont go again unless she asks for me. no guilt there.

Lots of people are a bit phobic about going into hospitals. Facetime him, send a get well card and visit when he gets home.

@drpet49

*It isn't about you, it is about him and how your visit and support makes him feel.*

^This. Your reaction isn’t normal

It's normal for the OP. And me. And quite a few other people.

[quote YayitisfinallySpring]@entropynow You win the nasty quote of the day award. Totally unnecessary remarks to someone who was concerned that the OP might regret not overcoming her fear of sick people and hospitals. [/quote]
She wasn't concerned,give over. She was trying to guilt the OP. But hey, whatever makes you happy that I'm the villain here 🤷

You are not a terrible person Op. It is hard seeing someone you love ill and vulnerable and TBH I don't think many people like visiting or being in hospital.

The important bit though is that are going to visit your Dad despite your feelings because you know it's the right thing to do for your Dad, because you love him and because he will be pleased to see you.
As someone upthread said, bravery is doing the deed despite your fears. Don't feel bad, just remember that there are thousands of us who feel just like you. Hope the visit goes well and that you Dad makes a full recovery.