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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
11stonesomething · 15/04/2022 08:32

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/04/2022 08:33

Even for the evening do, maybe she only had a certain number of invites. Venues do have a maximum capacity and if there are any food or drinks offered in the evening, that would also tip up the costs.

Our venue had maximum 200 capacity. After we had factored in my massive family, DHs medium sized family, my small circle of friends and his massive circle of friends, we easily hit 160 for the day time. Evening guests were our work colleagues, and people were friendly with. Parents friends were invited but only had a few invites and was mainly for the friends who made an effort with us as well.

lemongreentea · 15/04/2022 08:33

At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

Really?

Do you fear of adandoment/rejection issues as your reaction seems over the top. Its not your friends wedding.

Try to remember that other peoples lives, choices and wedding are not about you so stop making about yourself and wish them well.

Treacletoots · 15/04/2022 08:34

I still remember the phone call with my mother who when we had to tell her that we couldn't invite any more of her 'friends' hissed spitefully down the phone 'and just how many friends is SHE inviting?' She in that instance being the bride!

My mother is a well known bipolar narcissist who I haven't now spoken to for over a decade. Assuming you're invited to a friend's daughters wedding is an extremely tenuous link and quite honestly you are being incredibly unreasonable and narcissistic. This isn't about YOU. Have a think about that for a moment.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 15/04/2022 08:35

Times have changed. When I got married 25 years ago we had to invite lots of our parents friends and even some people from my in laws church. I'd say about 20 day guests were people I didn't really know other than loosely through our parents.

These days the bride and groom pick the guest list. I wouldn't expect an invitation from any of my close friend's kids when they get married even if I've been close to them when they were growing up.

SeanMean · 15/04/2022 08:36

YABU but you don’t want to seem to accept that!

Veenah · 15/04/2022 08:36

YABVU. I've been on the other side of this. When we got married we had a huge argument with DH's parents that we've never really recovered from as they expected us to invite 30+ of their friends (we paid fully for the wedding, they did not contribute) and when we said no, we were told there would be huge repercussions and it would ruin all their friendships and cause embarrassment. We told them at the time that we found that very hard to believe but the OP is proving me wrong!!

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 08:36

YABVU from what you have written you have no relationship with the bride or groom - it’s their wedding not your friends!

I think fondly of some of my DCs friends but wouldn’t expect to be invited to their weddings as I am not family or directly their friend.

I remember my friends getting peed off when their parents tried to shoehorn their own friends into attending their wedding. They didn’t want a load of their parents mates there as it’s more random people for them to get around when they want to spend the day with close friends & family.

I think you are being self absorbed @Jazzaloon if it was your friends own birthday bash or big anniversary fair enough but it’s not her own event.

thewhatsit · 15/04/2022 08:38

I would expect an invite to a friend’s wedding but not the child of a friend. I understand the mother has chosen a few other friends for the evening but you don’t know the back story to that - you don’t know if the daughter said she can pick 3 or 4 friends and the mother narrowed it down based on who would enjoy the party the most .. or you don’t know if the daughter got a veto..

We had a very small wedding but if we’d done the whole big thing I would still have chosen who I wanted there - I probably would have chosen some family friends given I grew up with these people in my life but I’m not talking friends of my parents but family friends - ones we went on holidays with, spent time with all together etc.

SmugOldBag · 15/04/2022 08:40

I note you've said nothing about the bride. Do you know her? Been part of her upbringing? I suspect not. In which case you mean nothing to her. Why would she invite someone she doesn't know and presumably your plus one (and then come on here and complain your kids aren't invited too) rather than two of her friends?

Being close to the bride or groom is usually the marker for a potential invite but you dont seem to be

TotallyTS · 15/04/2022 08:41

Do you have a close relationship with the daughter?
Do you take an interest in her life?

You don't get an invite just because you're friends with the parents.

What about the other friends that are invited?

Have you told your friends you don't like weddings? If not, why did she think you wouldn't enjoy it?

MarthanotMarfa · 15/04/2022 08:42

My MILs insistence on inviting HER friends to OUR wedding so we could not have all our friends has impacted my relationship with her my whole marriage. She basically emotionally blackmailed my DH and these “friends” expected an invitation as you do. It’s just not right. She should have maybe chatted about the wedding in the build up but you’re wrong. It’s not a Greek village wedding!

AngelinaFibres · 15/04/2022 08:43

I went to a wedding in 1989 . The brides father had filled the front tables with all his work chums and contacts. The bride and grooms friends including me were on a table by the door. It was much more a thing then. My parents organised and paid for most of my first wedding, also in 1989. They had a big say in who attended. Both my sons organised and paid for their own weddings. They made all the decisions. We gave them a lump of cash each to spend as they wished. The days of parents having a huge say are gone.

Lulu1919 · 15/04/2022 08:44

My daughter getting married ...very small 25 very close family for service and lunch ...then another 30 In Evening for food n dancing
I'd like my to ask four of my close friends to the evening part ....but at an extra £ 45 head ( other guests part of a package ) is a lot ..plus then the grooms mum might want to do the same ...
I'm sad but it's her wedding and It's her choice,I offered to pay but she's said no so ...we are also paying a chunk of the costs already ...I'm being grown up about it ha ha !

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 08:45

Plus you say you haven’t seen your friend in a couple of years due to Covid - you wouldn’t get to spend quality time with her as she’ll be busy at the wedding. Why don’t you arrange to get together & catch up properly one to one.

You must have realised previously that you weren’t getting an invitation if you knew it was this April & you hadn’t received one, so not sure why you now have the hump?

slashlover · 15/04/2022 08:47

I’d expect to go to my close friends daughters weddings yes (if they were paying and were able to invite me). And if I was paying my friends would be on the guest list, otherwise they’d be unlikely to be as obviously weddings are costly. But if you’ve said you don’t like weddings maybe that’s why. To end a long standing friendship over it, yes you’re being unreasonable.

So you'd expect your child to invite people they don't know just because you're paying? I'd tell you to keep your money.

TabithaTittlemouse · 15/04/2022 08:48

How well do you know the bride?
Do you send Christmas presents? Do you still speak to her now she’s an adult?

ButterflyBitch · 15/04/2022 08:48

My mum assumed I would invite her friends to my wedding. I said if they want to travel 180 miles for the evening do then that’s fine but the daytime guests were filled with family and our friends. I would never expect to go to a friends daughters wedding. Unless your friends with the daughter too?

Thatswhyimacat · 15/04/2022 08:50

I invited a few of my 'parents' friends' to my wedding if I also felt close to them and crucially, had also seen them fairly recently. They wanted to add more people that weren't important to us and I said no. Have you even met the groom? That was one of our deciding factors - noone there who we haven't both met. I certainly wouldn't have invited someone who hadn't even seen my parents for 2 years, let alone me. When was the last time you saw the couple?

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 08:51

I would be hurt too. Tell her you’re hurt and if you are the type to do a lot for her without getting much back, then stop and take a step back.

ANUsernam · 15/04/2022 08:55

But how close is the DAUGHTER (you know, the one who's getting married, but whom you barely think to even mention in your posts) -and potentially the future son-in-law - to the other friends who have been invited?

Of my Mum's friends there is one who I'd invite to my wedding and it's the one who has also been there for me over the years. She's not the one who has known my Mum the longest (my Mum and that friend have been friends about 60years but I've only met her about twice in my entire life), nor the one whom my Mum spends the most time with in recent years. But she is the one I have a good relationship with.

If you're not close to the daughter you're never going to be on the bride and groom's invitation list, only a potential for the few invitations the Mum MAY be allotted for her friends. And even then, say the Mum is allowed to invite 4 people (2 couples - which is an extra 16 guests if the same allowance is given to each of the other parents of the b&g, so a significant number) may not prioritise them according to her best friends but by those who have been closer to her daughter, even if they aren't close enough to warrant a direct invitation from the daughter.

Tldr - yabu.

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 09:01

@coolhwip hurt about what though? It’s her daughters and son in laws event not the OPs friends.

She hasn’t even seen her friend for 2 years & only mentions meeting her family occasionally over the years so not actively involved in the brides life.

Telling her your hurt about not being invited to her daughters event is NUTS.

MotherOfWhippets · 15/04/2022 09:05

I got seriously cheesed off with my DM and DMIL interfering with my guest list 'oh you've got to invite great aunt twice removed Silvia or she will be devastated' etc and I ended up with people there I didn't know/like and had to cut my own friends down.

It's not up to your friend to invite people to her daughters wedding even if she is paying towards it and if you haven't seen the daughter for what I'm thinking might be close to two years then I'm not surprised you're not invited. Your friend might even have asked and been told no. Wedding numbers are brutal to cut down.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:05

@CakeAmbushAlert it sounds like the mum has paid for the wedding mostly and has invited her other friends to the evening do.

She has left OP out and is now panicking in case she found out from other friends who have been invited.

If she is treating OP differently then why should OP continue to treat her as a good friend?

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 09:09

@coolhwip

I would be hurt too. Tell her you’re hurt and if you are the type to do a lot for her without getting much back, then stop and take a step back.
Well then you're being ridiculous too.

The entitlement here is really something.