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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 15/04/2022 09:10

your choice really. You can be all hurt and miffed and trash the friendship or you can get over it.

Brunonononooo · 15/04/2022 09:11

I think this is unfair on your friend - it’s not her wedding, why should her daughter invite people she doesn’t want to? For my wedding we invited family friends who we wanted to invite but not because my parents asked us to. One family friend who we didn’t include had a huge huff about it and has never really spoken to us since. I would suggest you don’t do this!

Dinoteeth · 15/04/2022 09:13

If she is treating OP differently then why should OP continue to treat her as a good friend?

They haven't seen each other in two years are they really "good friends". Sounds like the friendship has seriously drifted apart during the last two years. If not beforehand.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:13

Well then you're being ridiculous too.

The entitlement here is really something.

Maybe you could read the actual OP instead of making personal attacks.

HairyMuttttt · 15/04/2022 09:13

This is quite old fashioned, the expectation of attending a friends child’s wedding when not having a close relationship with the actual couple getting married. The norm is for the bride and groom make the invite list and they will likely keep numbers to the minimum. This is reasonable.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:14

@Dinoteeth

If she is treating OP differently then why should OP continue to treat her as a good friend?

They haven't seen each other in two years are they really "good friends". Sounds like the friendship has seriously drifted apart during the last two years. If not beforehand.

And that’s fine. But then OP is perfectly within her right to take a step back too.
marvellousmaple · 15/04/2022 09:16

Erm, what is an "evening reception before the wedding"?

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 09:17

@coolhwip

Well then you're being ridiculous too.

The entitlement here is really something.

Maybe you could read the actual OP instead of making personal attacks.

I have, and I'm not making personal attacks.

You realise almost the entire thread disagrees with you?

It's not the friend's wedding, it's her daughter's. It's strange to expect an invite in these circumstances.

Comtesse · 15/04/2022 09:17

I think it’s normal to feel a bit sad you won’t be there. But dropping your friend altogether? No that is an overreaction for sure.

Glittertwins · 15/04/2022 09:19

It's the daughter's wedding therefore she and partner get to write the guest list, not the parents. I remember MIL telling her friends they were invited, she looked very silly when the invitations were not forthcoming as we invited our friends, not hers!

Sakura7 · 15/04/2022 09:21

And that’s fine. But then OP is perfectly within her right to take a step back too.

And people on a forum, who the OP has asked for advice, are free to tell her that would be an overreaction.

Would you honestly be hurt if your friend's child, who you hadn't seen in years, didn't invite you? If so, why?

HairyMuttttt · 15/04/2022 09:21

The bride and groom might invite one or two parents friends who played a significant part of their own lives, not just their parents lives. This is fine and I feel it’s an overreaction to be hurt

StScholastica · 15/04/2022 09:23

I'm sorry that you feel hurt OP. They obviously mean a lot to you.
I wouldn't lose a friend over this though.
I had something similar a few years back, a family member didn't invite me but did invite the rest of my extended family. She did ring me to apologise as they had to limit numbers and cut off somewhere. I did what Michelle Obama would do, (when they go low, you go high) I asked if there was anything I could do to help out on the day. Turns out there was a job they were struggling with (childcare) which I helped with (and was generously renumerated for). Our relationship has been stronger than ever.
There is also no way on earth I would be allowed to ask my friends to my DCs wedding.

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 09:24

@coolhwip she hasn’t ‘left her OP’ out it’s NOT her own event, it’s the bride & grooms. The OP doesn’t mention any relationship with them. In fact I’d bet she hasn’t even met the groom.
The OP even said she feels awkward at events & doesn’t really like them. If she’d got an invitation she’d probably be posting complaining that she had an invitation to an event that didn’t want to go as she’d not seen them for 2 plus years and the only person she’d know (her friend) would be busy with other guests so she’d be left out.

Complaining about not being invited to an event you don’t want to go to when the event is for people you don’t really know is very self absorbed!

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:24

You realise almost the entire thread disagrees with you?

The whole thread is addressed to me? Who knew.

MrFsAunt · 15/04/2022 09:25

I think this is a generational thing.

When I married my ex-husband (he was 10 years older) we used to receive gifts from his parents' friends at every occasion - mostly people I'd never met - birthdays, Christmas, the births (and then birthdays of our DC) ! I never felt comfortable with it but would try to reciprocate at Christmas etc out of politeness.

On our marriage my ex-mil also insisted on inviting many of these people I'd never met. I acceded out of respect for her (In my defence I was 27) I found it - and still find it- all baffling tbh.

GizmosEveningBath · 15/04/2022 09:26

You say you haven't seen your friend in a while due to covid, how long are we talking? Restrictions have been lifted for a while and there are plenty of outdoor options for people still vulnerable or anxious. Covid seems quite a poor excuse not to see someone now. Are you even that close to your friend?

Even if you saw each other every day, it's still her daughter's wedding so her daughter and her fiancé have final say on the guest list.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:28

@Sakura7

And people on a forum, who the OP has asked for advice, are free to tell her that would be an overreaction.

Jesus Christ, where have I said no one is free to tell OP anything?

Would you honestly be hurt if your friend's child, who you hadn't seen in years, didn't invite you? If so, why?

But that’s not the situation. The situation is OP’s friend has invited her other friends to her dd’s wedding/evening do but not OP who has been her friend for 30 years and on the flimsy pretext that OP wouldn’t have wanted to come.

Puddypuds · 15/04/2022 09:29

I looked around on my wedding day, nearly 20 years ago and recognised but barely knew 70% of the people there. You said yourself that you don't feel comfortable in those situations. I do understand an element of you being hurt but this is someone else's special day. Someone once removed from you and not related. Please don't spend precious time overthinking it.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:30

[quote CakeAmbushAlert]@coolhwip she hasn’t ‘left her OP’ out it’s NOT her own event, it’s the bride & grooms. The OP doesn’t mention any relationship with them. In fact I’d bet she hasn’t even met the groom.
The OP even said she feels awkward at events & doesn’t really like them. If she’d got an invitation she’d probably be posting complaining that she had an invitation to an event that didn’t want to go as she’d not seen them for 2 plus years and the only person she’d know (her friend) would be busy with other guests so she’d be left out.

Complaining about not being invited to an event you don’t want to go to when the event is for people you don’t really know is very self absorbed![/quote]
Read the OP again. I’m tired of repeating myself to people who don’t.

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 09:31

@coolhwip

You realise almost the entire thread disagrees with you?

The whole thread is addressed to me? Who knew.

I was responding to your claim that I hadn't read the OP. You seem to be suggesting to that I'm missing something. It's pretty clear that I'm not, I have the same view as the vast majority of posters here.
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 09:32

Maybe the daughter knows the other friends better? Also knew the OP doesn’t really like events like this. Maybe the other friends know each other? I hate going to weddings when you don’t know anyone else apart from the bride and groom, who you get very little time to speak to

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:35

I was responding to your claim that I hadn't read the OP. You seem to be suggesting to that I'm missing something. It's pretty clear that I'm not, I have the same view as the vast majority of posters here.

You have repeatedly missed something. Luckily I have my own mind and don’t fall in like with the majority of posters.

NerrSnerr · 15/04/2022 09:36

@Glittertwins

It's the daughter's wedding therefore she and partner get to write the guest list, not the parents. I remember MIL telling her friends they were invited, she looked very silly when the invitations were not forthcoming as we invited our friends, not hers!
We had this as well. Apparently Joan was really disappointed she wasn't invited. I have never met Joan and my husband hadn't seen her in about 15 years.
Sakura7 · 15/04/2022 09:38

@coolhwip What's with the aggressive tone? My language isn't that different to yours in the post I responded to.

Claiming that everyone who has a different view to you hadn't read the thread isn't much of an argument.

The friend didn't invite anyone. Her daughter did.