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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:

flowery · 15/04/2022 07:29

You’re not going to meet up with this friend again because her daughter didn’t invite you to her wedding?

Unless it’s an absolutely enormous wedding and both bride and groom have already managed to get all their friends and family on the guest list AND still have room to spare, their parents’ mates surely aren’t going to make it on to the list?!

Fulmine · 15/04/2022 07:29

When my DD gets married soon I expect her to invite relatives plus her fiancé's and her friends. I really wouldn't expect her to invite our friends.

Honestopinion23 · 15/04/2022 07:34

YANBU. Not that she has to invite you, as it’s the bride and groom who decide but that she came up with some shit about how she’s doing you a favour because you don’t like weddings. That’s what would piss me off, not the not being invited part.

SpaceFarce · 15/04/2022 07:36

I hope this is a reverse.

A parent paying for a wedding doesn’t mean they get to invite their friends.

The wedding is the bride and groom’s day - why would they want their parents’ friends there?

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2022 07:37

I’m sorry OP but YABVU.

I can understand being disappointed but you said yourself that you aren’t into such things which your friend knows and took into account and it’s not your friend’s wedding but her daughter’s so unless you and the daughter are close, it is unreasonable to expect to be invited.

Weddings are expensive and even though your friend is paying for it, it is about their daughter and her soon to be spouse and who THEY want there, not who their parents want.

My DH and I paid for 98% of our wedding with my dad paying for flowers and my mum for half of my dress and us paying for dinner, drinks, photos, and thank you gifts. It was strictly family and very close friends because I come from a massive family which would include 8 aunts and uncles with their spouses, first cousins, second cousins and third cousins and that is just my dad’s side. We purposely did a destination wedding to keep the list and cost down and to not cause discord if one relative was invited and the other was not because we were not going to spend thousands of pounds on one day when it could go towards something like a house.

Alittlepotofrosie · 15/04/2022 07:37

I didn't invite my parents friends to my wedding. They'd known them 30 years but i hadn't and i wanted people i was close to at my wedding.

AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 07:38

Sorry but YABU.

Original poster

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 07:38

Yes you are spot on, other friends have been invited to the evening reception, she said as much. She just avoided telling me the date as I hadn't been invited and then panicked at the last minute so I wouldn't find out it had taken place from someone else.

OP posts:

mdh2020 · 15/04/2022 07:39

We were allowed to invite 30 people to my son’s wedding and that included family. Fortunately we have very good friends who understood the situation and remained friends with us. These affairs are expensive. At the moment we know of two weddings, offspring of good friends, that are taking place and we have not been invited. To be honest we are relieved to avoid the travel and the expense.

Sparkletastic · 15/04/2022 07:44

You aren't considered the close family friend that you might have thought yourself to be. Try to be gracious about your disappointment if you wish to retain the friendship.

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2022 07:44

Is that what she said or is that what you are assuming because you are hurt?

SirChenjins · 15/04/2022 07:45

I was going to say YABU (we didn’t invite our parents close friends to our wedding - one couple still aren’t speaking to my MIL, nearly 30 years on! ) but the fact that other friends of your close friend have been invited is very strange and I can well understand why you’re hurt. Let the dust settle and then have a chat with your friend to make sure you haven’t done anything to offend her without realising it.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 15/04/2022 07:45

I fell out with my mum in the run up to the wedding as she expected to invite her friends to my smallish wedding (50 guests, not even all the family got invited). I compromised by inviting them to the evening but I didn't want them at the wedding over my friends. She offered to pay but it wasn't about money, it was about having an intimate day with people important to me. We paid for our own wedding if that's relevant. Essentially it's not your friends gig, probably not their decision.

SirChenjins · 15/04/2022 07:48

Oh sorry - I’ve just seen it’s the wedding evening reception you’ve not been invited to. Yes, that’s a bit much after a thirty year friendship, given other friends have been invited.

fungibletoken · 15/04/2022 07:48

If you're not very close to her daughter (and her fiancé!) then I'd let it go. When we got married we only invited parents' friends who had really been part of us growing up - e.g. godparents, family friends who had looked after us. That sounds a bit self-important but it was kind of the opposite - we didn't want anyone coming out of politeness or obligation - just people we knew would be able to relax and have a nice time because we each other so well.

If you are genuinely close to the couple getting married I might feel more hurt, but weddings (especially in COVID times) are always tricky with numbers so I wouldn't let this event in isolation be the death knell for the friendship.

Lunificent · 15/04/2022 07:48

Although Amy posters are rightly saying that this is her daughter’s wedding there fore daughters choice of guests, I get the impression from what the OP has said that she is in that category as others of the mother’s friends went.
OP - I think you can’t expect an invite to someone’s wedding, but I can see why you’re hurt. I find it annoying that more introverted people are so often excluded because people make assumptions about their preferences.
As she’s an old friend, I think you could say you’d have loved to have seen the bride on her wedding day.

Lovemydaxie · 15/04/2022 07:48

As honestopinion23 says, the fact she felt she felt she had to make an excuse saying she thought you wouldn't enjoy it, implies that she felt you should have been invited so that would annoy me. Had no other friends been invited I would have thought nothing of it, but when they have then thats very hurtful. YANBU.

saraclara · 15/04/2022 07:48

The expectations have definitely shifted away from parents friends to bride and groom friends.

Yep. My DD's wedding was very different from my wedding. For starters, the wording on the invitations used to be from the parents, now it's the bride and groom who send out the invitations.

My parents asked ME for a list of people I wanted THEM to invite to my wedding. That was the norm, but it seems archaic now.
My DD and soon in law planned their wedding and sent out their own invitations. My DD did ask me if there was anyone I wanted them to invite for company for me, but it was clear that she meant one or two chose friends. Any more would have put pressure on their numbers. And that was fine with me.

There's been a complete turn around in how weddings work, and I think that's a good thing. Parents aren't getting their kids married off. Couples are choosing to make a life together.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/04/2022 07:50

Did she maybe think you are drifting apart because of the long time without seeing each other? Do you have mutual friends. Sometimes it can feel really awkward to fall out of contact with someone and then be face to face at a formal event. Not everyone handles this awkwardness well.

JazzHandsYeah · 15/04/2022 07:51

Sorry Op, YABU. Let it go.

Ponoka7 · 15/04/2022 07:51

What form does your social awkwardness take and would you be bothered if your friend didn't have time to sit with you? Weddings are extremely busy events. It's a family celebration and people couldn't be obligated to make you feel at ease.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 15/04/2022 07:52

I invited my mum’s friends to the evening do of my wedding. However, I had a package for a certain number of people, I filled that with our friends and family first, then invited my mum’s friends when we knew how much space was left. They knew they were on the reserve list but weren’t offended at being on the reserve list (they are the type of people that would have been more upset to see food go to waste that we’d already paid for and they like a chance to go out). They didn’t expect to be invited and not all of my mum’s friends were invited, just the ones that were local to the reception.

At the end of the day though, I still made the decision to invite my mum’s friends, not my mum.

CMZ2018 · 15/04/2022 07:53

Turn it in, how pathetic. Why would the daughter want her mom’s friend at the wedding? I know some family friends often get invited but why are you so bothered.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 15/04/2022 07:53

YABVU although I have to say it's quite refreshing to find someone on MN who actually wants to go to a wedding!

I bet you answer your front door too don't you OP?

carpepm · 15/04/2022 07:53

My exH's parents insisted on inviting 4 sets of friends to our wedding and it meant that we had to have some very awkward conversations with friends about plus ones. This will be exactly why you're not invited, so they don't have to make tough and embarrassing decisions regarding friends. Because if they invited you, they would have to invite other friends of parents too. It's the bride and groom's day, not your friend's, and you should not feel entitled to go.

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