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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 15/04/2022 07:55

Tell us, how close are you to the bride herself? Did you spend a lot of time with her she she was growing up? Do you know her fiancé?
Maybe the other friends are actually people the bride considers to be friends?

Also, you do know that a parent can’t just invite people to their child’s wedding these days? The invitations come from the couple.

Hathertonhariden · 15/04/2022 07:55

When my mum got married it was normal fir the bride's parents to pay for it all and the guest list was largely the parent's relations and friends. My mum clearly expected that our wedding was her time to invite her friends even though she was only contributing to the cost. Those that were family friends and socialised with us were invited. The ones we didn't know well weren't. Some local friends of my mum's did come and see me leave for the wedding as that is traditional.

I'm like an aunt to my closest friend's children, remember birthdays and Christmas and spend time chatting to them when I see them. They make an effort to see me when I'm staying. I didn't automatically expect an invitation to their wedding though. I sent gifts and enjoyed hearing about the the preparations and how it went and they sent photos of their weddings to me.

Have you shown interest in the wedding at all? (Without it being obvious that you had expected an invite). Did you send a gift when you heard about it? Have you invited your friend to come over and share the photos/video with you so that she can relive it with you?

carpepm · 15/04/2022 07:55

Sorry, just seen your update about friends being invited to evening do. I agree that is odd.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 07:57

It’s not your wedding, and if you hate that sort of thing why would you expect an invite?

jessycake · 15/04/2022 07:58

I expect your friend feels awkward about it , but in the end it's down to the bride and groom .Often they buy a package and a lot of young people would want to prioritise close family and their own friends over a friend of the family .

sweetbellyhigh · 15/04/2022 08:01

It can only mean that your friendship means less to her than it does to you, that she has other friends she considers closer. Do you usually meet her alone or in a group?

Dinoteeth · 15/04/2022 08:03

Op have you ever met the groom? Nobody wants to be getting introduced to people at their own wedding.

My MIL insisted we invited 10 of their friends. 9 people who I haven't seen before or since, I met one of them once after we got married. Every time I think about it I get so annoyed. These people are not part of my life they don't give a shit about us, would walk past us on the street, DH didn't know some of them either and others he hadn't seen in years.

I invited a couple of my Mums friends so 4 people, we occasionally see them, they have met my kids. And are on my Christmas card list.

Darbs76 · 15/04/2022 08:05

I’d expect to go to my close friends daughters weddings yes (if they were paying and were able to invite me). And if I was paying my friends would be on the guest list, otherwise they’d be unlikely to be as obviously weddings are costly. But if you’ve said you don’t like weddings maybe that’s why. To end a long standing friendship over it, yes you’re being unreasonable.

comealongponds · 15/04/2022 08:06

YABVU

You don’t have an automatic right to go to your friends daughters wedding. Why on earth would you think you do?

Flatandhappy · 15/04/2022 08:07

I was very surprised to be invited to the wedding of the daughter of a friend recently, tbh there is no way I would have thought that she would invite her mum’s friends. Very happy but I wouldn’t have thought to be offended if there wasn’t an invite.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2022 08:07

So i you oh like going to weddings

Why would she say it’s not something you like

You should have mentioned to her then yes it is

But

As others have said it her daughters wedding. Not yours

Why would her daughter want you there - mean that nicely

Lots of my parents friends I like , but invited none to our wedding

LIZS · 15/04/2022 08:08

Honestly I wish I had stood up to pil and not felt pressured to invite their friends whose offspring's weddings they had or hoped to go to, at the expense of our own friends. Ask to see photos etc instead.

Sarkymarky · 15/04/2022 08:11

What is your problem? If you had been invited you would probably be on here asking advice of how to avoid going because it's not your sort of thing. Some people look for a problem OP.

intwrferingma · 15/04/2022 08:11

My son got married a couple of years ago and we had no friends there til the evening. it was their day not ours. The opposite of our own wedding 30 years ago - where I hardly knew a soul!
We did however have a gang of our friends to the evening do, and that was lovely
I won't say YABU - just that you're out of touch.

Ikeptgoing · 15/04/2022 08:15

@Clymene

It's not your friend's wedding. It's her daughter's. It should be up to her and her fiancé to decide on the guest list.
This ^^ Newer generations it's all about their friends and a party.

Although given other friends of the mum were invited to the evening Do, I can see your disappointment. Perhaps these friends of mum were closer to the bride and groom than you were.
Or perhaps you aren't as close a friend to the family as you thought. It's a difficult realisation. I suspect it will change your view and connection to the family and your friend, it would for me.

hangrylady · 15/04/2022 08:15

It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to invite my parents friends to my wedding. Unless the daughter is close to you why would she?

RosesAndHellebores · 15/04/2022 08:16

For your assistance op, DS is getting married at the end of summer. Let me take you through this:

Our rellys: DD, 3 grandparents, my very close uncle and his wife whose dd was my bm, dd's bf, DS's god parents one of whom was dh's bm, 5, MILs remaining sibs: 6, DH's sisters and partners 4

Future Dils rellys and v close friends: about the same so another 28.

That's 48. Add two sets of parents and bm and that's 61.

The children have 60 people between them to invite, including partners.

Do you see now op? And fortunately we are small families and there are no children yet.

BurglerBill · 15/04/2022 08:19

You're being hilariously unreasonable. It's not your friend's wedding. Perhaps the bride and groom have a better relationship with your friend's other friends? But honestly, there's no way I would be inviting my mum's random friends to my wedding, regardless of whether she paid for it or not. Only good friends and close family at mine - didn't even invite some relatives.

Equimum · 15/04/2022 08:20

As others have said, I think things have moved on, and people now tend to invite their friends to weddings, rather than inviting friends of their parents and all the relatives they have never seen. I had a few disagreements with my mum on this one, but it is the bride and grooms day.

Blondieblond · 15/04/2022 08:21

You need to reflect on your relationship with you friends daughter. If you we close and helped raise her, look after her, support her growing up then that's one thing.

Were you there at her celebrations, birthdays, school performances, days out? Did you visit her at uni? Meet up for meals just because? Give her advice on things when needed? Does she see you like an aunt?

If no YABVU

TheBigDilemma · 15/04/2022 08:25

We “invited” friends of parents… most of them under duress. There were some that were so close to us, they were more like uncles/aunts to us. Of course our parents had very close friends that we were literally forced to invite, some of them we didn’t know or didn’t even like. I still seethe thinking about it.

My mother is the kind of person who used to get offended if our close friends didn’t invite her. I used to cringe every time she complained or sort of asked me to talk to friends about getting an invitation for her. Jesus, I found it disgraceful that she had such high opinion of herself she thought she was close and liked by our friends when most of them hardly knew her at all.

So yes, even if other friends were invited, that doesn’t give you the right to be invited too.

Wiredforsound · 15/04/2022 08:28

She knows you don’t like these sort of events since presumably you have told her this, so why would she invite you to something she knew you wouldn’t want to go to?

3peassuit · 15/04/2022 08:30

I paid for my daughter’s wedding. She decided on the guest list. YABU.

AngelinaFibres · 15/04/2022 08:31

@Shiningpath

YABVU parents’ friends just don’t go to weddings now. It’s - quite rightly - about the bride and groom and their friends.
Both my sons are married. None of my friends attended. I have not attended the weddings of friends children. It's not a thing anymore.
PinkSyCo · 15/04/2022 08:31

Who to invite is up to the bride and groom surely? Confused