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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
skippy67 · 15/04/2022 07:06

YABVU!

Gardeningcreature · 15/04/2022 07:07

I understand your disappointment. Try and think of it as the bride and groom choosing all the guests and not your friend.
I have been ghosted by a person I thought was a very good friend and it is upsetting. However I would not expect to go to their child's wedding.

Pashazade · 15/04/2022 07:08

We only invited people who were part of our lives. My DH has a big family and his Aunt and Uncle never bothered with contact with him so we didn't invite them. Either we were forgiven or we did the right thing by procreating but we finally made the Xmas card list after our child was born! They're nice people but they weren't important to us with limited numbers.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/04/2022 07:09

Planning a wedding can be sooooo stressful. The bride and groom will have discussed who they want to invite to their wedding. To be fair half of the guest list each. They both have friends and family that they will want to invite. They might not be able to have everyone that they want because weddings are expensive.

Don’t make your friend or her daughter feel awkward about not inviting you. It’s not about you or your value as a friend.

Be a good friend and send your best wishes to the bride and groom. And be genuinely happy for them.

HELLITHURT · 15/04/2022 07:09

I expect there is a bride on MN saying my mum wants to invite her friends to my small select wedding, AIBU to have said no?

gonnascreamsoon · 15/04/2022 07:10

You are being VU to expect your friends daughter to invite you to her wedding, because it's about the Bride and Grooms family and friends, NOT the Mother of the Bride's friends !

I get that you are close to your friend, but you need to see that it's unreasonable to 'expect' an invite to her daughter's wedding !

Do not lose a long standing friendship over this, because it really is just you causing a 'storm in a teacup'.

Pipsquiggle · 15/04/2022 07:11

It's her daughter's wedding - why would you be invited?

When I got married, the vast majority of people who attended were my friends, my DH's friends and family. I think there may have about 10 people who came to the evening do who were family friends but that was more that they lived close by and their own children were attending our wedding

pilates · 15/04/2022 07:12

YABU and hard work

SamMil · 15/04/2022 07:14

I didn't invite any of my parents' friends to my wedding, and don't know anyone else who did either..?

I don't think this is a thing.

KatherineJaneway · 15/04/2022 07:14

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid

Unless one of you is vulnerable, this is just an excuse. There have been plenty of windows of time over the last 2 years to meet up. You are probably not invited as you are not as close to her as you thought.

Mamapep · 15/04/2022 07:16

YABVU. It’s not your friend’s wedding.

Coffeeonmytoffee · 15/04/2022 07:16

I’m not going to my best friends sons wedding because they are very limited for space and have lots of friends. I’m going to send them a present and a card. I’m sorry but I completely understand.

Hollywolly1 · 15/04/2022 07:16

I think the op is very hurt as her friend for 30years has invited her other friends and left her out and made the excuse that it wouldn't be her sort if thing,of course she is upset

Vsirbdo · 15/04/2022 07:16

My mum and our pil paid for a big part of our wedding and we invited some family friends of theirs but the people were chosen by us based on the part they played in our childhoods not my mum or pil

stuntbubbles · 15/04/2022 07:18

As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.
Why on earth would you need to?

eurochick · 15/04/2022 07:18

As others have said it's not usual now to have parents' friends at a wedding.

We had our family and friends. We also let my parents (who are quite introverted) and mil (who is on her own) invite a couple each so they had someone to chat to, but that alone took up almost 10% of our guest list of 50!

Willdoitlater · 15/04/2022 07:18

The days when wedding guest lists were full of friends of the bride's parents are long gone.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/04/2022 07:19

OP for better or for worse the days of the parents friends taking priority at a wedding are over. In addition I know a lot of couples will often have some sort of rule about only inviting people they have actually seen within the last day 2 years. Things change and people don't always prioritize people purely based on history.

HELLITHURT · 15/04/2022 07:19

@KatherineJaneway

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid

Unless one of you is vulnerable, this is just an excuse. There have been plenty of windows of time over the last 2 years to meet up. You are probably not invited as you are not as close to her as you thought.

Agreed.
spotcheck · 15/04/2022 07:19

Really? Why are you friends with someone who would think financially supporting their daughters wedding means it becomes a jolly for her friends, and not a day for the bride and groom?

Gosh- harsh

It's not so long ago that is WAS the done thing for parent's friends to attend. I'm thinking that in some cultures it still is.

OP
Times have changed- even more so post COVID.
If you've been friends for 30 years, and her family have been warm and welcoming, don't write off the friendship because of this.
Get the bride and groom a lovely card and thoughtful present. Ask to visit some time so you can see pictures, and hear all about it.
Honestly, you have to let this go 😊

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 07:19

@Hollywolly1

I think the op is very hurt as her friend for 30years has invited her other friends and left her out and made the excuse that it wouldn't be her sort if thing,of course she is upset
She doesn't know other friends have been invited - she assumes they will have been. She also hasn't said anything about her relationship with the couple actually getting married.
Lastqueenofscotland · 15/04/2022 07:22

YABVU!! It’s the daughters wedding not your friends, she doesn’t want her wedding to be a piss up for her parents mates!

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 15/04/2022 07:22

I would only invite my Mums friends that I was also close to. If you don’t make the effort friendships drop off I’m afraid.

Wnkingawalrus · 15/04/2022 07:22

@Pipsquiggle

It's her daughter's wedding - why would you be invited?

When I got married, the vast majority of people who attended were my friends, my DH's friends and family. I think there may have about 10 people who came to the evening do who were family friends but that was more that they lived close by and their own children were attending our wedding

This is exactly what the OP is talking about, the evening reception. They have already said they would never expect to be invited to the ceremony/main meal.
Ragwort · 15/04/2022 07:23

^^I agree, my (first) wedding was 40 years ago, my DPs hosted the reception in their garden and we did invite some ' old family friends' ... they were more like unofficial aunts and uncles but I think that is very unusual now. We recently attended my goddaughter's wedding and we were the only couple of that generation apart from immediate family. clearly put on the old peoples table Grin.