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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH lied about extra day on away.

153 replies

Beccylouuu · 15/04/2022 00:09

OH is going on a stag do to Benidorm in may, which is fine, he told me months ago but no exact dates. Told me the dates yesterday which were Friday to Monday but now today he said he’s going Friday to Tuesday (him and one other pal, the rest of the stag do are coming back Monday) because the flight back is cheaper Tuesday. I could tell he was lying so I checked the flights and they are the same price both days. I told him I’d checked and asked why he felt the need to lie, if he’d just said I’m staying an extra day I would’ve been ok with it but the lying really ps me off!! He’s pd off with me now because I checked the flights and didn’t just believe him. AIBU?

OP posts:

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 11:09

@girlmom21

I can't believe people are actually claiming there's victim-blaming on this thread. There's no victim ffs. Stop exaggerating.

I don't understand the need for the stupid lie. Why did he lie?

@girlmom21 There might not be an actual 'victim' per se, but attacking her for checking out a lie is blaming her for her partner's actions.

Regardless, if he is cheating, she is a 'victim' of his cheating, is she not? Therefore blaming someone who has been cheated on (rhetorically here) for getting to the truth is victim-blaming. No matter how you spin it. People are attacking her for trying to find out the truth. So, yes, victim-blaming certainly does fit and is apt.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2022 11:12

I'd not be happy with the lie, but I'd be even more unhappy that when confronted he chose to blame me for catching him out, rather than take full responsibility for lying and apologise and explain himself.

That blame-shifting is a very bad sign.

PugInTheHouse · 15/04/2022 11:27

@GirlOfTudor I didn't overreact, I haven't even mentioned how I reacted. He told me they were going to Alicante, they were going to Benidorm, yes that's the airport but no one says they are going to the airport on a trip, you would say where you are actually staying. It was months before I knew, he purposely did not tell me.

He had no reason to lie, we've gone on trips with friends regularly, we are both laid back when it comes to stuff like that, I've never had an issue with that. I can only assume he is projecting from previous relationships.

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 11:36

@MrsLargeEmbodied

it seems odd that you would check up on him like this

@MrsLargeEmbodied Stop victim-blaming. No, it is NOT odd that a woman doesn't ignore her gut instinct and seeks the truth.

It is odd that HE LIED. Stop blaming the woman for her partner's lies.

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 11:40

@Blossomtoes But you don’t. You wouldn’t have checked up on him if you did.

Women trust men until they're given a reason not to.

Regardless HE is the one who lied. The OP has done absolutely nothing wrong. She checked out the lie, which is exactly what all women would/should do.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 11:49

can i say that perhaps his friend tried to book two seats?
and they were cheaper on the tuesday?
it does happen,

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 11:50

i am not victim blaming
there is no blame associated
just seems odd to have that level of mistrust that op had to look for herself @TalkingCat

Bookworm20 · 15/04/2022 11:53

This thread is insane.

Those saying they trust their DH explicitly and he'd never lie to them. And if he did they wouldn't check.
I mean NEVER? EVER? REALLY?

But how do you know they've never lied to you if you've never checked anything?

No human being is 100% honest, lets face it.

OP knew he was lying. Checked, and lo and behold he was lying.
Its obviously not a regular occurrence. I'd of done exactly the same OP, doesn't mean I immediately need to throw my relationship away because I don't trust him.

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 11:56

@MrsLargeEmbodied

can i say that perhaps his friend tried to book two seats? and they were cheaper on the tuesday? it does happen,

He ADMITTED he lied! Why are you trying to make excuses for him?? ???

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 11:58

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am not victim blaming there is no blame associated just seems odd to have that level of mistrust that op had to look for herself *@TalkingCat*

You've just victim-blamed again in this post. It is not 'odd' at all to question a lie. All women trust UNTIL they are given a reason not to, @MrsLargeEmbodied . OP's boyfriend gave her a reason not to. So she trusted him up til that point. It would be odd, very, very odd, to not check up on the lie.

Blossomtoes · 15/04/2022 11:58

@Bookworm20

This thread is insane.

Those saying they trust their DH explicitly and he'd never lie to them. And if he did they wouldn't check.
I mean NEVER? EVER? REALLY?

But how do you know they've never lied to you if you've never checked anything?

No human being is 100% honest, lets face it.

Because the very essence of trust is knowing you can rely on the other person to tell you the truth. If you feel the need to check up, you don’t trust them, it really is as simple as that. Trust is the bedrock of a good relationship, if that’s gone there’s nothing left.

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 11:59

@Bookworm20

This thread is insane.

Those saying they trust their DH explicitly and he'd never lie to them. And if he did they wouldn't check.
I mean NEVER? EVER? REALLY?

But how do you know they've never lied to you if you've never checked anything?

No human being is 100% honest, lets face it.

Exactly.

I think OP should ask Mumsnet to move this thread to relationships. The 'cool mums' (who are almost exclusively the ones most blindsided by an affair eventually because they 'never checked') and the plain batshit crazy victim-blamers are out in force on AIBU.

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 12:01

@Blossomtoes Said every woman before they were ever cheated on.

The very essence of trust relies on the partner being trustworthy. When they make a lie so absurd, so bizarre, it would be odd not to check it out. It is no fault with the OP's trust, the fault is with her boyfriend who BROKE THAT TRUST, in the first place.

HELLITHURT · 15/04/2022 12:35

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i am not victim blaming there is no blame associated just seems odd to have that level of mistrust that op had to look for herself *@TalkingCat*

You are victim blaming! OP was the victim of a lie and you're blaming her for finding that out. It's really as simple as that.

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 12:55

@TalkingCat if there's no victim there's no victim blaming. It's really simple.

toomanydogsandcats · 15/04/2022 13:05

I would be more disgusted by living with the typedef man who goes to Benidorm on a stag do. Gross.

WTF475878237NC · 15/04/2022 13:05

It really is astonishing the amount of people saying the OP should have just ignored the blatant lie because you know "trust is important".

Blossomtoes · 15/04/2022 13:12

@WTF475878237NC

It really is astonishing the amount of people saying the OP should have just ignored the blatant lie because you know "trust is important".

If it was so blatant, why didn’t she just challenge him?

FabFitFifties · 15/04/2022 13:48

I totally get that OP has, up until now, trusted her OH, but felt the need to check an obvious lie. It does, however, say something about the relationship, that she couldn't laugh out loud and say "pull the other one", at the time. Checking, unfortunately, gives him ammunition. Trust is broken on both sides. If he uses that ammunition, he'd be ex OH for me. OP is at risk of a slippery slope from trust to suspicion - and it is justified,due to his lie. Not a life I'd want to live.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 14:14

jeez @HELLITHURT

no I am querying the relationship, not blaming the op

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 15:23

[quote girlmom21]@TalkingCat if there's no victim there's no victim blaming. It's really simple. [/quote]
@girlmom21 Well one can say OP is a victim of her boyfriend's lies, so yes she is a victim, it's really that simple.

HELLITHURT · 15/04/2022 15:38

@MrsLargeEmbodied

jeez *@HELLITHURT*

no I am querying the relationship, not blaming the op

Why are you querying the relationship? She found out her DH is a liar? Why are you asking why she looked? Because she didn't believe the liar, she was right!

I don't get the "why did you look" narrative, because she was suspicious abs right?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 15:59

So she was suspicious, not a good basis for a relationship

knittingaddict · 15/04/2022 16:13

@MrsLargeEmbodied

So she was suspicious, not a good basis for a relationship

You're concentrating on the op's behaviour when op's behaviour was in response to a man's suspicious actions. You certainly sound like you are blaming the op. Bit disingenuous to claim otherwise.

Lying is not a good basis for a relationship is it? Shouldn't be that hard to say.

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/04/2022 16:54

If it was so blatant, why didn’t she just challenge him?

Because he would have come up with another lie. Better to say something when you can prove your point.

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