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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Other parents complaining about your child

149 replies

Sparkalinda · 14/04/2022 23:57

I wondered just how many parents challenge the parents of children who they feel have upset their child? I have never done this as I feel that children are children and need to.negotiate their frienships themselves. I have messaged a.parent in the past to ask if their child is ok when.theyve upset.my child, but nothing challenging or confrontational. I feel that my friend has been very out of.order, she has insulted my parenting skills in response.to her child being upset about something my child.said. For context, my child.is 5 and hers is 7 and.it was something about my child saying their Daddy was a liar. Any friendship we had is over now and.there are wider implications meaning things are even more difficult for me.now.in life. This was all in text message and she woukdnt answer when I rang to try and sort this amicably. I really can't believe she has gotten so upset about.sonething so trivial and common place..any advice gratefully received....x

OP posts:

steff13 · 15/04/2022 00:07

What did your friend say to insult your parenting? We didn't (and don't) tolerate name-calling, so I wouldn't have been happy with my kids calling anyone a liar. They would have had a talking to and been made to apologize.

Toothsil · 15/04/2022 00:08

I've always believed that kids need to be allowed to sort things out themselves, they fall out and make friends again, and that is a valuable thing they need to be able to do - they need to be able to have a chance to sort their own emotions out. My former best friend ended our friendship because our children had an argument and she didn't feel I'd disciplined my child. I did of course talk to DD about inappropriate things to say, but they had both allegedly said things to each other, and were friends again by the time the mum got onto me! My ex friend was blaming my child for everything when it was very much 2 sided and she decided to block me on all social media, and never speak to me again. I was very upset to begin with but soon realised how much calmer my life was without her and without DD having to pussyfoot around her DD, which was what had been happening.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 15/04/2022 00:11

You didn't really explain what happened in your post so I can't comment on that. But my mum gently and firmly spoke to a couple of children when I was bullied at primary school. No one else ever did anything.

I'd do the same.

Original poster

Sparkalinda · 15/04/2022 00:17

So its long winded but I wasnt even there. Both children were at the childminders, so neither if us parents were there and there weren't any issues reported to me when I picked up, all were playing happily and I stayed for a cuppa.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkalinda · 15/04/2022 00:23

She said you need to make sure this never happens again and I said I cant control what my daughter says, im sorry she upset your girl, but she is 5 and im sure the childminder managed the situation well as she didn't have anything to report to me and they were happy when I collected my girl.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkalinda · 15/04/2022 00:26

My friend then said that I need to be responsible and im.not capable of admitting my child is at fault amd my child should know better, then proceeded to tell me how I should deal with my daughter...

OP posts:

steff13 · 15/04/2022 00:27

I said I cant control what my daughter says

This sort of makes it sound like you've just washed your hands of responsibility for your daughter's behavior.

chipsnmayo · 15/04/2022 00:29

I also think kids should be allowed to sort themselves out if there is an argument amongst friends, when it gets on to bullying then that is when you interfer. I do think parents can overact where that is concerned. All kids have arguments with each other, then they would make up the next day.

Many years ago I remember there was a practice run of a school play, and there was a slight disagreement between two of the kids (something to do with who says what in the play), and one of the mum's very publicly told said kid that she is offending and upsetting her dd. I felt so sorry for the poor girl, there was no need to go so heavy handed on what was some confusion.

VyeBrator · 15/04/2022 00:33

@Sparkalinda

You can't necessarily control what she says but you can certainly take her to task for it and stop blaming the fact she's 'only 5'.

Also...

I have messaged a.parent in the past to ask if their child is ok when.theyve upset.my child, but nothing challenging or confrontational.

That's just wishy washy isn't it? "Is your child ok?" When what you mean is, "My child is very upset by something your child has said/done. Please have a word them them".

There's nothing wrong with saying what you mean. It's not confrontation if it's done politely and in a non judgemental way. It's just part of being an adult and a parent.

purpleme12 · 15/04/2022 00:36

Need to make sure what never happens again?

Surely the correct response here would just be to say I'll have a word with my child.....

From the sounds of it that's all that was needed

DMinChi · 15/04/2022 00:43

Perhaps it's not about the child and she thinks that you've been talking about her husband and your child overheard it.

AskingforaBaskin · 15/04/2022 00:43

I would not get involved in my kid calling someone's dad a liar to their friend 😂 especially when there is a good chance the kids were chatting shit.

I would not 'correct' my child and would just say that they need to teach their kid to get a tougher skin.

LilQueenie · 15/04/2022 00:49

Do you even know what your child said? It would be a good starting point.

ChaosMoon · 15/04/2022 00:49

Hmmm...

I'm intrigued as to why the word liar, specifically, was used. Does she think you've been talking to your DD about her DH? And even if not, "liar" is a very loaded word for little kids.

It also sounds like your response was very dismissive. While I don't think there's anything wrong with what you were getting at, I'm not surprised she took unbridged at the way you phrased it.

VyeBrator · 15/04/2022 00:50

I would not 'correct' my child and would just say that they need to teach their kid to get a tougher skin.

Really? You wouldn't explain to your child that calling someone's dad/mum/gran/grandad etc a liar is going to hurt them so they shouldn't do it?

Instead you'd tell them the onus is on the child to grow a tougher skin and not get upset when someone insults their loved ones?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2022 00:50

If I was your friend, I'd be wondering where a 5 yo had picked up that X's Daddy lies, and I'd assume its most likely come from something they've heard at home. Add on "I can't control what she says" and it's a bit "well I cant help if she tells the truth / I'm not going to cotre t her when she's not wrong". So I'd assume you'd said it, believed it and daughter had overheard it and repeated it.

AskingforaBaskin · 15/04/2022 00:51

@VyeBrator

I would not 'correct' my child and would just say that they need to teach their kid to get a tougher skin.

Really? You wouldn't explain to your child that calling someone's dad/mum/gran/grandad etc a liar is going to hurt them so they shouldn't do it?

Instead you'd tell them the onus is on the child to grow a tougher skin and not get upset when someone insults their loved ones?

What if they were lying?

The childminder had nothing to report. So this is all their hand info from a child who probably lost an argument.

Nope I absolutely would not waste my time on this.

Original poster

Sparkalinda · 15/04/2022 00:56

Well the text messages were abrasive, lots of exclamation marks and 'you need to...' etc. Yes, id ask another parent if their child is ok because I dont necessarily think that my child's version of events is as the other child sees it. I feel its more diplomatic just to be clear, this is only when necessary, so with tje next door neighbours kid, whom we see often. I didnt pull my child up on the matter because the childminder didn't bring anything to my attention, so I'm.not about to bolloxk my child because this woman tells me to. Of course I talked to my girl and asked the question, but she didn't seem to register there were any issues, rhe childminder didnt, so ...I said I was sorry she was upset, but it was hard not to get defensive with the attacking nature of the texts (I also tried to ring her to chat, but she didn't pick up).

OP posts:

VyeBrator · 15/04/2022 00:58

And what if they weren't lying? At least the OP needs to find that out.

And do you honestly think every child who gets upset, goes to their childminder or teacher and tells them?

Or do you think some kids hold the upset inside and wait until they get home to let it out?

AskingforaBaskin · 15/04/2022 01:00

@VyeBrator

And what if they weren't lying? At least the OP needs to find that out.

And do you honestly think every child who gets upset, goes to their childminder or teacher and tells them?

Or do you think some kids hold the upset inside and wait until they get home to let it out?

Oh well then. She doesn't need to do anything.

Again the adult in the disruption had nothing to report.
Her own daughter recalls nothing. So all they have to go on is an indignant child.

So much of nothing.
The child can get over it.

AskingforaBaskin · 15/04/2022 01:00

@VyeBrator

And what if they weren't lying? At least the OP needs to find that out.

And do you honestly think every child who gets upset, goes to their childminder or teacher and tells them?

Or do you think some kids hold the upset inside and wait until they get home to let it out?

This same kids can also learn to get over their upset and learn it won't end the world.

Original poster

Sparkalinda · 15/04/2022 01:01

The childminder said the lying bit was because they were arguing about an invisible friend and her daughter said its true because my daddy said...or something.

OP posts:

steff13 · 15/04/2022 01:02

Ultimately, she's entitled to end get friendship with you for this reason or any other reason she chooses. Just give her a wide berth from now on.

PlasticineMeg · 15/04/2022 01:04

There is way too much context missing from this. Why is your child calling a man a liar?

I’d love to hear the other side. I had a friend who I fell out with for similar reasons but her child was being nasty to my child and friend was totally bemused as to what the problem was

AskingforaBaskin · 15/04/2022 01:04

@Sparkalinda

The childminder said the lying bit was because they were arguing about an invisible friend and her daughter said its true because my daddy said...or something.

When I was doing my work experience I had to witness a bunch of 4/5(I think) year olds arguing over who's Dad does the biggest poo.

One actually got upset that they wouldn't believe his dads was the biggest.

I swear. If every parent got involved in ever petty argument the world would be even more dramatic than it is now.

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