Other parents complaining about your child

[Sparkalinda]

I wondered just how many parents challenge the parents of children who they feel have upset their child? I have never done this as I feel that children are children and need to.negotiate their frienships themselves. I have messaged a.parent in the past to ask if their child is ok when.theyve upset.my child, but nothing challenging or confrontational. I feel that my friend has been very out of.order, she has insulted my parenting skills in response.to her child being upset about something my child.said. For context, my child.is 5 and hers is 7 and.it was something about my child saying their Daddy was a liar. Any friendship we had is over now and.there are wider implications meaning things are even more difficult for me.now.in life. This was all in text message and she woukdnt answer when I rang to try and sort this amicably. I really can't believe she has gotten so upset about.sonething so trivial and common place..any advice gratefully received....x

In terms of safeguarding children, I would never tell a child someone wasn't lying when they clearly were.

I think it's ok to say "generally we don't call people a liar to their face darling as they don't like it even if they are a liar. But you can say "that's not true" back and go tell the childminder and mummy after I pick you up.

I think that little girl believes in magic and her imaginary friend although really underneath she knows it isn't true - she's using her imagination to play what she thinks is a fun game. If you didn't think it was fun that's ok - because it was a lie and you can tell mummy and adults"

Your friend is being unreasonable. I wouldn't insert myself into an argument between kids of that age - they argue about all sorts of nonsense. I have DC of that age and they were arguing at the park about who would die first! The oldest according to one. The tallest according to another!

If the kids were previously friends and have become distant I'd maybe suggest a playdate in effort to bond or reconnect. It might work for your relationship with your friend too and avoid the wider implications of having that relationship strained as you mentioned above. Ignore the issue between the kids and just have a coffee and a chat.

I think you are getting a ridiculously hard time here, your ex friend should have said precisely nothing, it would all have totally blown over. It wasn't worth any further consideration at all far less the loss of a friendship by sending those texts. Presume the 7 year old must be her PFB for her to behave like this.

This is an absolute non event. They were arguing about an invisible friend. It sounds like a typical argument about something like santa where different childrens parents tell their children different things and they all think their version is the right one and don't have the capacity yet to get how different people believe different things and that's ok. I can totally see a 'my daddy says invisible friends can....' and another child with a different sort of imagination thinks that's not true and doesn't have the language yet to explain why and says your daddy is a liar.

I think you handled this correctly, you asked your daughter about it and asked the childminder about it. It's a mountain out of a mole hill.

I also think you were realistic that you can't guarantee something like this 'never happens again', you can talk to your daughter and explain why what she said might upset someone and she might never call him a liar again but a 5 year old is going to be quite brutal with their opinions and she is likely going to say something that upsets a 7 year old in the future and anyone who promised otherwise would be deluded. That said, if her daughter is genuinely upset then it may have been better to just say you were sorry and will speak to your daughter.

It sounds to me like they have to now explain to their daughter why they have 'lied' about some sort of imaginary game or something and it's been awkward and their daughter may have been upset. A bit like if your child had told hers that santa wasn't real and her parents had been lying to her - technically true but probably difficult to deal with

Total over reaction from the other Mum. They're kids, they'll get over it. The other Mum has made herself look silly and will soon realise that she can't get personally involved in every fall out her DD has, she'll exhaust herself and run out of friends! If I were you, I'd avoid her. She had no right to tell you how to deal with your DD.

If you press QUOTE on the post you want to reply to, then you can reply to the post with the person's post at the top of yours @Sparkalinda

Or just @ them in your post

Sounds like a flippant comment from a little girl…nothing for your friend to be so upset over. Looks like she’s a lover of strife and drama to create and star in. Leave her to it.

I don't insert myself in their arguments, simply because you can't be sure either child is telling the whole truth. Kids lie. I had a mum message a group of us once saying our children had been horrible to hers, really coming down on us. We all questioned our kids, they knew nothing of it. The parent then messaged saying she'd got the wrong end of the stick. I messaged back advising her to be sure of something before going to the parents, if she couldn't be sure and didn't see/hear it for herself, don't send accusing messages.
OP I don't think you've done anything wrong, your child is 5. She said the dad lied about something, which from the sounds of it, he did.

Generally yes better to let the kids sort it out themselves. However there are some children who are nasty bullies and it’s facilitated by parents who refuse to do anything about it. So it depends on the situation..

Total over-reaction from the other mum.

Perhaps teach your child to say “your dad was not telling the truth about that” rather than “your dad’s a liar”, in the same way it’s better to say “that was a naughty thing to do” rather than “you’re naughty”. I.e. criticise the behaviour not the person.

But your daughter is only 5! 5 year olds say these things and mean nothing by them. Your friend is being ridiculous.

If it was a single incident, then the friend is being totally unreasonable, especially as her child is the older one. Could it be that your child has been repeatedly teasing hers, and that this was just the last straw? Or that her child just told her, 'X says my daddy is a liar', without giving the context, and that the friend thought she was repeating something that you'd said? If neither of these, then the friend is making a big fuss about a fairly trivial incident. And it's true that you can't control what your child says when you're not there. You can tell your child that it's not nice to call people liars, but you can't ensure that she never uses the word in your absence.

Sometimes children use 'it's true, my Dad said so' to win an argument, the obvious retort from a child is, 'well your Dad is a liar then'. The mother is being silly. I don't know what you can do about it though.

Sarky moo that I am, my text response would be along the lines of.

Oh, so Dave does believe in unicorns then.

Got to page 2 and skipped it all.

The children were talking about an imaginary friend who's dad probably said did not exist. Can we just say OPINIONS! At this point I think the other mum is a bit PFB here. And very over the top.

Well to be honest the child is right the dad is a liar

But now we have to punish the child for being right because yet again someone got offended

@TheArtfulBlogger

If you press QUOTE on the post you want to reply to, then you can reply to the post with the person's post at the top of yours *@Sparkalinda*

Or just @ them in your post

Haha, great thank you! X

@ddl1

If it was a single incident, then the friend is being totally unreasonable, especially as her child is the older one. Could it be that your child has been repeatedly teasing hers, and that this was just the last straw? Or that her child just told her, 'X says my daddy is a liar', without giving the context, and that the friend thought she was repeating something that you'd said? If neither of these, then the friend is making a big fuss about a fairly trivial incident. And it's true that you can't control what your child says when you're not there. You can tell your child that it's not nice to call people liars, but you can't ensure that she never uses the word in your absence.

Thank you. This is exactly what I meant, I wasnt intending on being arrogant or flippant...

@Underfrighter

This is an absolute non event. They were arguing about an invisible friend. It sounds like a typical argument about something like santa where different childrens parents tell their children different things and they all think their version is the right one and don't have the capacity yet to get how different people believe different things and that's ok. I can totally see a 'my daddy says invisible friends can....' and another child with a different sort of imagination thinks that's not true and doesn't have the language yet to explain why and says your daddy is a liar.

I think you handled this correctly, you asked your daughter about it and asked the childminder about it. It's a mountain out of a mole hill.

I also think you were realistic that you can't guarantee something like this 'never happens again', you can talk to your daughter and explain why what she said might upset someone and she might never call him a liar again but a 5 year old is going to be quite brutal with their opinions and she is likely going to say something that upsets a 7 year old in the future and anyone who promised otherwise would be deluded. That said, if her daughter is genuinely upset then it may have been better to just say you were sorry and will speak to your daughter.

It sounds to me like they have to now explain to their daughter why they have 'lied' about some sort of imaginary game or something and it's been awkward and their daughter may have been upset. A bit like if your child had told hers that santa wasn't real and her parents had been lying to her - technically true but probably difficult to deal with

Thank you x

@Toothsil

I've always believed that kids need to be allowed to sort things out themselves, they fall out and make friends again, and that is a valuable thing they need to be able to do - they need to be able to have a chance to sort their own emotions out. My former best friend ended our friendship because our children had an argument and she didn't feel I'd disciplined my child. I did of course talk to DD about inappropriate things to say, but they had both allegedly said things to each other, and were friends again by the time the mum got onto me! My ex friend was blaming my child for everything when it was very much 2 sided and she decided to block me on all social media, and never speak to me again. I was very upset to begin with but soon realised how much calmer my life was without her and without DD having to pussyfoot around her DD, which was what had been happening.

Sad that this happened, but ultimately sounds better for you in the long run. Thanks for your reply.

Your friend is totally out of order. I learned a long time ago how precious some parents are. It’s a shame but true. Just put this down to experience- your child is 5, I wouldn’t tolerate the other parent at all

My point here is that I don't necessarily assume my child interpreted the situation in the in the way it happened. Its all pretty subjective and by asking if other child is ok, I am not passing any blame. In my experience, as soon as a parent does that, it becomes.about the parents- and we don't actually know what happened, because we weren't there...I try to be diplomatic is all. I have an older child and this approach has always worked well with her. This is why I am so surprised in this situation, because I've not experienced a parental attack before.

@Sittininafield

Sweet belly - so would it be ok for one the kids in year 1 to announce to the class that all their parents were liars?

What in gods name are you in about 🙄

Ah well, we used to get stopped in the street by random strangers complaining about DC3 (primary age). I think my name (& his) were mud for a few years. People would literally gasp "Oh, so YOU'RE DC2-name's mum!" Mr. X (teacher) also said to my face that DC3's bad behaviour was due to us not disciplining him. DC4 was labeled as having "anger issues" in primary.

Then DC3 went to secondary school where all the teachers early on and continually mentioned how polite & mature he was (!) DC4 has been called (publicly, social media) a "lovely gem of a young man" by high school staff. Mr X is actually quite friendly to us (we see him often at community events). He once asked my advice about some parenting issues.

Teen DD ... once had a parent ring to complain how much my DD had upset her DD. I knew a lot of back story the other parent did not know, which basically meant her DD had told several lies to her mum. I decided not to drop her DD in it, just apologised, said I'd speak to my DD (who promptly messaged every friend who promptly told the other girl off in phone messaging for making out my DD was to blame).

Can't make this crap up. Oh, and yanbu.