Other parents complaining about your child

[Sparkalinda]

I wondered just how many parents challenge the parents of children who they feel have upset their child? I have never done this as I feel that children are children and need to.negotiate their frienships themselves. I have messaged a.parent in the past to ask if their child is ok when.theyve upset.my child, but nothing challenging or confrontational. I feel that my friend has been very out of.order, she has insulted my parenting skills in response.to her child being upset about something my child.said. For context, my child.is 5 and hers is 7 and.it was something about my child saying their Daddy was a liar. Any friendship we had is over now and.there are wider implications meaning things are even more difficult for me.now.in life. This was all in text message and she woukdnt answer when I rang to try and sort this amicably. I really can't believe she has gotten so upset about.sonething so trivial and common place..any advice gratefully received....x

i guess many small children will say upsetting things to other children, it's quite common, You don't need some precious Mothers policing everything that goes on all the time with kids. and making complaints about small issues.

5 year old: I’ve got an imaginary friend called Sparkle- she’s sat right here but you can’t see her!
OP’s DD: No you haven’t! There’s no one there!
5 year old: There is! She’s here! My Daddy says she is real!
OP’s DD: That’s a lie! Your Daddy’s a liar!

Seriously??!! Anyone that could get upset about that, unless they themselves are also 5, is crazy! Yes perhaps a quick conversation with DD about how calling someone a liar can be hurtful, and about how people are allowed their own opinions and beliefs even if you don’t agree, but to be honest the OP’s DD had probably forgotten the whole thing even happened by the time they were home. The ranting text message would be enough for me to end this friendship OP. I might say ‘I’ve explained to DD that it isn’t kind to call someone a liar. She’s 5 though, and you know how they see things as black and white at this age, but of course it was an opportunity to learn that it’s not a kind thing to say, and I’m sorry if she upset your DD.’ And leave it at that.

Never seen a reply button on here. Posters usually quote the poster they are answering to do we know who you are answering.

I wouldn't be upset if I was the child's mother. Sounds like typical kids to me. Wouldn't even have bothered mentioning it to you. As you say childminder would have said something if it was a big deal for more than five minutes!

The way this ex friend has interpreted the situation and taken such offence, then proceeded to command you to control your child, as if you are a commoner who had upset an aristocratic says a lot. There was no respect in her demeanour. She certainly wasn’t afraid of losing your friendship.

It could be that her husband is indeed and a liar and this has touched a raw nerve.

Your harsh response to her emotional texts escalated the situation. PP suspected, given there was so little information in the OP, that your child was throwing false allegation against other’s loved ones with the intention to hurt, which is unacceptable behaviour and must be disciplined. However i doubt that was the case given the drip feed.

Also, time will tell. Whoever is the overbearing and irresponsible parent will find their child’s social life will dwindle to nothing over time. We are all social beings. Other parents will active discourage friendship with a child deemed crass/rude/dramatically sensitive or have parents who lack basic social skills.

@Sparkalinda

The childminder said the lying bit was because they were arguing about an invisible friend and her daughter said its true because my daddy said...or something.

Like at @AskingforaBaskin said, children chat shit!

How a parent can get involved with an argument over an invisible friend ..

@AnnesBrokenSlate

A child calling an adult a liar isn't trivial. You mishandled this.

A child is entitled to call an adult a liar, if they lied!

I thought we'd learnt to listen to our children and not have the "adults are never wrong" attitude that led to so much child abuse.

Clearly sone people still encourage their child to never speak out. Shame.

I don’t think you are giving us the truth , the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I’d like to hear the other parents side of the story too.

Are you sure your child didn’t repeat something negative YOU said about the other child’s father (or misheard what you said to someone else about him). She must have upset the other child a lot for the mum to react that way!

Personally I would have tried to untangle it as 5 year olds can say awful things and accidentally cause a lot of hurt. I’d have wanted to get to the bottom of it.

But generally no I don’t intervene if my child (6) is arguing or messing about with a friend, unless it seems dangerous eg they’re squabbling on a climbing frame. If an older child is nasty to him though (eg shoves him at the school gate or calls him a rude name) I tell the older child off (quietly and in an icily polite way which seems to terrify them).

I think I would have said, I'll talk to my dd and get to the bottom of it. Then leave it at that. Her reaction was over the top but it's possible her daughter has exaggerated what happened.

My teen dd once had a fallout with my close friends dd . Her daughter said some really nasty things and basically used it as an excuse to walk out of school (she had wanted to stay home that day) but my dd repeated something I'd said (not nasty just badly taken out of context) I bollocked my dd , but she blamed my dd for everything and our friendship never recovered.

Seems a big drama over nothing. Surely in response to her first message you could have just said 'sorry if she's upset your dc, I'll have a word with her' and this would all be over. You'd still have a friend and for whatever reason that this makes your life much harder wound the the case. It's probably because it was a direct insult of the parent that the mum got involved.

I think name calling is out of order, regardless of whether it's true. It wouldn't be ok to say "You're ugly" if it's true, or "your dad is smelly".

So from your messages to your friend it suggests you haven’t and won’t be talking to your daughter about it.
That oils be why she’s got annoyed

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

You didn't really explain what happened in your post so I can't comment on that. But my mum gently and firmly spoke to a couple of children when I was bullied at primary school. No one else ever did anything.

I'd do the same.

As someone who was bullied relentlessly in several schools, I thank you for this. Having to sort out your own issues as a victim of bullying is nearly impossible and adults won't help or often even make it worse.

I imagine your friend thinks that the comment about the daddy being a liar is a comment your child has heard from you

If people read the thread they can see what happened.
The other parent over reacted. How on earth will she cope when her dd discovers Father Christmas is not real and that her parents have been lying to her the whole time?

@WhoWants2Know

I think name calling is out of order, regardless of whether it's true. It wouldn't be ok to say "You're ugly" if it's true, or "your dad is smelly".

I think telling lies is wrong, how do you deal with your child when they lie?

So are you saying it's ok to say you've told a lie? But not to call someone a liar?

Calling someone ugly (which they cannot help), is not the same as calling someone a liar (which they can help), or a thief!

You're being ridiculous to compare these things.

She’s BU. You apologised her dd was upset and she has overreacted to a comment a 5 yo made in an argument about an imaginary friend. I do wonder if the comment about her DH being a liar touched a nerve, or she thinks you’ve said something similar about him and your dd has picked up on it. Regardless I’d be civil from now on and if she brings it up again just rinse and repeat - sorry her dd was upset - you’ve spoken to childminder and your dd - children sometimes have arguments about imaginary friends.

Why is your five year old calling an adult a liar? I’d be having a talk with her about inappropriate name calling no matter who was in the right. She’s five - she needs to be told to reign it in. Don’t be the parent who thinks this is acceptable - I’m a childminder and I would’ve spoken with you about this at pick up time - five year olds don’t need to be behaving like that.

@chocolatemademefat

Why is your five year old calling an adult a liar? I’d be having a talk with her about inappropriate name calling no matter who was in the right. She’s five - she needs to be told to reign it in. Don’t be the parent who thinks this is acceptable - I’m a childminder and I would’ve spoken with you about this at pick up time - five year olds don’t need to be behaving like that.

Again, I thought we'd got away from teaching our children to accept everything that adults did without question?

Do people not bring their children up now, saying if an adult is telling a lie or doing something you don't like then you speak out?

Think of all the child a use that went on, because children were told to shut up, that's an adult.

In 2022 I cannot believe that this sort or parenting goes on.

Before you say that this wasn't a "big lie", a lie is a lie to a child.

Wow!

Why is the childminder telling both parents of this stupid disagreement?

Aren't they use to looking after infant school aged children?

And having words with them when the incident happened?

OP you weren't there so you should simply reply as I was not there to witness what exactly was said you need to talk to the childminder, who was the adult in charge of them at the time.

This is about an invisible friend and has clearly been blown out of all proportion.

Your child has said the dad is a liar, because he lied about this. I'm not sure why the other parent felt the need to get involved.

Personally, I'd prefer my child to be confident enough to call people out on lies than believe something they're told just because it involved an adult.

I'm with you here op. Lots of dramatic parents here. I don't want to be that parent. I've got that yet to come. As you said, childminder said nothing. I'll teach and model kindness, read books on emotions and friendship like the colour monster but am not going to get involved in specific arguments and keep bringing them back up again. I don't want a teenager who overthinks and overanayses every conversation, I think that happens much more now anyway.

A five year old calling someone a liar is strong language imo. It’s not a word to use lightly and dc need to learn that, ‘fibber’ would have been better in this case. I’d be a bit shocked to hear a 5 year old calling someone a liar and I’d wonder where it came from. Does your dc struggle to distinguish imaginary play and real life? Most children know that imaginary play isn’t the same as lying. Saying that you can’t control what your child says was a bit rude too!

@RedWingBoots

Wow!

Why is the childminder telling both parents of this stupid disagreement?

Aren't they use to looking after infant school aged children?

And having words with them when the incident happened?

OP you weren't there so you should simply reply as I was not there to witness what exactly was said you need to talk to the childminder, who was the adult in charge of them at the time.

The whole point is that it was so low key the childminder never mentioned it! That's OPs point, if needed she would've mentioned it.