DP upset at me for not looking after myself

[CoralieBoralie]

have just had a fight (me crying) with DP in the kitchen. He had been quiet and I knew something was wrong so I asked straight out. He says it stems from him coming back to find me passed out on our bed in my clothes after a a glass of wine. I was dead tired anyway, so only one wine on top of that floored me - though he woke me up just by opening the bedroom door, and I'm certain I would have heard DD yelling through her monitor. Anyway - he says he's worried because I don't look after myself, listing bad diet (we eat healthy meals every night, and I love fruit, but I seldom have breakfast and my lunch is usually horrible like a bag beef hula hoops 😬) and no exercise. It's true, the only exercise I do is biweekly 40 minute round trip walking to pick up DD from nursery, and then obviously running after her (she's 2) when I'm not at work 3.5 days, taking her walks all over town etc.
I wish I wasn't so defensive, but it just felt a bit unfair.
As I said, I totally get the lunch stuff, but his voice of doom way of putting it really doesn't help

@Pluvia

When he came in in the evening (two-year-old safely asleep in bed) and found that you had fallen asleep fully clothed — which is what had happened — where had he been and what had he been doing? Had he been out at the gym or having a drink after work? Why isn't he at home to help you with your child in the evenings?

His response is classic passive aggressive: being angry with you but hiding it under a thin veneer of concern.

The original post doesn't actually say the child was safely in bed either, just that she thinks she'd have heard her through the monitor. Perhaps safely tucked up in bed at 9PM, or just left in her room at 11AM while the OP drank wine, none of us have a clue LOL.

As others have said, this post really doesn't bring across whether this is a partner with valid concerns or a dick. Would be interesting if the OP came back with a bit more info. Have to say, does smack of defensiveness to me, but who knows?

Op did not once say her child was asleep, just she would hear her yelling through her monitor!

I totally agree with the dh on this and also agree if the roles were reversed the men haters would be having a field day on here even more than they are now.

I think @FrangipaniBlue has hit the nail on the head.

Why are you so upset at him pointing these things out? Why are you only eating a packet of hula hoops until dinner time? You also mention your weight and that you've not got larger since having a child as if this is an unusual achievement (the 'i sound like a dick here' comment) - when in fact, most people don't, but they also don't starve themselves all day. I don't know, to me, this just rings alarm bells and I think your husband might well be justified in his concerns about your health.

I can understand why you'd be tired, and falling asleep on the covers isn't a big deal in and of itself.

However... it does sound as though your DP has reason to be worried, and this might have been the straw that breaks the camel's back. Skipping breakfast and having crisps for lunch means you're not keeping yourself well-nourished, and drinking even a small amount on an empty stomach can knock you out.

Also - if you're not eating well, you could be anaemic, which will make the tiredness worse. It maybe worth getting bloods done at your GP to see if you are deficient in iron or anything else? Anaemia is incredibly common in women, and I found that iron supplements made a huge difference to me.

He maybe didn't word it well (although it's not clear from your post what exactly he said), but you do have a responsibility to keep yourself healthy - both for yourself and for your DD. That means eating well, staying moderately active, and taking action to address your exhaustion, via your GP if necessary.

One glass of wine does not equal passed out!

No. So perhaps it was more than one glass?

A close friend had an alcoholic mum often found passed out on the bed in her clothes. She always swore it was one glass too.

You also mention your weight and that you've not got larger since having a child as if this is an unusual achievement (the 'i sound like a dick here' comment) - when in fact, most people don't, but they also don't starve themselves all day.

This is a good point. Skipping breakfast and then just crisps for lunch is effectively starving your body of both calories and nutrients all day.

Her DH may well be less worried if she'd put on a small amount of weight, but was eating a balanced and sufficient diet to nourish herself.

@Nomoreusernames1244

One glass of wine does not equal passed out!

No. So perhaps it was more than one glass?

A close friend had an alcoholic mum often found passed out on the bed in her clothes. She always swore it was one glass too.

• It was on an empty stomach

- A glass poured at home is often significantly larger than a standard pub measure

With those two factors, I think 1 glass could easily make someone pass out.

(That doesn't make it any better though!)

*- A glass poured at home is often significantly larger than a standard pub measure

With those two factors, I think 1 glass could easily make someone pass out*

Doesn’t matter how big the glass is, one massive glass or 3 small ones.

Bottom line is she has drunk enough to make her pass out, which is not a healthy approach to alcohol, empty stomach or not.

If one glass puts her out while caring for a child, she needs to reduce the glass size or be more responsible with eating beforehand.

[quote RussianSpy101]@LuckySantangelo35 yes. I would assume somebody passed out from alcohol would be unlikely to both hear the toddler wake and take care of the toddler if they were to wake.
Very irresponsible to have the sole carer for the child passed out from alcohol![/quote]
@RussianSpy101

I think after just a glass it’s more likely that op has just fallen asleep though exhaustion rather than passed out from alcohol. And then is no more or less likely to wake up should her toddler wake up and cry than any other time.

Honestly some people need to get a grip. One glass of wine doesn’t render anyone incapable or irresponsible. Lighten up!

@Octomore

You must be joking!
How was it on a empty stomach anyway, op eats an evening meal

Honestly some people need to get a grip. One glass of wine doesn’t render anyone incapable or irresponsible. Lighten up!

Yep, but many people also underestimate their alcohol intake.

It’s equally likely she’s had more than she’s letting on.

But the exhaustion s something the OP needs to address - it's almost certainly made worse by being malnourished/anaemic, and by the lack of calories she's consuming.

Starving yourself until dinner time (as a bag of crisp is not adequate nourishment) is not healthy or normal. The OP can 100% address this, and then 1 glass of wine wouldn't knock her out.

To be honest, now this may come across a little brutal, people can be turned off or suddenly find their partners unattractive when they let them selves go a bit, but to be honest this happens throughout relationships, sometimes we look like shit, sometimes we look great, up and downs and all that.

But a partner mostly mentions these things when someone else has come onto the scene and his comparing, so just be aware.

The original post doesn't actually say the child was safely in bed either, just that she thinks she'd have heard her through the monitor. Perhaps safely tucked up in bed at 9PM, or just left in her room at 11AM while the OP drank wine, none of us have a clue LOL.

Where are your kids when you're using the monitor to listen to them? Because mine are in bed, asleep.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Octomore

You must be joking!
How was it on a empty stomach anyway, op eats an evening meal[/quote]
She says she eats an evening meal with her DP. But her DP wasn't home yet. There is nothing to indicate that she ate a healthy meal on this particular evening.

IME someone who has a bag of crisps for lunch is unlikely to cook a healthy evening meal just for themselves.

The gap filling that people are doing itt is amazing

Did we all read the same OP?

@LuckySantangelo35 I’m not saying for a minute I believe she passed out after 1 glass.
What I’m saying is, I would be furious IF I assumed my partner was passed out from alcohol which is clearly what the scene looked like when OPs dp got home.

The only one who needs to get a grip is the adult who eats hula hoops for lunch.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Octomore

You must be joking!
How was it on a empty stomach anyway, op eats an evening meal[/quote]
Because she won't say what time this happened at. Perhaps it was before the evening meal. I read the husband walking in on her passed out as he walked in after work so it could be 5pm

@OnaBegonia

And yet another thread where if the OP was a man they'd be torn to shreds for having a single wine in charge of precious DC!!

Agreed

Yeah, the time makes a huge difference.

If I walked in at 5pm to find DH passed out on the bed having had some wine (I wouldn't know straight away how much), I'd be worried/annoyed.

If I walked in at 10:30pm to find DH passed out on the bed having had some wine, I'd just tuck him in.

*08:45LuckySantangelo35

CarryonCovid

I am actually wondering why you drank the wine, alone, on a weeknight ? It suggests not great health habits TBH .

@CarryonCovid

Oh get a grip!*

A grip of what? Drinking alone on a weeknight isn't great. What's to get a grip of ?

The fact that the OP refers to exhaustion being the reason for passing out makes me think it was earlier in the afternoon.

If it was late in the evening, there would be no need to justify it.

@CarryonCovid

A grip on yourself!
Having a glass or two of wine on your own of an evening is not a big deal or deviant behaviour. If she wasn’t doing it alone would it negate the alcohol units. No. Some people are so uptight and weird on here when it comes to alcohol

@CarryonCovid

*08:45LuckySantangelo35

CarryonCovid

I am actually wondering why you drank the wine, alone, on a weeknight ? It suggests not great health habits TBH .

@CarryonCovid

Oh get a grip!*

A grip of what? Drinking alone on a weeknight isn't great. What's to get a grip of ?

I'm a single parent. Am I never supposed to have a drink at home because I'm on my own? Stop being silly.