He called me a c*nt and broke my door

[indigobluess]

DP and I don't live together.

I own a business that he is involved in and we had a disagreement about it on Saturday. I told him that I was annoyed and was no longer prepared to have the conversation. I was getting upset and did not like his tone of voice. I asked for him to stop talking at me but he didn't.

I went on my phone and was carolling whilst he was repeating the same thing over and over. He felt that I was disrespectful by doing this. He got up, called me a cunt, slammed my door so hard the door handle fell off and left. We didn't speak at all until today.

He has mentioned in the past that I look disinterested during arguments, e.g. look at my nails. I was engaged in the conversation and maintaining eye contact until I felt it escalating and decided to disengage.

Today, he called me and said he isn't sorry for calling me a cunt or slamming the door and that he wants me to be remorseful and apologise for disrespecting him. His reasoning for the name he called me and slamming the door was because he felt disrespected (in a way he has felt disrespected in the past).

He says he loves me less than he did a week ago and that if he didn't react how he did, his anger would have manifested in pent up anger and resentment towards me. He still wants to be together and asks if I do to. I don't know. I haven't apologised yet.

AIBU?

OP won't leave. She'll be back in a year saying he's finally hit her and how can she get away 🙄

Please get rid for your own safety
If you stay in the relationship he will see it as a green light to escalate this nasty treatment
My ex started like this until I literally had to run for my life

So the reverse is....
'I tried to bring up something i was upset about with dp regarding his business, he completely ignored me, invalidated my feelings by telling me he didn't want to engage right now and then started scrolling on his phone all whilst I was trying to explain my point. I lost my temper called him a cunt a closed the door behind me, maybe a hit to hard, causing it to slam.'
Mumsnet response would be totally different.
OP... I am in now way depending the language he used towards you, or the rage in slamming the door.
Just saying every argument / disagreement is individual and this is a forum predominately for females, so most agree with the female in my opinion.

@Lago1

So the reverse is.... 'I tried to bring up something i was upset about with dp regarding his business, he completely ignored me, invalidated my feelings by telling me he didn't want to engage right now and then started scrolling on his phone all whilst I was trying to explain my point. I lost my temper called him a cunt a closed the door behind me, maybe a hit to hard, causing it to slam.' Mumsnet response would be totally different. OP... I am in now way depending the language he used towards you, or the rage in slamming the door. Just saying every argument / disagreement is individual and this is a forum predominately for females, so most agree with the female in my opinion.

A rather selective rewriting of the situation there tbh. You say "Maybe a bit too hard"? Whereas OP clearly states he "slammed my door so hard the door handle fell off and left."

He also refused to discuss it other than saying he "isn't sorry for calling me a cunt or slamming the door and that he wants me to be remorseful and apologise for disrespecting him."

With those nuggets added in rather than omitted your hypothetical OP is entirely different from the actual one.

Slamming a door on its own isn't particularly abusive, I have slammed a door in the past, as I'm sure have most, the handle falling off is unfortunate. He did apologise for calling her a cunt, but said her behaviour was cuntish and expected an apology in return.
I am just playing devils advocate here, I can see how the OP has seen the situation and it is terribile behaviour of the partner, but I can also see how the same situation could have been preceived by the partner and it is hard to judge from a forum who is in the right as you only get one perspective.

I've been reading threads of this tone on MN for a long time now, and am interested to see that other posters have picked up on the same point I have. This is: there are warning klaxons, flashing red lights and alarm bells all over men who lose their shit and lash out at partners they deem to have been 'disrespectful'.

The very word disrespect gives a pretty accurate indication of how those situations will end. Respect is mutual and had to be earned, it it's telling that so many men who demand it as theirs by right are seemingly incapable of reciprocating. Calling the partner you supposedly love a cunt and vandalising her property, are about as far from respectful behaviour as you can get.

A really good response to this kind of contempt is radio silence. See how 'respectful' he finds the prospect of arguing with thin air: at least it won't answer back.

Men of this type typically get worse. They don't improve.

@ManAlive24

OP won't leave. She'll be back in a year saying he's finally hit her and how can she get away 🙄

They don't live together.

An excellent idea would be not to start. If he's this bad in the earlier stages when they're not even cohabiting, just imagine an environment where he's there permanently and there's nowhere to go to escape it.

It's enough to make you shudder. And this comes from one with an abusive bastard of a father whom I didn't even have the choice to leave. There was no safe haven, anywhere, ever.

You can take it from me that it isn't pleasant.

@Lago1

Slamming a door on its own isn't particularly abusive, I have slammed a door in the past, as I'm sure have most, the handle falling off is unfortunate. He did apologise for calling her a cunt, but said her behaviour was cuntish and expected an apology in return. I am just playing devils advocate here, I can see how the OP has seen the situation and it is terribile behaviour of the partner, but I can also see how the same situation could have been preceived by the partner and it is hard to judge from a forum who is in the right as you only get one perspective.

It's not 'unfortunate', it's a direct consequence of slamming a door incredibly hard... in this case while calling someone a cunt.

An 'I'm sorry for calling you a cunt but you're a cunt' is hardly a genuine apology especially when followed up with demands of how OP should behave considering he lost his temper aggressively to that degree.

I think everyone has different levels of expectations and different boundaries of course but I'm glad mine mean that I don't think it's acceptable to be called names, have someone slam doors so hard they break bits of them and then be told it's my fault and I need to respect the person who did it while they explicitly say they aren't sorry.

I get you want to play devils advocate but sometimes you need to ask yourself why you want to advocate for certain people. All things are not equal. Passive aggression is shitty, yes. Aggression and violence, which includes slamming a door that hard, is scary.

And comments are veering closely into victim blaming by implying she 'made him' act that way or goaded him. He's a big boy. He can leave a room without behaving like a teenage thug losing his temper.

Are you serious? You actually want to know if you are being unreasonable or were being rude? NO! You are totally NOT at fault here. You said you no longer wanted to have the discussion. He breached your boundaries and continued to push and push when you said no. And even if you 'looking disinterested' during the argument (is that even a bad thing??) nothing, NOTHING would justify his verbal abuse of you, calling you a c-t, and being so physically violent that he broke a door! That shows some 'next level' violence!

You need to end the relationship. He is very violent. There is no excuse for slamming a door that hard, and especially no excuse for calling a woman a c-t. NEVER. No real man would ever address a woman that way. His lack of any remorse shows he is sociopathic, and narcissistic. It's a 'you made me do it' justification that manifests itself in men who hit women. "It's your fault'. 'You made me do it'. Any man who is that violent with doors or walls is dangerous and not relationship material. The fact he thinks it's ok to call ANY woman the word he calls you shows he hates you and hates women, he has no respect for you or women at all.

And if you stayed with him, you are showing you have no respect for yourself. When a man shows you their true violent narcissistic colours, believe them. Fire him from your business and sever all ties with him, leave him and do not look back.

He is scum.

My abusive STBXH used to call me that word and he never understood why I found it so horrific and disrespectful. It is the lowest thing I've ever been called and it was one of many things that made our marriage utterly irretrievably broken. I will never see past it. Get rid.

@Philisophigal

I think both if you sound quite childish and you shouldn't be together.

@Philisophigal How is the OP even remotely childish? She told him she didn't want to talk. She sat there and did nothing and said nothing. He: refused to accept no for an answer, harassed and bullied her, verbally abused her, and broke her door.

She said nothing and did nothing except say she didn't want a discussion.

How, in what dimension in any galaxy is she childish?

How, in what dimension in any galaxy is she childish?

In Handmaiden's Galaxy. It's only unfortunate that this was neither a long time ago nor far, far away ...