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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called me a c*nt and broke my door

138 replies

indigobluess · 13/04/2022 21:15

DP and I don't live together.

I own a business that he is involved in and we had a disagreement about it on Saturday. I told him that I was annoyed and was no longer prepared to have the conversation. I was getting upset and did not like his tone of voice. I asked for him to stop talking at me but he didn't.

I went on my phone and was carolling whilst he was repeating the same thing over and over. He felt that I was disrespectful by doing this. He got up, called me a cunt, slammed my door so hard the door handle fell off and left. We didn't speak at all until today.

He has mentioned in the past that I look disinterested during arguments, e.g. look at my nails. I was engaged in the conversation and maintaining eye contact until I felt it escalating and decided to disengage.

Today, he called me and said he isn't sorry for calling me a cunt or slamming the door and that he wants me to be remorseful and apologise for disrespecting him. His reasoning for the name he called me and slamming the door was because he felt disrespected (in a way he has felt disrespected in the past).

He says he loves me less than he did a week ago and that if he didn't react how he did, his anger would have manifested in pent up anger and resentment towards me. He still wants to be together and asks if I do to. I don't know. I haven't apologised yet.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
indigobluess · 13/04/2022 22:18

He invested in the business. Everything is in my name, we signed no contracts etc. not sure where I stand yet.

I'm finding it hard to walk away.

He spoke to his mother who told him what he did wasn't on but she understands why he did it.

OP posts:
Original poster
indigobluess · 13/04/2022 22:19

@ButtockUp

He was being absolutely brutish. But why would you stare at your nails/phone while he's talking to you?
In this instance, I had tried to disengage and asked for the conversation to be over as it was escalating. After he ignored this and carried on, I then went on my phone.
OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 13/04/2022 22:20

@CinstonWhurchill

"I went on my phone and was carolling".

Sorry what does carolling mean in this context ?

It can mean to sing or say something happily. But I would wager is was a typo for scrolling.
LexMitior · 13/04/2022 22:22

Men who break your things will break you one way or the other. That is what it means. Have a care for yourself.

saraclara · 13/04/2022 22:22

@ineedsun

Yes it’s rude to start checking your phone / looking disinterested but that doesn’t warrant his response
That. I get that you needed to do it to manage your own reactions, but to the other person who can't read your mind, yes, it's rude and would wind them up.

However, this seems to be part of a pattern, and there's absolutely no excuse for what he did.

userxzfyjoot · 13/04/2022 22:22

I thought you started singing during an argument and would have said YABU as is he.
But now you've clarified, it's still rude but he is BU.

BadNomad · 13/04/2022 22:24

He's not sorry. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour. That's enough for me. You need to find a way to pay him back for his investment but you don't owe him a relationship.

ickky · 13/04/2022 22:27

So you asked him to stop, he carried on and now it's all your fault?

Fuck that shit, he has anger issues if he cannot argue/discuss without resorting to abuse and slamming doors.

Get him out of your business and do not apologise.

knowinglesseveryday · 13/04/2022 22:28

Get rid. He doesn't know how to relate, and he can't accept disagreements well. He is offensive if he doesn't get his own way, and a bit aggressive. This won't improve, I don't think. They are all red flags, and there are much better men.

knowinglesseveryday · 13/04/2022 22:29

And he doesn't back down.

DeliaOwens · 13/04/2022 22:31

OP.

What you put up with, you end up with.

Examine what you tolerate.

Think of your life 10, 20, 30 years from now and ask yourself, is this what I would be happy with?

No one would ever treat me this way, or call me any derogatory name. I would never allow it.

yesterdayisgone · 13/04/2022 22:36

This kind of behaviour will escalate if you carry on with this relationship. They never change

Saltyquiche · 13/04/2022 22:48

Can you pay him back and end the relationship

You asked him to stop and give you space and he totally ignored you. Very disrespectful, no wonder you scrolled on your phone to disengage from the situation

PaddingtonStareBare · 13/04/2022 22:52

I think you need to focus on the violence he displayed and not the fact you went on your phone, you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore and disengaged. He didn't like that and threw a strop - a violent one. He didn't like the fact you didn't acknowledge his feelings - tough shit, his feelings went to violence to inatimate object.

He is responsible for that and not you, his mum will naturally defend him so don't look to her for understanding and comfort.

If he's invested with no financial contracts then this leaves you with some power. Do you own a limited company and all shares are are yours? Don't sign anything over to him.

I would strongly advise you look at backing away from him and breaking up, calling you a cunt or even using disgusting language like that shows his level of disrespect for you. I'm not sure if you have been exposed to what a healthy relationship is, but this certainly isn't one. I've been married 20 years and we've had some ripper rows during that time that I can count on one hand but my husband and I have never resorted to name calling or swearing at each other.

All the best OP and I hope you find a way forward whilst taking on board the advice given here. Flowers

Startuplife · 13/04/2022 22:55

Any man who called me that word would no longer be in my life

WulyJmpr · 13/04/2022 22:56

He sounds rubbish. You deserve better and by the way you have the right to look at your nails as much as you want without being intimidated

DropYourSword · 13/04/2022 23:03

Today, he called me and said he isn't sorry for calling me a cunt or slamming the door and that he wants me to be remorseful and apologise for disrespecting him.

If that were me it'd be the last conversation I ever had with him.
He is showing just who he is.

Bryonny84 · 13/04/2022 23:03

Get rid of him out of your life and your business. He'll try to take over both. Get legal advice on the business side if you need to. On the relationship side I'd just say it's over, end of and mean it. There's so much better for you out there, with or without a man.

Lalliella · 13/04/2022 23:05

He’s shown you his true colours. This will escalate. Dump him now. While you still have no bruises.

tabbycatstripy · 13/04/2022 23:08

He called you a cunt.

Scianel · 13/04/2022 23:08

But why would you stare at your nails/phone while he's talking to you?

From what OP has posted, she was disengaging from being shouted at after he'd ignored her attempt to terminate the conversation once he raised his voice.

Cherrysoup · 13/04/2022 23:09

Why were you on your phone when he was trying to engage you to argue/discuss/whatever? That would have massively frustrated me. It’s very pointed and obviously showing that you don’t give a shit. I understand you don’t want to argue, but that’s a very immature manner of ‘resolving’ it.

BoredZelda · 13/04/2022 23:11

It was rude to look at your phone.

That was no excuse for his behaviour and you should leave him.

ForeverSingle881 · 13/04/2022 23:11

The shouting AT you endlessly is so so familiar. My exH was like this and it was awful. It got progressively worse, imagine a woman cowering on a sofa with a man standing above her shouting and spouting abuse for HOURS, well into 2am at night. I couldn't even ask my family for help as I didn't know how to describe it, it was nuts. He would just say the same thing over and over, as well as threats to leave me etc. I would become disengaged quickly as well because I knew there was no end but that would make it worse as he got angrier! What he wanted was hours and hours of grovelling and apologies which is soul destroying. I stuck around for 7 years of this shit. Please don't be me.

ForeverSingle881 · 13/04/2022 23:13

It was NOT rude to look at your phone. I recognize this so well from my own abusive ex husband. You tried to end the argument, he wanted to prolong it endlessly. That's emotional abuse, walk away.