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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He called me a c*nt and broke my door

138 replies

indigobluess · 13/04/2022 21:15

DP and I don't live together.

I own a business that he is involved in and we had a disagreement about it on Saturday. I told him that I was annoyed and was no longer prepared to have the conversation. I was getting upset and did not like his tone of voice. I asked for him to stop talking at me but he didn't.

I went on my phone and was carolling whilst he was repeating the same thing over and over. He felt that I was disrespectful by doing this. He got up, called me a cunt, slammed my door so hard the door handle fell off and left. We didn't speak at all until today.

He has mentioned in the past that I look disinterested during arguments, e.g. look at my nails. I was engaged in the conversation and maintaining eye contact until I felt it escalating and decided to disengage.

Today, he called me and said he isn't sorry for calling me a cunt or slamming the door and that he wants me to be remorseful and apologise for disrespecting him. His reasoning for the name he called me and slamming the door was because he felt disrespected (in a way he has felt disrespected in the past).

He says he loves me less than he did a week ago and that if he didn't react how he did, his anger would have manifested in pent up anger and resentment towards me. He still wants to be together and asks if I do to. I don't know. I haven't apologised yet.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/04/2022 23:15

If you do anything other than dump this guy and stop working with him then you would be absolutely crazy.

OatmilkandCookies · 13/04/2022 23:21

Nope. Nopety nope nope. Please tell us you are not going back to him

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 13/04/2022 23:21

@indigobluess

He has offered to pay for breaking the door, but that he isn't sorry.

He can't understand where I am coming from. He thinks I am the villain

Then you need out, and quickly. he felt it acceptable to do what he did. He crossed a major line. And feels you are to blame. Every abusers script, it is never their fault, if you had not made them angry etc etc. We are all occasionally disrespectful either accidentally or on purpose. The fact here is that you asked him to stop because the way he was speaking to you was upsetting. So your disrespect came after he had not respected your request to stop. Major red flag. Even if he believes his underlying point, getting that angry, breaking things, calling names should always be apologised for. Or better yet, never done in the first place.

Ellie56 · 13/04/2022 23:30

He's a violent tosser who calls you names and is not sorry.

Just dump him. You are worth more than this.

Sittingonabench · 13/04/2022 23:32

No you were reasonable. There was a conversation turning into an argument, you told him you didn’t want to continue the conversation - I.e set a clear boundary. He ignored that and continued to push his want to have the conversation on you - that was the disrespectful action in this. You disengaged and refused to re-engage - sticking to your boundaries. He got frustrated and lashed out verbally and physically. This man does not understand boundaries and does not respect yours. He does not get to push his wants above yours. If he can’t understand that then your best out of it as next time his lashing out may not be to the door. You did the right thing - stick to your boundaries.

AKASammyScrounge · 13/04/2022 23:40

@nocoolnamesleft

He says he loves me less than he did a week ago and that if he didn't react how he did, his anger would have manifested in pent up anger and resentment towards me.

That sounds rather threatening. Which, especially given his lack of control and violence to objects, is extremely worrying. And he's blaming it all on you. The red flags are waving. You deserve better than him.

He's warning you that his rage is mounting and feeding you the idea that whatever happens it's all your fault. He is potentially a very dangerous man.

NowNowDermot · 14/04/2022 00:00

He wants you to apologise for disrespecting him? Was he not disrespectful towards you when you asked him to stop talking at you and he continued and then escalated? Someone posted this the other day and I saved it because it's 100% true.

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority". For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person".

The way he's behaved suggests this may well apply to him, you didn't treat him as an authority by giving him your attention (even though you clearly needed a break from the conversation) so he escalated to a show of aggression to put you in your place. Calling you a cunt is about as disrespectful (and dehumanising) as it gets in this context and yet it's you who needs to apologise? I'd be gone OP, staying with him just gives him the green light to do the same again, or worse

Maray1967 · 14/04/2022 00:07

Yes, he’s furious because you didn’t accept his behaviour- the ranting on and on. In his mind he is right and he sends you to admit it.
You were in the right to try to disengage from it.
There is absolutely no way I would stay with someone like this.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/04/2022 00:21

Your AIBU is irrelevant. You can do better. Dump him and move on.

The two of you do not argue in compatible ways. It isn’t any one’s fault. It just is.

There will be many more episodes like this in life. You need to find someone who approaches them in a way that is compatible or sympathetic to your way of approaching them.

Hint - not this bloke!

DontStopMeNow7 · 14/04/2022 00:23

How long have you been together? Using that language is verbal abuse. Another red flag is telling you he now loves you less than last week; it sounds like a threat and a punishment. He basically got angry because you dared to disengage. He’s being controlling. This is very bad.

707smile · 14/04/2022 00:28

He sounds awful. I'm sure he was angry and frustrated that he didn't feel heard but that doesn't make it okay to call you a c* or to break your door.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/04/2022 00:31

AIBU as I was rude to look on my phone whilst he was talking to me, which has upset him in the past?

I think it's a bit dismissive, depends which carol and how good a singer you are; but it's not really relevant whether you were slightly rude because his reaction was batshit.

If he can't recognise that and learn to use words like a big boy then you need to LTB.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/04/2022 00:35

I asked for him to stop talking at me but he didn't.

Actually I missed this bit. Mind changed:

You weren't even slightly rude. He has no right to ride roughshod over your boundaries.

Lago1 · 14/04/2022 00:43

Not excusing his behaviour but the double standards on here....
If it had been the other way round, he would be being accused of 'stonewalling' and 'being cold'

TheMoreYouKnow · 14/04/2022 01:00

If that's how he deals with conflict then he needs to grow up. Exhausting.

GCAcademic · 14/04/2022 07:07

@Lago1

Not excusing his behaviour but the double standards on here.... If it had been the other way round, he would be being accused of 'stonewalling' and 'being cold'

Oh give over with that double standard crap.

You really can’t see why a woman would feel more need to try to deescalate a situation than a man would?

saraclara · 14/04/2022 07:50

It's true though. If a woman was posting here and said "I got really upset and wanted him to listen to me but he just played with his fucking phone" we'd all recognise how frustrating that was.

pointythings · 14/04/2022 08:43

@Lago1

Not excusing his behaviour but the double standards on here.... If it had been the other way round, he would be being accused of 'stonewalling' and 'being cold'

Quite simply not true. OP had already indicated she did not wish to continue the argument. And forcing eye contact is a tactic abusers use. I know, because my husband did it with my kids. His insistence on eye contact and treating it as 'disrespectful' is part of the abusive behaviour.

And I would absolutely say the same if it was a woman doing this to a man.

gingerbiscuits · 14/04/2022 08:55

How can you consider staying in a relationship with someone who (a) calls you a c*nt (b) storms off like a child (c) isn't sorry for any of it (d) loves you less when you don't do/say/act how he wants you to????

No. Just no.

OatmilkandCookies · 14/04/2022 09:49

@Lago1

Not excusing his behaviour but the double standards on here.... If it had been the other way round, he would be being accused of 'stonewalling' and 'being cold'

If a woman called her partner a c*nt and broke his door that would not be seen as excusable

FOJN · 14/04/2022 09:58

Not excusing his behaviour but the double standards on here....
If it had been the other way round, he would be being accused of 'stonewalling' and 'being cold'

I think context is everything.

Taking a break from an unproductive discussion is a sensible thing to do, it gives space for heightened emotions to cool down. OP had signalled she wanted her partner to stop talking at her but he continued, not engaging seems like an attempt to de-escalate in situ.

This is not the same as a partner having any attempt to discuss an issue ignored, rejected or manipulatively derailed.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/04/2022 10:04

He still wants to be together and asks if I do to.

YWBVU to get back together with him. He is nasty, abnormal and dangerous. You need to get him out of your life as quickly and safely as possible.

if he didn't react how he did, his anger would have manifested in pent up anger and resentment towards me.

Meaning that he is threatening to hit you.

Return his stake in the business, you should probably do it properly with input from a lawyer so he has no comeback. And get him out of your life before he destroys you.

Newestname002 · 14/04/2022 10:09

Seriously, @indigobluess, this man has no respect for you. Why would you not see this as the first rung of controlling behaviour by him over you? Surely, if you accept behaviour in this instance he knows he can get away with the same again, or worse?

What positives are you gaining from this relationship emotionally that some self-respect wouldn't cure if you were no longer with him?

Are you in a position to sever not just the emotional but the financial connection with him? Perhaps see if you can get a bank loan or borrow from your home equity if you have any to repay him and go your own way without him in your life?

Thank goodness you don't live together. Consider changing your locks at the same time as paying to fix your door- and don't give him new keys. 🌹

Herja · 14/04/2022 10:11

He is telling you he is in charge. You don't get to argue or have opinions - you can do as your told or be punished.

I had one like this. Gave up having an opinion pretty quickly. My life became sad and small and horrid. So, I found my voice and argued back. He started throwing things at me; smashed door locks trying to kick them in to scare me when I hid from him; terrified our children; slammed a door on to my head then looked me in the eyes and told me he hadn't... Now he pretends none of it happend and treats me like I'm a stupid child if I appear afraid of him. He forgets I have the pictures and disturbing apology card to prove it.

Anyway, I cannot recommend it. Someone who demands obedience or will punish you is always a tosser who will get worse. Adults argue occasionally, then reach an agreement. Abusers argue, then demand apologies and compliance. Which of these does it look like he's choosing...?

astoundedgoat · 14/04/2022 10:14

You disengaged from an argument after asking him to de-escalate. He responded with violence. He was unreasonable, you were not.

He is going to hit you next, and whether he is conscious of it or not, he is laying groundwork for you to believe that it will be your fault when he beats you. It is likely that he grew up in a violent household, given that his mother supports how he handled it, i.e. she has also been conditioned to believe violence is her fault.

Have you been hit or abused in previous relationships? You seem to be less shocked by his physical outburst than you might be, and don't seem to recognise this as a serious danger warning.

Thank goodness you don't live with him. It will be very straightforward now for you to remove him completely from your life.

Make sure you have people to talk to about him in real life. Don't let him separate you from your friends or parents.

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