Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

He called me a c*nt and broke my door

138 replies

indigobluess · 13/04/2022 21:15

DP and I don't live together.

I own a business that he is involved in and we had a disagreement about it on Saturday. I told him that I was annoyed and was no longer prepared to have the conversation. I was getting upset and did not like his tone of voice. I asked for him to stop talking at me but he didn't.

I went on my phone and was carolling whilst he was repeating the same thing over and over. He felt that I was disrespectful by doing this. He got up, called me a cunt, slammed my door so hard the door handle fell off and left. We didn't speak at all until today.

He has mentioned in the past that I look disinterested during arguments, e.g. look at my nails. I was engaged in the conversation and maintaining eye contact until I felt it escalating and decided to disengage.

Today, he called me and said he isn't sorry for calling me a cunt or slamming the door and that he wants me to be remorseful and apologise for disrespecting him. His reasoning for the name he called me and slamming the door was because he felt disrespected (in a way he has felt disrespected in the past).

He says he loves me less than he did a week ago and that if he didn't react how he did, his anger would have manifested in pent up anger and resentment towards me. He still wants to be together and asks if I do to. I don't know. I haven't apologised yet.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Planesmistakenforstars · 14/04/2022 10:14

You were't rude for looking at your phone. You told him you didn't want to continue the conversation (because of his tone) and then you disengaged from the conversation. He didn't like that, so he immediately escalated to violence. He is dangerous OP, and testing out what he can get away with while making you accept that it's your fault. Get him out fo your life.

Wiredforsound · 14/04/2022 10:19

You need to get away from him. Just do what it takes to get away.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/04/2022 10:20

@saraclara

It's true though. If a woman was posting here and said "I got really upset and wanted him to listen to me but he just played with his fucking phone" we'd all recognise how frustrating that was.

If she then said she had called him a cunt and broken a door I don't think many people, if any, would say that was understandable, excusable or proportionate.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 14/04/2022 10:29

Research the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I can spot gaslighting. Telling you your response was disproportionate but his violence was proportionate. His mum is his flying monkey. Ignore her. He's also DARVO this is an abusive tactic to put the blame on you. You need to end the relationship. He's not a DP, he's the perpetrator of your abuse

cupofdecaf · 14/04/2022 10:36

He's saying you can't end an augment only he can. You asked to stop and tried to disengage. The 'disrespect' he talks about he feels because you tried to take control.

He's needs to be gone. If you let this happen what are you going to tolerate next?

Can you afford to pay him back for an easy exit? If there's no agreements is it recorded in any emails or texts etc?

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/04/2022 10:49

OP you should ditch him. He’s not accepting that you sometimes disagree with his opinions. In a healthy argument, once someone had said there piece, and the other person doesn’t agree, they drop the subject or leave if they’re too angry to drop it and continue whatever they were doing before. Some disagreements can take multiple conversations to solve. What your partner is doing is refusing to accept that you disagree with him, and continuing the argument until you’ve literally told him you don’t want to keep talking about it, then you’ve had to resort to disengaging and hoping he stops, at which point he gets violent and verbally abusive, which he then blames you for. You are incompatible and he way of dealing with disagreements is unacceptable.
It may be incredibly frustrating if you’re not willing to talk about issues that need solving, or the differences of opinion that you have may actually be unsolvable. These can be real reasons for ending business partnerships or romantic relationships. But this in no way excuses
his violence and verbal abuse. Dump him.

comfortablyfrumpy · 14/04/2022 11:14

Can you give him his investment back?

I wouldn't want to be continuing any relationship with someone acting like this .

idwtg · 14/04/2022 11:31

Leave this abusive idiot.
He's even checked with mummy to see it his abuse is ok and she's pretty much told him he's justified in abusive behaviour towards you.
It's classic 'look what you made me do'.
He's checking what shit you'll tolerate. 'Do you still want to be with me?' In other words, 'was that level of abuse ok for you to stick around at?'

Please god

Do not have kids.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 14/04/2022 11:44

You both sound like a pair of childish idiots.
Imagine being in a business meeting and the people in the room are scrolling their phones and generally being passive-aggressive. Then the chair gets up shouts at everyone and storms out slamming the door.

Original poster

indigobluess · 14/04/2022 12:04

@Hrpuffnstuff1

You both sound like a pair of childish idiots. Imagine being in a business meeting and the people in the room are scrolling their phones and generally being passive-aggressive. Then the chair gets up shouts at everyone and storms out slamming the door.

It wasn't a business meeting.

OP posts:

Fulmine · 14/04/2022 12:08

His conduct is inexcusable, but honestly staring at your phone and scrolling must have come over as incredibly childish. It would have been much more sensible simply to keep repeating "I've told you I'm not continuing this conversation with you, we can continue it when you've calmed down and are prepared to take sensibly". Or, if necessary, simply get up and leave the room.

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2022 12:10

Why do you want to stay with him?

Hiphophippityskip1 · 14/04/2022 12:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hiphophippityskip1 · 14/04/2022 12:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Scianel · 14/04/2022 12:27

Imagine being in a business meeting and the people in the room are scrolling their phones and generally being passive-aggressive. Then the chair gets up shouts at everyone and storms out slamming the door

Imagine being in a business meeting, having a big snog then starting to have sex. No? Exactly. Stupid comparison.

Triffid1 · 14/04/2022 12:46

Well, personally, if a man ever told me I was "disrespecting him" during an argument, that would be a hard "Bye" from me. A man who says that is always a misogynist wanker who expects to be centered in all conversations, decisions and activities at all time.

The fact that he was ALSO violent, as attempted to blame YOU for HIS behaviour and called you names is just the cherry on top.

End it now.

Fulmine · 14/04/2022 12:49

@Scianel

Imagine being in a business meeting, having a big snog then starting to have sex. No? Exactly. Stupid comparison.

Huh? How is that relevant?

holrosea · 14/04/2022 12:59

As someone who often disengages when it becomes clear that an argument is going in circles or that neither person is willing to be reasonable or listen to the other, I find your behaviour understandable. I have filed my nails while someone shouts at the top of my head because what else can you do if you cannot physically leave?

In your situation I would not continue the relationship without some serious councelling or relationship therapy, given how incompatible your arguing styles are. However, I don't think I'd continue any relationship with someone who thinks that calling me a c**t and breaking furniture is justifiable.

If what you were doing was so disrepectful to him (BS - he was being disrespectful by continuing to rant when you have asked to end the conversation) then he should have left/walked away/sat in a corner and sulked. Not called you a c**t and not broken your door.

I'd add that once someone has demonstrated that his behaviour is acceptable, what's next? Breaking a vase? Kicking something in? Threatening you? All because the situation has become so confrontational that you wish to withdraw? That sounds terrible.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 14/04/2022 13:09

@Scianel

Imagine being in a business meeting, having a big snog then starting to have sex. No? Exactly. Stupid comparison.

'I own a business that he is involved in and we had a disagreement about it on Saturday'.

So you were discussing business and you behaved like a tit and so did he.
You both need to grow up.
How is what you said relevant.
It's not it's bullshit.

Littleorangeflowers · 14/04/2022 13:14

Red flag city. Someone said he's got anger problems. Does he behave like this in Tescos, or at shopkeepers, or elsewhere? No? Then he hasn't got anger problems. He's got an 'im angry at you and think I can break stuff if you're annoying me problem.' there's a difference. Read Lundy Bancroft books and leave him if you at all can

HTH1 · 14/04/2022 13:24

Step 1: remove him from your business.

Step 2: remove him from your life.

And….relax. Don’t you feel better now?

Drinkingallthewine · 14/04/2022 13:30

I left a man exactly like this. Even when he was blatantly out of order he would find some way to make it seem my fault. I got called a cunt too. And like an earlier poster it became a weekly occurrence where he was screaming into my face over god knows what and up until the early hours of the morning. Arguing back escalated him, staying silent escalated him, walking away escalated him, there was nothing that would suffice except to stand there and take hours of venomous abuse, and apologise abjectly for something I didn't do for hours on end.

It is abusive. That was confirmed to me by Womens' Aid if that helps you?

I learned from that relationship. I learned that I have the right to disengage in any conversation when someone is losing their temper. I've the right to walk away. No matter who is at fault, I have the right to civility and not be called names.

I don't think you did a thing wrong scrolling on your phone and ignoring him - you'd already clearly told him you wanted to stop talking about as it was escalating.

Him talking about you 'respecting' him is also telling you loads about his behaviour. His idea of respect is a one-way street. He wasn't respecting you or your wishes to park the conversation until it was calmer, or when he frightened you with slamming the door and name calling. Where's his respect for you?

sillysmiles · 14/04/2022 13:31

You were having a business disagreement and you were on your phone because you didn't want to talk to him anymore. That's not how you solve business disagreements.

I think you both need to work out your "style" of arguing and reaching resolution because you don't sound like it is currently compatible.

My AIBU is, AIBU as I was rude to look on my phone whilst he was talking to me, which has upset him in the past?
Yes you were rude. And you knew it was something that has pissed him off in the past so it sounds like you were pushing buttons.

LemonPledge555 · 14/04/2022 13:44

If you said to him clearly that you needed to stop the conversation and then disengaged while he continued to rant and rave, then he’s U, not you. You’re entitled to cut something off before it escalates.

jackstini · 14/04/2022 13:53

YANBU but would have probably been wiser to walk away after you had told him the discussion was over

It is rude to ignore people by scrolling on your phone, but you had told him the conversation was over

What he did was massively disrespectful - abusive, violent and wrong - yet he is still owning it

No way on earth I would want to be with him

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread