Page 6 | You can’t do naughty step or timeout with some kids

Twentysplenty · 2022-04-13T09:52:18+00:00

AIBU or is it impossible with some kids? My 4 year old is too heavy for me to carry and if I do manage to carry him to naughty step or his bedroom he just cries and screams and just runs back at me again clinging to my legs. If I tell him NAUGHTY STEP NOW. He refuses. Please tell me IABU and naughty step/timeout IS possible, and how to do that with a child who just refuses. (It makes it worse that usually my 1 year old will be sleeping and I don’t want 4 year olds screaming to wake the baby).

notanothertakeaway · 13/04/2022 15:09

@Twentysplenty

I was once told by a child psychologist that you only have to get parenting perfect 33% of the time, and be ok 33% of the time, and can still make mistakes for the final third - and still be a pretty good parent

I think I’m doing ok then, phew. I just lost my rag at him again because he continuously refused to put his sticklebricks away which the baby is trying to eat. It’s relentless and exhausting trying to get him to do as he’s told.

You "losing the rag again" isn't great for any of you

You might find a parenting course helpful eg The Incredible Years

whywhythough · 13/04/2022 15:13

@Twentysplenty

Oh and I said please put them away because if your brother eats them he’ll have to go to hospital. He said he wanted him to go to hospital, that would be funny. I give up.

He is 4. He won't apply the same response to 'having to go to hospital' that you do

Lochjeda · 13/04/2022 15:14

It didn't work with my second daughter. She would be naughty then say il go to the step then and go to the step happily herself and sit there singing away enjoying it. There was no punishment in it for her at all.

Original poster

Twentysplenty · 13/04/2022 15:16

You "losing the rag again" isn't great for any of you.

I know. I have much less patience than usual as I’m ill. I had a temperature of 39 this morning.

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Reluctantadult · 13/04/2022 15:20

@Twentysplenty

I was once told by a child psychologist that you only have to get parenting perfect 33% of the time, and be ok 33% of the time, and can still make mistakes for the final third - and still be a pretty good parent

I think I’m doing ok then, phew. I just lost my rag at him again because he continuously refused to put his sticklebricks away which the baby is trying to eat. It’s relentless and exhausting trying to get him to do as he’s told.

So if I asked my nearly 5yo to tidy his bricks away (or in his case, playmobil fish...) he'd probably do it about 25% of the time. If he didn't want to and I said what you said about hospital that wouldn't make him do it. But if I said right then, 2 minutes tidy up, let's see how much you can do in 1 song, bung a song on my phone, he'd do it. Or I've got a countdown timer for kids on my phone that reveals a duck. I KNOW it's a pita doing things that way,especially when you're tired, but it's kind of like training them isn't it.

Triffid1 · 13/04/2022 15:20

Honestly, if you're not well, I'd cut everyone some slack. Let him watch back go back fireman sam or whatever and just tell him because you're not well, you just need a very quiet day!

Original poster

Twentysplenty · 13/04/2022 15:21

@Reluctantadult it’s nice to know he’s just acting like a normal 4 year old. He just feels very hard work today. Baby is asleep now though so we can make cookies!

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RonaldMcDonald · 13/04/2022 15:23

We never, ever used it.
I’m not sure it works.

Teaching children that sometimes they need a bit of quiet time for them and you to regain control of your temper/emotions etc is fine
This should not be done in a ‘time out now’ fashion.

Saying why don’t we take some time where we can think about how we are feeling is useful.
Asking kids what do you think was happening for you when blah happened?
Examining what happened before
Exploring emotions - including asking the child how they thought you or others felt when they said or did blah
All useful

It also requires about 45-60 mins for an adult
We rarely have enough support as adults to be able to use time out properly to help us regain control
We also have to explain our emotions and reactions to the child and apologise to them too where necessary
Power and control over kids works but only for short periods and then you see increasingly violent opposition

Mossstitch · 13/04/2022 15:23

I think a lot of this behaviour sounds like he's jealous of the baby and feels that he is losing out on your attention. If he was playing with the stickle bricks then I would have removed the baby and distracted him with something else. If not I probably would have picked them up myself if I suspected it would turn into a battle (pick your battles to important ones!) or turned it into a game, 'I can pick up more than you can.......'

I had three boys, all in their 30s now so 'naughty step' wasn't around when they were little but I don't like the idea, I think it would have caused more confrontation than it resolved personally. I can honestly say I never had any of them bite, hit, spit or have tantrums in shops but I was always talking to them/distracting/explaining what was going to happen to avert any poor behaviour. I'm by no means saying I was perfect and lost my temper sometimes especially when all three were squabbling but they knew pretty early on what was expected from them. Like a previous poster said 2 yrs old is too late to start. If a 6 month old is pulling your hair or scratching your face, you gently remove their hand and say no. If anything my voice lowered if I was serious about something and they only needed a look when out to adjust their behaviour. My last one was very strong willed (still is, he lives with me) he did lose his favourite toy many times as a natural consequence (it got locked in the boot of the car until he won it back😜) there was even one occasion that it went in the bin, he was obsessed by 50p plastic swords but every now and again couldn't resist using it on his older brothers when he was 2-3! I did allow him to buy a new one with the promise that he wouldn't use it on his brothers though eventually😂 I think it is very important for them to know that you are in control when they are little, (show me the boy at 7 and I will show you the man) as it leads to far less to worry about when they are in their teens!
Try not to stress, tomorrow is another day and hopefully you will feel better 💐

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/04/2022 15:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

Twentysplenty · 13/04/2022 15:29

Thanks @Mossstitch I hope I am too. I can’t take another day of being stuck in with them both!

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Original poster

Twentysplenty · 13/04/2022 15:34

@Triffid1

Honestly, if you're not well, I'd cut everyone some slack. Let him watch back go back fireman sam or whatever and just tell him because you're not well, you just need a very quiet day!

Thanks, you’re right. I’ve opted for this. Blaze and the monster machines it is.

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AlphaJura · 13/04/2022 15:37

It didn't work with my ds and I wish I'd never done it tbh. Found out when he was 12, he has Aspergers. He doesn't respond to punishments and rewards in the way that NT kids do. If anything, it triggers him and winds him up to the point he has a meltdown. He would never stay on a 'naughty step'. He'd keep getting off or climb over. We used to have to hold the door shut to give him time out in his room and he just used to go crazy. Reward charts never worked either. He'd just get upset he'd missed one or messed up and give up. Depends on the child. Things like that worked for dd.

Original poster

Twentysplenty · 14/04/2022 21:35

Thanks everyone for all your input. What struck me most was how different peoples views are on discipline. There is no “right” answer.

What I have gained from this is the realisation that my son is a child that does need firm boundaries or he pushes and pushes. Some posters with more than 1 child talked about how what works for one child doesn’t for another.

I tested positive for covid last night which explains why I’ve been so ill. Today he was acting up again and no amount of explaining, understanding how he was feeling etc was preventing him disobeying me (throwing toys after being told not to, climbing over me after being told not to) So I ended up doing that’s 1,2, 3 and on 3 I take a toy off him until the next day. After doing this a few times times he did what I said first time. Amazing. He’s played lovely with his baby brother since and been a dream. He even said he loved him and could he go wake him up so he could play with him. Me and my DH were gobsmacked as he never usually pays him any attention.

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Original poster

Twentysplenty · 14/04/2022 21:36

Oh and whilst he was crying about his toy being taken off him, which I know, isn’t a natural consequence, he asked for a cuddle. I gave him a cuddle and he recovered quickly.

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AlphaJura · 15/04/2022 20:01

@Twentysplenty very true. There's no 'right' answer. Children's personalities vary just as much as adults who discipline them. I think some people think a certain thing 'worked' for them because all their dc had a similar personality! They do go through phases and 'push the boundaries' and that's totally normal. But you have to do what you have to do to get by. I'm glad your ds was a bit more manageable. It's rewarding when they do give you a cuddle and improve their behaviour. My ds is 15, got Aspergers and been challenging from day 1. But when he does achieve something (like playing with dd2, being responsible and doing the right thing) it's not a big achievement, but inside, I'm secretly proud because I'm seeing progress!