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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 8am to 6pm at nursery/school+wraparound is just too much

571 replies

magicsoosh · 13/04/2022 03:57

Apparently Mon-Fri 8am to 6pm childcare is normal.. AIBU to think that's a lot? That's more hours than most full time jobs

OP posts:
Bunny2021 · 13/04/2022 14:12

I will have no other option. My DS isn’t even in nursery yet and I feel so guilty about it but the reality is, we have no choice. We will both have to commute certain days and even then my hours are 9-6. I have worked so hard to get to where I am in my career that I don’t want to give it up - which would be the only other option. I want to have my own money and to have something for me.

I’m in pieces at the idea of him being in nursery for so long so please have some compassion and think about the position it puts other mothers in - there is no place for parent shaming in such a way.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2022 14:14

You have a baby @magicsoosh

Are you planning to go back to work at some point

Parents have to work

They have childcare 8-6 is if job is 9-5 then hour travelling for some

isn’t bad for kids

LoveSpringDaffs · 13/04/2022 14:18

@magicsoosh

I posted at 3am while feeding my baby...
First one by any chance??

Life is imperfect. People do their best. Very few people would have their babies in childcare for those hours unless it was necessary.

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:20

@TheKeatingFive There's nothing wrong with having a career when your children are at an age where being apart from their parents/primary care-giver for 10+ hours a day is not potentially detrimental to their development. In the case of those who can afford not to, it makes sense to ask why bother having children, if you're planning to pass a large part of their care onto someone else?

hangrylady · 13/04/2022 14:22

@FairyCatMother

IMO it is far too much and one of several reasons why DH and I have decided for me to remain a SAHM. Money is tighter now that our household income has halved, but we feel it is so much better for our DS, who is with me doing various activities every day and can still see his grandmother a few times a week too. My own childhood experiences echo those of a previous post, whereby I was looked after by a child-minder virtually full-time until the age of seven, which I really disliked. I'll never forget how sad I used to feel after school, when all of my friends were being collected by their parents/grandparents, most of whom either worked part-time or not at all, and the only person to greet me was a scowling red face who clearly enjoyed childminding more for the income. When my mother eventually decided to pack in her career to raise me full-time, life seemed so much more pleasant and happier, which is exactly what I want for my own DC.
Smug much? How nice that you have the option to stay at home and make those who are unable to feel even shitter. Well done you.
TheKeatingFive · 13/04/2022 14:26

In the case of those who can afford not to, it makes sense to ask why bother having children, if you're planning to pass a large part of their care onto someone else?

Does it? Why? Lots of mothers work full time and still see plenty of their children at this stage in life, while having them well cared for during the working day. The entire family then gets to enjoy the benefits of a mothers career for many years to come.

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:26

@hangrylady There are many who would regard my husband's 'meagre' monthly intake of £1650 as making being a SAHM unaffordable, but we manage. Indeed we have to 'cut our cloth', and can't afford the luxury of Netflix subscriptions, trips out every week and multiple holidays a year. With another DC on the way, finances will remain tight, but this decision suited the life and priorities we chose to make for our family.

TheKeatingFive · 13/04/2022 14:29

Indeed we have to 'cut our cloth', and can't afford the luxury of Netflix subscriptions, trips out every week and multiple holidays a year.

I'd be a lot more concerned with pension provision than the things you mention, but each to his own I guess.

cafedesreves · 13/04/2022 14:31

Life is really hard. I love my job and DS loves his nursery. We barely make ends meet but my job allows us to just about manage. It's all good!

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:32

@TheKeatingFive And what benefits are these? Being deprived of their parents' company for 10+ hours a day, for the sake of being able to afford that all-important TV subscription, and fashionable conformity to the latest societal norm of women being in the work place as much as men, with the added pressure of raising a family and maintaining a household as well?

TheSnowyOwl · 13/04/2022 14:32

7:30-19:30 here but most children are dropped off later and picked up earlier. Childcare has to allow parents enough time to get to where they are going and be there for the duration, before returning for pick up.

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:34

@TheKeatingFive We are fortunate to be in our late 20s, with plenty more years left to save for that!

hangrylady · 13/04/2022 14:35

[quote FairyCatMother]@hangrylady There are many who would regard my husband's 'meagre' monthly intake of £1650 as making being a SAHM unaffordable, but we manage. Indeed we have to 'cut our cloth', and can't afford the luxury of Netflix subscriptions, trips out every week and multiple holidays a year. With another DC on the way, finances will remain tight, but this decision suited the life and priorities we chose to make for our family.[/quote]
The problem with posts like the OPs though is that it hits a nerve with a lot of women. My children are older now and my financial situation is different, but when they were in nursery as babies full time I felt so guilty and a post like this would have tipped me over the edge. Now my kids are older and have come out of full time nursery unscathed, it pisses me off so much that others who are now in the same position I was 10 years ago, are being made to feel crap. There's just no need.

Dickopf · 13/04/2022 14:35

It's far too long, OP. This debate has been going on since I joined MN in about 2004, though, so I dare say not much has been added since then. I didn't send my children to nursery at all because I didn't need to and didn't see any advantages to mass childcare, or to children socialising only with other children of the same age (small children need to interact daily with people of all ages and stages, in real life rather than an artificial setting). But each to their own, and some people have no choice.

sweetbambi · 13/04/2022 14:38

@TheKeatingFive while I do agree with it not always being a choice I have seen plenty of times personally as an au pair where the mother could have worked part time and still been on a more then comfortable salary even just the income of the father alone would have made them more then comfortable. while I know this is not always the case there are cases like this.

the reality was her daughter often got quite upset at missing her parents. once when both were away at London for two weeks it was very bad. I tried to distract her as much as I could by going to the soft play after school, taking her to the cinema etc but there is only so much I was able to do when it was quality time with her parents she wanted. do you think even in this case her mother and father both focusing on their career was what wad best for her.

TheKeatingFive · 13/04/2022 14:39

that all-important TV subscription, and fashionable conformity to the latest societal norm of women being in the work place

Gosh, what a surprise that you resort to 'working mothers are nasty materialist' tropes. I never would have guessed.

Anyway, benefits of me staying in work for my family.

Family security. Two incomes are always more resilient than one. Not only are we less worried about one of us being made redundant, we also both have more flexibility to start our own businesses or change career if we wanted.

Proper pension provision, my children will never have to pick up any tabs here.

Money for private schools, funding of university, savings towards a deposit for a first house, any opportunities they want to avail of as teens.

So many benefits. Whether they are of value or in reach for others, I don't know, I'm speaking from my own POV.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 13/04/2022 14:40

[quote FairyCatMother]@TheKeatingFive And what benefits are these? Being deprived of their parents' company for 10+ hours a day, for the sake of being able to afford that all-important TV subscription, and fashionable conformity to the latest societal norm of women being in the work place as much as men, with the added pressure of raising a family and maintaining a household as well?[/quote]
A home, perhaps? You don't say where you live, or how big your mortgage is, but presumably it isn't very much; surely you know that some people live in more expensive parts of the country and wouldn't be able to afford a house with just your husband's salary?

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:40

@hangrylady Equally I see as many posts on MN slating those who decided to become SAHP. I don't think anyone is disagreeing with situations in which parents have no choice but to place children in childcare for such long hours, but rather those who choose to 'for the sake of their career'.

babyjellyfish · 13/04/2022 14:42

[quote FairyCatMother]@TheKeatingFive And what benefits are these? Being deprived of their parents' company for 10+ hours a day, for the sake of being able to afford that all-important TV subscription, and fashionable conformity to the latest societal norm of women being in the work place as much as men, with the added pressure of raising a family and maintaining a household as well?[/quote]
Netflix costs about a tenner a month, which is not even two hours' work at minimum wage!

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:43

@DietrichandDiMaggio There are many places where my husband's salary would make affording a decent sized home easily affordable. We left London during the lockdown and moved to the Midlands for that reason

babyjellyfish · 13/04/2022 14:45

[quote FairyCatMother]@DietrichandDiMaggio There are many places where my husband's salary would make affording a decent sized home easily affordable. We left London during the lockdown and moved to the Midlands for that reason[/quote]
What made you choose the Midlands?

AchillesPoirot · 13/04/2022 14:47

I’m a single parent and I was from my youngest was a young toddler. If it wasn’t for nursery I couldn’t have gone to work and we would all have lived solely on benefits.

Is that really a better option?

AchillesPoirot · 13/04/2022 14:47

And I couldn’t afford any tv subscription then and my fashion was £6 work trousers from Tesco

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/04/2022 14:48

It does sound like a lot but when a child does it from a young age, they care for their nursery nurses as they would for grandparents/family members or whoever else does it in traditional society. And it’s not like work as such.

FairyCatMother · 13/04/2022 14:49

@babyjellyfish Mainly so we could be closer to my mother who has a degenerative condition, and so we could afford to buy our own home. It sadly meant leaving behind many friends and a wonderful support network, but we soon settled.