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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL asking siblings to contribute to holiday for my MIL

103 replies

L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 22:46

Please tell me if I am BU. I'm feeling quite cross as DH announced that his his DSis asked (demanded) a £100 contribution from each sibling (4 others) for her upcoming holiday with her DM.

The holiday is to Paris, a treat. My SIL suggested it to my MIL and offered to pay for her originally. ILs are retired, quite comfortable with excellent pensions. DH siad DSis is "doing us all a favour" but I said she was being a CF by offering my MIL a holiday abroad then demanding a contribution from the family. DH said MIL had had a tough time recently and I agreed but said it was ridiculous to expect the family to pay for his DSis holiday especially as our income is so stretched.

SIL'S children are adults and don't live at home and she and her husband have excellent jobs and no mortgage for years. All the other siblings have good jobs, spouses who have jobs, and all have their mortgages paid off. Fair play to them all.

DH and I are quite frugal out of grim necessity (think Aldi skincare, soap - no shower gel, forage for wood, batch cook, low heat in house) and can stretch to one holiday a year. Our DS is still a tern and we'll have to put him through college. We recently had a 2 nighter in London and can't afford another holiday this year. I drive a 10 year old car. We have 17 years left on the mortgage. I can only work part time due to an illness.

Is this fair? Why won't my spineless DH tell his DSis to pay for the holiday she offered? Maybe I'm just being a bit mean because that's what he implied? I keep thinking how SIL heads abroad for over a month every summer and we can't even afford 1 week in a shit hotel on the coast...so cross right now!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/04/2022 22:55

Yanbu. Why on earth is she as you for contributions? She must know you’re skint. Can you let her know?

SarahAndQuack · 10/04/2022 22:56

How much would you normally spend on MIL's birthday?

I think an option would be for you DH to reply saying he agrees it's a lovely idea, and you usually budged (eg) £10 on MIL's birthday and so will contribute that.

I've got to ask, though - why does your DH feel differently? You say you're frugal out of 'grim necessity' but you have a holiday every year. You own your home. Unless I misunderstand, you're in much the same situation as a lot of people - not badly off, but not super comfortable either. Is the situation that your DH wants to allocate resources differently from you, or is it that he just hasn't thought about where the money will come from? What would happen if your mum had an important birthday - would he be equally happy for you to forgo a holiday to pay for a treat? I think you need to put it to him like that, maybe.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/04/2022 23:01

If it's a present from all of them, decided by them all, it's a little bit hard to tell from your op, then they all should contribute.

iheartmybeachhut · 10/04/2022 23:01

Op doesn't own their own home, it's on mortgage for the next 17 years, she said money is tight and the holidays are restricted.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 23:07

@Cherrysoup I don't think DH tells her. She always seems to feel badly done to and tries to "even the score". We're probably not "skint" but it's only by bring really careful that we have our holiday and manage as well as we do. In comparison the entire IL family are constantly shopping, travelling, quite new cars, doing expensive outings and frequent takeaways and meals out.

@SarahAndQuack apologies for not being clearer - it's not MILs birthday just a treat! DH contributed £200 to the pot for his DMs birthday 8 months ago. I would say the bank owns our home for another 17 years! I just bristle at his DSIS offering his DM a holiday that then becomes something everyone is asked to pay for, when she can well afford it.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 10/04/2022 23:08

As MIL can obviously afford to pay for herself then it would be a NO from me.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 23:09

@arethereanyleftatall

If it's a present from all of them, decided by them all, it's a little bit hard to tell from your op, then they all should contribute.
It wasn't- it was organised and suggested by my SIL as a treat for her (not even birthday) but now SIL is presenting it like she's owed the money from everyone!
OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 10/04/2022 23:11

OMG he gave £200 towards his mums birthday present !
My DC's are adults and if they spent that on me I would be embarrassed.
Does your DH just like to pretend he's got as much spare cash as his siblings ?

SarahAndQuack · 10/04/2022 23:14

[quote L0stinCyberspace]@Cherrysoup I don't think DH tells her. She always seems to feel badly done to and tries to "even the score". We're probably not "skint" but it's only by bring really careful that we have our holiday and manage as well as we do. In comparison the entire IL family are constantly shopping, travelling, quite new cars, doing expensive outings and frequent takeaways and meals out.

@SarahAndQuack apologies for not being clearer - it's not MILs birthday just a treat! DH contributed £200 to the pot for his DMs birthday 8 months ago. I would say the bank owns our home for another 17 years! I just bristle at his DSIS offering his DM a holiday that then becomes something everyone is asked to pay for, when she can well afford it.[/quote]
Oh, sorry, I just assumed her birthday!

I know what you mean about the bank owning your home - all I meant was, you obviously feel the pinch but perhaps your DH feels differently? You're not badly off; you aren't renting, you're able to do yearly holidays. In a way this makes the sort of dilemma you're dealing with harder than if you were really hard up, because if you were really hard up, it'd be simple to admit 'we just can't possible afford this'. What is annoying for you is that you could afford it ... but should you? And why does your DH think he ought do prioritise this?

I really think you need to put it to him that, when he just says 'yes, of course' to his sister, it is not really just his decision. The whole family needs to be on board.

MichelleScarn · 10/04/2022 23:14

Is sil going on holiday too? Is this funding her? Would your dh be happy to fund a holiday for you and your mum?

whynotwhatknot · 10/04/2022 23:23

hes already given 200 this year for her birthday so why do they need more now

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 23:24

@MichelleScarn

Is sil going on holiday too? Is this funding her? Would your dh be happy to fund a holiday for you and your mum?
Oh yes SIL is going! Certainly this funds her as she offered to pay - before she asked for contributions.

DH probably would give me the money if I asked him if I took my DM on hols but he tends to look distraught at bills and outlay, and he'd be likely to ask me why I hadn't saved up the money myself.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 10/04/2022 23:27

Yep, cheeky.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 23:28

@Redshoeblueshoe

OMG he gave £200 towards his mums birthday present ! My DC's are adults and if they spent that on me I would be embarrassed. Does your DH just like to pretend he's got as much spare cash as his siblings ?
Perhaps you're on to something there; maybe DH doesn't want them to know, or stand up to them. We had arguments like this a few years ago when we were on one income and the same stuff was happening. I'd actually forgotten about that, until now.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/04/2022 23:32

It isn't really a huge contribution she is asking for. But if you can't afford it then just say no.

Kite22 · 10/04/2022 23:35

I'm getting deja vu tonight - did you ask this recently ?

Anyway, whether that was you or someone else, my answer remains the same.
If anyone wants to spend someone else's money on anything, they need to agree it with all parties before booking it / buying it / paying deposits for it. This is irrespective of the amount.

In this case, it would be a straight 'no' from me, if I were your dh.
If your SiL wants to go on holiday with her Mum, that is between them. As you say, it isn't even for a special reason. Even if it were a special reason, then SiL needed to have gauged everyone's feelings about it before arranging anything.

SarahAndQuack · 10/04/2022 23:36

@Viviennemary

It isn't really a huge contribution she is asking for. But if you can't afford it then just say no.
It ... really is! It's a hundred pounds.
Feckaffoutofit · 10/04/2022 23:36

Ynbu, I would just say you did not realise you were expected to pay for your MIL and SIL to go on holiday and you can't afford it.

Yabu to call your DH 'my spineless DH'.

Oddbobbyboo · 10/04/2022 23:38

I think your husband is saving face and doesn’t want his siblings to know his private life. I have very boastful siblings…. They are all homeowners, married and careers. However, I had my 4 children when I was younger and then had a difficult divorce, I retrained and was fortunate to get social housing but I never let anyone know that I’m struggling. Every part of my income is a methodical maze to ensure the bills are paid, the cupboards are full and we remain debt free. I could get loads on credit - like them…. But I don’t want to. But I am very private regarding my financial affairs.

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/04/2022 23:39

Viviennemary it is a huge contribution - because it's not a birthday present - it's just a treat.
I have a very close relative who is turning 18 this year and it wouldn't enter my head to spend £200 on their present

AhNowTed · 10/04/2022 23:39

The short version (seen this before)

SIL wants to "treat" MIL but actually doesn't want to pay for it.

Your contribution will be lost in the ether, and SIL will get all the glory.

converseandjeans · 10/04/2022 23:40

viviennemary

It isn't really a huge contribution she is asking for. But if you can't afford it then just say no.

I disagree - it's a lot of money for some people. It's also not a birthday gift & they already gave £200 for that.

We usually spend around £40-50 for a birthday gift. Whatever did MIL get that cost almost £1000?!

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/04/2022 23:44

Oddbobbyboo years ago I was having a meal with my siblings, and they were all boasting about what they would get if they sold their houses,
I said if I sold mine (council) I'd probably get 5 years Grin

Sswhinesthebest · 10/04/2022 23:48

£200 is a huge amount to spend on a normal birthday. So is £100.

Even if dh is embarrassed, you need to say no.

Neverreturntoathread · 10/04/2022 23:51

Yanbu 🤣🤣 what a CF SIL! She wants to look generous but not actually be generous.

Tell her (directly if you can as DH will be crap at it) “Hi. It’s lovely that you offered to take MIL away. There seems to have been a miscommunication though, as we didn’t realise we’d be asked to contribute. Unfortunately our budget can’t stretch to that at the moment, we’ll be lucky to manage a short UK break for ourselves! So we’ll do something separately with MIL and not join in with what you are organising. Best wishes. Xx”