SIL asking siblings to contribute to holiday for my MIL

[L0stinCyberspace]

Please tell me if I am BU. I'm feeling quite cross as DH announced that his his DSis asked (demanded) a £100 contribution from each sibling (4 others) for her upcoming holiday with her DM.

The holiday is to Paris, a treat. My SIL suggested it to my MIL and offered to pay for her originally. ILs are retired, quite comfortable with excellent pensions. DH siad DSis is "doing us all a favour" but I said she was being a CF by offering my MIL a holiday abroad then demanding a contribution from the family. DH said MIL had had a tough time recently and I agreed but said it was ridiculous to expect the family to pay for his DSis holiday especially as our income is so stretched.

SIL'S children are adults and don't live at home and she and her husband have excellent jobs and no mortgage for years. All the other siblings have good jobs, spouses who have jobs, and all have their mortgages paid off. Fair play to them all.

DH and I are quite frugal out of grim necessity (think Aldi skincare, soap - no shower gel, forage for wood, batch cook, low heat in house) and can stretch to one holiday a year. Our DS is still a tern and we'll have to put him through college. We recently had a 2 nighter in London and can't afford another holiday this year. I drive a 10 year old car. We have 17 years left on the mortgage. I can only work part time due to an illness.

Is this fair? Why won't my spineless DH tell his DSis to pay for the holiday she offered? Maybe I'm just being a bit mean because that's what he implied? I keep thinking how SIL heads abroad for over a month every summer and we can't even afford 1 week in a shit hotel on the coast...so cross right now!

Yeah the present isn't really what you should be concerned about, the big issue is that you're scrimping and budgeting while your husband is spending 'his money' on whatever he likes...

How much of his income goes on family expenses?

Do you know how much he has in savings?

You don't have a SIL problem, you have a H problem.

Why won't my spineless DH tell his DSis to pay for the holiday she offered? Maybe I'm just being a bit mean because that's what he implied?

How did he imply this? Where did he suggest the money comes from, by the way?

@Viviennemary

It isn't really a huge contribution she is asking for. But if you can't afford it then just say no.

Peak mumsnet.

£100 is a hell of a lot for most people outside your bubble, I think you'll find.

DH and i don’t pool finances but the way items were paid for meant a comparable amount left for both of us. If your DH is on twice as much as you I doubt very much it’s comparable.

Who pays for family holidays OP?

In an ideal world this would prompt an open conversation about combined finances, budgeting etc. it sounds like he’s already been cagey so this is unlikely, sadly. He could have secret savings or secret debts for all you know. It certainly sounds like you have an unfair burden of worry about paying family costs.

PP have made some very sensible and tactful ways of explaining to SIL that you can’t afford it as a family. If he insists on paying for this however, i would make it clear that this money comes entirely from his own budget/savings and has no impact on your combined family finances whatsoever. I would also consider setting up some kind of savings account for yourself and expect him to pay more of the day to day family spends going forward, especially as there is a slow creep towards everything getting more expensive, especially as kids get bigger and their clothes/food bills increase. And so you have an emergency fund should anything go wrong. Good luck OP.

You need to explain that by spending £200 here and £100 there on his mother, it's taking X and Y away from his child(ren).
So it stops.

If his siblings approach him or you for money, simply reply with "Sorry guys, we can't afford it this time. You'll have to continue with the arrangements without our contribution".

You budget accordingly, so that any 'excess' funds can be used to knock repayments off your mortgage. That should be your goal. Not sexy. Not immediately revenue making but it will help more than what he is doing.

So if she's asked for £100 from each sibling that £400, how much is she planning on contributed on the trip which is HER treat?

I think it sounds like you have a DH problem rather than a SIL problem.
The bigger issue here is that you get no say in how your joint income is spent because he refuses to pool it. The secondary issue is that he is deciding to give the money to SIL even though you disagree.

So your sis in law is going away with mil. Nobody else going but she wants you all to pay? No way if you've already bought something. We're okay financially and the max I spend on parents and close family at Christmas etc. is £50. If I feel they're in need of more I'll send some over intermittently or pay for things if I have the money. I suppose I just don't understand or get it. My parents have always been poor and if I received £30 for a birthday I would just feel terribly guilty and try to return it later as I know they can't afford it.

You don't have a SIL problem, you have a H problem.

Hate it when people trot this shit out. OP may have a husband problem but that doesn’t take away the fact that her SIL is a massive CF!

What on earth did they get her if they all put £200 in?

Was it a special birthday?

DH and I are quite frugal out of grim necessity (think Aldi skincare, soap - no shower gel, forage for wood, batch cook, low heat in house) and can stretch to one holiday a year. Our DS is still a tern and we'll have to put him through college. We recently had a 2 nighter in London and can't afford another holiday this year. I drive a 10 year old car. We have 17 years left on the mortgage. I can only work part time due to an illness.

You don't buy shower gel??? Sainsburys do one for 30p

But you do have a holiday each year?

@AhNowTed

The short version (seen this before)

SIL wants to "treat" MIL but actually doesn't want to pay for it.

Your contribution will be lost in the ether, and SIL will get all the glory.

This 100%

I'd say to H that if he can afford to pay for MILs and SILs holidays he can afford a few more of the family expenses and stop paying the ones that impact him

This

I'd say no abs next time she needs to ask first, your children, bills and mortgage
Come first

I.would be sending sil a text telling her money is extremely tight and she has caused a huge argument between yourself and dh as you cant afford it but feels he must pay.

So... after all household bills are paid, you are both left with similar 'spending money' right..? And he chooses to give his mother gifts of money from his share, yes? If this isn't the case, you are being financially abused.

@30mph

So... after all household bills are paid, you are both left with similar 'spending money' right..? And he chooses to give his mother gifts of money from his share, yes? If this isn't the case, you are being financially abused.

This with bells on.

How couples choose to manage their money is up to them so long as it's fair!

YANBU

I've been in similar situations and I must say I had to say something to dh.

A few years ago bil died and a couple his other siblings were all ready to make everyone else contribute a few hundred pounds to help with funeral costs. I had to remind dh that bil had life insurance and there was a few other financial options his dd could get to pay for the funeral so why should we. Yeah I felt like a bit h but we aren't exactly rolling in it!

And more recently, sil has become very disabled and again one sibling decided that we should all club together to treat her to a holiday before she can't do it anymore. This particular sil (disabled) until very recently had multiple holidays abroad every year - long and short haul and her adult dc are very well off. Funny that no one stepped in when my dh became disabled or offered to pay for us to go on holiday and until 2020 we hadn't been away since 2006 apart from a week in a caravan a couple of times.

Sorry but I'm not paying for someone else to have a holiday when my dc get to stay at home.

He needs to send a message to his sister saying:

Dear sister I’d love to be in a position to give you £100 but we have to watch every penny and can’t afford it. We’ve cut all the costs we can and don’t buy shower gel and forage for wood. I’m sorry we cannot do this. Thanks for your understanding, H

If he’s too proud to send it, then he needs to pay up.

@jytdtysrht the issue is that the H does want to pay it, which leads one to think that the wood foraging and Aldi toiletries may not be required if the joint funds were actually pooled in OPs household.

In my daily one of the siblings would either tell SIL to stop being ridiculous or tell DM what a difficult position they'd been put in. And that would be the end of that.

Why does no one talk to each other?

If this is something DH wants to do that's a different issue, but my parents would appalled at the idea of their adult, comfortably off children spending so much on them.