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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL asking siblings to contribute to holiday for my MIL

103 replies

L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 22:46

Please tell me if I am BU. I'm feeling quite cross as DH announced that his his DSis asked (demanded) a £100 contribution from each sibling (4 others) for her upcoming holiday with her DM.

The holiday is to Paris, a treat. My SIL suggested it to my MIL and offered to pay for her originally. ILs are retired, quite comfortable with excellent pensions. DH siad DSis is "doing us all a favour" but I said she was being a CF by offering my MIL a holiday abroad then demanding a contribution from the family. DH said MIL had had a tough time recently and I agreed but said it was ridiculous to expect the family to pay for his DSis holiday especially as our income is so stretched.

SIL'S children are adults and don't live at home and she and her husband have excellent jobs and no mortgage for years. All the other siblings have good jobs, spouses who have jobs, and all have their mortgages paid off. Fair play to them all.

DH and I are quite frugal out of grim necessity (think Aldi skincare, soap - no shower gel, forage for wood, batch cook, low heat in house) and can stretch to one holiday a year. Our DS is still a tern and we'll have to put him through college. We recently had a 2 nighter in London and can't afford another holiday this year. I drive a 10 year old car. We have 17 years left on the mortgage. I can only work part time due to an illness.

Is this fair? Why won't my spineless DH tell his DSis to pay for the holiday she offered? Maybe I'm just being a bit mean because that's what he implied? I keep thinking how SIL heads abroad for over a month every summer and we can't even afford 1 week in a shit hotel on the coast...so cross right now!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 11/04/2022 01:52

he earns more than twice what I do but despite arguments he refuses to pool our respective salaries. I pay for a lot of the groceries (althoughI got wise to this and I'm packing him off to do the shopping more often recently), my car, DS's summer camps and music lessons, my clothes, save for really big house maintenance purchases (50s house). He pays for the mortgage, his car, his clothes, occasional sportswear purchases for DS.

I suspect you’re not as badly off as he leads you to believe…

AnnesBrokenSlate · 11/04/2022 02:06

If it's coming from his money, I don't understand why you care. I also think it's likely he knew the siblings were going to pay and just didn't tell you because he knew you'd be unhappy.
You're angry at your SIL when you're actually angry at your DP. This isn't a SIL problem. It isn't a MIL problem. It's a DP problem.
And yy the information about cars and holidays was tone deaf and irrelevant. It doesn't tell us anything except how you prioritise your spending as a family - and lots of people would think treating a MIL who'd had a hard time was more important than a weekend in London.

expat101 · 11/04/2022 02:14

I think you have a couple of issues going on OP that needs sorting out, but why is DH asking you in regard to the money if he keeps his separate to yours?

Really he could very well slip the SIL ''his'' share and you would be none the wiser unless it was mentioned down the track.

As far as the other matters go, do you know exactly how much he earns? Do you get to see any pay slips or the like? Does he receive any cash renumerations such as tea money or the like?

Some years ago I clearly remember the union delegate voting to stop the employer of where I worked from transitioning to having tea money deposited into an employee bank account simply because many of the wives did not know this money existed at all, and he used his to wine and dine the OW. Anyhow that is side tracking from your problem.

Frankly based on that MIL has already had her birthday in the last 12 months, the answer from me would be no. Let her daughter treat her.

flyingdream · 11/04/2022 02:18

If it's going to cause arguments between you and your husband then just give it and after she's been given her treat...tell her I hope you like it...it was from all of us..we all chipped in...

Make sure you tell your husband you're happy to spend on MIL but at the right time with a lot of prep from beforehand...not like this when it's a shock to the system and you haven't budgeted...

Next time SIL goes on holiday mention it to him...how you've not been in ages...

flyingdream · 11/04/2022 02:20

Why isn't she paying for it anymore? was it her plan all along?

TigerLilyTail · 11/04/2022 02:30

This is bonkers!

I suggest that you text his siblings that DH has been feeling stressed recently, so you are taking him out to dinner to cheer him up and can they both send you 50 quid to cover their share. Then, send back the 100 pounds to cover your share of the holiday.

Ivyonafence · 11/04/2022 02:56

He earns twice what you do, why are you funding so many joint expenses?

How much are your mortgage payments relative to his income? The mortgage is his only real responsibility and I note it is a consistent and predictable expense while you have the pressure of funding funds for expenses that vary and can come up suddenly.

What a nice life your husband has created for himself.

You have a DH problem.

I suspect your family isn't as strapped for cash as he says.

Do you have oversight of his income and the mortgage? Or are you in the dark about these things?

You're angry at SIL because it's easier to be angry at someone less close to you, who you don't live with, over this one small thing rather than address who you should rightfully be angry at. DH.

Winkydink · 11/04/2022 02:57

Your DH has already made a £200 contribution to birthday present?! we are one of your aforementioned mumsnet families with Dior skincare, private schooled dc, multiple overseas holidays and a new luxury car on the driveway…and total budget per family member bday present (MIL, SIL etc) is £50. Nephews and nieces £25. Our own DC maybe £100 or so.

YANBU by the way.

Quincythequince · 11/04/2022 06:21

Say no OP.
Just don’t pay.
If she was expecting you all to pay for a holiday for MIL, she should have asked first.

Just say, we have no spare money - we never have agreed to this.

autienotnaughty · 11/04/2022 06:48

It's tricky if you share finances then it needs to be a joint decision, if they are separate then it's upto him? Think you need a finances discussion tho. My dh works ft i work pt. We do a spreadsheet so all finances are listed we work out who pays what in then we make sure we have same left over at end. It's not fair if he has more spare money than you.

Northernsoullover · 11/04/2022 06:56

Are you genuinely strapped for cash or is the budgeting because your salary is really low? Don't tell me you split bills 50/50 ?

Georgeskitchen · 11/04/2022 07:15

A big fat no. What a cheeky bstRd
100 quid is a months food money to some people!!

SniffMyQuiffyHair · 11/04/2022 07:19

Sounds like he's going to doing it anyway. You need to sit down and have a serious talk about how you split your finances, it all sounds rather odd
I'd be really disappointed and sad if my DH didn't listen to my concerns

NameGoesHere · 11/04/2022 07:20

I think your dh is taking the mickey about the finances in your relationship.

SummerWhisper · 11/04/2022 07:26

If it's a done deal, just give the money straight to MIL and tell her to enjoy her holiday. Your DH needs to scrimp on his spends a lot more as a result of this and the rest of you should not be affected. He has a lot of making up to do.

Brefugee · 11/04/2022 07:29

Just say no. Keep saying no. If your DH has other ideas ask him how you are going to afford food/heat/petrol.

00100001 · 11/04/2022 07:30

@Viviennemary

It isn't really a huge contribution she is asking for. But if you can't afford it then just say no.
Feel free to send OP £100 then, as it's such a trifling amount.
Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 07:31

@Viviennemary

It isn't really a huge contribution she is asking for. But if you can't afford it then just say no.
How much do you spend on your mother?
Dairymilk50 · 11/04/2022 07:35

@flyingdream

Why isn't she paying for it anymore? was it her plan all along?
Absolutely this has gone a miss in the thread.

The sister in law is comfortable too it's her idea let her fund it. What does your DH think OP? He could say sorry we have already planned and budgeted mum's gift.

rookiemere · 11/04/2022 07:35

The real issue here is that your joint money isn't being pooled.

I'd say to H that if he can afford to pay for MILs and SILs holidays he can afford a few more of the family expenses and stop paying the ones that impact him.

Flickflak · 11/04/2022 07:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hercisback · 11/04/2022 07:42

Your DHs attitude towards money is the problem. I bet he's got money stashed away while you're struggling to pay the bills. Wanker.

PinkSyCo · 11/04/2022 07:43

Haha wouldn’t we all love to take our mums on holiday if other people were paying a good chunk for it?!! I almost admire the brass neck of your CF SIL! Not enough to stump up the cash mind you, especially after already forking out £200 for her birthday! Just say no OP or before you know it you’ll be stumping up for their holidays every year!

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 11/04/2022 07:44

DH is your real issue. On the money side, if your DH is happy to contribute, then I would get him to give it directly to his mum to "treat herself" on holiday.

Pansypotter123 · 11/04/2022 07:47

After your husband has paid the mortgage how much does he have left over? Are both of you named on the mortgage? Did you both pay towards the deposit? Does he juggle finances each month or is that solely down to you because of what you have to pay out for out of your income?

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