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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL asking siblings to contribute to holiday for my MIL

103 replies

L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 22:46

Please tell me if I am BU. I'm feeling quite cross as DH announced that his his DSis asked (demanded) a £100 contribution from each sibling (4 others) for her upcoming holiday with her DM.

The holiday is to Paris, a treat. My SIL suggested it to my MIL and offered to pay for her originally. ILs are retired, quite comfortable with excellent pensions. DH siad DSis is "doing us all a favour" but I said she was being a CF by offering my MIL a holiday abroad then demanding a contribution from the family. DH said MIL had had a tough time recently and I agreed but said it was ridiculous to expect the family to pay for his DSis holiday especially as our income is so stretched.

SIL'S children are adults and don't live at home and she and her husband have excellent jobs and no mortgage for years. All the other siblings have good jobs, spouses who have jobs, and all have their mortgages paid off. Fair play to them all.

DH and I are quite frugal out of grim necessity (think Aldi skincare, soap - no shower gel, forage for wood, batch cook, low heat in house) and can stretch to one holiday a year. Our DS is still a tern and we'll have to put him through college. We recently had a 2 nighter in London and can't afford another holiday this year. I drive a 10 year old car. We have 17 years left on the mortgage. I can only work part time due to an illness.

Is this fair? Why won't my spineless DH tell his DSis to pay for the holiday she offered? Maybe I'm just being a bit mean because that's what he implied? I keep thinking how SIL heads abroad for over a month every summer and we can't even afford 1 week in a shit hotel on the coast...so cross right now!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 10/04/2022 23:53

I didnt see they had already given £200 for a birthday. So thats quite enough.

SucculentChalice · 10/04/2022 23:53

This reminds me of when ex MIL demanded that we all sponsor her to the tune of £200 for a sponsored walk of the Great Wall of China. She was, and still is, a wealth retiree. It was one of those charities which you basically pay ie fund raise enough to let you go on one of their trips.

She also started demanding larger and more luxurious Christmas presents, much more expensive than I was getting from her DS.

It all caused quite a lot of resentment and argument. I thought her behaviour was appalling.

greenlynx · 11/04/2022 00:05

If SIL wants to treat her mum she can do what she wants, she doesn’t get money for this from other people. Tell her that you will treat MiL separately.

viques · 11/04/2022 00:13

Take Mil to a nail bar for a quick chic manicure before the holiday, or buy her a pretty scarf to take and wear, she will probably much rather have something tangible.

Flickflak · 11/04/2022 00:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 00:38

@Kite22

I'm getting deja vu tonight - did you ask this recently ?

Anyway, whether that was you or someone else, my answer remains the same.
If anyone wants to spend someone else's money on anything, they need to agree it with all parties before booking it / buying it / paying deposits for it. This is irrespective of the amount.

In this case, it would be a straight 'no' from me, if I were your dh.
If your SiL wants to go on holiday with her Mum, that is between them. As you say, it isn't even for a special reason. Even if it were a special reason, then SiL needed to have gauged everyone's feelings about it before arranging anything.

Nope, not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 00:40

@AhNowTed

The short version (seen this before)

SIL wants to "treat" MIL but actually doesn't want to pay for it.

Your contribution will be lost in the ether, and SIL will get all the glory.

@AhNowTed Someone else must have has a similar problem as it was something I only found out today.

OP posts:

NellesVilla · 11/04/2022 00:41

Yanbu for not wanting to contribute but yabu for mentioning car and mortgage- some of us have a 20 year car and can’t afford a mortgage, OP!

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 00:48

@NellesVilla

Yanbu for not wanting to contribute but yabu for mentioning car and mortgage- some of us have a 20 year car and can’t afford a mortgage, OP!

Not allowed mention my car and mortgage?

I mentioned them because they are relevant to the issue as we don't have much disposable income. I'm sorry others are worse off and I know it must grate if you're comparing your situation but I think that is a bit much to suggest that just because your finances are more straightened, I shouldn't have mentioned mine! There are MN's who own investment properties, public school their kids, buy M&S food and Dior skincare, but still have problems.

OP posts:

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 00:50

@Oddbobbyboo

I think your husband is saving face and doesn’t want his siblings to know his private life. I have very boastful siblings…. They are all homeowners, married and careers. However, I had my 4 children when I was younger and then had a difficult divorce, I retrained and was fortunate to get social housing but I never let anyone know that I’m struggling. Every part of my income is a methodical maze to ensure the bills are paid, the cupboards are full and we remain debt free. I could get loads on credit - like them…. But I don’t want to. But I am very private regarding my financial affairs.

You're probably correct that he's saving face - it just feels hard to swallow when we have to watch every penny.

OP posts:

Fadeout83 · 11/04/2022 00:53

Just put your foot down and say no. What an absurd suggestion to have others contribute to her holiday with her mum. Cheeky bugger.

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 00:56

@Fadeout83

Just put your foot down and say no. What an absurd suggestion to have others contribute to her holiday with her mum. Cheeky bugger.

I don't have the power to say no. DH doesn't allow me have a say over what he spends his money on TBH.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 11/04/2022 00:58

now SIL is presenting it like she's owed the money from everyone!

Well this needs to be challenged. She pays ALL herself, or MIL knows everyone is paying.

Teenagehorrorbag · 11/04/2022 01:01

What planet are you all on? I've never understood people who spend huge amounts on adults' presents, whether birthdays or Christmas. Maybe a bit for a milestone event - but really it seems crazy to me! We buy for nieces and nephews when young, but I have never understood this thing where people spend huge sums randomly on other grown ups. I mean - why?

But from what you have said - utterly no way would I then also add a contribution I couldn't afford to something I hadn't planned! Tell Dsis she's doing a very kind thing but you won't be part of it!

Fadeout83 · 11/04/2022 01:07

@L0stinCyberspace his money?!?

Ivyonafence · 11/04/2022 01:07

How do you arrange your finances in your marriage OP?

Is all the money 'his'? Or do you each have your own? Is it equal?

When you say it's 'his' money, is it coming from money he would usually spend on treats for himself?- in which case I can see why you're annoyed but it's his decision.

Or is it family money that he controls?

Midlifemusings · 11/04/2022 01:14

We try to occasionally treat our parents to something a little special and always email all the siblings. I think it would be really weird to contact everyone except one sibling and in my family's case - that sibling would be upset to be excluded. It would also feel strenge to give them a gift from Siblings 1, 2 and 3 with no mention of 4.

We don't specify an amount - just say we are going to buy parents x for Christmas, birthday, significant anniversary - if anyone wants to chip in, these are the details. Other siblings initiate similar.

I can't imagine not including our 'poorest' sibling in the email chains. That would just feel wrong. I have no idea if their wives hate that we do joint gifts together and email about my parents but it is what we do.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 11/04/2022 01:18

It's not even the amount, to me: it's the principle of the thing. I had a SIL who would do this sort of thing, so it gets my goat. Just tell SIL she was supposed to pay for it & if she wanted everyone to pay she should've asked you all first.

LoisLane66 · 11/04/2022 01:19

She has a cheek to organise it without asking your view on a contribution. In other words, a fait accompli. Organised then hands the cap round. It'd be a NO from me.

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 01:21

@Ivyonafence

How do you arrange your finances in your marriage OP?

Is all the money 'his'? Or do you each have your own? Is it equal?

When you say it's 'his' money, is it coming from money he would usually spend on treats for himself?- in which case I can see why you're annoyed but it's his decision.

Or is it family money that he controls?

@Fadeout83 and @Ivyonafence he earns more than twice what I do but despite arguments he refuses to pool our respective salaries. I pay for a lot of the groceries (althoughI got wise to this and I'm packing him off to do the shopping more often recently), my car, DS's summer camps and music lessons, my clothes, save for really big house maintenance purchases (50s house). He pays for the mortgage, his car, his clothes, occasional sportswear purchases for DS.

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 11/04/2022 01:25

"I don't have the power to say no. DH doesn't allow me have a say over what he spends his money on TBH."

Your last comment is quite worrying OP. "His money"?

Anyway, if SIL wants to "treat" her mum, fine, but I would decline unless I was positive there was recognition of everyone's contribution.

yoyo1234 · 11/04/2022 01:25

Sounds like you cannot easily afford it and should not be roped into it as not asked before hand (and that it is a "pride" thing for your husband to keep up with his siblings. I think 200 for a gift for a comfortable adult is ridiculous with family out goings.

1forAll74 · 11/04/2022 01:25

Buy a second hand dinghy, and send them all off over the channel to France, with a few sandwiches and a flask of tea.

AhNowTed · 11/04/2022 01:28

OP you have much bigger problems than this.

Original poster

L0stinCyberspace · 11/04/2022 01:35

@1forAll74

Buy a second hand dinghy, and send them all off over the channel to France, with a few sandwiches and a flask of tea.

Don't tempt me

Actually I am really fond of my MIL. SIL a lot less so.

OP posts:

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