To think university halls may be hell for me?

[Rompastom]

I am an 18 year old girl who has applied to go to university in September. My mum browses this forum and has advised me that there are lots of parents on here with kids my age that could offer some advise based on their experiences.

So I have applied to do English lit, my passion since being a child, at Manchester, MMU, Sheffield, Leeds, and Liverpool. I live in Manchester so opted for some ‘safe’ options to have the option to commute from home and be close to my family. You may have noticed I picked all northern cities too, just really close to my family and want to be somewhere cheap since I’m used to having a decent standard of living I also wanted the option of a studio flat and the rent is pretty cheap in all these cities. I wanted a big city since I’m used to living somewhere with loads to do, but I love Sheffield and the rural dynamic of it with the Peak District.

So my issue is this…. I have been really shy all my life until recently. I was bullied all through high school and pretty much had no genuine good best friends after primary school. I actually got anorexia during GCSEs due to the immense stress despite me getting amazing results. I think I poured all my stress into studying and having no social life helped. I had to go to outpatient treatment for 6 months and could have died due to my bad health. Thankfully fully recovered now 3 years on. The experience kind of made me start to not give a fuck, and I began to gain a lot of confidence. I still had bad mental health along with coronavirus so haven’t made any good friends at college and just have kept to myself.

I really am starting to feel like I haven’t ‘lived yet’ and am watching my youth pass me by and am wasting my life. I have never drank, partly due to my family being Muslim before they became atheists, and they barely ever drink. I also have never had a boyfriend, never gone clubbing. I want to do all that but being so out of it I feel like i’m scared of new experiences. I’m scared it’s a luck draw with flatmates and there is a high chance we won’t click and will argue. I’m scared of small things like them bringing rowdy mates in the kitchen and making me not want to go in, or taking the piss out of my cooking and complaining about the smell (I am south Asian and love to cook family curry recipes)…. Just ganging up on me I guess. My dad has said he had shitty experiences at Uni but also found some amazing friends and met my mum there, but he told me I will have to put up with a lot and learn to tolerate people and deal with situations.

Having been sober all my life I’m scared of the uk Uni drinking culture, I feel like I may be pressured to try to act cool, knowing my personality and how I’m currently desperate to make friends and ‘fit in’, whereas I don’t want to go crazy on the drinking, and am way more into sports and hobbies as an amateur boxer and powerlifter. I guess I want a happy medium, watch a movie, not go out clubbing every night, but still have fun. My dad told me it can get really noisy and I’m already a really light sleeper, need a fan for white noise every night…. Now I’m considering would flatmates be able to hear it and complain……

My parents have told me they would pay for me to have my own studio flat so I could socialise on my terms and not take a chance with the flatmates, but I feel like that could be isolating and lead me to make no friends. I feel like I could easily get a studio for the second and third years (or if I go to manchester live at home)…. And the first year should be a real student experience. I should be able to put up with not ideal flatmates for a year… but at the same time I’m not so sure.

Do most students make friends with their flatmates? I have always imagined it is them that you go out with during freshers week…. I also have a small feeling I would be lonely in a studio flat, I love having my family around to chat to and just having people there, and i imagine good friends could replace family in that way.

Another aspect is that my family is particularly close knit due to my younger sister having a severe disability and being nonverbal. It makes living at home really hard and stressful sometimes but it has also meant my mum and dad and me have been driven close together to cope. Living away would be freeing in a way for me from that. I can’t imagine doing Uni work due to the noise disruption she unfortunately causes due to her disability.

So would you suggest I pick Leeds, Sheffield or Liverpool to totally get away from my city and have a ‘fresh start’ and make do with any flatmates I get, move to them and get a studio flag to have my own space and not have kitchen/flat space worries…. Choose Manchester and live at halls to have the option to change to stay at home if I really can’t gel with the people in my flat, choose Manchester and live at home first year to get to know people and then maybe live with them later if I make good friends…..

Have any of your kids also had similar worries and how have they gotten on with the people in their flat?

I can't really speak to your specific concerns, but university is very different to school. Just so many more people from all backgrounds. You're very likely to find your people. You're also quite likely not to find them straight away. Don't let that put you off though.

You sound similar to how I was at your age and I found halls were the making of me . I was at Aberystwyth and we all filled in questionnaires so they grouped hall mates together by similar interests and personalities. I made really good friends and had my first taste of independence. I would have found a studio flat too isolated and staying at home would make it difficult to focus on work . Good luck with whatever you choose x

Suggest go & visit some of the unis & towns if you can afford to before applying & find one that you like

You are over thinking everything

You just need to go & experience everything !

I went to uni in 2013 and drinking and clubbing was definitely a huge part of living in halls. In your situation I'd live in a studio flat and make friends at sports clubs instead

Hello,

I think it's normal to have all these feelings when you go to uni! I went ten years ago (that makes me feel old) and loved (almost) every single second. And I barely drink, didn't always go out with my flat mates ect. But you make friends for life, we had a flat of 5 and two other flats either side and the 15 of us were like one big (and strange) family.

I went to uni in Liverpool and I'm still here now. I know they have some very very nice student accommodation and some of which have studio flats but in student accommodation, so maybe they have communal areas. I would personally stay in a flat though for at least the first year, you would have the chance to make friends and meet people and then if you decided it wasn't for you, you could either share a flat with one friend for your second and third year, or get a studio flat by yourself.

Also, if you went to Liverpool or Leeds you are only a 40 ish minute train from Manchester, so if you hated it that much you could go for long weekends at home each week.

If you have any questions about Liverpool feel free to ask xx

My niece is at Uni. She decided against halls but is in student accommodation. There's 4 in her flat but she doesn't socialise a lot with them. She made various friends in Freshers week & socialises with them.

The block shes in has a communal area & there's usually someone around. They also have a block What's App group & if someone fancies doing something they post on WA to see if someone wants to join them.

She went to a Uni 4 hours from home & knew noone but is loving it and has a fantastic social life.

That kind of set up might suit better than halls but daunting though sharing is it's probably the best way to find your feet & meet people

I would suggest a Uni with lots of activity clubs, that way you meet like minded people. Also one with good pastoral care - should you need it.
Your Dads experience won’t necessarily by yours.
I understand your point about the accommodation but maybe take a leap of faith. Also find out how easy it is to swap/move should you not like the halls you are allocated.
Maybe a campus university with a community fell will suit you better?
Remember most other new arrivals will be nervous too and keen to make friends

Look at private halls where you have your own studio but have easy access to a common room and social events. Best of both worlds!

I was vvv shy and lived in halls. I met completely different people - privately educated, international students, party people, devout Christians, all different political beliefs and with very different personalities. It made me much more confident in dealing with people and opened my mind to different ways of living. I'm still friends with many 25 years later. Living alone would have been so isolating. It's natural to be nervous of the unfamiliar but it can benefit you in so many ways.

And if you hate it - move home, but at least you tried it.

I was painfully shy when I went to uni, and had been bullied at school. I LOVED my experience in halls. I never found it too noisy. I wasn’t in a heavy drinking crowd. My friendship group was pretty geeky. Everyone is in the same boat - everyone is new and nervous. Sign up to some clubs and societies that you’re interested in and the friendship will quickly follow.

My son was 1st year this year. He got on well with flatmates and.did freshers events with them. Most unis if you book through them will put you in either a mixed or single sex flat with other freshers. He does drink but one of his flatmates didn't as he is Muslim. Its not been an issue . I think most young people are quite accepting. That some don't drink. He's found being within an hour if home.the best of both worlds. His dad's been unwell and as a result we too are a very close. He has been able.to pop home for a day or more easily but still be a student. Seems to have worked for him . Re the curry I think your main issue will be stopping them wanting to eat it

Could you try halls for one term and if it really doesn't work then move into a studio or back home (if still in Manchester?)

Personally though, I think you should try another city, away from home. If you really, really hated it after a month or so then could you possibly transfer back to Manchester or leave and start again the following year in Manchester? If you never try anywhere else then you might kick yourself in a few years. I do also think that the people you hang out with initially are those that you live with so I definitely wouldn't go straight into a studio flat.

I went to Sheffield and loved it but it is hit and miss who you end up sharing with. Hopefully you should find people on your course that you have more things in common with.

The drinkers and clubbers are less than 50% of the population - they're just louder, so seem to be the majority. When you apply for your accommodation, they ask you about your preferences etc. (Youngest was at Sheffield recently - it is lovely!). Go for it. Few people at your age will feel that they know what they're doing - they're just blagging it. Give normal student accommodation a go and realise that it's ok to later realise that it's not for you

Also, you're so young and have your whole life ahead of you so if it doesn't work out as planned and you "lose" a year for any reason, it's not the end of the world.

I was tempted to vote YABU but I didn't vote in the end.

I am shy too (or was!) and had a sober life before uni. I didn't get on that well in school / 6th form. Long story short - I went out with my new uni housemates starting on day 1! Never looked back.

Uni is very different from school because of the living arrangements.

The only downside is that I was the only 'tidy' person in the kitchen, washing and putting away my dishes. The other 4 flatmates left the kitchen in a pig sty.

Man y unis have designated "quiet " halls or floors

OP - can't help with some queries but I would say that Liverpool is a great city and close enough to Manchester not to feel too different. Wherever you go you will "find your tribe" - honestly you will. Be open, honest and accepting of change ... you will thrive wherever you are if you see individuals and not just "types". Hold you ground and be you - - if people don't "get you" - no loss and no judgement. It's life - embrace it ... prepare for disappointment and thrive in spite of it all. You will be great!

Manchester for example
Students also have the opportunity of choosing 'lifestyle moderated' halls. Students can request to live in halls that have adapted a moderated/reserved lifestyle in respect of alcohol, parties and noise etc. We do not envisage being able to guarantee a permanently quiet or alcohol free environment but by grouping like-minded people together it is hoped we can at least provide a suitable environment.

I would try halls. Unlike at school, due to the number of people, everyone can find a group they fit into. Plenty of students don't drink, for a variety of reasons, and there are many introverts as well as extroverts. Most people make friends for life in halls, and it would be a pity for you to miss out on this experience.

I felt like you but I loved halls. The traditional university halls are the best - the old fashioned catered ones, with rooms on corridors, not the modern ones in flats. They are great for building communities and giving you a wide base to help find your tribe. Communal breakfasts shd dinners are great for getting to know people too. Traditional halls have postgraduate students or junior academic staff who live on site and are on duty every night to deal with any issues, noise complaints etc, so you are never without support. There are also active student societies in halls, again great to help with finding like minded people. Have an amazing time - you will love it!

It's a long time since I was at Uni, but I found life in halls to be OK. Not wonderful, not awful. I didn't have problems with the people around, but the friends that I made were from my course or from the societies I joined. There was a pretty mixed bunch, socially, in there but I don't remember anyone who seemed especially isolated - as other posters have said, given time, you'll find your gang.

Perhaps the one thing I'd be cautious about is this idea that going to Uni should be this or that. Some people treat it as a three-year party, some people are totally buried in their studies, some are networking frantically towards a future career, some are devoted to their sports, some are determined to find a future husband or wife by the time they graduate. None of them are right or wrong, they are following their own priorities. And most of us muddle through with a combination of several of the above at different times. Good luck!

You're 18..thats why you're shy. I don't think your parents are helping you by suggesting you isolate instead of using this time to learn social skills, which halls will help you with. Find your own place in the world but give halls a try for a year first. It really is great fun. Stop worrying unnecessarily and react if something does go wrong instead of expecting it to, although its unlikely anything will. By missing out on halls you risk missing out on one of the best parts of the university experience.

I loathed halls, disliked living with housemates, and really enjoyed living in my own.

Depends on you really? I found by going to a London uni when I was from London, I was able to keep a relationship going without too much drama as I wasn't bouncing around the country every few months moving in and out of halls.

Will you be applying for dsa for your anxiety? Student Support may be able to help you access quieter halls. The Student Room is a forum which can help identify the more party orientated and quieter halls when you have shortlisted unis.

I’m autistic, painfully shy, and not remotely interested in participating in drinking culture. I found my people pretty easily at university. My school actually had halls designated for students who wanted a quieter environment. They tended to attract people like me. This was decades ago so I have no idea if similar programs exist anywhere.