To think university halls may be hell for me?

[Rompastom]

I am an 18 year old girl who has applied to go to university in September. My mum browses this forum and has advised me that there are lots of parents on here with kids my age that could offer some advise based on their experiences.

So I have applied to do English lit, my passion since being a child, at Manchester, MMU, Sheffield, Leeds, and Liverpool. I live in Manchester so opted for some ‘safe’ options to have the option to commute from home and be close to my family. You may have noticed I picked all northern cities too, just really close to my family and want to be somewhere cheap since I’m used to having a decent standard of living I also wanted the option of a studio flat and the rent is pretty cheap in all these cities. I wanted a big city since I’m used to living somewhere with loads to do, but I love Sheffield and the rural dynamic of it with the Peak District.

So my issue is this…. I have been really shy all my life until recently. I was bullied all through high school and pretty much had no genuine good best friends after primary school. I actually got anorexia during GCSEs due to the immense stress despite me getting amazing results. I think I poured all my stress into studying and having no social life helped. I had to go to outpatient treatment for 6 months and could have died due to my bad health. Thankfully fully recovered now 3 years on. The experience kind of made me start to not give a fuck, and I began to gain a lot of confidence. I still had bad mental health along with coronavirus so haven’t made any good friends at college and just have kept to myself.

I really am starting to feel like I haven’t ‘lived yet’ and am watching my youth pass me by and am wasting my life. I have never drank, partly due to my family being Muslim before they became atheists, and they barely ever drink. I also have never had a boyfriend, never gone clubbing. I want to do all that but being so out of it I feel like i’m scared of new experiences. I’m scared it’s a luck draw with flatmates and there is a high chance we won’t click and will argue. I’m scared of small things like them bringing rowdy mates in the kitchen and making me not want to go in, or taking the piss out of my cooking and complaining about the smell (I am south Asian and love to cook family curry recipes)…. Just ganging up on me I guess. My dad has said he had shitty experiences at Uni but also found some amazing friends and met my mum there, but he told me I will have to put up with a lot and learn to tolerate people and deal with situations.

Having been sober all my life I’m scared of the uk Uni drinking culture, I feel like I may be pressured to try to act cool, knowing my personality and how I’m currently desperate to make friends and ‘fit in’, whereas I don’t want to go crazy on the drinking, and am way more into sports and hobbies as an amateur boxer and powerlifter. I guess I want a happy medium, watch a movie, not go out clubbing every night, but still have fun. My dad told me it can get really noisy and I’m already a really light sleeper, need a fan for white noise every night…. Now I’m considering would flatmates be able to hear it and complain……

My parents have told me they would pay for me to have my own studio flat so I could socialise on my terms and not take a chance with the flatmates, but I feel like that could be isolating and lead me to make no friends. I feel like I could easily get a studio for the second and third years (or if I go to manchester live at home)…. And the first year should be a real student experience. I should be able to put up with not ideal flatmates for a year… but at the same time I’m not so sure.

Do most students make friends with their flatmates? I have always imagined it is them that you go out with during freshers week…. I also have a small feeling I would be lonely in a studio flat, I love having my family around to chat to and just having people there, and i imagine good friends could replace family in that way.

Another aspect is that my family is particularly close knit due to my younger sister having a severe disability and being nonverbal. It makes living at home really hard and stressful sometimes but it has also meant my mum and dad and me have been driven close together to cope. Living away would be freeing in a way for me from that. I can’t imagine doing Uni work due to the noise disruption she unfortunately causes due to her disability.

So would you suggest I pick Leeds, Sheffield or Liverpool to totally get away from my city and have a ‘fresh start’ and make do with any flatmates I get, move to them and get a studio flag to have my own space and not have kitchen/flat space worries…. Choose Manchester and live at halls to have the option to change to stay at home if I really can’t gel with the people in my flat, choose Manchester and live at home first year to get to know people and then maybe live with them later if I make good friends…..

Have any of your kids also had similar worries and how have they gotten on with the people in their flat?

@AFS1

I was painfully shy when I went to uni, and had been bullied at school. I LOVED my experience in halls. I never found it too noisy. I wasn’t in a heavy drinking crowd. My friendship group was pretty geeky. Everyone is in the same boat - everyone is new and nervous. Sign up to some clubs and societies that you’re interested in and the friendship will quickly follow.

That’s really nice to hear, seems like there are people to suit everyone in terms of making friends due to the wide range of interests and I shouldn’t worry! I’m glad it’s not like high school, I’ll definitely be joining many societies and I’m lucky all those unis seem to have so many!

I didn't live in halls at uni, I stayed local-ish to home (maybe 10-15 miles away) and shared a house with a couple of friends I already knew. The universities you're considering are quite large ones, so I imagine they will have a range of societies you can join, which will help you to meet more like-minded folks. I made most of my uni friends through societies (although mine were of the partying variety), and many are still friends to this day (over 20 years on).

You’ve been through so much already I’m sure you will be able to make a great life wherever you study. My advice would be to go to the Uni whose course most appeals to you. Your academic work should be a big part of your life so you want to enjoy it and make the most of opportunities to make friends who are also passionate about English as a subject.
I’d also recommend living in halls for the first year. Offer to cook for everyone early in the term - most students would love to share a home cooked meal and learn cooking skills from you! My duaghters certainly would.
Join in your flat mates’ plans but don’t feel pressurised to drink - just tell them that you don’t drink much because of your sport (or any other ‘excuse’ you want to give). I think a student survey from a few years ago showed 20% of students don’t drink at all so you won’t be the only one.
Just remember your flat mates will be nervous too and try not to dwell on your concerns. Just feel excited for the opportunities ahead.
Good luck!

Go to halls. You only get one chance in your life to be a fresher. If it really doesn't work you can move be out.

I also think think your dad is projecting his own fears based on his experiences, he probably thinks he is trying to be helpful, but bless him, he isn’t.

You too seem to concentrate on negative thoughts, and I do realise you are anxious because of past experiences, but I would like to pick out some of the positive points you mentioned for you to think about.

1. you came through a bad experience feeling stronger about yourself, that shows me that you are resilient and have great inner strength.

2. you say you are aware of your weaknesses, and that you might be tempted to do things and try new experiences just to fit in, but this is a positive, you know you want to grow and develop at university and become an open minded and rounded person, you will have those chances, lots of them,to try new things, and you will find it easier than you think to find experiences that you are comfortable and happy to try.

3. you enjoy sports, this is such a great way to keep yourself grounded mentally and physically, lots of sports facilities will be available to you, both new and old, both my nieces really got into rowing at university, six o clock in the morning training on the river really bonded them with other rowers!

4. you love to cook, already you are half way to meeting new friends, eating food together is a very simple and basic way of humans bonding with each other. In my experience young people are either cooks or non cooks but whether you want to share cooking experiences or just eat the outcome is the same, food opens friendship doors.

Enjoy your time wherever you end up, you deserve it.

@viques

I also think think your dad is projecting his own fears based on his experiences, he probably thinks he is trying to be helpful, but bless him, he isn’t.

You too seem to concentrate on negative thoughts, and I do realise you are anxious because of past experiences, but I would like to pick out some of the positive points you mentioned for you to think about.

1. you came through a bad experience feeling stronger about yourself, that shows me that you are resilient and have great inner strength.

2. you say you are aware of your weaknesses, and that you might be tempted to do things and try new experiences just to fit in, but this is a positive, you know you want to grow and develop at university and become an open minded and rounded person, you will have those chances, lots of them,to try new things, and you will find it easier than you think to find experiences that you are comfortable and happy to try.

3. you enjoy sports, this is such a great way to keep yourself grounded mentally and physically, lots of sports facilities will be available to you, both new and old, both my nieces really got into rowing at university, six o clock in the morning training on the river really bonded them with other rowers!

4. you love to cook, already you are half way to meeting new friends, eating food together is a very simple and basic way of humans bonding with each other. In my experience young people are either cooks or non cooks but whether you want to share cooking experiences or just eat the outcome is the same, food opens friendship doors.

Enjoy your time wherever you end up, you deserve it.

Probably, I think he wants me to know what to expect and not expect everything to be perfect but is also just going off his own bad experiences. He must have enjoyed it to meet my mum there and tell me those were some of the best years of his life!

Aw thanks that’s so sweet of you to turn my insecurities around and say that about me. I see what you mean. Definitely looking forward to joining sports societies, that rowing sounds lovely, very cool experience

Haha I would love to cook together and for people. I’ve just seen some threads on the student room with people complaining about flatmates taking up space cooking, cooking smelly food and just complaining about stuff like that. I like to think I’m very clean and have good manners in the kitchen but with our ethnic food I suspect I’m so used to the smells, they just don’t affect me any more! I’m sure many people would love to try the dishes and wouldn’t mind as you said though

Studios can be isolating in first year.
DD was shy, never drinks, never went clubbing until she went to uni. (she still doesnt drink she doesnt like the taste). She put herself in a townhouse of 12 knowing it was going to be social. Best thing she did. She got on with everyone. Even if she had got on with just half of the flat, she still would have loved the experience. Her logic was a safety in numbers, that in a big flat she would have gotten on with at least one person there. You do not have to drink if you dont want to. A lot of students nowdays do not drink.

I lived in halls. Didn’t enjoy it much from September to Xmas. A lot of people struggled with homesickness first semester. Was at home for Xmas and then couldn’t wait to get back. Made lifelong friends there. 30 years and standing.

I wouldn't live near home- when i was at uni (centuries ago) there was an incredibly shy girl who although she was in hall went home every weekend and she never really integrated - i think if she'd stayed a few weekends she would have broken the back of it.

I lived in halls in my first year. There was only one person I really got on with but by my second term I had found a 'tribe' and really left my halls people behind. It was a great feeling to suddenly feel less 'odd'!

Dd was very quiet and shy at school. I really worried about her going to uni but she loved it. It was the making of her. She lived in halls for the first year then a shared house.
Check accommodations prices. If the places you mention Sheffield was much cheaper when we were looking but may not be now. Also consider Leeds - very good student scene. Good luck.

You've got everything to gain by sharing hall!

Im still close pals with uni pals I lived with in the 1990s!

I was pretty much you OP. I made one choice and I'm urging you to make the other.

I studied from home and went in every day instead. I regret it hugely. I have seen on Facebook ever since that various little groups who lived together at the time have stuck it out over the decades and are still super-close. I wish I had that and think I could have done if I'd been a bit braver.

While I'm not saying it's impossible to have a high quality "studying from home" experience, for me, it ended up feeling like a slightly different version of school.

I don't think it was worth the expense looking back and wish I'd taken that leap and had more of an experience.

Please give it a try! Worst case scenario, you hate it, you can move out. But this could be the making of you! Do it for me OP

I would give halls a go. You might not feel comfortable at first but everyone's in the same boat and I think everyone learns important life skills from being forced to live around other people that they might not normally encounter. Learning how to deal with the flatmate who leaves your favourite pan dirty in the sink or has loud friends over is part of life.

Please don't get a studio flat from the start (although there are private halls that operate these which might be better) as I think you'll feel very lonely. If you live alone you have to make a lot more effort to be sociable as you don't have the opportunity to get chatting to people in your shared kitchen and so on.

As for drinking, my son's just about to graduate and he doesn't drink at all. Apparently lots of people don't as it's so expensive. I checked, and he says he's never been made to feel bad about it and he just goes clubbing etc with the others and drinks water. When I asked him about that, he also reminded me that his best friends are people he lived with or in the next flat from in his first year halls. Don't miss out on that.

Ds1 is home for Easter but is in his first year at uni. He is introvert, doesn't like clubbing in fact never went clubbing until 1 time before uni as he is summer born so couldn't even get into a club, not that he wished to.

He is in a modern hall with a shared kitchen with 7 other people. It hasn't been the best time for him but it hasn't been the worst either. Everyone is cordial and friendly but no one is best mates with each other either. They all just bumble along, some are more messy than others but there are flat inspections that mean an adult from the university is the one who messages the flat to say wash your stuff up as you are breaking your tenancy agreement to keep the communal areas clean and tidy, and it worked.

Ds has said that if he was in a studio flat he would have been very isolated. This isn't just about making friends but daily social interactions with people, and who knows you could meet someone just like you! Ds has made friends with all sorts of people from all different backgrounds.

Ds is having a studio flat in his final year just because it gives him the opportunity to be alone when he wants and not have to interact in the kitchen. However, this is for his 3rd year only. Next year he is in a shared flat again with random people. Dh had a great time at uni, mine was meh but I still loved the experience and would do it again in a heartbeat. You will be fine, truly. There is a lot of support from uni staff from your personal tutor to the mental health and well being staff. Stop believing that every person is a party animal getting trashed every night.

This is Jade, an A* student who was part of StudyTube on YouTube which helped to make studying easier and cool. She did an international degree where she lived in different cities around the world. She recently posted this video which I think is worth a watch

When DS applied for halls he had to fill out a questionnaire about himself- eg quiet or party animal, night owl or early bird etc . I think they got the match pretty well because he’s met some great people in halls . It’s maybe worth asking the unis how they match people for accommodation.

Don't have kids that age but I had the Uni experience so didn't want to read and run.
First of all you can't make any choice on any university before looking round so make sure you attend open days to get a feel before making a choice.
University's attract people of all ages with all different backgrounds, passions and interests. Not everyone will want to drink themselves into oblivion but others absolutely will. I would recommend living in halls the first year for at least the first year. You can experience Freshers at the heart of the action.
You don't know what housemates you'll get before you go to University. You could get a group of rowdy party animals or you could get a group of quiet reserved individuals. There is really no way of telling.
You may make friends for life in your housemates or perhaps not. My first year I lived on campus and we didn't have a communal area to hang out. I literally had one of the neighbours knock on my door and invite me to her room with some others. My neighbours were really nice but we studied different courses and were just different people. I don't make real friends very easily and only left university with one friend I keep in contact with. But I had plenty of casual acquaintances at university to talk to during classes or go on nights out with.
Once you've picked a university you could try reaching out on social media to those starting the same time who may have similar interests to you. You could make a friend or 2 before even starting 😊
If you've never really drunk or gone clubbing just watch yourself. I've seen this go one of two ways. Either the person has a good amount of self control and goes out and drinks within reasonable limits. I've also seen the other side where they go absolutely mad. Out literally every night if the week. Hit the Drink and drugs hard. Go to no lectures or seminars blow through their student finance in like a month and end up getting kicked out of university or dropping out. You seem like a sensible level headed person so I'm sure you'll be fine but don't end up person number 2.
If it helps I went to a university in Leeds if you have any questions about the area.
Well done and good luck 😊

New city, fresh start, live in halls.

There will be people in halls you gel with, and people you don't. That's the point. You'll meet hundreds of people.

And even if you don't meet lifelong friends in halls (I didn't), you'll have the opportunity to meet plenty of other people on your course and through joining societies.

But living in a studio flat most probably will be isolating, especially at the beginning. It doesn't much matter who you go out with in freshers week as long as you do have people to go out with.

I was a loud, outwardly loud, confident, binge drinker at Uni and my room mate was the opposite. We were polite to each other but didn’t become friends, but as everyone is saying, I found my crowd and she found hers. She was v quiet but soon had a lovely boyfriend who was a computer scientist and a group of intellectual friends. She had just as many friends as me and had just a good experience. Being sporty, I think you will find it easy to fit in and if you don’t gel with everyone in your halls, it doesn’t really matter.

I think you should pick the course/city which feels best for you. But don’t just pick Manchester because you have the option of moving home. A studied flat elsewhere would be better than that unless the course at Manchester is your favourite.

My Dd is in her second year at uni and lives at home. She has found it harder to make friends. She’s also not into the uni drinking culture. But she has made friends via societies and on her course.

When I was at uni there wasn’t space in halls so they put me in a three bed terrace house. So I never made friends in halls but had plenty of friends.

Some universities have “quiet flats” in halls. So you can specify you’d like one and they would put people who don’t want that party scene together. Talk to the different accommodation offices.

Join different societies and you’ll probably find one or two you really click with.

A third option is to see if your uni has any “quiet halls”. My uni had this option and I considered it but ultimately went for standard halls and regretted it. I just didn’t gel with my housemates and didn’t enjoy going out partying. Sometimes it felt a little lonely. Everyone in halls was nice to me, I just didn’t make meaningful friendships.

However I did find “my people” through societies and made friends who I am still friends with 10+ years after graduation, despite being spread our over the country. You mentioned you play sport, that is an excellent way to meet people. I will caveat that at my uni there was a very heavy drinking culture associated with the sports teams, but this was a different uni and several years ago so things may be different now. But you can try out loads of clubs and the beginning and then later on narrow down to as many as you have time for. There were societies for pretty much everything, for example I joined the knitting society. I had no idea how to knit at the time but it was a nice relaxed society where we would meet up once or twice a week, go for coffee and knit and chat which was a great way to meet people.

I just saw your post about people moaning on student rooms - bear in mind people are far more likely to start or comment on a thread complaining - if you got on really well with your housemates you'd be unlikely to start a post about how great it is!

I also had a younger sibling at home with severe learning disabilities, non-verbal etc and was super close to my parents. I moved to a different part of the UK for uni and lived in halls and on my first weekend went home- well I tried to but there were big delays with the trains so I went back to halls instead and had a great weekend. I'm very glad I did! The first couple of weeks are when you get to know your flatmates.

Ime most people stick with their housemates for the first few weeks and then as your course gets properly underway you meet new people. So while it would be lovely to make best friends with your flatmates it really doesn't matter of you don't gel that well.

I'm feeling all nostalgic now and wish I could do it all again! It is scary, it's unknown, but it's one of the few times in life where everyone is in the same boat.

Best of luck with your exams and uni applications. Your world is about to open up massively !

I agree with other suggestion of smaller town
My DD is at a snall town Uni surrounded by countryside.

She doesn't really drink. Doesn't like clubbing did try it at fewshers week and hated it!

Dje has found friends like her abd gas a house share arranged for year 2.

Not all 18 year old want to drink and go clubbing.
You will find your tribe
Good luck x