To think university halls may be hell for me?

[Rompastom]

I am an 18 year old girl who has applied to go to university in September. My mum browses this forum and has advised me that there are lots of parents on here with kids my age that could offer some advise based on their experiences.

So I have applied to do English lit, my passion since being a child, at Manchester, MMU, Sheffield, Leeds, and Liverpool. I live in Manchester so opted for some ‘safe’ options to have the option to commute from home and be close to my family. You may have noticed I picked all northern cities too, just really close to my family and want to be somewhere cheap since I’m used to having a decent standard of living I also wanted the option of a studio flat and the rent is pretty cheap in all these cities. I wanted a big city since I’m used to living somewhere with loads to do, but I love Sheffield and the rural dynamic of it with the Peak District.

So my issue is this…. I have been really shy all my life until recently. I was bullied all through high school and pretty much had no genuine good best friends after primary school. I actually got anorexia during GCSEs due to the immense stress despite me getting amazing results. I think I poured all my stress into studying and having no social life helped. I had to go to outpatient treatment for 6 months and could have died due to my bad health. Thankfully fully recovered now 3 years on. The experience kind of made me start to not give a fuck, and I began to gain a lot of confidence. I still had bad mental health along with coronavirus so haven’t made any good friends at college and just have kept to myself.

I really am starting to feel like I haven’t ‘lived yet’ and am watching my youth pass me by and am wasting my life. I have never drank, partly due to my family being Muslim before they became atheists, and they barely ever drink. I also have never had a boyfriend, never gone clubbing. I want to do all that but being so out of it I feel like i’m scared of new experiences. I’m scared it’s a luck draw with flatmates and there is a high chance we won’t click and will argue. I’m scared of small things like them bringing rowdy mates in the kitchen and making me not want to go in, or taking the piss out of my cooking and complaining about the smell (I am south Asian and love to cook family curry recipes)…. Just ganging up on me I guess. My dad has said he had shitty experiences at Uni but also found some amazing friends and met my mum there, but he told me I will have to put up with a lot and learn to tolerate people and deal with situations.

Having been sober all my life I’m scared of the uk Uni drinking culture, I feel like I may be pressured to try to act cool, knowing my personality and how I’m currently desperate to make friends and ‘fit in’, whereas I don’t want to go crazy on the drinking, and am way more into sports and hobbies as an amateur boxer and powerlifter. I guess I want a happy medium, watch a movie, not go out clubbing every night, but still have fun. My dad told me it can get really noisy and I’m already a really light sleeper, need a fan for white noise every night…. Now I’m considering would flatmates be able to hear it and complain……

My parents have told me they would pay for me to have my own studio flat so I could socialise on my terms and not take a chance with the flatmates, but I feel like that could be isolating and lead me to make no friends. I feel like I could easily get a studio for the second and third years (or if I go to manchester live at home)…. And the first year should be a real student experience. I should be able to put up with not ideal flatmates for a year… but at the same time I’m not so sure.

Do most students make friends with their flatmates? I have always imagined it is them that you go out with during freshers week…. I also have a small feeling I would be lonely in a studio flat, I love having my family around to chat to and just having people there, and i imagine good friends could replace family in that way.

Another aspect is that my family is particularly close knit due to my younger sister having a severe disability and being nonverbal. It makes living at home really hard and stressful sometimes but it has also meant my mum and dad and me have been driven close together to cope. Living away would be freeing in a way for me from that. I can’t imagine doing Uni work due to the noise disruption she unfortunately causes due to her disability.

So would you suggest I pick Leeds, Sheffield or Liverpool to totally get away from my city and have a ‘fresh start’ and make do with any flatmates I get, move to them and get a studio flag to have my own space and not have kitchen/flat space worries…. Choose Manchester and live at halls to have the option to change to stay at home if I really can’t gel with the people in my flat, choose Manchester and live at home first year to get to know people and then maybe live with them later if I make good friends…..

Have any of your kids also had similar worries and how have they gotten on with the people in their flat?

I would live.in halls. You probably won't get on with 100% of the people there, but you will likely find at least one really good close friend for the rest of uni and beyond. Everyone's new to it and a.bit nervous and it's really an amazing opportunity to chat to anyone, try to open up & put yourself.in new situations. Been there,.done that and didn't maximise it because of my own shyness, but if I was.tl.so it again, I'd try to grab loads of opportunities and.not worry about first impressions or.how.i might come across because everyone is winging it!

DS1 is a sporty non-drinking Muslim. He is in his first year in a shared flat with 9 people. He has had no problems at all. He goes out with his friends but doesn’t drink. He’s cooked for them and will be sharing a house some of them next year.
He was a bit shy before he went but has loved it.

I'm sure most unis offer the option of "quiet halls" if you're not the partying type. My dd didn't drink before she went to uni but she made some really good friends who she's still close to ten years later (she also started drinking at uni!)

My daughter went to uni in halls - the type where 8 en-suite too,s with shared kitchen / dining space.
Before she left she hated talking on the phone ...wouldn't answer the house phone or door ,hated walking down the high street alone etc
She has a couple of close friends at school but certainly wasn't really part of the 'in group ' in 6 th form
She rarely drank ..maybe the odd half glass of wine !
Went to uni ....she just flourished ...the whole experience made her realise she could do what she wanted and be who she wanted to be and still join in and have fun.
I guess all I'm saying is ...don't over think it ...see how it goes ...give it a chance ...
My daughter is now a primary school teacher who is flying high !!!!
She's a joy

I would recommend halls - there is such diversity there, and people are keen to make friends. Some unis have designated "quiet halls" which are much stricter on noise levels and drinking - eg it would be fine to have a glass of wine with dinner, but you'd get in trouble if you come home roaring drunk - check whether that's an option?

Honestly, I loved living in halls, and I'm quite shy. Don't feel you have to go out socialising with people you live with - I never did, but would have got to know people by sitting and chatting over a cup of tea mix-afternoon.

Join lots of university clubs too, and get to know people who have similar interests to you.

Don't worry about the smell of your food - honestly, people are more likely to want to try some than they are to complain! And they won't hear your white noise fan (though it may be worth trying to wean yourself off that, just so you don't have to take it everywhere you go).

I think if you already struggle socially then getting a studio flat to avoid having flatmates is setting yourself up for a habit of isolation.

Your flatmates don't have to be your best friends, but they're a good starting social circle until you have had chance to get to know your coursemates better etc and most people will want to get along well with the people they are living with so unless you get really unlucky there is no reason to think they'd want to cause problems for you. And in the unlikely event of that, if you are in proper halls then there will be some sort of team responsible for student well-being who can either mediate or worst case scenario you move. And halls are not like american roommate scenarios, you will still have your own room to go back to, but it is good to learn how to share a common space.

If you are worried about the drinking/party culture many unis now offer alcohol free flats/halls you could get a spot in.

You sound exactly like my ds2

Ds1 went to a close to home uni, halls for the first year, moved in with friends the second year and lived with boyfriend the 3rd year

He is a drinker and had a lot of fun in halls, he also is shy and has anxiety (diagnosed) but when i tell him how brave he is /was he tells me that his FOMO is bigger than his shyness 😀

Ds2 (18) is very shy, we also think he has social anxiety though he isn’t diagnosed, he isnt a drinker and doesn’t have FOMO. He is in halls close to home as well

He has been home just about every weekend and intends living at home for the next two years

My advice would be to go to halls in a uni closer to home ….assuming that the uni is a good one that you would have considered anyway

Then if you love it you can live away moving forward and if not go home

My friends son went to the same uni as ds2 about 30 minutes drive away….and his mum barely saw him for three years so it is possible to still be very independent

Good luck in whatever you choose

Have you considered Nottingham uni? It’s lovely, the campus is very green with good links to a city. The halls are nice, you can do catered so that you can socialise as much as you like. One thing I would say is that choose a mixed halls. I studied English as well but at Sheffield and Sheffield is lovely but I think you would prefer a campus uni rather than one spread out all over the city with halls everywhere.

Leicester is a really good choice if you want somewhere without such a strong drinking culture, because it is an Asian majority city there are a high proportion of people that don’t drink and the student body is similar. Obviously there is still binge drinking but also very easy to find friends that don’t drink and it’s not at all surprising to people. It’s a very tolerant place.

Accommodation wise, I hated halls personally. Didn’t have your issues but am very weird about sharing with people. I lasted a term and moved out. If I had my time over I would have loved a studio. I just didn’t get on with communal living despite liking my course.
I’d get somewhere with your own bathroom and kitchen but within a building that is all students. Many of the new halls have this option, it’s expensive though.

I teach A Level and the main piece of advice that I always give students who are unsure where to go is: Wherever you go will probably end up being the best place - I had friends who ended up at a uni they'd never have chosen, through 'Clearing', and they loved it. But also, it isn't set in stone and if you are really unhappy you can often change part way through your course.

My husband chose a uni that was the best uni in the country for his course. But he didn't investigate the extra-curricular stuff well enough. He had a main sport that was basically his life, and this uni didn't have a club for that sport. He joined other clubs but it was a dealbreaker. He moved to a uni close to his home at the end of first year (taking his first year grades with him - not starting again) and had a brilliant time for the rest of his course. And was captain of the sports club, etc. (He also met me through that sports club... so that's another bonus!)

You've had great advice for the other parts of your post. Again - whatever happens you can always change it and find a better solution if you need to. I hated my roommate and her friends, my first term at uni was awful. I cried on the train on the way back after Christmas and seriously considered heading straight back home. But it got better from there and I found some good friends to live with for second and third year, joined some clubs and had a great time.

In short - don't panic. Weigh it all up, using the advice and experiences people have given here, and make your choice knowing that if it doesn't work you will find a way to improve it. It's not like school - you're not stuck with it if it's difficult. You sound like you have a very loving and supportive family behind you.

Good luck!

I'd jump straight in. Go to Manchester, go into halls, give it a go. You can always "escape" back to your parents if it's too much or you want a break. This is similar to exposure therapy which I think would do you some good.

Just go to Manchester, OP, and live at home. this is perfectly respectable decision that suits you. DS may live at home for Uni, btw. We get along, so why not?

I was a non-drinker at notorious party-University, "hilarious". Naturally I viewed the binge drinking with contempt. I still made friends, had as much social life as I wanted, got a 'good' degree.

Definitely try and stay in halls. I was very shy too and wanted to move out at first but I’m so glad I stayed and persevered. Take the opportunity to meet as many people as you can, if your plan is to live anywhere other than at home then you have nothing to lose. Good luck.

I was painfully shy when I went to university, didn't drink and was not one to go clubbing. Halls were good for me (I did live in one of the smaller accomidations) I found first few weeks difficult just as I had never been away from family but it forced me to make friends and socialise. University is different from school everyone is starting fresh and it's q really mix of people. I got on with my flat mates in first year and in 2nd and 3rd choose the people I lived with. I met my husband there and I am glad I gained independence at university. I think if I lived alone I could have easily isolated myself without trying. Choose what you find best for you

Hi op, you sound very mature and self away. I too like others was shy, reserved and had been bullied and school and never fit in. I went to Leeds (halls were Leodis) in 2012 and I LOVED it. I lived in a flat with 4 other girls, 2 were international and quite quiet not into clubbing, 1 was English and very shy again not into clubbing and the other 1 and I were very similar and enjoyed going out some, but also would go shopping, ice skating, join a painting club, wine tasting club, we both joined different dance classes, joined our course societies (she did English actually and made great friends through that). We did go out clubbing probably weekly or to a bar an additional night or too as well so by no means "boring" (if that's the right word) and our halls and wider groups were dead welcoming when we wanted to join but not pushing when we didn't. We used to go as a big gang to the libraries to study and then go eat lunch together in Parkinson building or the cafes opposite in winter and picnic on the grass in summer.

There's so much more to halls at uni, I wouldn't get hung up on that. Find societies you want to join - cooking maybe, and try others you've never thought of. There's SO many people at uni from all walks of life you will find your tribe. My husband didn't like any of his hall mates and went out with people from a different flat for nights out/the gym etc.

Similarly I knew of people who hated their halls and asked to move and they were quite accommodating.

Try looking on student rooms and you'll get the vibe for where's the "clubbiest" or the more sedate.

Good luck, and enjoy

Hi op , my daughter is in her 3rd year at Leeds and loves it so much she won't be coming back home ! She was in halls the 1st year and had an amazing experience her and her flat mates were party goers and they were loud but she has made amazing friends that she has lived with since . But I'm pretty sure you can request a quiet floor. She would definitely not have had the same experience had she been in a flat by herself . The kitchen in halls is the social area . Leeds is a great city , very friendly .

I'd say Sheffield of the three - lots of good outdoorsy societies etc, less of a party culture than Leeds or Liverpool.

I went to Lancaster and would highly recommend for a gentler uni experience - very good pastoral care, the campus/colleges make it much less full on than a city.

I'd maybe ask any potential unis if they have designated quiet halls so you're not thrown in with people who are there solely to party, too. We had a mix in our first flat - a couple of people who didn't really come out or drink and we all got on fine, so it's not a given that even if you housemates do like going out that they're going to be unpleasant to you if you don't. I made friends in my first term with people on my course and in societies and didn't really socialise with my flatmates at all, so they don't have to be the be all and end all!

It's such a gamble, I know: the best thing to do would be to go in with an open mind and join plenty of societies, so even if your flatmates aren't people you're mega keen on you've got social groups :)

I was nervous too - absolutely everyone is! I took a leap of faith and moved hundreds of miles from home and it was absolutely fantastic. I’m still near the city I went to uni in over ten years later! You’ll likely make friends for life. There are so many different personalities and types of people at universities, you will find your people! The most important thing, no matter where you live or which city you pick, is to go into it with a positive attitude and be friendly and open with those you meet. Everyone is nervous and everyone wants to make friends.

I definitely had challenges at university (as you will in any stage of life) but it was the most wonderful experience and I started to become who I am as a person now. Enjoy yourself, it’s a one in a lifetime experience!

If I were you, I'd talk to the accomodation officers at some of these universities. This will give you the chance to discuss some of your concerns and get a better idea of what the type of accomodation environments are on offer. At the university I went too, they had dorms set aside for people who liked a party and other dorms set aside for people who wanted a quieter, less alcohol orientated living space. They asked for preferences before assigning rooms.

Also recommend halls if you want the best chance of finding ‘your’ people - the more people you’re around, the more likely you are to meet those you click with.

I don't know how possible it is (or if the unis you are looking at have such offerings) but could you look at the halls for international students. In my experience these halls were MUCH quieter than the other halls-there was still socialising but much less of the typical 'British student' living you seem concerned about.
I appreciate this is making a massive assumption, and there will always be the quiter groups in all halls.
Do any of the unis try to place you with similar minded people?

My daughter is in her 3rd year at Liverpool. Like you she does not smoke or drink and is quite shy. She chose on of the quieter halls for her first year and managed fine. She had a busy social life but did not feel under any pressure to smoke or drink.

Ah bless you. It's a long time since I was at uni but when I was there there were halls for the international students. I'm not saying you are international I just mean you might come across a more diverse bunch including people that share your interests of cooking etc. Rather than my experience of how quick we could drink a litre of vodka. British universities are much more diverse now and I think you might find people with your interests.

I think you should give halls a go by the way. University is a great opportunity to reinvent yourself.

Well done for pulling through and achieving well. I think it is very telling that you are worried about your life passing by. Maybe this is an opportunity for you?

I think halls are good because they force you to socialise with people. I went to uni 15 years ago and was super shy but halls were great because I was able to make friends with people naturally...I would never have had the confidence to approach people elsewhere. The people I lived with loved partying more than me but that didn't matter. I'd go out with them sometimes and other times I'd choose to stay at home with a film. Sometimes they'd bring loud people back but it was rare and I'd just take myself off to my room. I would not worry about the cooking thing; as long as you tidy up after yourself I don't think anyone would mind fragrant food.

You sound very similar to my daughter, she’s on her year (or two) out but we’ve had the same talk. She thinks she’ll be isolated and make no friends if she lives on her own but she’s worried she’ll struggle in halls. We did some research and lots of Uni’s have ‘quiet halls’ which might be the half way house you need. I hope it goes well for you.