To think university halls may be hell for me?

[Rompastom]

I am an 18 year old girl who has applied to go to university in September. My mum browses this forum and has advised me that there are lots of parents on here with kids my age that could offer some advise based on their experiences.

So I have applied to do English lit, my passion since being a child, at Manchester, MMU, Sheffield, Leeds, and Liverpool. I live in Manchester so opted for some ‘safe’ options to have the option to commute from home and be close to my family. You may have noticed I picked all northern cities too, just really close to my family and want to be somewhere cheap since I’m used to having a decent standard of living I also wanted the option of a studio flat and the rent is pretty cheap in all these cities. I wanted a big city since I’m used to living somewhere with loads to do, but I love Sheffield and the rural dynamic of it with the Peak District.

So my issue is this…. I have been really shy all my life until recently. I was bullied all through high school and pretty much had no genuine good best friends after primary school. I actually got anorexia during GCSEs due to the immense stress despite me getting amazing results. I think I poured all my stress into studying and having no social life helped. I had to go to outpatient treatment for 6 months and could have died due to my bad health. Thankfully fully recovered now 3 years on. The experience kind of made me start to not give a fuck, and I began to gain a lot of confidence. I still had bad mental health along with coronavirus so haven’t made any good friends at college and just have kept to myself.

I really am starting to feel like I haven’t ‘lived yet’ and am watching my youth pass me by and am wasting my life. I have never drank, partly due to my family being Muslim before they became atheists, and they barely ever drink. I also have never had a boyfriend, never gone clubbing. I want to do all that but being so out of it I feel like i’m scared of new experiences. I’m scared it’s a luck draw with flatmates and there is a high chance we won’t click and will argue. I’m scared of small things like them bringing rowdy mates in the kitchen and making me not want to go in, or taking the piss out of my cooking and complaining about the smell (I am south Asian and love to cook family curry recipes)…. Just ganging up on me I guess. My dad has said he had shitty experiences at Uni but also found some amazing friends and met my mum there, but he told me I will have to put up with a lot and learn to tolerate people and deal with situations.

Having been sober all my life I’m scared of the uk Uni drinking culture, I feel like I may be pressured to try to act cool, knowing my personality and how I’m currently desperate to make friends and ‘fit in’, whereas I don’t want to go crazy on the drinking, and am way more into sports and hobbies as an amateur boxer and powerlifter. I guess I want a happy medium, watch a movie, not go out clubbing every night, but still have fun. My dad told me it can get really noisy and I’m already a really light sleeper, need a fan for white noise every night…. Now I’m considering would flatmates be able to hear it and complain……

My parents have told me they would pay for me to have my own studio flat so I could socialise on my terms and not take a chance with the flatmates, but I feel like that could be isolating and lead me to make no friends. I feel like I could easily get a studio for the second and third years (or if I go to manchester live at home)…. And the first year should be a real student experience. I should be able to put up with not ideal flatmates for a year… but at the same time I’m not so sure.

Do most students make friends with their flatmates? I have always imagined it is them that you go out with during freshers week…. I also have a small feeling I would be lonely in a studio flat, I love having my family around to chat to and just having people there, and i imagine good friends could replace family in that way.

Another aspect is that my family is particularly close knit due to my younger sister having a severe disability and being nonverbal. It makes living at home really hard and stressful sometimes but it has also meant my mum and dad and me have been driven close together to cope. Living away would be freeing in a way for me from that. I can’t imagine doing Uni work due to the noise disruption she unfortunately causes due to her disability.

So would you suggest I pick Leeds, Sheffield or Liverpool to totally get away from my city and have a ‘fresh start’ and make do with any flatmates I get, move to them and get a studio flag to have my own space and not have kitchen/flat space worries…. Choose Manchester and live at halls to have the option to change to stay at home if I really can’t gel with the people in my flat, choose Manchester and live at home first year to get to know people and then maybe live with them later if I make good friends…..

Have any of your kids also had similar worries and how have they gotten on with the people in their flat?

I picked Liverpool because it wasn't too far from home (I'm from Yorkshire) so it meant I could easily visit for the weekend (I was also nervous about missing home), and I just loved the city. Every one is so friendly, there's so much to do and there's so many amazing places to eat.

Two of my other university friends are also still in Liverpool and I see them weekly, and one is moving back here from
Brighton in September xx

I stayed at home for uni. It was fine at the time and left me with know debt, but now I regret it. I have no close friends from uni. And didn't get the full uni experience. Though as nursing students it's tricky to do that anyway.

Hello!! I’m 17 and it’s nice to see someone else my age

I would say they are, I don’t drink for religious reasons as well. Can you afford private accommodation?

I'm a mum of a uni student who opted for female only quieter halls.

This was to try and have some input on the living experience.

Have a good look at all the accommodation, we googled so much and wrote a list.

Also I'd thoroughly recommend a Facebook page called WIWIKAU

What I wish I'd known about university.

It's absolutely brilliant for asking questions about the whole thing, it's mainly parents but has tons of their experience.
Lots of links and advice on particular universities too.
I believe they also have a website.

My daughter felt much more settled when she knew what university she was going to and what halls, as she then joined the university Facebook group for her halls.
Joined and made contact with a few others.

X

Give it a go. The university term is so short anyway, first year will absolutely fly in and you might make best friends for life! I met some of my soul mates (in a friendship manner) at University.

Sent my own DC to your city from one of the cities you have chosen. Picked area to live in carefully, can walk to Uni but not in party bit. In Sheffield at least, the Uni (not SHU) accommodation is in the leafy suburbs. We had a plan for drinking - she would attend prinks and parties with softdrinks she had bought and slip off when she wanted as 3 drinks in, no-one cares or notices. She would also join a couple of societies.

It's worked well. She has managed and enjoyed living with her housemates - though they are all drinkers/clubbers to some degree. She has course mates and next year will live with a course mate and someone she met in a society. She loves the big city and the cultures available there. You will get that in Leeds, less so in Liverpool and Sheffield.

Being able to get home in a couple of hours and by train is always a huge bonus as a student.

Hope that helps. It was fine. I work in the sector so know the 18-25 year olds well. Yes, there is still a huge drinking culture but Gen Z drink and take drugs less than the Gen Xs and the millennials and I think are more accepting of difference and diversity (more tribalistic in my day) so you can usually find your people as well as being up to having some new experiences as well.

I would say give Halls a try.

It sounds as though you haven't really had much of an opportunity to find out who you really are yet. Uni is a great opportunity for finding things out about yourself. You might find that you like clubbing, you might like the odd drink. Go with an open mind.

You will probably 'do' Freshers week with your flatmates, because those are the only people you have met week 1. They are unlikely to be your friend's for life (unless you are very lucky). You will meet your friends through your course and your clubs/sports activities where you have common interests to start with. That doesn't mean that you can't get on with your flatmates and won't be friendly with them.

My advice would be to try and choose accommodation with larger flats - that way you have a better chance of getting on with some of them.

I think you point about being doubtful about home being a place where you can do uni work with all the noise etc is a valid one. If your flat is a bit noisy sometimes, you can always pop to the uni library to work.

I also think staying at home means that you are less likely to join in with clubs and societies at uni so restricting your social life even further.

I would choose the uni by looking very carefully atthe course modules for each - look at topics covered, what optional modules there are. which one offers the particular areas which interest you most, how the content is taught, how they are assessed etc. I would also see what sports and societies are available at each to see which offer things you are particularly interested in. And remember nearly all first years will be in the same position as you. Good luck with your decision.

I don't think your cooking will piss anyone off, usually anyone who can cook is seen as someone to befriend immediately

I have one child about to graduate and another in first year - I think you're focusing too much on life in halls. DD1 did make friends in halls and lived with them in second year but is now living with other people and has most of her friends from her course. DD2 never made friends with her halls mates at all but has built a really strong friendship group with people from her course and from her outside interests (poetry and the LGBT society) so it's possible to build a strong social life.

Lastly I would say that university is very different from school. You're much more likely to find your tribe there.

When I went to Leeds you could pick mixed sex, single sex, sober halls, even halls based on religion - there was a Jewish building where it was all kosher for example. I think opting to live at home the first year is a bit of a trap, you never fully get immersed in the whole experience and are thinking about getting that train or bus home or however you’d get there (assuming you’re in a suburb of manchester). You then have a self fulfilling prophecy of never fully forming good relationships so you think there aren’t any decent people and you don’t bother and it just goes round in circles!

Uni’s want to be very inclusive. I’d apply and put that you have mental health needs on the form and also that you don’t drink due to personal beliefs (I can’t work out if you’re saying you don’t want to drink at all or you want to dip into it but aren’t sure about it?). If you definitely are against drunken rowdiness you need to be in alcohol free accommodation, that is one thing that’s universal about uni - people will drink and get noisy, even the most studious physics students at Leeds who had 8am lab classes would have a few drinks and get lairy. It’s a rite of passage for many to be fair. Also with the cooking, after a while you will probably find you get your flat mates wanting some of your food if you’re a good cook and willing to make food for them, we had a lad who would always make a big chilli or lasagne or roast and we’d love it! But also be mindful of taking ages in the kitchen making a complex recipe - often people will want to use the kitchen at the same time as you and don’t want you using four pans on the hob and all the (very limited!) worktop space when they want to make their pan of plain pasta with cheese 🤣
Basically it’s about compromise, you need to have an open mind but also unis are very accommodating with personal needs and you will probably be best speaking with the accommodation officers at each one about your concerns. Don’t play things down, make sure you’re honest about things.

I read English at Leeds abd graduated in 1997. In 2 weekends time I'm meeting up with 3 of my uni friends - 1 who I met in my uni flat in my first year and who is one if my dearest friends. I was shy but realised if I didn't put myself out of my comfort zone I would have 3 lonely years. I talked to everyone then! Had a fabulous 3 years and glad I was far away from home in Oxford as I had to stand on my own two feet.

I graduate this year, after 4 years, and I know exactly what you mean as a very shy, sporty girl who doesn't drink.
I have found that the drinking culture isn't quite what it's made out to be, after freshers week people do go out obviously, but not as much as people make out. That said, if your parents can and will pay for a studio: take it. Grab that offer with both hands and do not let it go. I wish I could have had a studio, when I go back for my masters next year I've decided that if I don't get my scholarship for a flat I'm staying home. Get yourself your own flat and look into getting a house with mates in your second year, it is a bit harder to adjust that way but it's the way I wish I had been able to do it.
My other bit of advice is to join sports clubs/societies, I didn't make any close mates with my flatmates although I got on well enough with most of them and enjoyed living together, but my mates from my sports club are proper ride or die, lifelong friends.
TL;DR: get a studio flat and join a sports club to make friends.

@Furbaby2842

I went to uni in 2013 and drinking and clubbing was definitely a huge part of living in halls. In your situation I'd live in a studio flat and make friends at sports clubs instead

I went slightly earlier and would agree....BUT everything I've read suggests younger people drink loads less now, and while there's obviously still a lot of students who do drink the culture's changed a lot it's not as much of a thing as it was even 10 years ago.

OP I would definitely suggest trying halls first. Everyone I know who didn't live in halls found it so much harder to make friends. Particularly doing english which is a low contact degree so you don't get to chat to as many people as you do in a more interactive subject where you have loads of labs or practicals or whatever.

Is there a way you can look at how the various unis you are interested in allocate residency spaces? If so perhaps you could go for one where they do some sort of questionnaire and try and put quieter people/non drinkers together, compared to one (like where I went!) where it just seemed to be random names out of a hat!

Also, having done an English degree myself, I wouldn't rule out being able to live at home in any of the places you've mentioned, again because it's so low contact and so much stuff is online now. 2 of the people I lived with who did similar subjects never attended one lecture in their last 2 years and still got high 2.1s (RG unis) because they just viewed the course content online and did all the reading etc. Even if you attended your lectures I had 6hours a week (including tutorials) so you could always commute from home/stay overnight in a travelodge once a week etc.

If you're used to your sister making noise then you might not have such an issue with halls anyway? With some comfy in ear earplugs and your noise machine you won't be able to hear much! It's not even a case of suffering through it for a year, terms are really short (about 20 weeks total of actual teaching) and you can always go home on a weekend!

I've met people at uni & at work who don't drink for a variety of reasons

It never stops them socialising