To think university halls may be hell for me?

[Rompastom]

I am an 18 year old girl who has applied to go to university in September. My mum browses this forum and has advised me that there are lots of parents on here with kids my age that could offer some advise based on their experiences.

So I have applied to do English lit, my passion since being a child, at Manchester, MMU, Sheffield, Leeds, and Liverpool. I live in Manchester so opted for some ‘safe’ options to have the option to commute from home and be close to my family. You may have noticed I picked all northern cities too, just really close to my family and want to be somewhere cheap since I’m used to having a decent standard of living I also wanted the option of a studio flat and the rent is pretty cheap in all these cities. I wanted a big city since I’m used to living somewhere with loads to do, but I love Sheffield and the rural dynamic of it with the Peak District.

So my issue is this…. I have been really shy all my life until recently. I was bullied all through high school and pretty much had no genuine good best friends after primary school. I actually got anorexia during GCSEs due to the immense stress despite me getting amazing results. I think I poured all my stress into studying and having no social life helped. I had to go to outpatient treatment for 6 months and could have died due to my bad health. Thankfully fully recovered now 3 years on. The experience kind of made me start to not give a fuck, and I began to gain a lot of confidence. I still had bad mental health along with coronavirus so haven’t made any good friends at college and just have kept to myself.

I really am starting to feel like I haven’t ‘lived yet’ and am watching my youth pass me by and am wasting my life. I have never drank, partly due to my family being Muslim before they became atheists, and they barely ever drink. I also have never had a boyfriend, never gone clubbing. I want to do all that but being so out of it I feel like i’m scared of new experiences. I’m scared it’s a luck draw with flatmates and there is a high chance we won’t click and will argue. I’m scared of small things like them bringing rowdy mates in the kitchen and making me not want to go in, or taking the piss out of my cooking and complaining about the smell (I am south Asian and love to cook family curry recipes)…. Just ganging up on me I guess. My dad has said he had shitty experiences at Uni but also found some amazing friends and met my mum there, but he told me I will have to put up with a lot and learn to tolerate people and deal with situations.

Having been sober all my life I’m scared of the uk Uni drinking culture, I feel like I may be pressured to try to act cool, knowing my personality and how I’m currently desperate to make friends and ‘fit in’, whereas I don’t want to go crazy on the drinking, and am way more into sports and hobbies as an amateur boxer and powerlifter. I guess I want a happy medium, watch a movie, not go out clubbing every night, but still have fun. My dad told me it can get really noisy and I’m already a really light sleeper, need a fan for white noise every night…. Now I’m considering would flatmates be able to hear it and complain……

My parents have told me they would pay for me to have my own studio flat so I could socialise on my terms and not take a chance with the flatmates, but I feel like that could be isolating and lead me to make no friends. I feel like I could easily get a studio for the second and third years (or if I go to manchester live at home)…. And the first year should be a real student experience. I should be able to put up with not ideal flatmates for a year… but at the same time I’m not so sure.

Do most students make friends with their flatmates? I have always imagined it is them that you go out with during freshers week…. I also have a small feeling I would be lonely in a studio flat, I love having my family around to chat to and just having people there, and i imagine good friends could replace family in that way.

Another aspect is that my family is particularly close knit due to my younger sister having a severe disability and being nonverbal. It makes living at home really hard and stressful sometimes but it has also meant my mum and dad and me have been driven close together to cope. Living away would be freeing in a way for me from that. I can’t imagine doing Uni work due to the noise disruption she unfortunately causes due to her disability.

So would you suggest I pick Leeds, Sheffield or Liverpool to totally get away from my city and have a ‘fresh start’ and make do with any flatmates I get, move to them and get a studio flag to have my own space and not have kitchen/flat space worries…. Choose Manchester and live at halls to have the option to change to stay at home if I really can’t gel with the people in my flat, choose Manchester and live at home first year to get to know people and then maybe live with them later if I make good friends…..

Have any of your kids also had similar worries and how have they gotten on with the people in their flat?

Halls are generally wilder at the start so it might not be fair to judge based on the first term. But if you do go for a studio flat, you’ll definitely still make friends if you want to.

I went to Edge hill university and they had all female dormitories, they worked really well with men being absolutely barred. The females in residence all became much more like a cohesive group and a lot of the shy girls really blossomed with the friendship groups. Some stayed for a year, some for the entire degree. Could something like that be an option for you? Less pressure all around and with a higher density of female company much more likely to make friends. You don't have to commit to more than a term/year.

Genuinely, honestly from an old student and mother of three, jump in and do it. University is the biggest eye opening experience you will ever have and learning to live with others is such an important thing to do.

Your flat mates may not become your best friends but they will add diversity to your life and add to your perspective. I genuinely believe it is important to meet and mix with people away from your 'norm' to give you some idea of what life is like outside of your bubble.

It's been almost 20 years since I was at uni and I lived at home. I think I would have massively struggled in halls at 17 but I would probably have been ok in my own flat. A year in halls with people you just don't get on with is a long time so it depends whether or not you think you could hack it.

Just go and try it. Even if you don’t love the halls experience, you may well find your perfect friendship group through other clubs or societies. Also, the white noise you might find a small blue tooth speaker with a white noise app or some headphones might be more friendly for housemates.

Some uni's also have alcohol free halls of residence.

I get it, there's a lot of change and it's a lot to deal with, but my honest advice is jump on in there. Yes, it will be scary, yes you will have to overcome initial awkwardness, but I think it will come good. The cooking; I genuinely think most people will be impressed with it. Most people like that sort of food. Eating a meal you cooked may be a way you make friends. I have had some great meals with housemates over the years, only the other day an ex housemate messaged me to reminisce about them.

Another think I will say is that it sounds like you have a few coping mechanisms/ways of dealing with life that may get slightly upset with the change in living circumstances. It will probably feel stressful, but try to let it wash over you and don't get too hung up on things. I say this from personal experience. I was a bit rigid about some stuff and looking back I should have gone with the flow. You do need to rub along with people and learn slightly different ways of living. And no, I don't mean drinking if it's not your thing, but make sure you say yes to some things that you wouldn't necessarily have done, be that joining a society or something else. You will find your people.

Oh gosh you sound like me. I lived in a rented house with a few housemates rather than halls. I was not a drinker and hated clubbing. I still made friends on my course, with my housemates and through the clubs I joined. I was so happy with my decision not to stay in halls every time I visited my friends in halls

@Cherryblossoms85

I can't really speak to your specific concerns, but university is very different to school. Just so many more people from all backgrounds. You're very likely to find your people. You're also quite likely not to find them straight away. Don't let that put you off though.

Thank you. That honestly makes a lot of sense. I think I haven’t been exposed to a wide range of people and haven’t found ‘my people’ yet…. Especially with how cliquey and competitive high school was, I need to understand most people are adults now and we’re all over that at Uni

I’ll definitely bear that in mind and not be discouraged if things take time, thank you! I also will 100 percent learn from past mistakes and put myself out there and put effort into getting to know people from the start

It's been a very long time since I was in uni. Think of halls as high school speeded up. I made friends v quickly in my corridor, but found better ones elsewhere, with more in common, by the end of the year. I didn't actually find my corridor wild enough. They were a bit posh and a bit boring. I think I was the pita neighbour who had the males round.

Although, we did have a compulsive liar on our floor, so that was fun

Out of halls I made one lasting friend out of 5 flatmates. But living on campus was easy and made logistics of working with coursemates simpler. In the first year I made enough connections to get better company to live with in years 2 & 3.
It was the clubs and societies where I really found my tribe including DH and some of those friendships still going strong 20+ years later.

I chose to go 50 miles from home and a fairly straight forward journey. It was good to be clearly in a different area, but not inaccessible, especially in the early stages.

@Daffodilsdance

You sound similar to how I was at your age and I found halls were the making of me . I was at Aberystwyth and we all filled in questionnaires so they grouped hall mates together by similar interests and personalities. I made really good friends and had my first taste of independence. I would have found a studio flat too isolated and staying at home would make it difficult to focus on work . Good luck with whatever you choose x

Appreciate the advice and good luck! All the people I know at Uni (cousins and people from clubs and sports teams) are party animals or at least portray that kind of lifestyle so I guess I’m not just seeing people like me who don’t want to do that all the time.

That sounds really nice and a great idea, I hope my Uni choices have something similar. I think I read Sheffield even asks you to make little profiles of yourself and then you can almost ‘choose’ your flatmates and hallmates as you see them when you book the room. But even a little quiz would be great to find likeminded people.

I agree with you now! I think a studio was just me panicking a bit, on the student room forum some people seem to think if you can afford one you should go for it but most people do say it can get very isolating, and after living with a noisy and chaotic family, who have always been there, the solitude would probably make me mad

Thanks for the good luck! x

Only you know what will be best for you.

I would say your Dad seems to be projecting his fears into you from his experiences.

When I lived in university halls ( 20years ago!) They match you with similar people e.g. personality/ beliefs / drinking. I loved the people I lived with that first year and ended up.living in a shared house for the rest of my course. They are still good friends now.

It seems more normal now for students/ young people to not adopt the drinking culture of their parents in the 90s.

I’ve had 2 kids through Uni

You can choose “quiet” and/or no alcohol halls which may mean that your flatmates will be of similar attitude to you. However I would say that if you are in “normal” halls it actually might not be as bad as you fear and even if it is there is usually a lot of movement in the first weeks/months. Most prospective students have the same fears you express and you don’t necessarily need to spend that much time in your halls if you don’t want to.

I’d really urge you not to stay at home though. You really don’t feel part of it if you do and miss out on learning some great things about yourself and other people. Learning to live with and manage other people is a life skill you will need in the workplace. And as I say you may also meet your new lifelong best friends.

A little edit - I was way too exaggerative with that title, but being into English I knew it was a good way to draw attention haha

What I really mean I guess is do the positives of halls outbalance the negatives, and I just wanted to share my worries about certain things I’ve been hearing

Appreciate the replies so far! I’m slowly making my way through them to reply to each one of you. Hope I’m doing this mumsnet thing right but you are a very supportive community

@214BrunchDarling

Suggest go & visit some of the unis & towns if you can afford to before applying & find one that you like

You are over thinking everything

You just need to go & experience everything !

I’ve visited Sheffield, Manchester and MMU open days in person but only done virtual for Leeds and Liverpool due to what they were offering recently clashing with mock exams. But I’m going to visit them soon!

I actually haven’t been to Leeds yet, real wild card. But I love Sheffield and my aunt and uncle used to live there, would always visit them and explore the city on weekends. Liverpool I’ve been to once, and everyone is very friendly, it’s a typical big UK city with lots to see and do, definitely liked it.

OP it sounds like we are similar in quite a few ways - non-drinkers, adversity around GCSEs, lack of close friends at school/college etc. I'm currently finishing my degree at a RG uni not dissimilar to Manchester, Liverpool etc. When I went to uni I knew that living in halls/student accom wouldn't be an option for me and managed to find a little privately-rented flat.
I completely understand why you're anxious but honestly, drinking is not a make-or-break at uni. You can still go along to things and just order a soft drink - clubbing isn't particularly fun sober but I think most people rapidly lose interest in regularly going for really intense nights out after the first semester. Hanging out at friends' flats/going to bars or pubs is much nicer.
Living alone need not be socially isolating either. Through even occasional engagement with societies/pair discussions in seminars etc you will get to know people, and then you'll meet more people through them etc. It's great! Don't be deterred by fresher's week - almost no one finds their people during fresher's. I promise you if I could do it, so can you! When I finished A Levels I quite literally had one friend - at uni I've met my significant other with whom I now share a flat, and I regularly meet up with friends for coffees/meals out/games nights.
Everyone is different but I would say if you have the option of living in a studio go for it! That way you still get to socialise as much as you like but then you have a bolt hole. No one chooses their flatmates in first year so it's unlikely that you'd find your people by moving into student accom. Visit all the unis you've listed and decide which one you like - as long as it's a quick and easy train ride home you have the option of going back for the weekend if you're homesick.

You need to work out what is best for you with a history of ED as well - would living alone be a relapse risk, or would the stress of sharing a kitchen with near-strangers be an issue?

Do forgive the lack of paragraphing in my previous post

@Furbaby2842

I went to uni in 2013 and drinking and clubbing was definitely a huge part of living in halls. In your situation I'd live in a studio flat and make friends at sports clubs instead

Thanks for the recent view! The thing is I don’t plan to be totally teetotal or anything, just not go out literally all the time and get wasted every night like I see lots of people I’m in contact with at Uni do…. I’d love to go to sports practice on night, then go clubbing on the weekend, then have a chill night in with a movie that kinda thing.

Is the drinking and clubbing culture really full on, or can you just go out with mates whenever you’re up to it, and pass on nights you want to do something else or your own thing.

It’s good to get an alternative view though as post people seem to be telling me that the drinking culture has really calmed down and there are loads of other societies and things to do. I wasn’t sure whether to believe that

@Amei

Hello,

I think it's normal to have all these feelings when you go to uni! I went ten years ago (that makes me feel old) and loved (almost) every single second. And I barely drink, didn't always go out with my flat mates ect. But you make friends for life, we had a flat of 5 and two other flats either side and the 15 of us were like one big (and strange) family.

I went to uni in Liverpool and I'm still here now. I know they have some very very nice student accommodation and some of which have studio flats but in student accommodation, so maybe they have communal areas. I would personally stay in a flat though for at least the first year, you would have the chance to make friends and meet people and then if you decided it wasn't for you, you could either share a flat with one friend for your second and third year, or get a studio flat by yourself.

Also, if you went to Liverpool or Leeds you are only a 40 ish minute train from Manchester, so if you hated it that much you could go for long weekends at home each week.

If you have any questions about Liverpool feel free to ask xx

Hi! Thank you for such a long and detailed message. Great to hear as I’m not very familiar with Liverpool having only visited the city once so far.

That’s exactly what my parents were saying to reassure me, that they were like a big family with their flats and floors and even if one or two people didn’t get along it was never a huge deal and there were so many more to talk to.

I agree now thinking about it, a studio flat would just be so unsociable for the first year when you want to get out and about and get to know people as much as possible. Certainly an option with the nice ones they have for the later years though.

Yeah it’s so close, it’s closer than I used to travel to get to high school every morning which took an hour! I was going to apply to Brighton and Bristol but wimped out due to the distance and knew it would be hard to see family if I got really homesick.

What made you personally pick Liverpool to study in?

@WeirdlyKind

Look at private halls where you have your own studio but have easy access to a common room and social events. Best of both worlds!

I’ve seen some really beautiful accommodations like that but keep getting put off since people say it’s hard to make friends in them. Honestly don’t know what it would be like so I can’t predict if it would be or not

Hi OP!

It is usually better to try something than to not try it and wonder how it would have been. I agree that if you start off in a studio flat you could be lonely and feel left out. I’d suggest you TRY halls, or at least a houseshare. If you don’t like it, then 3 terms is not so long, and at least you tried. Halls are a very friendly place. Perhaps your flatmates will be vrry annoying, in which case you can either move out or just avoid them til summer. But perhaps they’ll become your closest friends snd give you an amazing time. I’d suggest you try.

Prefer a studoo flat? You can have a good social life there too, just make sure you are in a great location and that you go to freshers fair and join a LOT of clubs in the first term. You can always quit them! It’s the perfect m time to try new things.

As to uni choice - I had friends at Manchester Uni and at Sheffield, and, while all universities have a big drinking culture, the Manchester friend said it was a very very heavy drinking / clubbing uni. The Sheffiled friend did some clubbing, but it is a much healthier more outdoorsy city and she also did a lot of rock climbing and buddhist retreats etc. Of the unis you mention I would far prefer to go to Sheffield than any of the others.

I’m shy. It has been the bane of my life. I too don’t drink much - no religious reasons, I just find it dull and prefer a healthy liver. I feel for you. But now people often refer to me as an extrovert and I’m good at making new friends. It’s because I have learned to pretend. Pretend to be confident, pretend to be comfortable, order one drink and hold it while chatting and people won’t notice you aren’t drinking. Act as if you are the person you want to be, and you move closer to making it true.

Have a fabulous time, try new things, and if they suck, bin them and try something else.

xxxx

@user10497432

I was vvv shy and lived in halls. I met completely different people - privately educated, international students, party people, devout Christians, all different political beliefs and with very different personalities. It made me much more confident in dealing with people and opened my mind to different ways of living. I'm still friends with many 25 years later. Living alone would have been so isolating. It's natural to be nervous of the unfamiliar but it can benefit you in so many ways.

And if you hate it - move home, but at least you tried it.

You are honestly right, I feel like I have more to gain from it than lose and I’m going to grow as a person. I’m confident now to an extent but I have my family supporting me and have creature comforts, I don’t know what I’ll be like totally on my own, but I imagine I still will be confident enough to get to know people and have a good time.

I’m also so glad nowadays you can make WhatsApp and Facebook groups with potential flatmates and get to know people before you move in

I went to what was widely regarded as a party uni at the time I went.

Some weeks yes, I was out 7 nights a week. Other weeks I’d be out maybe once, the other nights were sports practice, library, generally staying in the flat and watching movies etc.

Either is possible, you are an adult, you get to make the decision about what you do each day - you don’t have to move as a group with your flat.

I personally wouldn’t have picked a studio flat - I needed the shared halls as a push to have to communicate with people in order to make friends with them.