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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 13:53

Do you think most women establish a career before kids or do it this way?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 13:55

And I absolutely do not for one second regret having my children. They Are the greatest most amazing human beings and have given me the drive to always be a better version of myself…more than I ever had

OP posts:

TheHumanSatsuma · 10/04/2022 13:55

It depends on so many different things, your circumstances, the child, the career you are considering. I had a year off with both my children and then they went to nursery full time. (My daughter went 1 then 2 dats a week from 6 months old as I was at uni. It wasn‘t easy.

Teeheehee1579 · 10/04/2022 13:57

I think you’ll find as many women establish a career before children as don’t. It doesn’t really matter what other women do does it - it matters what you want to do and crucially what you as a family can afford to do. If your DH earns more and would have to pay for you to retrain as well as nursery then that does not sound good timing to me at all. Wait until they are in school and then see where you are. Early 30’s is hardly getting on a bit and you certainly need to be damn sure that whatever you retrain in is what you really want to do.

brookstar · 10/04/2022 13:58

@Hollie93

So it’s a given when you be one a mum your career suffers?

No. It's not a given.

Lots of women manage to have a career and a family..... just like men do!!

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 14:00

@Hollie93

I feel like because I prioritised being with the kids and allowing DH to flourish with his career, I have messed up my own future? I wouldn’t change where I have been for the past 4 years for the world, I have had the most amazing time with them. I just hate feeling a failure

But that’s only been the last 4 years and would you really have wanted to/been able to retrain with very young children?

You don’t have a career because you didn’t do this between the ages of 18-30-that’s presumably because you prioritised other things. Your choice. But it wasn’t all because you prioritised your husband and kids.

ProseccoStorm · 10/04/2022 14:04

@Hollie93

You're not a failure. You've had children, managed to look after them and continue working. You're doing great. You're just now at a decision point in your life. It's good that you have this decision to make.

You have every right to want to pick up your career if you'd like to. Earning more doesn't give your DH the right to call the shots on your job and future. You also need to consider your pension, or what we're to happen if he fell ill, or was unable to carry on with his career.

I worked part time (32hrs) for a few years and am now back full time. It's been great for my career and I enjoy the balance in our relationship. Lots of women go back full time, just as some are part time.

P.S childcare comes from both your incomes. Ours is paid from the joint account. They are our children, they cost of their care is always shared

PatientlyWaiting21 · 10/04/2022 14:04

Nope I’ll be back full time when our girl is 9 months.

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 14:06

Another thing, my current job is shifts, 7-3, 8-4, 9-5. 12-8…if I was to go full time how would that work? Oh and 1 in 5 weekends x

OP posts:

Isonthecase · 10/04/2022 14:06

I think young kids do have a negative impact on your career and that's true for any involved parent. However, it doesn't need to write it off! Mine has just slowed down.

To add to the other poster, my husbands worked full time when we paid out pretty much the equivalent of his wage in childcare because it was right for him. In our case I just paid the big expenses so we had equal saving and spending money, and that included childcare. It's so easy to start thinking the job that earns less is less important.

veevee04 · 10/04/2022 14:06

@Hollie93

Do you think most women establish a career before kids or do it this way?

Not all I didn't , I've nearly finished my training. It's swings and roundabouts I've known a few who prioritise the career then when the time comes spend years TTC , spending lots of money on IVF treatments and sometimes it doesn't happen for them. I'm happy I had my DD young wish I would have been a little bit older but my DH is a high earner 6 figures , I've nearly qualified and I'm going to do my independent prescribing qualification. Those early years of sacrifice were worth it for us.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 10/04/2022 14:10

@Hollie93

So it’s a given when you be one a mum your career suffers?

Well this is the conundrum that women face when they have children. We are told to build our careers and have kids and that we can have it all but the reality is it's not always possible without a lot of support.

In many ways you are in a fortunate position to have a choice as you say your DH could support you without the need to work. You also have a plan for what you want to do, it is just a case of finding the right balance for your family to make it work. It is worth considering that although DC starting school is good to reduce nursery costs, school hours, school holidays and inset days are difficult to juggle when working as DCs get older unless you have a childminder or lots of family support.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 10/04/2022 14:12

It's a personal decision. I love working part time and know I wouldn't want to work full time. I'd never get anything done around the house and I love having time with my children in the week.

I work 3 days a week and it's great!

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 14:12

I really wasn’t interested pre kids, just cared about money if I’m honest

OP posts:

Neverreturntoathread · 10/04/2022 14:15

OP there is a thread somewhere on Mumsnet for second careers / retraining, you want to ask there, I think someone else had retrained as a midwife and was very happy.

AIBU is mostly trolls trying to wind up the OP unfortunately.

CarryonCovid · 10/04/2022 14:16

Do you think most women establish a career before kids or do It this way ?

I had DS 3 years after finishing University (medicine) but went back at 9m and just kept on plodding, some fantastic mentors, won't say it wasn't hard. DS is now 18 and I have just been offered a job for 144K so will be able to support him through University. There were times when after childcare and travel I had precious little left and would have much rather been at home with my babies. Friends of mine who took the mummy track, SAH or retrained are all now on minimum wage or just above jobs with very little pension provision. These are all highly intelligent degree educated women.

godmum56 · 10/04/2022 14:18

@Hollie93

Plus, you don’t get offered promotions when you are part time

I worked part time or jobshare for 30 years on and off and did ok for promotion....you need to show you can do it and WANT it

ProseccoStorm · 10/04/2022 14:20

@Hollie93

Another thing, my current job is shifts, 7-3, 8-4, 9-5. 12-8…if I was to go full time how would that work? Oh and 1 in 5 weekends x

That's challenging, you'll need DH support or a nanny I suspect.

Or, take this as an opportunity to find a new job. My sister has a new job as Head of Facilities and Property, she's part time (4 days) and remote.

Post Covid lots of roles are more flexible than they've ever been before. You might be surprised when you start looking. Salaries for new hires are also going up and up, much faster than existing hires in my sector.

Autumn42 · 10/04/2022 14:20

@Hollie93

It’s ok saying if you want a career, get yourself one, I need to know how. Hence why I have come on here to ask you lovely ladies for advice, you all seem to knowledgable about life I am so glad I came to this forum

I think as they others have said you need to stop looking at childcare as just your issue when it is 50% your partner’s issue, plus you need to think about what you really want and what might be beneficial in the long not just short term. You seem to have been sold a chip to put on your should by the strange ideology that’s doing the rounds that has twisted the benefits thankfully now available to many new parents of part time working (and maternity leave) into some enforced bind on you. Just because you’ll be better off financially working part time at the moment doesn’t mean you have to. When I was a single mother on benefits I would of just been better off getting a part time job in a local shop rather than going to university. I didn’t expect to have to be financially incentivised into to take the opportunity of training for my dream career and the part timer in the shop doesn’t need to be penalised either. I was just thankful both were viable options, I would still be able to afford the essentials for my kids going to uni even if wouldn’t have as much money for luxuries. If luxuries had been my priority I would of chosen the former. Start thinking about you really want and your priorities rather than looking at what would make you the best off financially in the short term, unless that really is your priority.

Throwntothewolves · 10/04/2022 14:26

OP many midwives work shifts too, so retraining won't solve that problem. What do you do now for childcare when you're working? Presumably you still do shifts, albeit part time.

My job is full time shiftwork always has been. DH works 9-5 Mon-Fri. He used to do shifts too but had to change job as it didn't work for childcare (it's not always the mum who takes the hit), most affordable options don't cover shift times.
We have used a variety of childcare over the years. The best option I found were childminders, who can often be flexible if you need different days each week, particularly if you are willing to pay more than the going rate. Other options are nursery, after school club, au pairs, nannies.
There is always a way to make it work if you have the means and really want to.

00deed1988 · 10/04/2022 14:27

@Hollie93

DH earns a really good wage and we could afford for me not to work, but I want to, obviously in case we split up. We can afford for me to retrain whilst I am working part time, it is midwifery! I understand money won’t be great but it is where my heart is and I will kick myself if I don’t do it.

I love being at home with the kids but resentful that DH has progressed and I haven’t and want that independence. We could afford full time childcare if he paid for most of it? Should
I really expect him to do that for me?

I totally get where you are coming from. I actually was meant to become a SAHM for 5 years but became resentful very quickly so decided to retrain. Yes, if you can afford it, let him pay for it. It will benefit you all in the longterm.

I would be wary of thinking you can work part-time while retraining. I started my access course when my youngest was 14 months. I could have worked when doing that. My midwifery degree, no way I could have worked, done the degree and been at all present as a parent. Maybe some bank shifts as a HCA (can do that at most trusts after 6 months of being a student) on weeks that didn't have as many lectures or on leave.

I only say it to prepare you, not to deter you. It was the best decision I ever made. I love my job with all my heart. I have been qualified nearly 3 years now. I work full time in outer London and before tax and pension I earnt £46k last year with all my nights/weekend pay top ups so not the worst wage in the world plus I do bank shifts when I want a top up like before a holiday, birthday or Christmas. If you have any questions feel free to DM me.

Good luck with it.

Livelovebehappy · 10/04/2022 14:27

To be honest, this conversation is one to have before you start planning to have children.

00deed1988 · 10/04/2022 14:30

@Hollie93

Another thing, my current job is shifts, 7-3, 8-4, 9-5. 12-8…if I was to go full time how would that work? Oh and 1 in 5 weekends x

If you wanted to work in a hospital once qualified, most places for the 1st year you would be expected to work in a hospital which is nights and weekends. 12.5 hour shifts.

If you then wanted to go to community a lot of the time there are on calls alongside the shifts and you would be expected to do weekends.

On both sides would definitely be significantly more than 1:5 weekends.

RantyAunty · 10/04/2022 14:30

What does midwifery pay? What would the hours be like?
Say you did end up on your own, would than be enough pay for you and 2DC to live on?

What type of work does your DH do?

Holidays27 · 10/04/2022 14:37

I worked part time for 14 years and held my career but it was what I wanted; I wanted to be around and be part of my children life and share as much time with them when they were little.

Working full time now for a bigger company in a more demanding role, lates 40s. I am glad I worked part time and spent lots of time with them as husband was busier and earns better; couldn’t have done it with young children

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