To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

[Hollie93]

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

@Hollie93

Feel like I should be a high flying lawyer spinning 6 thousand plates but I’m not and I really want to make them proud

So you think people are only proud of their parents if they have high flying careers? Come on now, you need to get a grip a bit.

[quote Hollie93]@veevee04 how old are you if you don’t mind me asking? And how did you manage it?[/quote]
29 born in 93 ! Had my DD aged 20

I always worked full time even with babies (am a lawyer) and my children's father - teacher - also has always worked full time. We paid for full time childcare including when we had 3 children under 4!

What would you earn in your current job if you went full time?

What will you earn as a full time midwife and what will it cost in tuition fees/childcare to get you there?

What do you envisage life will be like as a midwife when you are working full time-who will do the childcare/school drop offs of you are working non-typical hours? Will your DH be on board/supportive?

If your current job is standard hours and pays about the same full time, is it worth tens of thousands of pounds worth of student loans?

You seem to be making a plan for ‘just in case your husband leaves you. If he leaves you and you are working full time as a midwife-how would childcare work if you are working 12 hour night shifts?

I know where you're coming from @Hollie93.

I had no idea what I wanted to do pre kids. I had some mental health issues, screwed up my degree, fell into the first job that would have me, and haven't progressed since. I'm in the NHS, but only as a band 2. Part time, set shifts, and DH has to do all the pick up + drop offs on the days I work, as start and finish times are before and after nursery hours. We have no other local help. I love my job, but if I want to do more (and I do), I'll have to retrain. But the thought is so daunting. DH earns 6-7 times what I do. He'd be entirely supportive of me retraining, but I don't think he has any idea of the amount of slack he'll have to pick up during placements. After qualification, who knows what he'd want to put up with.

It's nothing more than an idea for now. There's 4 years before DC2 is in school. I'll be 40 before anything can happen now. I've massively wasted my life before having kids and is a huge regret. I feel like am a huge failure, but if anything, at least I'll be able to advise my kids to not follow my footsteps.

No advice, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope you find and get to do something you want to do that gives you purpose. Then you can come back in a few years to let me know it can be done and it's never too late.

Being a HCP is something you can dip in and out off and climb the career ladder later in life. My MIL remained a part time staff nurse working one shift a week it wasn't until her DCs were 14/15 she decided to work full time and climb the career ladder now a band 8 very senior and getting ready to retire on a nice pension.

@SucculentChalice don't mean to derail the thread and I'm not trying to use you as a replacement for google, but I would love any perspective you have on jobs that a lawyer's training would help with, that aren't necessarily being a solicitor per se. I've considered law as one retraining option but haven't quite managed to figure out what sort of "peripheral" jobs there are in the field. Are there many/any that are potentially remote working? No worries if you don't have time to answer this.

@Shinyandnew1

What would you earn in your current job if you went full time?

What will you earn as a full time midwife and what will it cost in tuition fees/childcare to get you there?

What do you envisage life will be like as a midwife when you are working full time-who will do the childcare/school drop offs of you are working non-typical hours? Will your DH be on board/supportive?

If your current job is standard hours and pays about the same full time, is it worth tens of thousands of pounds worth of student loans?

You seem to be making a plan for ‘just in case your husband leaves you. If he leaves you and you are working full time as a midwife-how would childcare work if you are working 12 hour night shifts?

There's community midwife roles that have more typical hours. Many nurses I know with young children work 9-5 in community teams.

I agree that you need to try to work on your self esteem and self worth before you do anything else. Then you will have the confidence to decide what you really want to do and be able to verbalise that to your DH.

I also don't think that kids view their parents as 'failures' if they don't have a particular job.

There's community midwife roles that have more typical hours.

Ah, that’s interesting. I know loads of midwives and nurses (we live v. close to a hospital) and all work night shifts-I assumed that was usual.

I agree with others that OP's title is misleading. This is not an issue about working part time holding back a woman's career (which clearly it can, although it doesn't have to) but whether it's reasonable to expect DH to pay for her to retrain whilst also paying for childcare. All the "of course he should pay for childcare" posts seem to be missing this - it's one thing to split paying for childcare while both parents are working; quite another to pay for childcare while one adult is not working or only earning a small amount - simply because that's not financially possible in a lot of households so simply saying "of course" DH should pay will not magic up money.

In answer to OP's question about jobs/careers - I think ideally women should have a career already established before they have children if they want to work part time. This not only means they are in a position to continue to progress (even if they choose not to do this while their children are very young) and/or have sufficient transferable skills to move to a different career path later.

If you have more of a job (which I would define more as something that pays the bills rather than something offering progression) pre-children then it's always going to be harder to upskill as a parent with children than it would be to do this pre-children. That's harder in terms of time, energy, but mostly money because when you are supporting a family, they have to come first.

@Hollie93

I have honestly learnt so much about life reading these forums, I’m addicted! You are all so lovely thank you for your help and advice.

Honestly….what would you do in my position? Am I really not a failure?

Your first step is self-belief. Get some!

Second - try and identify what you want from life and work. Decent salary? Flexibility? Esteem? Power? Control? Admiration of others? What skills do you have/want? Career coach or even some books from the library could help here.

(You don't sound certain about midwifery - I suspect it's something you're now familiar with as you've now had children, and associate with a career. The reality from what I read on here is very different - the course is oversubscribed 20 to 1, pay and conditions awful and many leave after a very short time. You need some voluntary experience to get a place and you need to be aware of the realities of the job - search on MN).

Third - when you've worked out what you want, identify some potential careers, research them, then work out how to get there. You could turn your current job into a career, or retrain for something completely different.

But don't blame your husband or dc - you didn't have a career before - that's your problem, not them. (Though you may need to get firm with the husband if he doesn't value your career potential.)

So it’s a given when you be one a mum your career suffers?

Pretty much. There are exceptions to the rule of course, but statistically it will likely take a hit.

Even if you work full time, the bulk of the burden of sick days and school stuff and medical stuff will fall to you. You won’t be able to easily work late or go in early or do that networking event. Your husband has already indicated his job is more important than yours, I doubt he will pick up any of this stuff.

It it utterly shit but there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it.

My friend retrained as a midwife when her youngest started school. Her husband footed the bill for the wrap around childcare and fees. Why wouldn’t he...his career and earning potential had increased as she footed the bill for that in terms of unpaid work for 5 years. She is now a qualified midwife and they both work, earn and are happy as are their children. Go for it!

This all sounds like bad timing. Why do you need to retrain right now? Give it a few years when your DC is older and in school, less childcare costs needed and for now go back to full time in your current job if you want more money.
Suddenly wanting a new career and worrying about your marriage going down the pan seems a bit odd. It there more going on behind the scenes?

My advice to all women get as high up the ladder as you possibly can before you have children and if you can’t do that get as high up the ladder whilst you only have one child and if you can’t do that, do what you can with two but do not come off the ladder.

I know everybody thinks that everybody else is having a marvellously for filling career, they truly are not but the way you get on in life is with consistency so staying working at a job getting promoted within it’s becoming better at it being able to command a higher salary, more flexibility with seniority. Aposed to chopping and changing jobs and careers, starting again every single time and it really isn’t helpful or conducive to earning good money.

I don't think working part time is the norm anymore.

I recruit for school hours jobs, quite a bit above minimum wage but low paid because short hours. A decade ago we got literally 100s of applications, now we really struggle to fill them. I think it's because some many mums work FT from when DC are babies, so there isn't the pool of mums looking for a few hours around school when they start school.

I’ve recently completed the qualifications in my new career and I am early 40s. I also worked part time when kids were younger and then started to retrain in my late 30s. My kids were finishing primary school at that time and I’m glad I didn’t start any earlier as at this age they could understand the need to study and that there were times when I couldn’t give them as much time and attention as usual. I feel like they have witnessed what a degree involves and how to juggle study with other commitments. If you can juggle study with younger kids go for it now. You will get there, either sooner or slightly later.

I feel like because I prioritised being with the kids and allowing DH to flourish with his career, I have messed up my own future? I wouldn’t change where I have been for the past 4 years for the world, I have had the most amazing time with them. I just hate feeling a failure

You've got zero confidence and almost no ambition because you and your husband have decided its not worth it for you to retrain. Well mainly him, but you're following suit.

If he earns enough to cover all costs in the house including childcare, I'd tell him to fuck off on his opinion then, quit my job and sign up for full time midwifery. You get grants to do that you know, you'd get money to study it. Or at least you used to, they used to be crying out for people to do midwifery and dentistry.

He can cover the costs for a few years, then you'll be earning a good wage too and have a career.

I'm doing this with my partner. He wants to retrain in something else, I earn a decent amount so can cover costs for him to do that. That's called a partnership. He'll probably eventually out earn me too if he gets the job he wants so works out well for both of us. More money coming in which in these times is a good idea.

@Hollie93

I feel like because I prioritised being with the kids and allowing DH to flourish with his career, I have messed up my own future? I wouldn’t change where I have been for the past 4 years for the world, I have had the most amazing time with them. I just hate feeling a failure

Is he gonna be supportive of you doing shiftwork as a midwife I think that’s the first thing you need to thrash out because I’ve seen marriages disintegrate where one of them has gone into the field of medicine.

I gave up my career due to a number of circumstances including having 2 babies very close together (15 months apart). My ex husband worked long hours in London (commuting) and childcare was expensive so I stayed at home. I wouldn’t do that again given a chance. Fast forward 7 years, I just started to work part time and my husband leaves me. Very early on I realised I was not going to coast along working part time and reliant on tax credits, it wasn’t the life I wanted. I worked really hard upskilling myself with professional qualifications (bask to the industry I worked in prior to kids I would have liked to have changed careers but had to be realistic on how I could earn a good salary) 9 years down the line I run a successful business and work full time. I have remarried but I have rebuilt my career and business and I will never be In a position again where I would need to rely on a man for financial support.
If you can make working work for you family, so it. It’s not just the hard work required to rebuild a career it’s the years of lost pension contributions whilst you’ve sat at home. It makes you vulnerable.

You’re not a failure, you’ve achieved so much already by producing and nurturing children. And when you achieve your qualifications and your dream career it will feel all the more amazing as your whole family will be so proud of you. You have 25 years plus of working life ahead of you so plenty of time to retrain and progress in a career.

There is more than one way to progress a career.

Firstly - do you really need a degree? That's 3 years where you aren't earning. Are there other ways you can upskill without doing a degree? Will your current employer develop your career if you ask, pay for courses etc.? If not, are there roles you could apply for now that could.

Ok it's not midwifery, but as other people have said midwifery doesn't always fit well around family life and is very stressful and not especially well paid. Instead of those years of study, you might increase your earning power considerably by staying in the workforce with strategic thinking and job moves.

You make most money and progress fastest in any job by moving companies fairly frequently and always applying for roles slightly above your experience level. That's how men do it. They tend to be more comfortable with saying "I can do that" even if it's above their current skill set. Yes this can be stressful, but I guarantee working as a midwife in the NHS can be more so.

I remember reading a book on career development years ago called "What colour is your parachute". A lot of it is US based and there's some religious stuff that isn't relevant. But the thing that stuck with me was the advice "Do not go back to school, unless you have researched and there is absolutely no other way". Education is expensive and time consuming and often there is another way.

My DH earns less than cost of our childcare (twins plus one) he still works full time as do I (I earn x3) - if it was that important to you then you'd take the financial hit for a couple of years. Saying it's down to the cost of childcare is just an excuse in your position

So often the way, even if men are the lower earner they rarely go pt.