How do I deal with being a woman here??

[NewJobPerhaps]

I’d love your wise words on my work situation.

To start I enjoy my work, I’m paid well (very well for the sector and probably a lot more than I’d get elsewhere) and I don’t have any financial support from elsewhere, it’s just me and my DD. Small workplace, one director, no HR.

There’s two problems:

1. I’m harassed by a regular supplier. He unnecessarily visits the office, stares at my tits, calls me ‘terms of endearment’ such as sweetie, darling, etc. and generally makes my skin crawl. The boss is aware and I’m banned from mentioning it as it makes him uncomfortable!!

1. We have an outrageous woman hating client.

At a meeting last week he actually used the words, ‘typical woman what do you expect’! My colleagues were shocked but didn’t call him out (because he’s high value client). He speaks to me like I’m there to make the tea and mostly like I’m an idiot. I’m neither.

It’s a male dominated industry but any advice? I can’t leave as I’ll never find anything as well paid and at nearly 50 I think I’ve missed the boat. Not really an AIBU but what can I do?

Just looking to rant really and ask for any coping strategies?

@NewJobPerhaps

I’d love your wise words on my work situation.

To start I enjoy my work, I’m paid well (very well for the sector and probably a lot more than I’d get elsewhere) and I don’t have any financial support from elsewhere, it’s just me and my DD. Small workplace, one director, no HR.

There’s two problems:

1. I’m harassed by a regular supplier. He unnecessarily visits the office, stares at my tits, calls me ‘terms of endearment’ such as sweetie, darling, etc. and generally makes my skin crawl. The boss is aware and I’m banned from mentioning it as it makes him uncomfortable!!

1. We have an outrageous woman hating client.

At a meeting last week he actually used the words, ‘typical woman what do you expect’! My colleagues were shocked but didn’t call him out (because he’s high value client). He speaks to me like I’m there to make the tea and mostly like I’m an idiot. I’m neither.

It’s a male dominated industry but any advice? I can’t leave as I’ll never find anything as well paid and at nearly 50 I think I’ve missed the boat. Not really an AIBU but what can I do?

Just looking to rant really and ask for any coping strategies?

Stand up for yourself!

Tell colleague to stop using darling etc, this is a real pet hate of mine! Ask him why he's staring, make him look small for doing so.

Client is more tricky. But I've found people like this do back down when slightly challenged, so when he says "typical woman" ask him to explain how being a woman made whatever he's talking about happen.

Do you wonder why the company is offering such good wages, that would appear to be more than sector average? Probably because they are trying to retain staff and as they can't do it by offering a decent working environment, they pay over the odds to attract and keep staff.

Sorry should add, this happened to me!

Local company offering great salary, I thought I'd really fallen on my feet, left a long term position and joined them.

I soon found out why they offered that salary, nightmare to work with! Soon left I'm afraid.

Their turnover of staff was extreme.

@HELLITHURT undoubtedly the salary is high to retain staff and I enjoy the majority of the work.

It’s just a minority of men who still think it’s ok to undermine and harass women for doing their job.

The woman hating client is almost 80 so he’s worked in a world that didn’t challenge his behaviour. The supplier should know better.

Thanks for responding to my rant.

[quote NewJobPerhaps]@HELLITHURT undoubtedly the salary is high to retain staff and I enjoy the majority of the work.

It’s just a minority of men who still think it’s ok to undermine and harass women for doing their job.

The woman hating client is almost 80 so he’s worked in a world that didn’t challenge his behaviour. The supplier should know better.

Thanks for responding to my rant.[/quote]
Challenge the men! I work in a really male orientated sector. I go right back at them. They soon back down!

Being 80 is not an excuse.

Could the supplier perhaps be changed? If you dont need to deal with him, could you not be around when he comes, or lock your office door?

Honestly? In this situation with the good pay, liking everything else and the guy being 80, I would ignore it. I would just about ever talking to them as much as I can and call them all sorts of names in my head.

But I wouldn't risk causing any issues over an 80 year twat. I just wouldn't.

And yeah, I hate myself a little bit for that because I know I'm wrong and should challenge it. But I'd be too scared to lose the money for my and Child

Gos I suck

• would just avoid talking to them

Fucking hell, my typing sucks just as much as I do

This wouldn't normally be my advice but if the guy is 80 he's not going to be bothering you for much longer is he?

I'd stick this one out and play the long game if the moneys good.

@Porcupineintherough yes the supplier could be changed. I need him to finish something we’re working on but he should do that by the summer. I’ll stop using him. I’ve been considering this but felt bad about it, but fuck him, he’s a slime.

@sparklefarts I do try to ignore it, it’s not always easy. When he calls my heart sinks! He’s also a bit dumb and needs the quite obvious explaining to him (by a stupid woman!) which doesn’t help!

Banned from mentioning being a victim of sexual harassment because it makes your boss uncomfortable? Aw, the poor baba! 🙄

This treatment is against the law. It's your boss's responsibility to ensure you are protected from harassment under the Equality Act. Tell him to step up or you'll be taking it further. Check if there is a grievance policy. If you need support, contact ACAS. www.acas.org.uk/contact

Is there any way you can avoid the client and not have to work with him? Supplier you need to be clear with and not laugh along with him to make it stop…

To be honest, the two situations you’ve described, I think I could cope with for the high salary and enjoyable work. The supplier - say something. Either start calling him darling and sweetie back - whilst staring at his crotch, or say ‘my name is X and I do prefer that to the pet names please. Also - my eyes are up here’.

The client - well, he’s old and he helps to pay everyone’s wages. If it’s not a culture, and it’s just him and everyone was shocked. I would just laugh and keep reminding yourself it’s his problem. If it made you feel better you could put in some faux jokey digs ‘oh Clive, I know in YOUR DAY women just made the tea, but we’ve moved on from there. But seeing as it’s you, just this one time I’ll make you a drink.’

Friday was an all time low. Both of these problem men affected me and my boss was a mardy so and so.
It’s just a bit fresh and I’m dreading Monday. I try to rise above it but it’s not always easy.

Have worked in similar environments- firstly 80 year old client I would push back a little but jokingly e.g quipped back “typical male response “ and laugh as though it is banter!

The supplier - who has the power - you pay them it’s you - he wants your business? Again I can be quite snippy “ staring at my tits wasn’t part of our deal” laugh calling him out on it always in front of others. With your boss talk to him about it - say you like the job but these things are getting you down. Friendly but firm say it as you have said here and maybe in a wider forum even follow up with an email be nice - almost I would hate it to get to the point I start looking for a new job. Employing new people in a small business is a nightmare.

Thanks all, it’s comforting (if not disappointing) that others have dealt with this sort of behaviour.
The younger men are so much better behaved, thank god the world is moving on.
I was so proud of my 16 yr old nephew calling out his father (my brother) for sexist and homophobic comments. I hope the workplace is a better environment for my DD.

Start documenting every incident of harassment and abuse. Tell your employer that you are doing this and that if things don't change you will use this as evidence against them at an Employment Tribunal for constructive unfair dismissal. Tell the employer you want their support to deal with these two specific situations.
The supplier should be told to stop or be reported to their employer or lose the business. The 80 year old should be told to treat you respectfully or the company will not work with them again. If your employer does not do this seek legal advice. A claim against your employer will do much more damage than the loss of one old mans business

The supplier you should be able to politely challenge, ask him to address you professionally, you work for the customer after all

Clients are more tricky, they pay the wages, can you make polite excuses to avoid those client meetings?

@NewJobPerhaps

Friday was an all time low. Both of these problem men affected me and my boss was a mardy so and so. It’s just a bit fresh and I’m dreading Monday. I try to rise above it but it’s not always easy.

I'd be saying to the supplier, carry on with this nonsense abs you won't be supply us anymore!

Give as good as you get. Job done.

I’m with HELLITHURT - Tell the supplier “The bit of me that buys is up here” and point to your face and, with the terms of endearment, say “Oh, have you brought your invisible wife to meet me?”

Can you perhaps suggest that they put cameras in for “security”? Then you will have records of this guy’s behaviours and your boss’s responses when you bring it up. You may find that ACAS would have a lot to say about it (once you’ve been there long enough.)

*In the meantime, keep detailed diarised notes about both.

The advice on this thread to sue is naive. You need the money and, as someone senior, who won’t be able to get as paid elsewhere, you’re going to have to learn to live with it. Definitely stop using the supplier. To be honest as it sounds like you have the ability to make that call, I’d be doing it now. And if you aren’t going to make that call then you should call him out on the behaviour. It sound like 2 isolated people, you could go elsewhere and your boss would be like this.

What part of the country is this. Sounds horrendous op.