How do I deal with being a woman here??

[NewJobPerhaps]

I’d love your wise words on my work situation.

To start I enjoy my work, I’m paid well (very well for the sector and probably a lot more than I’d get elsewhere) and I don’t have any financial support from elsewhere, it’s just me and my DD. Small workplace, one director, no HR.

There’s two problems:

1. I’m harassed by a regular supplier. He unnecessarily visits the office, stares at my tits, calls me ‘terms of endearment’ such as sweetie, darling, etc. and generally makes my skin crawl. The boss is aware and I’m banned from mentioning it as it makes him uncomfortable!!

1. We have an outrageous woman hating client.

At a meeting last week he actually used the words, ‘typical woman what do you expect’! My colleagues were shocked but didn’t call him out (because he’s high value client). He speaks to me like I’m there to make the tea and mostly like I’m an idiot. I’m neither.

It’s a male dominated industry but any advice? I can’t leave as I’ll never find anything as well paid and at nearly 50 I think I’ve missed the boat. Not really an AIBU but what can I do?

Just looking to rant really and ask for any coping strategies?

@Notjustanymum

I had a colleague who constantly stared at my tits. In a meeting, in front of everyone, when he was speaking to my tits, I responded very sharply: “I’m up here, Peter”, pointing to my face. Everyone laughed, it embarrassed him and he never did it again - nor did any of the other men, who, realising I’d not hesitate to call them out on it, amended their behaviour around me.

I like the 'I'm up here, Peter' advice.

I used to work in a private alternative medicine practice and experienced something similar with one client who, after several weeks of staring, went so far as to comment on my breasts, I suspect he thought I'd be flattered.

I wasn't and he was as creepy as hell.

I wasn't rude to him but I very calmly made it clear to him that I wasn't going stand for comments like that.

He apologised and behaved himself from then on.

Regarding all the posters saying your supplier is 80 so he won't be around much longer I wouldn't be too sure, my exh is 86 and is still working in his business, seeing clients and going into the office each day.

Getting a different supplier sounds like a good plan.

Whatever you do don't start dressing differently.

As far as the other guy is concerned, it's annoying but tbh I'd let it go, apart from perhaps asking him questions like 'in what way was the woman typical', or perhaps making 'typical man, what do you expect' type remarks to him.

Whatever you say to him you won't change him and if he know he's offending you he'll probably enjoy the idea and do it all the more.

If your boss refuses to do anything keep a log of it all. You can politely tell your boss that at a tribunal sexual harassment would be taken very seriously! Do you have a union you can join?

I worked with some patronising arseholes in a Male environment. But I had team members at my back. You give as good at you get. It shuts these type of people down but you need to do it in the first few interactions really.

The person who was patronising me I asked him something and didnt get my answer so I asked how such a high up person didnt know these things and he was lovely to me after that! He wasnt being sexist. He just wanted to appear God like in his position of power. Bringing him down off his own pedestal stopped the God complex as you cant be God like and not know what your talking about.

Ask if you have split something on your top asertively because he is starting at your top and want to know what he is staring at.

Ask what typical woman means. That one might stay a arsehole but he wont do it to you again.

Just tell him you are now Nigel and a man.

“you need to do it in the first few interactions really. “

Great point - humour is sooo much harder in real life......

I know 80 year old men who wouldn't dream of behaving like this client. It's nothing to do with age and everything to do with his attitude towards women.

These types of people have to be told their behaviour is unacceptable. I work in a male dominated industry and while there’s never been an issue within the office from the men, we actually had more of an issue with female client staff. They treat the men as professionals and females (with the same qualifications and roles as those men) are referred to as “those wee girls”. But it stopped after it was pointed out.

Your boss's weak point is that he needs that supplier. The supplier's weak point is that he needs the company to buy his goods. When that business relationship goes tits up one of them will dump the other.

You have a close knowledge of how the business works and their mutual dependence . So you also know where Boss and his client are most vulnerable to any unfortunate delays, errors, misunderstandings etc.

Just be your discreet and efficient self.

Op you need 2bazookas in your life :)

Smart points.

@CatherinedeBourgh

I'm from a country where these behaviours are rife, I was brought up with them.

In my experience, the most effective thing is to call them out but while smiling. So for example, if a supplier calls you 'darling' you answer (with a big smile) 'You know, it's 2022, you could get into very big trouble for calling a woman that at work. You have heard about me too, haven't you?'

For the sexist old codger, you treat him as if he needed explaining because of his age. So if he says 'typical woman' you answer (with big smile) 'maybe of your generation, but in our generation women are perfectly competent to ....' (and big smile).

Makes them horrendously uncomfortable, and then they think again next time because they don't want to be uncomfortable (not because they've seen the error of their ways, unfortunately).

Would you mind saying what country it is so I can avoid such a sexist country please ?

I have lived and worked in 8 countries and sadly this kind of thing would be absolutely par for the course, no one even batting an eyelid in half of them.

The world is still largely a very sexist place.