SIL being a CF?

[Shinyballs]

My children play a popular online game with their cousin. They pay for a server out of their own money so they can play with close friends and cousins without me worrying about strangers. My ex-SIL has asked that they stop playing with their cousin at 8 pm as he needs to get to bed. I agreed as I would like my younger son to start getting ready for bed at that time as well. However, this apparently means that after 8pm, my children have to stop playing online as well, and if they continue playing with each other after 8. (weekends for example or holidays) then it is UNFAIR and I am not sticking to the rules. It is possible for my nephew to tell if they have played after a certain time the next time he logs on somehow. One of my children is significantly older and doesn't go to bed at 8.

This is one of many disagreements I am currently having with my ex-SIL about online gaming. I am happy to ask my children to stop playing online with their cousin to help get him to bed at a decent time, but I don't see why this rule extends to what happens in my house after this time. She has also decided that it is not fair that my children play online together when her son can't. There is a lot of context obviously but the bare bones is that my children pay for this space out of their own pocket money, why should she try to control when they can and can't access it.

@Savingpeoplehuntingthings

Hi SIL. you seem to have misunderstood, when I agreed to stopping play at 8pm I meant that my kids would stop playing with yours at 8 obviously I'm not going to completely stop my older children from playing a game they pay for at a time to suit you. If nephew is upset by this maybe he's not mature enough to be playing, I'll remove him from the game/server.

This is the suggested response I think was best on this thread

What type of government style would this be ? E.g. If one cannot do x then others cannot to until the others can do x then everyone can ?

@Tomnooktoldmeto

Honestly as a mum in a family of people with ASD the control with a capital C and rules make me think that ex sil is also probably on the spectrum

When you view it in that context she WILL think she’s being perfectly reasonable and it needs spelling out clearly but kindly that it’s not and that these are your rules and your kids

Very perceptive of you. It is suspected. She says she has mental health issues but I think she is undiagnosed on the spectrum and has had little support. As a result I have to be careful and mindful with how I respond and interact with her.

@Poppinjay

I agree that she's probably struggling and also neurodiverse herself.

This means she could find it hard to think about things from someone else's perspective, especially if she's dealing with daily meltdowns from her DS.

You can help her by explaining politely and clearly that what she is asking would not be reasonable from your point of view but that you're happy to ask your DC try not to mention having played while your DN is offline so life isn't any more challenging for her than it has to be.

Yes I agree. Every time my children make a stand and remove my nephew from the realm for being too controlling, she has to deal with the fall out at her end and I don't think she can cope. I have had her calling me 9.45 on a Sunday night asking me why her son is having a meltdown because he has either been removed or has reaiized that one of my children has been on the realm.

As a result I am struggling with managing her behaviour and setting boundaries.

I think she is undiagnosed on the spectrum and has had little support.

It's hard to help when you're in this position. It isn't acceptable to suggest to someone that they may have a neurodevelopmental disorder but, on the other hand, the self-awareness that comes with that realisation can be life-changing.

You sound thoughtful and supportive, while also recognising that you don't have to go to unreasonable lengths to keep her and your DN happy. I hope things get easier.

@Tomnooktoldmeto

Honestly as a mum in a family of people with ASD the control with a capital C and rules make me think that ex sil is also probably on the spectrum

When you view it in that context she WILL think she’s being perfectly reasonable and it needs spelling out clearly but kindly that it’s not and that these are your rules and your kids

Control with a capital C! 🤣 Love it! (Mother to a child on the spectrum!) So accurate!

No offence intended by the way. I wouldn't want my child to be any different than who she is