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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL being a CF?

132 replies

Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 20:51

My children play a popular online game with their cousin. They pay for a server out of their own money so they can play with close friends and cousins without me worrying about strangers. My ex-SIL has asked that they stop playing with their cousin at 8 pm as he needs to get to bed. I agreed as I would like my younger son to start getting ready for bed at that time as well. However, this apparently means that after 8pm, my children have to stop playing online as well, and if they continue playing with each other after 8. (weekends for example or holidays) then it is UNFAIR and I am not sticking to the rules. It is possible for my nephew to tell if they have played after a certain time the next time he logs on somehow. One of my children is significantly older and doesn't go to bed at 8.

This is one of many disagreements I am currently having with my ex-SIL about online gaming. I am happy to ask my children to stop playing online with their cousin to help get him to bed at a decent time, but I don't see why this rule extends to what happens in my house after this time. She has also decided that it is not fair that my children play online together when her son can't. There is a lot of context obviously but the bare bones is that my children pay for this space out of their own pocket money, why should she try to control when they can and can't access it.

OP posts:
FreetheKhalo · 09/04/2022 22:22

Tell her that as it’s your kids server you get to plan the rules, from now on it is compulsory that they all play until 3am with no breaks. It might help her see she’s batshit!

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 09/04/2022 22:25

Tbh, you really don't need to agree to other parent's terms. And if your dc is way older than sil's dc, why are they playing together?

I'm a gamer, and so is my dc. But we have clear rule no gaming after 8. It spoils life for us. But I don't expect his friends to stop playing.

Quincythequince · 09/04/2022 22:27

She’s batshit! Tell her to piss off and manage her own kids, whilst you manage yours.
Ridiculous woman!

Glittersparkle76 · 09/04/2022 22:27

It doesn't matter what age your children are,they stop playing when YOU say so,not when the SIL says so!,who does she think she is dictating to you that because her son isn't allowed to play then neither should yours!,that's beyond crazy. You don't have to explain yourself to her,your children,your rules.

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 22:29

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

Tbh, you really don't need to agree to other parent's terms. And if your dc is way older than sil's dc, why are they playing together?

I'm a gamer, and so is my dc. But we have clear rule no gaming after 8. It spoils life for us. But I don't expect his friends to stop playing.

One of them is older, old enough not to have a bedtime at 8. They have a shared interest which is why they play together.
OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 22:31

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

You could suggest to SIL that she pays for a realm for her DC and then they could play with him on that realm. Though knowing my DC they wouldn't want to go on a new realm and start their builds again. Does your nephew have many friends outside his cousins? My DC are all Autistic but one in particular has a very black and white view and if he's decided something is unfair it can be virtually impossible to change that. He's the one that doesn't have many friends and struggles with feeling left out. Maybe it's something like that. I feel fiercely protective of my little guy, but I still wouldn't try to control another house's gaming. What looks like control could be sheer desperation.
I have made this suggestion and we are working on it. Yes ASD is part of the situation with her child. It means stuff is not as simple and more support and compassion are needed however because of this I feel my boundaries are being pushed and I just needed some people to talk sense to me!
OP posts:
Sushi7 · 09/04/2022 22:36

@Shinyballs text her (if you haven’t already): “Hi SIL. Sorry but that rule doesn’t work for us. My ds is much older than yours and has a later bedtime. My ds uses his pocket money to pay for the server that all our dc play on. I can send you a link about how to purchase a server for your ds? That way he can keep track of his own achievements?”

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 22:40

[quote Sushi7]@Shinyballs text her (if you haven’t already): “Hi SIL. Sorry but that rule doesn’t work for us. My ds is much older than yours and has a later bedtime. My ds uses his pocket money to pay for the server that all our dc play on. I can send you a link about how to purchase a server for your ds? That way he can keep track of his own achievements?”[/quote]
Thank you

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 09/04/2022 22:40

My DD plays a few online games with her cousin and school friends. There are all sorts of different rules, different families have about when they can play. They often have to stop for dinner, to do homework, to go to gymnastics (etc), to get ready for bed. They just message 'Got to go my dinner is ready (for example). Noone would dream of telling the others they had to stop playing just because dinner was ready in one household or piano had to be practiced or whatever! Your SIL needs to deal with her DC and let everyone else deal with theirs!

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 09/04/2022 22:44

old enough not to have a bedtime at 8

End of gaming time doesn't mean bed time. Mine doesn't go to bed until at least 11.
If the child's bed time is 8, they must be very young. You do expect that the normal parents don't want their children playing the game until the bed time, do you? But then, if you do, it's none of other people's business either.

lemongreentea · 09/04/2022 22:57

If your dc paid for it then she is being YABU and I feel bad for you having a batshit ex-SIL like her. I imagine you are trying to keep the peace and allow the cousins to have a relationship which is really good of you.

I'm annoyed at the 1% wally who has voted yabu when you're clearly taking into account your nephews ASD.

She needs to learn that different families have different rules at different ages and your children cant be expected to follow the same rules as hers. That would be very unfair on them.

Flickflak · 09/04/2022 23:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

VerbenaVerbena · 09/04/2022 23:10

I knew this was minecraft realms!
The real issue is that her son wants to control people and situations when it isn't appropriate. It's pretty common, and of course it seems easier to her that you all just capitulate to his current whims, but it'll only get worse if you do.

He can be in control of his own realm.
He can join in with others.
He can't control others' play routines.

TokenGinger · 09/04/2022 23:14

@Beercrispsandnuts

Op yes, it’s hard to comprehend because you wrote you agreed as you wanted your kid to go to bed, this does not say you agreed as you,wanted your kid to stay up,playing with their sibling.

I suspect you know that.

Can you really not read?

She clearly said to stop playing with their cousin. She said she wouldn't mind her own younger child going to bed earlier. But now SIL is demanding older child cannot play online at all after 8pm as cousin complains he can see they've been online.

She agreed that her children wouldn't play with their cousin after 8pm.

I'm really not sure what's so difficult to comprehend.

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 23:15

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

old enough not to have a bedtime at 8

End of gaming time doesn't mean bed time. Mine doesn't go to bed until at least 11.
If the child's bed time is 8, they must be very young. You do expect that the normal parents don't want their children playing the game until the bed time, do you? But then, if you do, it's none of other people's business either.

It is more getting ready for bed I think rather than straight into bed for my nephew's case. Bedtime takes a long time for him due to ASD.
OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 23:19

@VerbenaVerbena

I knew this was minecraft realms! The real issue is that her son wants to control people and situations when it isn't appropriate. It's pretty common, and of course it seems easier to her that you all just capitulate to his current whims, but it'll only get worse if you do.

He can be in control of his own realm.
He can join in with others.
He can't control others' play routines.

It is indeed realms so lots of issues around 'ownership' and who is allowed to what. I know far more than is necessary about Minecraft now!

The other request is if my nephew is removed from the realm for poor behaviour, that I don't allow my other child to play when he is absent, because it isn't fair.

OP posts:
NannyKrampus · 09/04/2022 23:25

Your SIL is utterly bonkers and controlling as hell. I'd stop pandering to her and your nephew. Your kids pay for it and are old enough to stay up later and play on it. That is no one else's business. If actually taken out of the context of games and presented as someone wanting to stop other people doing something in their own time with their own money and resources because they cannot be around, you'd soon tell them to fuck off!

dontdivorceoverchacha · 09/04/2022 23:25

So your child has to endure the punishment too!!!! She's missing the point. If he's not allowed to play due to poor behaviour the consequence is missing out 🤷‍♀️ she clearly has some behavioural issues of her own. I don't envy your situation. Choose your words carefully regarding your rules and repeat repeat repeat. Good luck x

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 23:28

Thank you all. I feel more sane now!

OP posts:
Herja · 09/04/2022 23:29

She is so lucky you are even giving this headspace! I'd have laughed her face and told her to fuck off. Genuinely. I don't see family relationships as a thing to be maintained unless I like the family member though. Life is so much nicer now I don't see or speak to twats through obligation.

medicmummm · 09/04/2022 23:29

I think this belongs on the PFB thread …. Hmm

Agree, this is just unfair. The world doesn’t stop because one child goes to bed.

NannyKrampus · 09/04/2022 23:30

@Herja

She is so lucky you are even giving this headspace! I'd have laughed her face and told her to fuck off. Genuinely. I don't see family relationships as a thing to be maintained unless I like the family member though. Life is so much nicer now I don't see or speak to twats through obligation.
We seemed to attended the same diplomatic charm school... Grin
ElegantlyTouched · 09/04/2022 23:32

The other request is if my nephew is removed from the realm for poor behaviour, that I don't allow my other child to play when he is absent, because it isn't fair.

But surely that makes it more of a punishment, which is a good thing?

Stick to what you're doing and let your dc play by your rules.

SpringsSprung · 09/04/2022 23:35

@Shinyballs The other request is if my nephew is removed from the realm for poor behaviour, that I don't allow my other child to play when he is absent, because it isn't fair.

So both kids are punished for her child's misdemeanour/s!?

Batshit

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 23:38

I haven't actually done this by the way. I tell my children to stop playing with their cousin at 8, but I haven't insisted that they stop. I just wanted some sane replies from people who are not embroiled in our tricky family system!

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