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Original poster

SIL being a CF?

132 replies

Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 20:51

My children play a popular online game with their cousin. They pay for a server out of their own money so they can play with close friends and cousins without me worrying about strangers. My ex-SIL has asked that they stop playing with their cousin at 8 pm as he needs to get to bed. I agreed as I would like my younger son to start getting ready for bed at that time as well. However, this apparently means that after 8pm, my children have to stop playing online as well, and if they continue playing with each other after 8. (weekends for example or holidays) then it is UNFAIR and I am not sticking to the rules. It is possible for my nephew to tell if they have played after a certain time the next time he logs on somehow. One of my children is significantly older and doesn't go to bed at 8.

This is one of many disagreements I am currently having with my ex-SIL about online gaming. I am happy to ask my children to stop playing online with their cousin to help get him to bed at a decent time, but I don't see why this rule extends to what happens in my house after this time. She has also decided that it is not fair that my children play online together when her son can't. There is a lot of context obviously but the bare bones is that my children pay for this space out of their own pocket money, why should she try to control when they can and can't access it.

OP posts:
Easylittlethrowaway · 09/04/2022 21:38

Just here to find out if @Beercrispsandnuts is actually the SIL 🍿

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 21:39

@Lunalicious

If this is Minecraft and they are all working on a group-build I can see why the cousin is upset if your kids are working on their collaborative project without him. Can you encourage your kids to work on something else when he is offline and leave the group-build to when they are all available to participate?
Yes it is. It isn't so much a collaborative project as a just a world they play on. They have their own little areas they build in and play within so it is communal play rather than playing against each other. We do also have ownership issues around who owns the map.
OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 21:39

Can’t you just delete the nephew cos wtf does she think she is telling you that your kids have to be off by 8 even though they pay for it? Do you tell her she has to have the tv off in her house when she pays the licence, what an idiot.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 09/04/2022 21:40

Hi SIL. you seem to have misunderstood, when I agreed to stopping play at 8pm I meant that my kids would stop playing with yours at 8 obviously I'm not going to completely stop my older children from playing a game they pay for at a time to suit you. If nephew is upset by this maybe he's not mature enough to be playing, I'll remove him from the game/server.

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 21:41

@Easylittlethrowaway

Just here to find out if *@Beercrispsandnuts* is actually the SIL 🍿
@Easylittlethrowaway

I always wonder why this never happens on MN cos so many people are on here but Iv never once seen anyone say like wtf this is about me and kick off 😆

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 21:42

@Savingpeoplehuntingthings

Hi SIL. you seem to have misunderstood, when I agreed to stopping play at 8pm I meant that my kids would stop playing with yours at 8 obviously I'm not going to completely stop my older children from playing a game they pay for at a time to suit you. If nephew is upset by this maybe he's not mature enough to be playing, I'll remove him from the game/server.
Thank you. This is helpful. I feel that this might need to be used in response to her latest missive to me.
OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 21:44

@Shinyballs

Surely your son owns it if he pays for it? Isn’t that how it works?

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 21:46

@Hertsgirl10

Can’t you just delete the nephew cos wtf does she think she is telling you that your kids have to be off by 8 even though they pay for it? Do you tell her she has to have the tv off in her house when she pays the licence, what an idiot.
The children are very close to their nephew and it would be heartbreaking to delete him completely. They love playing with him when he plays nicely. We put rules in place as there was some confusion over who can and can't play, who owns what, who is in charge and when, It would also cause a huge amount of tension within our extended family if we permanently removed him. Thanks all, your responses have been extremely helpful.
OP posts:
WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 09/04/2022 21:47

Sounds like way too much parental involvement in general for a game like Minecraft!! Very unfair on you older child too

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 09/04/2022 21:47

If it's the game I'm thinking of then she won't be able to tell if they've been online while their cousin has been offline.
But instead of lying and just saying they are offline for a easy life she's being a CF and I would tell her straight that she can't dictate what happens in your home.

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 21:47

[quote Hertsgirl10]@Shinyballs

Surely your son owns it if he pays for it? Isn’t that how it works?[/quote]
You would think this was the case but I have had to constantly remind ex-SIL of this fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 21:56

@TheMarvelousMrsMaisel

If it's the game I'm thinking of then she won't be able to tell if they've been online while their cousin has been offline. But instead of lying and just saying they are offline for a easy life she's being a CF and I would tell her straight that she can't dictate what happens in your home.
Apparently they can as they can see any progress or achievements gained.
OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 21:59

Sound like she just needs to tell him she wants him off at 8 and it’s up to you what time you tell your kids get off the game.
It’s not fair on your kids, she just needs to be told how it is, you make the rules in your house not her.

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 22:01

@Hertsgirl10

Sound like she just needs to tell him she wants him off at 8 and it’s up to you what time you tell your kids get off the game. It’s not fair on your kids, she just needs to be told how it is, you make the rules in your house not her.
Thank you. I agree. Her child has SEN and struggles with behaviour so I am beginning to feel she is devolving parenting to me.
OP posts:
marjayy · 09/04/2022 22:01

She's barking. Tell the daft cow to fuck off.

WinniesHunny · 09/04/2022 22:01

@Beercrispsandnuts

Op yes, it’s hard to comprehend because you wrote you agreed as you wanted your kid to go to bed, this does not say you agreed as you,wanted your kid to stay up,playing with their sibling.

I suspect you know that.

You're deliberately being an arsehole.

I suspect, no, guarantee you know that.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/04/2022 22:05

I couldn't imagine even thinking of asking this of someone else. It's none of my business when DCs friends are allowed to game and when my DC can is up to us. The most I'd agree if the other parent was the really struggling with this, would be something DC will go off for 5 minutes at 8pm.

@Shinyballs If it's Minecraft realms, there appears to be a way to show as offline.

If you go into the guide menu (or the Xbox Game Bar on Windows), and select your profile, you can change your online status from "Online" to "Appear Offline". As the status name suggests, it makes you appear offline. Game time will still tick, but if anyone (friend or not) looks up your profile, they'll see you as offline, even if you're standing in front of them in-game.

itsgettingweird · 09/04/2022 22:07

@Beercrispsandnuts

Op yes, it’s hard to comprehend because you wrote you agreed as you wanted your kid to go to bed, this does not say you agreed as you,wanted your kid to stay up,playing with their sibling.

I suspect you know that.

I suspect you know you're being a pedant but it isn't stopping you carrying on either 🤷‍♀️

Agree with everyone else. Tell her you agreed they'd stop with cousin at 8pm but you won't be making such rules about them playing their own server between themselves in their own home.

I'd probably be an arse and ask if she struggling with DN behaviour would she like some support form you with dealing with his behaviour in their home WinkGrin

NannyKrampus · 09/04/2022 22:08

@Beercrispsandnuts

I agreed as I would like my younger son to start getting ready for bed at that time as well

Ok, sure you didn’t agree, but you can see why I would think you had? Only because you’d literally written it?

Nope, you are still the only one misreading this and either being a goady, anal soandso or the SIL, as others suggested!
godmum56 · 09/04/2022 22:09

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

I couldn't imagine even thinking of asking this of someone else. It's none of my business when DCs friends are allowed to game and when my DC can is up to us. The most I'd agree if the other parent was the really struggling with this, would be something DC will go off for 5 minutes at 8pm.

@Shinyballs If it's Minecraft realms, there appears to be a way to show as offline.

If you go into the guide menu (or the Xbox Game Bar on Windows), and select your profile, you can change your online status from "Online" to "Appear Offline". As the status name suggests, it makes you appear offline. Game time will still tick, but if anyone (friend or not) looks up your profile, they'll see you as offline, even if you're standing in front of them in-game.

but when the other player does go in they will see new builds/achievements? So they can't know when the person was online, but they will see changes?
RandomMess · 09/04/2022 22:10

I agree she wants you to do xyz to make parenting her son easier.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/04/2022 22:12

Your kids pay for the server, it's their game, server owners are in charge of the game.

Cousin will get a surprise in the big bad virtual world when old enough, as typically others will access a server when he can't, and will do stuff without him, whether they're friends or strangers. That is how that world works and ultimately if he can't handle that, it is up to HIS parent to cope with that, not up to you or your kids to sort that out.

She's going to have to explain to him and parent him, this is the tip of the iceberg really 'why is so and so allowed to the park and im not' 'why is thingy allowed to stay up til 9 and im not'.. and so on!

Original poster
Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 22:13

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

I couldn't imagine even thinking of asking this of someone else. It's none of my business when DCs friends are allowed to game and when my DC can is up to us. The most I'd agree if the other parent was the really struggling with this, would be something DC will go off for 5 minutes at 8pm.

@Shinyballs If it's Minecraft realms, there appears to be a way to show as offline.

If you go into the guide menu (or the Xbox Game Bar on Windows), and select your profile, you can change your online status from "Online" to "Appear Offline". As the status name suggests, it makes you appear offline. Game time will still tick, but if anyone (friend or not) looks up your profile, they'll see you as offline, even if you're standing in front of them in-game.

Thank you so much!
OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/04/2022 22:17

You could suggest to SIL that she pays for a realm for her DC and then they could play with him on that realm. Though knowing my DC they wouldn't want to go on a new realm and start their builds again. Does your nephew have many friends outside his cousins? My DC are all Autistic but one in particular has a very black and white view and if he's decided something is unfair it can be virtually impossible to change that. He's the one that doesn't have many friends and struggles with feeling left out. Maybe it's something like that. I feel fiercely protective of my little guy, but I still wouldn't try to control another house's gaming. What looks like control could be sheer desperation.

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2022 22:21

At first I thought you meant that SIL was paying for the server in which case she could set the rules. She isn’t so she isn’t in charge.