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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL being a CF?

132 replies

Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 20:51

My children play a popular online game with their cousin. They pay for a server out of their own money so they can play with close friends and cousins without me worrying about strangers. My ex-SIL has asked that they stop playing with their cousin at 8 pm as he needs to get to bed. I agreed as I would like my younger son to start getting ready for bed at that time as well. However, this apparently means that after 8pm, my children have to stop playing online as well, and if they continue playing with each other after 8. (weekends for example or holidays) then it is UNFAIR and I am not sticking to the rules. It is possible for my nephew to tell if they have played after a certain time the next time he logs on somehow. One of my children is significantly older and doesn't go to bed at 8.

This is one of many disagreements I am currently having with my ex-SIL about online gaming. I am happy to ask my children to stop playing online with their cousin to help get him to bed at a decent time, but I don't see why this rule extends to what happens in my house after this time. She has also decided that it is not fair that my children play online together when her son can't. There is a lot of context obviously but the bare bones is that my children pay for this space out of their own pocket money, why should she try to control when they can and can't access it.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 09/04/2022 23:39

The other request is if my nephew is removed from the realm for poor behaviour, that I don't allow my other child to play when he is absent, because it isn't fair.

Punishments aren’t meant to be fair, that’s the point.

You wouldn’t expect an entire swimming lesson or Scout meeting to be cancelled because one kid was grounded - this is no different.

BOOTS52 · 09/04/2022 23:41

She sounds beyond controlling and you do what suits you and your children and tell her she is acting unreasonable and she does not make the rules for your children on their holidays and when they play or don;t.

Herja · 09/04/2022 23:41

@NannyKrampus It's just so much more effective than being diplomatic though! I don't have the patience to pussyfoot around idiots taking the piss. I save my patience for reasonable people I like Grin.

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 09/04/2022 23:56

The equivalent in the "olden days" (the 80s) is when your mum shouted you in from playing with your mates because tea is ready or its bedtime. But your friends are a bit older /have "cooler" parents than you
They dont all go in and go to bed!!
Although I do remember that horrible summer sound of everyone still playing out while i was getting ready for bed Grin
I think as long as your dc are fairly respectful of their cousins build ie not finishing something they want to finish it or destroying it then it's fair and part of growing up

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 09/04/2022 23:57

Although their cousin also cant dictate all the play but it sounds like the other rules cover that

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/04/2022 23:59

Op, I think you need to crystal clear on what you are willing to do and not do.

“SIL, there’s been a lot of discussion about the game. I’ve had a think and here’s where I come down on the issue. I agree that my boys will take a break from playing at 8. However they will be allowed to log back in after 15 (or whatever) minutes, this should give you time to get DN logged off. Then according to house rules my boys may log back in and continue playing. Their play time is not going to be affected by DN’s circumstances, I.e. if he’s banned by you for example. I can understand that this may cause some difficulties for you, and I’ll be happy to help separate his game from the server as I’m able. I’m glad that they have this shared interest, but we need to be fair all around.”

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/04/2022 00:03

Sorry should have said, replace the details with whatever terms you are willing to go with

Threetulips · 10/04/2022 00:09

You need to get ways from instant decisions with SIL - stock answers like ‘oh I’ll give to some thought’ help. Or ‘I’ll speak tot he children and get back to you’ and either do or don’t!

Get some breathing space so you aren’t bamboozled by her.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/04/2022 00:27

I agree with Threetulips to never give an immediate answer to anything. Always say something like "I'll think it over and get back to you". I mean ALWAYS, if she asks if you want milk in your tea or if you're busy on Wednesday, anything at all. Then, when you do get back to her, be very clear about what you are agreeing to and do it by text/email so that you can say "that wasn't the agreement" and back it up. Also, don't be afraid to say "that doesn't work for my family" because it's not all about her and her DC.

She's clearly very good at phrasing things to sound normal and reasonable when she's actually overstepping the line, so make sure any agreement is in your words and is as minimal as possible and always has some reference to being subject to change if it doesn't work for your DC.

ElenaSt · 10/04/2022 00:35

I’m sorry! I voted the wrong one by mistake.

I agree with you.

Creameggs223 · 10/04/2022 00:45

She needs to tell her dc it's your rules in your house an their rules in their home.

As a grown woman their is no way on earth I would listen to anyone family or not telling me what goes on in my house never mind when my dc can play on server they payed for.

Tell her to back off if her dc doesn't like her rules or her bedtime then that's their problem not yours.

NannyKrampus · 10/04/2022 01:04

[quote Herja]@NannyKrampus It's just so much more effective than being diplomatic though! I don't have the patience to pussyfoot around idiots taking the piss. I save my patience for reasonable people I like Grin.[/quote]
Oh, I fully agree and have adopted the exact same approach.

Notcreativeatall · 10/04/2022 02:00

Can't they have one minecraft world that they play with their cousin and another one they don't? I'd be pretty annoyed if someone had a lot more time in the world than i did- you do interact (different reasons from your SIL though)

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:35

Your home your rules

WiddlinDiddlin · 10/04/2022 05:21

@Notcreativeatall

Can't they have one minecraft world that they play with their cousin and another one they don't? I'd be pretty annoyed if someone had a lot more time in the world than i did- you do interact (different reasons from your SIL though)
I would guess they could... but the newer one would have less stuff/require more work/be less fun.. so they wouldn't want to play there with him over their own. So it would likely add more frustration and annoyance, not less.
romdowa · 10/04/2022 06:09

I'd be asking her which one of my bills she's paying this month for the privilege of dictating how I run my home. Don't allow her to guilt you because her child has asd, simply its not your problem. I agree with the suggestion that she pays for a server that your dc will play with him on and then when he goes to bed, they can switch to their own server. That way he can't tell whats gone on in his absence.

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 06:15

@Beercrispsandnuts

I agreed as I would like my younger son to start getting ready for bed at that time as well

Ok, sure you didn’t agree, but you can see why I would think you had? Only because you’d literally written it?

You've not read the whole post, it might help if you did?

No one else seems to have an issue understanding the situation.

PinkSyCo · 10/04/2022 06:16

Haha I have read it all now! If you chose to allow your kid’s to play until 3am it is literally none of your SIL’s business. Her trying to control what your kids do is an absolute joke! Shock

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 06:17

To be honest, the phrase I would us is

Fuck off and don't ever try to tell me how to parent my child.

Hopefully it should deal with any future batshit crazy requests!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/04/2022 06:52

I imagine your sil has a lot of unreasonable requests if you’re feeling more and more like she’s expecting you to parent her ds. I think the plan proposed by BlackAmericanoNoSugar is good. Always giving yourself thinking time.

Beautiful3 · 10/04/2022 08:15

She's cannot dictate what you do with your kids. She's being unreasonable.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 10/04/2022 10:04

Honestly as a mum in a family of people with ASD the control with a capital C and rules make me think that ex sil is also probably on the spectrum

When you view it in that context she WILL think she’s being perfectly reasonable and it needs spelling out clearly but kindly that it’s not and that these are your rules and your kids

Poppinjay · 10/04/2022 10:20

I agree that she's probably struggling and also neurodiverse herself.

This means she could find it hard to think about things from someone else's perspective, especially if she's dealing with daily meltdowns from her DS.

You can help her by explaining politely and clearly that what she is asking would not be reasonable from your point of view but that you're happy to ask your DC try not to mention having played while your DN is offline so life isn't any more challenging for her than it has to be.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/04/2022 10:54

I know they're family and you care for your DN's well being but I'd think about putting a bit of space into this relationship. Today it's something small but I can't see your SIL becoming more reasonable as your DC get older. No need to be nasty, just make it plain you're two seperate households and you make your rules.
If you don't put your foot down now you could be sorry later

Ikeptgoing · 10/04/2022 14:22

I think OP has kept her boundaries well

All she did was agree that her DCs would stop playing with cousin at 8pm, so that he could be put to bed.

It's eldest DS's M/Craft server and he will want to carry on playing on his realm building things having collected items not other realms. It's good he's letting cousin play on it. My DCs have thrown friends off of their server when they've argued or become bossy. They only join them back if or when they respect that it's DCs MC world they set up.

SIL seems confused about as she seems to think she has right to control what OPs DCs do in their home when under care of their own parents on their own things.

so that her younger SEN son "doesn't feel left out". But that's a life lesson for cousin - different rules in different houses and for different ages too. (Same as my DM called me as a child in for tea earlier than other DCs who played outside well into the dark. It didn't bother me as I got to watch Dr Who with my Dad!

I think the much earlier text message response on this thread suggested by @Savingpeoplehuntingthings was perfect.

Ie the underlying message to SIL and DNephew that Cousin is welcome sometimes to play on OPsDS's server that he pays for but neither he nor Auntie gets to control when or where OPs DSs play on it and if SIL and DN can't understand that, then SIL needs to find solution for her child elsewhere.