To ask what your "mum burnout" looks like?

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

Would really like to hear your opinions on how mum burnout makes you feel and how it manifests for you.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old, still up 4-5 times in the night but it's brief (a little bit of milk or her dummy has fallen out) no long nights awake pacing her about the house crying thankfully, so can't really use that as an excuse but...

I'm exhausted. Properly burnt out. I find myself wondering if it's normal, or am I just weak or pathetic or dying 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm always on edge, more anxious, argumentative, I feel like I'm stuck on a loop 😩

So what about you?

I didn’t say they slept through from 6 weeks - that was someone else.

Mine were 12 weeks, 9 weeks and 11 weeks. By ‘sleeping through’ I mean that was the first time they regularly slept from 10.30 dream feed until 7ish.

And that wasn’t without the odd blip obviously - especially when one kept getting ear infections. Sometimes it took a while to get back on track. It wasn’t perfect. But (when well) they never had me up more than twice in the night.

I cannot understand a reason why a healthy 8 month old (who is presumably on solids so breast/bottle is irrelevant here) should wake up 4-5 times a night, except for by habit.

@pattish, I have 3 DC's , all totally different sleepers. We did everything "right" and very consistently. We made sure they were well fed, loads of exercise , cut naps when waking frequently, sleep training, gp visit ,perfect sleep environment etc etc etc..one of mine constantly woke , his older brother slept great. It was absolutely nothing we were doing or not doing , he simple keoy waking regardless of what we did. It is 100 percent luck that you had good sleepers. That is for certain.

It's the organisational stuff for me. Mine are older- 6 and 12- and we forgot TWO non uniform days last week 😳 (arguably the 12 year old should have taken some of the responsibility for forgetting his). I always used to have a really sharp memory and be on the ball, but now someone can give me details of an event or something and I'll say "Oh....yes", and drift away without it having registered at all. Sorry, brain full.

I cannot understand a reason why a healthy 8 month old (who is presumably on solids so breast/bottle is irrelevant here) should wake up 4-5 times a night, except for by habit.

I remember having many 3am conversations with a healthy wide-awake 8-month-old along the same lines. Never did get much of an answer. Do let us know if you find one that'll share, though.

@GoldenOmber

There’s only really one: habit.

Oh how I hate people who talk to me about drowsy but awake put downs 😂

Thank you all. I needed this. I just thought I was a miserable, shouty Mum. But yes to the not wanting to be touched, feeling constantly like I'm about to go down with something, aches moving round my body, exhausted to the point I could sleep anywhere, brain fog and snappingat everyone. Sometimes it's like having a constant whine in my head, I can't order my thoughts, and I just want to crawl into a hole so I can Be. On. My. Own.

OP and everyone else feeling overwhelmed, just try and hang on in there. We as mothers are asked to give so much in the early years, it's bordering on inhuman. But one day they do something for themselves or sleep an hour longer and suddenly a glimmer of hope appears. Honestly, i nearly slit my wrists, it was just awful, and constant constant constant giving and demands etc that never ended but it finally did change and it's now ok. My kids are later primary stage and actually it is alot more manageable and the feelings and joy has returned. Sending all of you feeling low lots of strength and positive vibes.

Burnout feels like dehydration. I’m cross when my oh breaths wrong, and when he raises an eyebrow instead of defending himself I cry.

@pattish

I didn’t say they slept through from 6 weeks - that was someone else.

Mine were 12 weeks, 9 weeks and 11 weeks. By ‘sleeping through’ I mean that was the first time they regularly slept from 10.30 dream feed until 7ish.

And that wasn’t without the odd blip obviously - especially when one kept getting ear infections. Sometimes it took a while to get back on track. It wasn’t perfect. But (when well) they never had me up more than twice in the night.

I cannot understand a reason why a healthy 8 month old (who is presumably on solids so breast/bottle is irrelevant here) should wake up 4-5 times a night, except for by habit.

It's funny. Even 9 years later I can feel the absolute rage building in me at you. And all the smug arseoles who made me feel so much worse about my non-sleeper. White hot rage.

I tried absolutely everything except leaving her to cry until she vomited. Everything.

I don't go on threads about kids who'll only eat beige food and say, "mine eats everything, makes her own exotic foods from scratch" because that would make me a total bastard. And I didn't make DD a good eater, she just was one. I didn't make a a shit sleeper either.

You can ruin a good eater or sleeper but you can't make one from a bad one.

@GoldenOmber such an excellent post. I had so many suggestions or similar to @pattish "no reason why they can't sleep if you set the right conditions" like parents who are dealing with this awful situation haven't tried fckn everything, "have you tried a routine , story, milk , bed, cut out naps, cut out bad habits , cry out , etc etc etc . Most ppl who are chronically sleep deprived will try everything and more. We are firm parents and nothing made the slightest bit of difference with one of our DC's. He is older now and still can wake at night, he clearly just isn't as "good/deep a sleeper, difference is he isn't a baby so is fine about going back to sleep. He is also my most physically active DC and surfs regularly and so you'd imagine being physically worn out does it (again like sooooo many told me) and no it doesn't necessarily exhaust him, he's just a very high octane and v v bright person and I can see now how that worked with him as a baby, he was actually a very agitated baby basically.

I can’t remember most of it, I blocked it out. My sympathies are with you.

@PostingForTrafficz

4-5 times a night is a lot! Can you do anything to stop that? A lot more milk before bed time maybe? Both mine starting sleeping through entirely from about 6 weeks so it's alien to me.

Get in the bin! Please do not EVER say that to anyone else who has expressed they are struggling with lack of sleep. FFS!

I did have one that would actually do drowsy but awake! It was magic. Except that was DC2, and by that point I'd already had DC1 who was a terrible sleeper back when I still cared about 'sleep habits' and 'routines' enough to read every book and try every theory and run myself ragged with it, and none of it achieved a bloody thing. So I couldn't even pretend to myself DC2's good sleep was anything to do with me - it really wasn't.

Hang in there, parents of shit sleepers. It will be better than this one day.

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Thank you all. I needed this. I just thought I was a miserable, shouty Mum. But yes to the not wanting to be touched, feeling constantly like I'm about to go down with something, aches moving round my body, exhausted to the point I could sleep anywhere, brain fog and snappingat everyone. Sometimes it's like having a constant whine in my head, I can't order my thoughts, and I just want to crawl into a hole so I can Be. On. My. Own.

I'm actually crying because this is how I've feel. My second is 11 months so just know I've got to stick in here. My 4 year old told me today "you not the same mummy" and I just wanna break down thought I was horrible stupid husband making out I've got mental health issues and I'm being abusive and unappreciative but I'm just burnt out

Nope, not habit with all dcs at all.. My dc got nothing when they woke after a year, even if we tried cuddling, giving milk etc etc they didn't want anything, they clearly didn't want to be awake. I have no idea why they woke so frequently, there was no pattern , wasn't at the same times etc etc.

My goodness - I'm here with my 18 month old who has spent the last two and a half hours flailing her arms around, trying to run away and just not sleeping. She's just dropped off. I am so ready for this to not be a thing. She's my third and definitely the perfect last child in that if I did have any thoughts of any more, she's making sure I know that's a terrible idea. . Solidarity non sleeping parents.

Thank you all for sharing ❤️
I've got a 6 and a 1 year old and I ask myself daily whether I'm depressed or overwhelmed.
Both really.

Anyway, I love that we have our resident "You're just not trying hard enough" poster on here. Just what a group of worn out, overtired parents need. To be told they could fix the situation easily.

My 18 month old hasn't slept away from me at night apart from when I booked a gig and a festival away and for the first time was excited to stay away from home and get some sleep. Thank goodness my husband is supportive because I needed it. We haven't any other support. Both kids have been the same, sleep fine with us, awfully alone. Unfortunately I quite like them nearby even if I do get kicked in the head half the night. So yeah, I possibly could fix my situation... but it's not as simple as all that is it? I'd have to sleep train which I personally don't want to do and also, when you're this burnt out, the last thing you fancy is making things harder. Even if it's only temporary 😬

@pattish

Of course you can’t force a child to sleep. Neither can you force a child to eat their food, or wee on a potty. But you can make (and keep) the conditions right so that within a few months 99% of healthy babies will do it.

I think many mums’ expectations are so low now and sleep deprivation beyond the first 6 months is so normalised that we assume we can’t do anything about it.

Oh do fuck off

@MrsTerryPratchett I hear you completely. I actually had ppl say to me "oh I need my sleep, I wouldn't put up with that" , wtaf everyone needs sleep and I couldn't physically stop my dc waking..my DH is totally hands on and when I was exhausted got up as much as I had, it also made no difference. It's sortof like saying a person with chronic insomnia just isn't trying hard enough ...

@pattish habit doesn’t make a difference if the person needs specific things to go to sleep.

I’ve had two; both have been polar opposite in terms of sleep so I am absolutely certain that it’s nothing to do with habits or routines or any other list of things that everyone tries when they need their kid to just bloody sleeeeep.

Nothing you’ve said has been any different to how we’ve been with our boys, yet oldest didn’t sleep through until 1 year and youngest is only 6.5 months so can’t say for sure. You can’t control it, if you could then there wouldn’t be a tenth of the market there is for sleep consultants/books/remedy’s

When I try to watch telly in the evening it is very very hard to keep my eyes focussed as I am so tired. I often end up closing one eye to make sure there's just one screen rather than two dancing about.

God @pattish I hope it is luck, because if you sleep trained (ignored) x week old babies then I'd say you have zero business being a parent.

Feeling like I will lose my mind at any given time and snappy when called for. I feel awful about it but we both work but me from home so all responsibility comes down to me as dh works away with work a lot. 4 dc. Work from home and I have to help out some family member and her kids as issues there. No other family to help. Moved to new area a year ago so not much support. Feel exhausted and grumpy. But its more with the younger ones which spunds awful. The older 2 are easier now aged 7 and 9 so i can see the light at the end if the tunnel. I keep telling myself another 3 years and things will be a bit easier! But with new challenges!

Fucking hell @GoldenOmber, are you me? Only coherent and eloquent?

Drowsy but awake is still spat like the foulest swear in this house, even though our terrible sleeper is 4 this week. She didn't have that setting, she was fully asleep or screaming. Fabulous sleeper now - plays in her bed then goes over, sleeps all night and has to be woken in the morning.

Second came along two years later, did all the same things and... she slept. We couldn't believe it and were scared to say it out loud. She had the drowsy but awake setting! The up for a short feed and back over setting! It was incredible. Now that she's older... she's up for a couple of hours a night with her teeth.

It's pure dumb luck. You might be able to slightly improve or disimprove a child's sleep but really you're at the mercy of their nature.