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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your "mum burnout" looks like?

233 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/04/2022 17:45

Would really like to hear your opinions on how mum burnout makes you feel and how it manifests for you.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old, still up 4-5 times in the night but it's brief (a little bit of milk or her dummy has fallen out) no long nights awake pacing her about the house crying thankfully, so can't really use that as an excuse but...

I'm exhausted. Properly burnt out. I find myself wondering if it's normal, or am I just weak or pathetic or dying 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm always on edge, more anxious, argumentative, I feel like I'm stuck on a loop 😩

So what about you?

OP posts:
CliffsofMohair · 09/04/2022 20:57

I can relate so hard to all of this. Except the slept through at six weeks. Constantly wanting tell everyone to fuck off.

BritishDesiGirl · 09/04/2022 20:58

@RishisPA

When I had actual PND I felt:
  • like I didn’t really want to exist
  • constant feeling of needing to escape- being tempted to drive off somewhere or stay in a hotel and turn phone off
  • detachment, seeing kids play and thinking ‘this should be so cute’ but feeling nothing
  • no hope for future.

CBT, medication and time helped

How I regularly feel burnt out which to me is:

  • constantly tired
  • constantly feeling I’m forgetting something
  • worrying about missing stuff, keeping everything in the diary and feeling stressed looking at it
  • no time for self care or exercise
  • trying to avoid children when with them all day (tv on, go on phone etc)

When I write it down it looks awful. I think we often expect/just get in with burnout thinking it’s part of life. Kids are similar age, you’re definitely not alone Flowers

All of the above. You are not alone OP. Be kind to yourself
Tothepoint99 · 09/04/2022 20:58

[quote pattish]@Tothepoint99

You do know it’s not luck, don’t you?[/quote]
Where did I say it was?

Farmhouse1234 · 09/04/2022 20:58

I’m sitting here drinking wine and crying reading this. I feel overwhelmed and just useless.
For me, I can’t remember when the last time I felt excited or looking forward to something. I don’t feel like myself. I literally get zero time to myself to do anything I like. Currently I’m meant to be working, then cooking dinner, then organising a family event. I have no hobbies or interests.

I also look round me and see other people managing, doing stuff, going places. For years (even now to a great extent) our family managed food shopping, bit of washing, but if tidying, bit of TV watching and nothing else.

FTEngineerM · 09/04/2022 20:58

@pattish please tell me more on how it’s not luck and how you can force a child to sleep and remain asleep..

Farmhouse1234 · 09/04/2022 21:00

Oh, I’ve also considered if I’m depressed. But I know if someone waved a magic wand and gave me some time away from child, less work etc I would feel instantly better

Tothepoint99 · 09/04/2022 21:01

How sanctimonious.

Preemiemummy2 · 09/04/2022 21:01

I hate the spider fingers as well when I’m struggling with burnout. Which is all the time at the moment. DS at 9 months wants to sleep on me like I’m his mattress. He will not sleep in any other position or place and then strokes my neck with his tiny creepy spider fingers. I’m bordering on rage and numbness regularly and no idea which one will win each day.
Yes to pp about feeling on the verge of a cold/virus all the time. Brain is hazy.

GoldenOmber · 09/04/2022 21:03

Mine feels like in The Sims: when you give your Sims tasks to do without cancelling the last thing, it stacks up in an actions queue. And you can add about five or six things for them to do that way after the last thing you told them to do after the last thing you told them to, etc. And then - you can’t add any more. Their actions queue is full. They cannot receive any more input. That’s what I feel like by bedtime when I’ve really had it.

It isn’t even the physical tiredness for me now (mine have aged out of the sleep regression ages thank God). It’s the mental exhaustion that comes from feeling needed all the time by someone pawing at me either physically or mentally, like I cannot do anything or think anything without being interrupted again and again and again. It makes me snarly and furious and frazzled and constantly on edge and shovelling down junk food while thinking “what the fuck do you want NOW” any time anyone wants anything of me.

goingpearshaped · 09/04/2022 21:06

I needed this today. Mine are older so I feel like I should be managing better but I am not. I am so done. The work / kids balance is insane and I need t find better childcare as I am doing most of the childcare and all of the mental load. I am never alone as DH is here a lot in the day (shifts). I literally had to go into work once we got home so I could be alone for the first time in bloody weeks. I am not in a good place and it's so intense with ferrying kids to all the sodding activities, homework and friends (theirs). I literally don't exist.

pattish · 09/04/2022 21:06

Of course you can’t force a child to sleep. Neither can you force a child to eat their food, or wee on a potty. But you can make (and keep) the conditions right so that within a few months 99% of healthy babies will do it.

I think many mums’ expectations are so low now and sleep deprivation beyond the first 6 months is so normalised that we assume we can’t do anything about it.

Squidlydoo · 09/04/2022 21:11

Following up on the thyroid comment, I discovered when my daughter was 5 that I had an under active thyroid… I think looking back I had it a long time! (She was the worst sleeper, I worked full time as a teacher = hard times indeed)

I wish i had given up caffeine and had thyroid tests at a much earlier point!!!

hazandduck · 09/04/2022 21:11

@Farmhouse1234

Oh, I’ve also considered if I’m depressed. But I know if someone waved a magic wand and gave me some time away from child, less work etc I would feel instantly better
Me too.

My only ‘break’ is when I am working 2 days a week but I work from home so I am doing housework in between work instead of what I used to do (read on my break or just take a stroll in silence.) My DH takes over when he gets home but I feel so burnt out. But I also cry some days because my eldest starts school this year and I wish away some of the days and feel so guilty because I’m going to miss her so much. It’s the most conflicted I’ve ever felt!

It’s just relentless. You feel like nothing :( and yes the self care (lack of)! When I’ve said to my sister how I feel she implied I may have PND but it’s just really hard, exhausting, on your knees work looking after small kids! If I just had breathing space I’d be fine. Or a cleaner. A cook. A nanny…😆

I miss exercise but I am just too drained. And totally agree I always feel on the edge of coming down with an illness, wtf is that?? I am so grateful to read all these comments, I don’t feel so alone.

I said to my DH it feels like I’m drowning sometimes, he is at work 5 days (6 this week) he comes in takes over cooking/watching our kids, but it still is bloody hard work with a supportive spouse!

Sending strength to everyone going through this.

Owieeee · 09/04/2022 21:12

@pattish it's simply luck , it's absolutely nothing to do with what you did. My first DC was actually a good sleeper , my second woke constantly for years, my 3rd was inbetween, had good patches and then bad. We tried absolutely everything and are firm parents. It's not our fault , we weren't doing anything wrong, it's so , so awful when ppl imply this. Even my friend the last days was saying how shocked she was when a friend of her baby is still up loads at 9 months..... Her friend breastfeeds and she doesn't so there's one reason and it's just the way the baby is tbh. This idea that it's caused by the parents is so wrong. It's like anyone , some adults sleep v well, others don't..

GoldenOmber · 09/04/2022 21:14

Although my bad sleeper sleeps fine now, I do remember how annoying it was to have a non-sleeping unputdownable baby and have people jumping into conversations about how tough it was to imply there was some magical trick to sleep that you just weren't doing. And eventually, because they sound so sure and you are so tired that you'd literally trade your own arm to get some bloody sleep, you start thinking that maybe they have cracked it, maybe there is some secret formula that you just haven't tried yet. So you ask...

...and then it turns out their great magical secret is something like "you just need a good bedtime routine! I always did bath-book-bottle-bed." Or "don't go rushing in at the first little whimper, leave it a few minutes to see if they settle themselves". Or "have you tried shush-pat?" And then you go and slam your head in the fridge door again because it's going to be less painful than hearing someone say "drowsy but awake" again.

FTEngineerM · 09/04/2022 21:16

@GoldenOmber

Although my bad sleeper sleeps fine now, I do remember how annoying it was to have a non-sleeping unputdownable baby and have people jumping into conversations about how tough it was to imply there was some magical trick to sleep that you just weren't doing. And eventually, because they sound so sure and you are so tired that you'd literally trade your own arm to get some bloody sleep, you start thinking that maybe they have cracked it, maybe there is some secret formula that you just haven't tried yet. So you ask...

...and then it turns out their great magical secret is something like "you just need a good bedtime routine! I always did bath-book-bottle-bed." Or "don't go rushing in at the first little whimper, leave it a few minutes to see if they settle themselves". Or "have you tried shush-pat?" And then you go and slam your head in the fridge door again because it's going to be less painful than hearing someone say "drowsy but awake" again.

My favourite post ever.
pattish · 09/04/2022 21:18

@Owieeee

We’ll just have to agree to disagree! For me, thinking that what you do has NOTHING to do with it is even more bizarre.

FWIW, it’s not about blame. I just get frustrated when people are on their knees and they think there’s nothing they can do about it.

Original poster
PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/04/2022 21:18

@Farmhouse1234

I’m sitting here drinking wine and crying reading this. I feel overwhelmed and just useless. For me, I can’t remember when the last time I felt excited or looking forward to something. I don’t feel like myself. I literally get zero time to myself to do anything I like. Currently I’m meant to be working, then cooking dinner, then organising a family event. I have no hobbies or interests.

I also look round me and see other people managing, doing stuff, going places. For years (even now to a great extent) our family managed food shopping, bit of washing, but if tidying, bit of TV watching and nothing else.

Sending you a very big hug. I feel just the same x
OP posts:
Owieeee · 09/04/2022 21:18

@pattish the vast vast majority of formula fed babies sleep better and longer than bf babies. Just look at the sleep boards on here. All of my friends who formula fed had great sleepers and all of my Friends and family who bf were up longer than them. I find it very hard to believe that your breastfed babies slept all night from 6 weeks and never woke up for feeds after six weeks if they were ebf.

Nidan2Sandan · 09/04/2022 21:19

I know when I'm on burnout as I get unwell, really unwell. Typically hits me around xmas eve for about a week, I imagine as with most Mums, we're pretty much running around like mad things for weeks at that time of year.

I do remember when my 3 were really little, around 3, 18 months and 2 months old and I suddenly found I couldn't move. I was sat on the sofa, had just finished feeding the baby and needed to make the toddler's lunch but I couldnt get my body to move. The exhaustion was too much, I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I sat staring into space, listening to my kids playing and felt nothing. Luckily I snapped out of it after a few minutes but that moment was just frightening. I handed the kids to DH when I got home that evening and went to bed waking only to feed the baby.

User310 · 09/04/2022 21:20

I shout at my husband instead of the children but it is fully the children causing the chaos, noise etc.

I also retreat on the sofa and become ingrosser in my phone. I hate it when this happens. Maybe once every few weeks.

Whataboutno · 09/04/2022 21:20

I'm not depressed but my kids, well my 6 year old have more of a life than me and that depresses me a little bit 😄

I don't go anywhere or do anything as I'm too broke. I do wonder what I'll do when they are grown up as having time to myself feels so alien right now! Massive virtual hugs for anyone that needs it!

georgarina · 09/04/2022 21:20

I feel physically ill and it's painful - even my skin feels oversensitive. I feel cold and just have to curl up with a blanket and getting up is awful.

I was also diagnosed with ME five years ago so it's a bit of that and a bit of occasional burnout

FilthyforFirth · 09/04/2022 21:21

Mum burnout to me is what I am currently living. On ADs for pnd, and just been diagnosed with ptsd for my last HG pregnancy.

I am permanently exhausted. I often go to bed at 8. I am lucky that we have lots of family that will take the kids overnight and my DH is very hands on so is always encouraging me to stay with family/friends to get sleep. It seems to make little difference. I cant ever see not being so tired and I cant ever 'catch up' no matter how many nights I get off.

All my energy goes towards playing with my kids, ferrying them to school/childcare, ensuring they have a 'present and engaged' mother.

I've got nothing else. I have no idea who I am anymore, no hobbies, no motivation for exercise, eating well. I am glued to my phone, bored, but no energy to do anything else.

I didnt feel like this prior to my firsr child. Terrified I will never feel normal again.

HopefulRose · 09/04/2022 21:23

@Giraffesandbottoms

Both mine starting sleeping through entirely from about 6 weeks so it's alien to me

Read the room

Right!!

I feel like the "Mine Slept Through From BLANK" gang have notifications set up on their phones to enter these conversations for no useful reason