To ask what your "mum burnout" looks like?

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

Would really like to hear your opinions on how mum burnout makes you feel and how it manifests for you.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old, still up 4-5 times in the night but it's brief (a little bit of milk or her dummy has fallen out) no long nights awake pacing her about the house crying thankfully, so can't really use that as an excuse but...

I'm exhausted. Properly burnt out. I find myself wondering if it's normal, or am I just weak or pathetic or dying 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm always on edge, more anxious, argumentative, I feel like I'm stuck on a loop 😩

So what about you?

@ColdSeptember

I'm not a bellend. I just don't understand. I get not knowing how awful it will be before you have the first, but after that you do know.

Having 2 is v different to having 1, so you might not really know! Also say you get pregnant with your second when you're first is 2yo, you might have had an easy 2yo then 'threenager' hits and you have a newborn at the same time... My Dd slept through at 6m then at age 4 stopped sleeping. Obviously I couldn't send ds back... Just some examples.

Sorry for all the typos, one handed typing with ill 7yo in other arm! Coughing 4yo upstairs. It's going to be another fun night!

@Reluctantadult thank you, that does make sense.

I am so thankful for this thread. I have a 12 month old who regularly wakes up every 1-2 hours. I am absolutely shattered. I cry from the exhaustion. But all I hear about is how unusual that is.

To those who say babies wake up a lot because of habit, in the nicest way, F off. I have tried absolutely everything with mine, including CC and sleep consultants. It has made zero difference. Don’t blame it on me that my baby doesn’t sleep.

@ColdSeptember not every pregnancy is planned. Contraception is not 100 percent effective. And some people will not consider or go through with an abortion. Your comment sounds so idealistic and simplistic....

Also to add @coldseptember that biologically all living things are programmed to reproduce. Don't underestimate the strength of a biological pull.... after my first I wanted a hysterectomy. I was that sure I never wanted to.go through it all.again. a couple years later and the urge to reproduce was insanely strong despite my previous experience and feeling. My head knew it would be hard but every cell in my body was desperate for another. Its biology baby! Its why humankind has continued.

I take it you have no children?!

One poster has said older children keep you busier. I can’t imagine how this is the case though? Younger kids can’t do a single thing for themselves, so every nappy, every bum wipe, every snack, every drink is on you. They throw up or wee in random places and leave it for you to clean up. They’re also constantly jumping about. falling over and banging their head or hurting themselves somehow. What do older kids do that’s more time consuming? Guess there might be clubs or hobbies to get them to.

Totally feel the same and I’m 11 years in. I have a near to full time job, a boy who plays piano, dances and plays football. I do most of the shopping, all the meal planning, most of the washing, taking care of the kid and mums taxi. I get one lay in every fortnight as in either on early shift and doing all the clubs or on late shift and doing half the clubs. I work late at night and weekends and my husband is a shift worker. I end up doing it all. Sit down with your partner and explain now or it will just escalate. Ask family for help. My mum is brilliant and has mum son for some of the holidays so I get a few weeks off the treadmill per year but my husband doesn’t help unless I lose the plot and beg

My husband just said “I’m
Going to work, I need to sleep” and didn’t do any of the nights. I thought this was normal when I first had DD1 then only realised later it wasn’t. I EBF and she refused to take a bottle so would have been pretty impossible anyway just felt very hard done by when I went back to work full time when she was 5 months but was still doing all the nights and also working. Also refused to get up in the morning with the kids (5.30
Risers here) so I could have half an hour to exercise which i was so desperate for because he finishes work late so needs the sleep. I’m pregnant with number 3 and will put my foot down this time. (He’s a really good dad now they are older I just felt like me choosing the breast feed was used as an excuse for him to basically avoid doing
Anything when they were babies as he “doesn’t have boobs”)

There were times I was fantasising about committing a crime and getting jailed in solitary confinement to get some peace and quiet.

@ColdSeptember

I'm not a bellend. I just don't understand. I get not knowing how awful it will be before you have the first, but after that you do know.

My first was an absolute dream (still is at 10) honestly I could easily have had ten of her over one of her brothers. My second was harder work and didn't sleep until 4 really. Otherwise a cruisy child like his sister. I had two under two and really still they were easier than what I saw other parents dealing with. Then after a few months of no 2 sleeping (at 4yo) I convinced my DH for one more as I felt I was ageing out. I thought we had our bad sleeper already... HAHAHA. This one is worse! Plus tantrums, bad eater, you name it! There is a reason he was given to us last, he probably would have been an only child.

@ColdSeptember For me, I had my two quite close together. By the time I was struggling with juggling working, nursery runs, life admin, kids’ activities etc etc I had two and that was that. I would have been a much better parent to just one I think, but I only realised that once I had two.

[quote Owieeee]**@GoldenOmber* such an excellent post. I had so many suggestions or similar to @pattish* "no reason why they can't sleep if you set the right conditions" like parents who are dealing with this awful situation haven't tried fckn everything, "have you tried a routine , story, milk , bed, cut out naps, cut out bad habits , cry out , etc etc etc . Most ppl who are chronically sleep deprived will try everything and more. We are firm parents and nothing made the slightest bit of difference with one of our DC's. He is older now and still can wake at night, he clearly just isn't as "good/deep a sleeper, difference is he isn't a baby so is fine about going back to sleep. He is also my most physically active DC and surfs regularly and so you'd imagine being physically worn out does it (again like sooooo many told me) and no it doesn't necessarily exhaust him, he's just a very high octane and v v bright person and I can see now how that worked with him as a baby, he was actually a very agitated baby basically.[/quote]
My eldest sounds like yours. He is 30 this year. He swims,surfs,scuba dives. He and a uni friend walked 52 miles this weekend in the Lake District. He was bottle fed. He never, ever slept through the night. He doesn't sleep through the night even now. He takes melatonin tablets to help. I had a second son . There is a 17 month gap. He was breast fed. He slept very well. He's 28 so I have no idea how many weeks old he was, it's too long ago. My marriage ended when they were 2 and 3. I went back to work fulltime as a teacher because I had to. Reading this thread brings back the memories of the total exhaustion, the feeling that you are getting flu. All that " But mum, but mum, but mum....." It does get better . They are fabulous young men and I have just become a granny but it is so, so hard. If I had my life again I don't think I would be a mum

@cherish123

Just wait until you have older children. Every minute busy. Under 5 are the easy years!

Oh come on, 5-10 is a doddle compared to 0-5. You have to read Biff Chip and Kipper and develop a good half-listening voice for when they rabbit on about Minecraft, then you’re sorted.

I was a single mum with a non sleeper.
I knew I was burnt out when I seriously considered having her adopted. It wasn’t just the lack of sleep, it was the sheer overwhelming feeling of responsibility and the monotony of every day. I Felt that I loved her but just didn’t like her. Felt like I was in a very unhappy marriage but no option to divorce/leave.
I was so sleep deprived I had auditory hallucinations. I would have a telephone conversation with a friend and could not remember one single word when the call ended. Eyesight was so blurry I thought I was going blind. Lost so much weight that I looked skeletal. Wished I would be diagnosed with a serious illness and be hospitalised which would give me a valid reason to offload her elsewhere. Just could not see how I would get through the next eighteen years. Felt too ashamed to tell anybody. This is the first time I have said it out loud. Mum burn out is real. Please ask for help. I wish I had.

My mum put everyone's needs before her own. It did not lead to a happy life. Fuck. That. I don't buy into the martyr thing. Yes, feed and clothe and love them. Do the shit you don't want to do (hours at soft play; activities etc), but not if it really makes you unhappy or you can't do what you want to do.

My first had colic from about 2 weeks old and ended up on Gaviscon. I'd pace nightly with her for hours, sometimes from the end of one feed to the beginning of the next, and she would regularly projectile vomit 6 feet behind us.
ExH slept in the spare room 'as I have work'. We split when DD was 8 months old.
I'd gone back to work full-time when she was 4 months and was expressing during the day at work and still doing a night feed with all the pacing and the colic.
Omg it was so hard.
I had another 3 with someone else over the next 4 years, never expecting to end up on my own again.
And here we are.
The rage, the impatience, wanting everyone to fuck off and give me some peace, never being able to focus long enough to read a book, constantly worrying about money, bills, work, schools. Making all those possibly life-changing decisions alone.
I don't go out, my kids have a better social life than me. At the weekends I know work colleagues go places and do things, I'd love to take my kids out places. Aside from not having any money, I'm too exhausted, all I want to do is sleep and not have to go anywhere. I manage to get the school uniforms washed and dry and that's about it. I hate my life and what it's become. Staying up too late for a bit of me time when I should be asleep...

@incompetentcervix

I get grumpy, struggle to think, I perform tasks without being able to remember what I am doing or why. I shout more than I have ever done. My husband and I have competitive tiredness competitions. I eat like food is going to runout.

Mum burn out is a thing.

This! I used to think it was just me. I work over 12 hour shifts. 7.30am to 8pm. followed by a night shift next day 7.30pm to 8am - night shifts are lone working so no breaks (NHS)! . Folled by 2 days off. I'm constantly exhausted and with 3 kids who are so kind and try to let me sleep but of course so young I often have the "mummy she did this, mummy (insert questions) ok go to sleep. So broken sleep if weekend or hols. Some weekends every 2 weeks at least, husband is on shift so I wont sleep at all after night shift. Get home, get kids ready for school /swimming / one off sick etc. No family to help out sadly. But yes the comfort eating and competition tiredness conversation are real. Itsnot just you my love. It does get easier. Try take a time out every couple of days (even 1 hour if you can). That helped me a lot. Ot at least a long walk with kids in double pushchair (when I had only 2). Just try not to get into a job that entails killer shifts. I keep meaning to look for a new job but brain too tired to function. My sleep cycles are so messed up due to some days staying awake all night and so many 72 hours waking patter ns. I am a. Robot. Hugs xxx

@DoveOfPiss

My first had colic from about 2 weeks old and ended up on Gaviscon. I'd pace nightly with her for hours, sometimes from the end of one feed to the beginning of the next, and she would regularly projectile vomit 6 feet behind us. ExH slept in the spare room 'as I have work'. We split when DD was 8 months old. I'd gone back to work full-time when she was 4 months and was expressing during the day at work and still doing a night feed with all the pacing and the colic. Omg it was so hard. I had another 3 with someone else over the next 4 years, never expecting to end up on my own again. And here we are. The rage, the impatience, wanting everyone to fuck off and give me some peace, never being able to focus long enough to read a book, constantly worrying about money, bills, work, schools. Making all those possibly life-changing decisions alone. I don't go out, my kids have a better social life than me. At the weekends I know work colleagues go places and do things, I'd love to take my kids out places. Aside from not having any money, I'm too exhausted, all I want to do is sleep and not have to go anywhere. I manage to get the school uniforms washed and dry and that's about it. I hate my life and what it's become. Staying up too late for a bit of me time when I should be asleep...

Hugs to you. Yes, I literally have no friends at all as couldn't afford to live in London so am cut off. Don't even want to see anyone tbh anymore just want to sleep but can't anymore. Totally relate. I hope it gets easier for you. Xxx

Horrid feelings of shame and self blame - and it's so draining!

We have had a horrible winter with illness which has just made things so much harder. My 2 (now 3) yo didn’t sleep through the night from October to April. She was so blocked up she got really distressed. I was also Ill at various points and not sleeping v well anyway. Throw in the vomiting bugs, random covid isolations and it’s no wonder we’re knackered.

I genuinely hope we’re turning a corner though. We’ve had a week of undisturbed nights, warmer weather helps mood and summer is just easier. I took my 5yo into London for the day and it was genuinely nice. We had a civilised lunch and she walked without complaining and loved learning new things.

Also I need to learn for next year not to do too much over December. We were overloaded and just found it too stressful combined with sickness and sleep deprivation. We were due to be travelling every weekend and lots over actual Christmas period and it just became too much. Fortunately two of our events were cancelled due to covid otherwise they’d have totally pushed me over the edge.

Mine was generally tiredness, irritable, low mood, crying often and loss of appetite. Fast forward 10 years and now it's due to my job and includes most of the above but overeating and palpitations. Think I'm just not compatible with normal life but I coast and put on a great show. I try to listen to podcasts on an eve before my mind has the chance to race through all of my present and past worries.

@Bunnycat101

Also I need to learn for next year not to do too much over December. We were overloaded and just found it too stressful combined with sickness and sleep deprivation. We were due to be travelling every weekend and lots over actual Christmas period and it just became too much. Fortunately two of our events were cancelled due to covid otherwise they’d have totally pushed me over the edge.

I think we all need to remember, me included, that we don't need to say yes to extended family visits/Christmas markets/Santa trains/Christmas craft fairs/etc etc from the middle of November because it's "Christmas" Christmas is a day, not 2 months!

@OuttaBabylon Worth it all, but sometimes I just want to have my own self to worry about.
That's exactly how I feel - I love my brood so much but the constant worry is draining- I have no mental energy to care for much else, my physical and mental health, and looks and weight is all suffering as result- I wouldn't be so annoyed if my constant worrying was actually leading to something productive and helpful, but it's not, and they are still behind at school (my main fear)
I used to be so together and be able to problem solve ! How do I get out of this rut??