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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your "mum burnout" looks like?

233 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/04/2022 17:45

Would really like to hear your opinions on how mum burnout makes you feel and how it manifests for you.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old, still up 4-5 times in the night but it's brief (a little bit of milk or her dummy has fallen out) no long nights awake pacing her about the house crying thankfully, so can't really use that as an excuse but...

I'm exhausted. Properly burnt out. I find myself wondering if it's normal, or am I just weak or pathetic or dying 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm always on edge, more anxious, argumentative, I feel like I'm stuck on a loop 😩

So what about you?

OP posts:
Notgettingbetter · 09/04/2022 19:28

Five years of sleep deprivation and feeling touched out every day has lead to severe, chronic depression. I don't know how I am still functioning.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 09/04/2022 19:29

Yep I can relate to that description. My dcs are now early adults and that phase is still very clear in my mind…

What I’ve learnt though is that this was a time I needed to put myself first and give a huge kick in the backside of their father who just wasn’t doing enough to help me (notice I only said help).
What would have helped is me taking a whole day for myself and leave the dcs with him.
What would have made a difference is him getting up at night so I could have a full night of sleep
What would have helped is him doing much more of the housework instead if carrying in with his hobbies as if he wasn’t a father.

It’s not you. You are not weak, pathetic or whatever else you can think of. It’s just that two young Dcs are exhausting and we used to have family around to help and take some of the load of our shoulders. And now we don’t. Fathers are supposed to have stepped in but they don’t. And we still have this stupid idea that we should be able do it all like our mothers and grand mothers (who didnt - see comment about te( fact they had a network around them to help them) and fathers just can’t be asked to do anything at all Hmm

The answer to your exhaustion is to share the load properly.

And tbh your DH should WANT to share that load with you because seeing you exhausted should make him want to help you?

Leodot · 09/04/2022 19:32

I feel like crying reading these comments! ❤️ I’m feeling like this a lot and it’s a relief to hear other people say it. OP do you have anyone that could look after your children so you could get a bit of rest and recharge at the weekend or anything?

Sleeping through from six weeks is so far from the norm. It’s also a complete lottery if your baby does. Unfortunately waking 4-5 times a night at 8 months is normal. It’s just that our society isn’t set up to help mothers deal with it.

Daisy95 · 09/04/2022 19:32

My mum burnout has literally just happened, had virus after virus, so exhausted I can barely function. I cry at pretty much anything, I literally hurt to move, like you say I feel like I could be dying.
my nearly two year old doesn't sleep, it's hell. Me and my husband literally worked out we've had 2 full nights sleep since having her.
You have my full sympathies x

mistermagpie · 09/04/2022 19:32

Like a terrible hangover, coupled with tears-eyed RAGE but no energy and no time to actually do anything about anything.

I have three children aged 2, 5 and 6. I also have a job and pets and a relationship which is under a lot of strain, and the usual financial worries and no extended family on my side at all. My 5 year old is one of those cautionary tale children who still doesn't sleep through the night, the two year old gets up at 5:30am and the 6 year old has behavioural problems. So yeah, it's a real picnic over here!

I do remind myself often that I chose this life and I am very grateful for what I have, but at 5:30am I'm not always as gracious as I could be.

StrongerOrWeaker · 09/04/2022 19:34

Tome it wasn't just being tired, it was also this groundhog Day feeling, knowing it was going to be same day over And over again in a loop. I can't say I found a way to snap out of it but gradually things got better as DC got older.
I think what you feel is not unusual.

DoctorSnortles · 09/04/2022 19:39

@PostingForTrafficz

4-5 times a night is a lot! Can you do anything to stop that? A lot more milk before bed time maybe? Both mine starting sleeping through entirely from about 6 weeks so it's alien to me.
There’s always one smuggo-twatface.
RishisPA · 09/04/2022 19:42

When I had actual PND I felt:

  • like I didn’t really want to exist
  • constant feeling of needing to escape- being tempted to drive off somewhere or stay in a hotel and turn phone off
  • detachment, seeing kids play and thinking ‘this should be so cute’ but feeling nothing
  • no hope for future.

CBT, medication and time helped

How I regularly feel burnt out which to me is:

  • constantly tired
  • constantly feeling I’m forgetting something
  • worrying about missing stuff, keeping everything in the diary and feeling stressed looking at it
  • no time for self care or exercise
  • trying to avoid children when with them all day (tv on, go on phone etc)

When I write it down it looks awful. I think we often expect/just get in with burnout thinking it’s part of life. Kids are similar age, you’re definitely not alone Flowers

Pavetheway · 09/04/2022 19:42

I also feel teary reading these comments. Thank you everyone, I can relate to all of this at the moment. Thank you.

Phos · 09/04/2022 19:43

Mine is when I get to the point where I just don’t want to be talked at anymore. My 5 year old just goes on and on at me, wants me involved in everything and I absolutely cannot do it. I don’t get a moments peace.

queenie2016 · 09/04/2022 19:44

6 year old and a 5 month old I'm exhausted my 6 year old is an angel to be fair baby isn't too bad but it's the broken sleep that kills me , baby's currently refusing bottles during the day so has been more fussy , I'm always feeling like I need a week in bed but that is a dream for the future to be able to sleep again! Please reach out to family if you can for a break a good nights sleep can do wonders .

Phos · 09/04/2022 19:45

I also find I flinch at noise. I’m trying to cope with my daughter wittering so if DH clatters about in the kitchen it makes me flinch, I hate the noise

ladygindiva · 09/04/2022 19:46

@PostingForTrafficz

4-5 times a night is a lot! Can you do anything to stop that? A lot more milk before bed time maybe? Both mine starting sleeping through entirely from about 6 weeks so it's alien to me.
You were very lucky! My first dc did this, and I think I subconsciously assumed any subsequent kids would be the same. Man I was so so wrong...
Traumdeuter · 09/04/2022 19:47

I have a 2 year old & it looks like total inertia after bedtime. I get through the day fine enough, but think I’ll spend the precious few hours between bedtime and my own bedtime doing something wholesome or useful like yoga, listening to podcasts, reading, sorting out old clothes etc. 9 times out of 10 I sit on the sofa drinking tea and scrolling until my eyes start to droop, then go to bed. I can’t remember when I last finished a book.

glowingcandle · 09/04/2022 19:48

Mine all centres around food. Not good I know! I stop eating healthily, stop exercising, and start snacking on loads of chocolate and sweets and as a consequence i gain weight.

I've been a parent eight years and looking back at photos I can tell when I was struggling as it's when my weight was highest.

Traumdeuter · 09/04/2022 19:50

@RishisPA

When I had actual PND I felt:
  • like I didn’t really want to exist
  • constant feeling of needing to escape- being tempted to drive off somewhere or stay in a hotel and turn phone off
  • detachment, seeing kids play and thinking ‘this should be so cute’ but feeling nothing
  • no hope for future.

CBT, medication and time helped

How I regularly feel burnt out which to me is:

  • constantly tired
  • constantly feeling I’m forgetting something
  • worrying about missing stuff, keeping everything in the diary and feeling stressed looking at it
  • no time for self care or exercise
  • trying to avoid children when with them all day (tv on, go on phone etc)

When I write it down it looks awful. I think we often expect/just get in with burnout thinking it’s part of life. Kids are similar age, you’re definitely not alone Flowers

@RishisPA 💛 I feel like that a lot, too. And I remember the feeling of needing to escape when I had a newborn. I had mild PND so it was only a couple of fleeting thoughts, but I went to the supermarket, a 5 min drive away, when DS was about six weeks old & distinctly remember thinking that I could just drive off into the distance and not go home.
Furrbabymama87 · 09/04/2022 19:51

I feel like walking out sometimes. I'd never actually do it though. The worst was during the lockdown looking after a toddler and trying to home school 2 young children and a teenager who were all noncompliant. The house was always a tip due to everyone being in all day, the kids were bored and whiny/ wild due to unused energy and my anxiety was through the roof. Too much time to contemplate all the bad things I've done in life and torture myself with them.

RunningChaos · 09/04/2022 19:53

Why does noone seem to talk about it? Everyone on social media is rainbows and butterflies about the early years. I have 1 10mo. I don't know how anyone copes with more?! She wakes 3-6x a night. I'm exhausted, I'm touched out, I don't feel attractive at all anymore. I'm forgetful, I'm super clumsy, I catastrophise, I feel like it's always me. I've crashed my car, hit a deer, and scratched my husbands car on a post. I'm intelligent, but I can't focus anymore. My brain is a blur. I'm resentful. I'm jealous my husband hasn't wrecked his body, mind, and have bags for days. I can't decide if its exhaustion or PND on a daily basis

EatTheToast · 09/04/2022 19:55

Urgh I know the feeling. 5 yo and 9 mo here and neither sleep. I agree it's the feeling of coming down with something, sore throat and constant headache. And sometimes I feel so so angry. I bire my lip when I get angry and some days I notice my lip is so sore, I don't even notice I've done it. And noone seems to offer to help with baby, it's hard.

Wam90 · 09/04/2022 19:55

This is me right now too. 3 year old and 10 month old, similarly awake during the night for a quick feed or popping the dummy back in but I feel dead on my feet! I’m hoping the weather cheering up might perk me up too! I did feel worse than this before I started taking pregnacare breastfeeding multi vitamins. I’m dreading going back to work because how on earth will I survive that on top of all of this ?!? 🥴

Wam90 · 09/04/2022 19:57

@Furrbabymama87 I dream of my escape daily but would never do it! And then I feel guilty about imagining it! 🤦🏼‍♀️

numananumana · 09/04/2022 19:57

Sinus pain, headache, lethargy , nausea, stomach ache, brain fog. My other half described feeling this way the other day and was concerned he had covid. I was like I feel like this daily!!

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/04/2022 19:57

For me the struggle was trying to hold down a (demanding) job and be a parent. I just often felt like I do a shit job at both. A shit employee and a shit parent. And my mind never stopped whirring - work, home, guilt, worries.

I’m on maternity leave now and it’s such a blessed relief but I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about going back and starting it again.

MuchTooTired · 09/04/2022 19:58

I feel completely touched out, have zero patience and like I can’t process what the fuck they’re whinging about now simultaneously. In reality, they’re just 4 year olds being 4 year olds both talking at the same time, but I cannot follow what one of them is saying let alone both.

Tbf to DH, he now recognises this and sends me away and takes over the kids so I can get myself back together again. I find that a little bit of silence and brain space massively helps me recharge so I can get back to our life!

pardonmytits · 09/04/2022 20:00

Thank you all. While I’m sorry so many of us are feeling so burned out, I think it helps a bit to know we’re not alone.

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