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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mistake made, advice please

140 replies

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:29

I have already posted on single parents forum but only had two responses and feel really down and need to get it off my chest.

I have been abroad first time as a single parent with DD (6) we had an amazing time until towards end of holiday. Man kissed me in our bar - DD was very upset and the next day she was still upset. She said you are only allowed to kiss daddy (we have been separated 3 years now). I feel sick with guilt over it, she was really really upset and said she doesn’t want a new daddy.

I spoke to her lots the next day that daddy will never ever be replaced he’s the best daddy and he will always be her daddy. She said she was really sad because mummy didn’t want him to kiss her and was going to tell daddy and nanny, so I said she doesn’t need to be sad and tell them because Mummy is ok.

She went to her dads tonight and he messaged and said she ran in and said Mummy has told me I’ve got to keep a secret from you. I didn’t tell her to keep a secret but he’s blown whole thing lit of proportion. Before I went on holiday he had messaged me constantly (even though we have been split up 3 years) saying please tell him who the man is that I’m going on holiday with. It was just me and DD and we had an amazing holiday, but I feel like I’ve proved I’m everything he has always accused me of.

I feel even worse now that she thinks it was a secret, when it wasent. Have I been really unreasonable? Please don’t be too harsh as already feeling really hurt that I’ve let DD down.

OP posts:

Calandor · 08/04/2022 10:09

Stop beating yourself up. Worse things have happened at sea.

Tell him you didn't tell her to keep a secret and that you were kissed without your consent.

Tell her that mum and dad are not getting back together and that 'telling' on you doesn't work because daddy isn't in charge of mummy.

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 08/04/2022 10:15

@Calandor

Stop beating yourself up. Worse things have happened at sea.

Tell him you didn't tell her to keep a secret and that you were kissed without your consent.

Tell her that mum and dad are not getting back together and that 'telling' on you doesn't work because daddy isn't in charge of mummy.

Not quite.. Tell your ex you didn’t tell dd to keep a secret. Then tell him - and (kindly) your DD - that it is none of your ex’s business who you kiss

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/04/2022 10:25

@NeverDropYourMooncup excellent post

I feel sorry for you OP, as your ex and daughter both seem to want to control you and make you dance to their tune (s). Sounds very draining. Time for plenty of boundaries. Ignore the ex’s last text -it’s all none of his business

Brefugee · 08/04/2022 11:26

also, OP, i would suggest having email only contact for future. So when he says he can't have her, you know in your mind it's coming from him. Save them all and later when she's older and better able to understand you can tell her with confidence that you have never tried to stop her seeing him and (if needs must) you have the back up of having it in writing (you can decide if you tell/show her that evidence yourself)

Original poster

Mam576 · 08/04/2022 23:18

I sat her down today and told her that mummy and daddy are not together and we are not going to be . It broke her little heart :( she was so angry so I let her throw things around and say she didn’t like me etc etc/ she eventually calmed down and apologised. But I told her it’s ok to get angry and sad and upset, I said I understood that she was feeling really upset. It broke my heart telling her as when I stepped outside her room she was talking to her dolls crying saying but I never got to see my mum and dad living together only when I was little and I didn’t remember. That really broke my heart :(. For her to be told it was final was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know like lots of the posters have said it should hopefully in due course help her process the situation better.

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 08/04/2022 23:31

@Saltyquiche

Just explain to him that during one of the group socials a tipsy bloke kissed you, much to your surprise. This upset DD as she has hopes of mummy and daddy getting back together. You’ve reassured DD lots and maybe he could offer reassurance to her also

No, no, no, he’s not entitled to any kind of explanation. They’re not together. @Mam576 owes her ex nothing. The less he gets to know about her life, the better. He’s just going to keep abusing her at arm’s length if this involvement in her life continues.

WordOfTheDay · 09/04/2022 07:47

Well done, Mam576!

This is a big step forward, allowing you and your DD to move on and build your lovely new lives with honestly.

Also, well done on going on holiday with DD without a partner for the first time, that was also a milestone for you both on your new separate road together.

DrManhattan · 09/04/2022 07:59

Is her dad telling her you are going to get back together ? Stop bigging him up, he sounds like a prick. He can do his own PR, that's not your job.

OatmilkandCookies · 09/04/2022 08:00

Some people are blowing this way out of proportion.
You took your DD on a lovely holiday which she really enjoyed and towards the end, you had a cheeky kiss in a bar. You were hardly bringing men back to your room!
I agree with those who are saying be more upfront and honest with DD about you and her dad - that you're not getting back together. Although spending Christmas together is lovely, maybe it is confusing her and giving her mixed messages - my SiL and her ex do this with their DD but they split very amicably, no abuse etc, so if you do continue to do Christmas, make sure she knows you and her dad will not get back together. As PP have said she might be angry and upset at first, but let her, and give her a safe space to talk about those emotions.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 09/04/2022 08:10

Some of the comments and judging on this thread are an absolute disgrace.

OP, you sound lovely and like you are doing everything you can to be the best mum to your DD. Going on holiday on your own with her is really brave. You are allowed to have fun and enjoy your holiday too - not be tucked up in your room at 7.30 of an evening!

Please don't take on board any of the criticism on here but there is some great advice from Coco and Mooncup and others

Wheniruletheworld · 09/04/2022 08:16

You need to stop letting a 6 year old child direct your life. Her daddy also needs to wind his neck in; you've been split for 3 years, he has no right to ask if you are going away with another person. Please start living a life for you

pictish · 09/04/2022 08:20

@Wheniruletheworld

Agree. She’s 6…you don’t have to justify yourself to her over minor stuff like this. It’s actually more reassuring for her if you don’t. Because I said so has its merits.

Threetulips · 09/04/2022 09:54

Yesterday my now 19 year old daughter thanked me for being honest with her about a current situation where everyone else is glossing over it and pretending it’s all ok.

That is to me the biggest gift we can give our children. From honesty comes trust.

Original poster

Mam576 · 09/04/2022 10:15

@Threetulips That is really reassuring thank you. It’s really hard initially but like you’ve mentioned with honesty comes trust.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mam576 · 09/04/2022 10:18

@MrsDeaconClaybourne Thank you very much. I agree @NeverDropYourMooncup and @Cocomarine have really given great advice and when I have been re-reading your posts so thank you

OP posts:

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