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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mistake made, advice please

140 replies

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:29

I have already posted on single parents forum but only had two responses and feel really down and need to get it off my chest.

I have been abroad first time as a single parent with DD (6) we had an amazing time until towards end of holiday. Man kissed me in our bar - DD was very upset and the next day she was still upset. She said you are only allowed to kiss daddy (we have been separated 3 years now). I feel sick with guilt over it, she was really really upset and said she doesn’t want a new daddy.

I spoke to her lots the next day that daddy will never ever be replaced he’s the best daddy and he will always be her daddy. She said she was really sad because mummy didn’t want him to kiss her and was going to tell daddy and nanny, so I said she doesn’t need to be sad and tell them because Mummy is ok.

She went to her dads tonight and he messaged and said she ran in and said Mummy has told me I’ve got to keep a secret from you. I didn’t tell her to keep a secret but he’s blown whole thing lit of proportion. Before I went on holiday he had messaged me constantly (even though we have been split up 3 years) saying please tell him who the man is that I’m going on holiday with. It was just me and DD and we had an amazing holiday, but I feel like I’ve proved I’m everything he has always accused me of.

I feel even worse now that she thinks it was a secret, when it wasent. Have I been really unreasonable? Please don’t be too harsh as already feeling really hurt that I’ve let DD down.

OP posts:
YourWinter · 07/04/2022 23:01

OP sorry, my post was rude and judgemental. Too close to home, as my adult DD is about to go on holiday with my DGS and I was unfairly projecting after a tense conversation I had with her. I apologise.

RobertaFirmino · 07/04/2022 23:02

How classy OP

Nowhere near as uncultivated as jumping in to berate someone for something they haven't done because you couldn't be bothered to RTFT.

Saltyquiche · 07/04/2022 23:03

Just explain to him that during one of the group socials a tipsy bloke kissed you, much to your surprise. This upset DD as she has hopes of mummy and daddy getting back together. You’ve reassured DD lots and maybe he could offer reassurance to her also

Thinkingblonde · 07/04/2022 23:04

Don’t beat yourself up, he’s known exactly what he was doing, it’s another way to abuse you.
From what you said about the kiss, it sounds like he took you by surprise. It’s not as if it was a full on snog with wandering hands!
You’ve had some good advice on how to handle your daughter going forward.

Dimondsareforever · 07/04/2022 23:04

Yikes. Can’t believe some of the replies on here! ‘We’re you attacked / you need to set boundaries’ etc… bloody hell is a man never allowed to try and flirt?

Op you have done nothing wrong. DH is overreacting and your love life is not his business.

Regarding DD, understand why she upset, but maybe this is the time to introduce to her that one day mummy might find a man to spend time with.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 23:04

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese I do need to speak honestly. I’m dreading it for when her dad drops her off in the morning. But I’m going to have a good chat with her tomorrow about everything.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2022 23:10

Maybe we need to make this very clear for posters who haven't taken the time to read the OP.

Op booked a holiday. Her ex decided she was going on holiday with a new man, which as he was abusive in the relationship, seems to be the normal assumption for abusive men.

OP went on holiday and they had a great time, the DD playing and her talking to other parents with their children.

At a children's disco, where alcohol is served, one of the Dads had too much to drink and he kissed the OP without warning, much less consent.

OP, being conditioned by society, surprise and probably the abusive ex to not make a fuss, didn't make a fuss about it - because reacting very often gets women who have been assaulted/kissed without their consent punched in the face.

DD saw the man kiss her. She then, because she has been manipulated by her father to watch out and tell him when Mummy's being naughty, said she'd tell Daddy. OP said she was OK and Daddy didn't need to know. Because he didn't need to know that the OP had been kissed without her consent.

OP did not explain about female socialisation, the dangers that drunk men can pose to women or consent on the whole as it applies to adults because that's a shitload of stuff that a 6 year old is not equipped to comprehend, especially when she's already being manipulated by her father to beg for Mummy to take him back, as she has no concept of the relationship being abusive, what with being 6 years old.

DD has then told Daddy. Who has gone absolutely apeshit. Because he owns OP in his mind.

And then MN is coming on here and accusing her of drunken sluttishness in front of children. Much like the OP's abusive ex is doing.

Dotell · 07/04/2022 23:11

FGS KISSING IS NOT FLIRTING. Jesus.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 23:15

@NeverDropYourMooncup thank you for taking time to write that, it makes so much more sense reading that from somebody else’s perspective. Some of these comments have been quite hurtful because I have never deliberately hurt my DD and it was a situation which I did not expect to find myself in.

OP posts:
foxlover47 · 07/04/2022 23:16

@Mam576 you haven't got anything to be guilty of , typical man pushing his boundaries because you've been chatting , trying his luck ... that's not on you.
My ex used to question my two all the time about who i had seen , where we had been etc etc ... he's in the wrong manipulating your daughter.
Just remember that you had a great holiday together , don't let this last night ruin that , when you want to meet someone and you decide it will be serious enough to combine your worlds , you just explain to her that daddy will always be her daddy but you and he are not mummy and daddy together ... mind you maybe gentle reminders to her now that you are not going to be together is okay too. 6 is a age you can explain that to her.
Please don't keep feeling bad , you're amazing going away with your daughter as a single parent ... it's damm hard lol

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/04/2022 23:16

Some people are being ridiculously judgmental here. You've been separated for three years and have the right to a social life. You weren't neglecting DD or behaving inappropriately. A man unexpectedly kissed you. No big deal so stop beating yourself up. Is it your ex who is blowing this out of all proportion?

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/04/2022 23:20

Some of these comments have been quite hurtful because I have never deliberately hurt my DD and it was a situation which I did not expect to find myself in

But you didn’t hurt her did you? Her father put those ideas in her head, and you agreed with him!

A quick ‘mummy is allowed to kiss other people’ would be enough.

I would enter into any more conversations about it, other than you are a grown up and make your own decisions.

Nothing to be gain from saying it was unexpected and you didn’t want to. She too young to understand.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 23:22

@thinkingaboutLangCleg he has messaged tonight saying that DD ran in and told him. And that he’s really surprised at me as he didn’t expect that sort of behaviour from me especially in front of DD. I already felt crap about it as DD was so upset after it but then his reaction not helped.

OP posts:
Hausa · 07/04/2022 23:31

[quote Mam576]@thinkingaboutLangCleg he has messaged tonight saying that DD ran in and told him. And that he’s really surprised at me as he didn’t expect that sort of behaviour from me especially in front of DD. I already felt crap about it as DD was so upset after it but then his reaction not helped.[/quote]
Tell him him to fuck off. Seriously, OP. You don’t owe this man any explanations. You are not required to engage. So stop.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 08/04/2022 00:11

I agree with Mam576!

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 08/04/2022 00:13

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

I agree with Mam576!
Ooops, time I went to bed! Mam576, I agree with Hausa.
LoveSpringDaffs · 08/04/2022 05:14

@Mam576. I'm glad you're getting some counselling. Tell them about this and maybe someone 'in person' can help you see how your thinking is coming from an 'abused point of view'.

A man kissed you.

A quick ' mummy isn't with Daddy, I can kiss who I want to. Sure you can tell Daddy, but it's none of his business who mummy kisses' type comment.

You are both giving her too much responsibility/power. You're both setting up him & her being the boss of you.

Talk to her, but do NOT say you're sorry for the kiss or it shouldn't have happened in front of her. It was a kiss & you're allowed to kiss who you want to.

BackInMarch2020PreCovid · 08/04/2022 05:39

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Maybe we need to make this very clear for posters who haven't taken the time to read the OP.

Op booked a holiday. Her ex decided she was going on holiday with a new man, which as he was abusive in the relationship, seems to be the normal assumption for abusive men.

OP went on holiday and they had a great time, the DD playing and her talking to other parents with their children.

At a children's disco, where alcohol is served, one of the Dads had too much to drink and he kissed the OP without warning, much less consent.

OP, being conditioned by society, surprise and probably the abusive ex to not make a fuss, didn't make a fuss about it - because reacting very often gets women who have been assaulted/kissed without their consent punched in the face.

DD saw the man kiss her. She then, because she has been manipulated by her father to watch out and tell him when Mummy's being naughty, said she'd tell Daddy. OP said she was OK and Daddy didn't need to know. Because he didn't need to know that the OP had been kissed without her consent.

OP did not explain about female socialisation, the dangers that drunk men can pose to women or consent on the whole as it applies to adults because that's a shitload of stuff that a 6 year old is not equipped to comprehend, especially when she's already being manipulated by her father to beg for Mummy to take him back, as she has no concept of the relationship being abusive, what with being 6 years old.

DD has then told Daddy. Who has gone absolutely apeshit. Because he owns OP in his mind.

And then MN is coming on here and accusing her of drunken sluttishness in front of children. Much like the OP's abusive ex is doing.

First class post.

OP re read this again and again whenever you’re having a wobble

pictish · 08/04/2022 06:17

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Maybe we need to make this very clear for posters who haven't taken the time to read the OP.

Op booked a holiday. Her ex decided she was going on holiday with a new man, which as he was abusive in the relationship, seems to be the normal assumption for abusive men.

OP went on holiday and they had a great time, the DD playing and her talking to other parents with their children.

At a children's disco, where alcohol is served, one of the Dads had too much to drink and he kissed the OP without warning, much less consent.

OP, being conditioned by society, surprise and probably the abusive ex to not make a fuss, didn't make a fuss about it - because reacting very often gets women who have been assaulted/kissed without their consent punched in the face.

DD saw the man kiss her. She then, because she has been manipulated by her father to watch out and tell him when Mummy's being naughty, said she'd tell Daddy. OP said she was OK and Daddy didn't need to know. Because he didn't need to know that the OP had been kissed without her consent.

OP did not explain about female socialisation, the dangers that drunk men can pose to women or consent on the whole as it applies to adults because that's a shitload of stuff that a 6 year old is not equipped to comprehend, especially when she's already being manipulated by her father to beg for Mummy to take him back, as she has no concept of the relationship being abusive, what with being 6 years old.

DD has then told Daddy. Who has gone absolutely apeshit. Because he owns OP in his mind.

And then MN is coming on here and accusing her of drunken sluttishness in front of children. Much like the OP's abusive ex is doing.

Well said. What a clutch of hags this place throws up from time to time. Bloody awful.
pictish · 08/04/2022 06:19

[quote Mam576]@thinkingaboutLangCleg he has messaged tonight saying that DD ran in and told him. And that he’s really surprised at me as he didn’t expect that sort of behaviour from me especially in front of DD. I already felt crap about it as DD was so upset after it but then his reaction not helped.[/quote]
Yes, you owe him nothing by way of explanation. Tell him to mind his own business and mean it.

ArnoldBee · 08/04/2022 06:31

You also need to stop living your life not upsetting a 6 year old. Your her parent if you carry on like this you're going to have an out of control teen on your hands. My 14 year old step daughter lives with us as her mum never wanted to upset her and became an out on control teen...You also don't need to live your life without any relationships at all. Stop making declarations and just take life as it comes.

roundtable · 08/04/2022 07:19

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Maybe we need to make this very clear for posters who haven't taken the time to read the OP.

Op booked a holiday. Her ex decided she was going on holiday with a new man, which as he was abusive in the relationship, seems to be the normal assumption for abusive men.

OP went on holiday and they had a great time, the DD playing and her talking to other parents with their children.

At a children's disco, where alcohol is served, one of the Dads had too much to drink and he kissed the OP without warning, much less consent.

OP, being conditioned by society, surprise and probably the abusive ex to not make a fuss, didn't make a fuss about it - because reacting very often gets women who have been assaulted/kissed without their consent punched in the face.

DD saw the man kiss her. She then, because she has been manipulated by her father to watch out and tell him when Mummy's being naughty, said she'd tell Daddy. OP said she was OK and Daddy didn't need to know. Because he didn't need to know that the OP had been kissed without her consent.

OP did not explain about female socialisation, the dangers that drunk men can pose to women or consent on the whole as it applies to adults because that's a shitload of stuff that a 6 year old is not equipped to comprehend, especially when she's already being manipulated by her father to beg for Mummy to take him back, as she has no concept of the relationship being abusive, what with being 6 years old.

DD has then told Daddy. Who has gone absolutely apeshit. Because he owns OP in his mind.

And then MN is coming on here and accusing her of drunken sluttishness in front of children. Much like the OP's abusive ex is doing.

Completely agree!

It's great you've started councilling op but get in touch with woman's aid for support. I also agree with the posters that have told you to stop praising your ex.

Posters who launched in straight for the attack. I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve but if looking like an arsehole was it -you did it. Well done.

Brefugee · 08/04/2022 07:33

You're separated/divorced, OP, so you can kiss someone if you want.

And i agree with NeverDrop's excellent summary - it is beyond ridiculous that OP is being berated for something a man did to her. (so far so MN, frankly)

OP in your shoes? I'd stop praising your ex to high heavens, although i'd cut back on this gradually so your DD doesn't really notice.

Your DD is going to be upset sometime so you may as well tell her that while both her parents love her they don't love each other and will not be living together again.

Stop spending together "as a family" too - that is another example of your Ex controlling your time. Put a stop to it. As a matter of interest, what did your parents say when DD asked if they like her dad?

It is hugely difficult for you, but you need to set your DDs expectations. The idea that her dad might go on holiday with you and spending time with him at Christmas isn't doing that.

I do think it is a mistake to say "you don't need to tell dad that" though. That is almost like asking her to keep a secret (it is in her 6 year old mind) so be careful of things like that in future.

Thatsplentyjack · 08/04/2022 07:44

You are both giving her too much responsibility/power. You're both setting up him & her being the boss of you.

Absolutely, and you are being mad to mfeel guilty by everyone around you (including some idiots here) about a situation that sounds like you didn't have much control over. You need to stop praising the abusive ex infrastructure of dd. You are affirming to her that he is always right and he's in charge.
This was not your fault. Stop feeling guilt and tell the ex it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

Can't believe some of the responses here.

napody · 08/04/2022 08:20

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

You poor thing. You have been so broken down that when some drunk idiot takes his chances you somehow blame yourself. And DD blames you and abusive ex gets to dump on you too. I do think you are giving her mixed messages spending time all together as a family with your abusive ex, that needs to stop. What also needs to stop is this narrative that mummy does naughty things (and gets dobbed on!) This instance should have been a simple “that naughty man was drunk, men/boys aren't allowed to kiss our lips like that". If she gets upset you are feeding it by getting upset too.
This. And every post that cocomarine has written. It’s your ex’s fault she has reacted like this, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about the shite he says to her which must be so painful. Glad you’ve started seeing a counsellor. And yes, definitely stop bigging him up!