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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mistake made, advice please

140 replies

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:29

I have already posted on single parents forum but only had two responses and feel really down and need to get it off my chest.

I have been abroad first time as a single parent with DD (6) we had an amazing time until towards end of holiday. Man kissed me in our bar - DD was very upset and the next day she was still upset. She said you are only allowed to kiss daddy (we have been separated 3 years now). I feel sick with guilt over it, she was really really upset and said she doesn’t want a new daddy.

I spoke to her lots the next day that daddy will never ever be replaced he’s the best daddy and he will always be her daddy. She said she was really sad because mummy didn’t want him to kiss her and was going to tell daddy and nanny, so I said she doesn’t need to be sad and tell them because Mummy is ok.

She went to her dads tonight and he messaged and said she ran in and said Mummy has told me I’ve got to keep a secret from you. I didn’t tell her to keep a secret but he’s blown whole thing lit of proportion. Before I went on holiday he had messaged me constantly (even though we have been split up 3 years) saying please tell him who the man is that I’m going on holiday with. It was just me and DD and we had an amazing holiday, but I feel like I’ve proved I’m everything he has always accused me of.

I feel even worse now that she thinks it was a secret, when it wasent. Have I been really unreasonable? Please don’t be too harsh as already feeling really hurt that I’ve let DD down.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:36

@ElenaSt

Am I missing something? You were in a bar with your six year old where one of your new holiday friends was drunk and you didn’t leave?

Why were you even in a bar when you had your child with you?

🤣 have you never been to Butlins?! Is this a class thing? Don’t be silly. Children have a wonderful time at the early evening disco in - for example - Spanish family focused hotels - dancing with the hotel “character” (costumed, often) whilst the parents watch with a bottle of beer. I speak as a teetotaller. Get the stick out of your backside! Even Centerparcs serves alcohol you know! 🤣
CinnamonJellyBeans · 07/04/2022 22:37

@bluejelly

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You shouldn't be scared of your daughter's emotions. They are not reasonable and don't need to be indulged. The more guilt you display the more she will push. Be calm, firm and move on.
Yes, I agree.
dollymuchymuchness · 07/04/2022 22:37

Dear god, stop judging @Mam576 so harshly.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:37

@LoveSpringDaffs you’ve hit the nail on the head with everything you have said in your post thank you. She defintley still thinks that her dad is the boss, as she always says I’m going to tell daddy. He was really excited to see him today and he messaged and said he was working early tomorrow can she not jsut come round tomorrow. So I told her and she got really annoyed at me and said why am I stopping her from seeing her dad. She spoke to him on the phone and he was like I hope you have lots of cuddles ready for me. It’s frustrating

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 07/04/2022 22:37

I Agree with Coco. I can just imagine this idiot thinking he can take advantage of you being there on your own. And your poor dds reaction is so extreme because her father is placing these ideas in her head. You have not done anything wrong here op. However you do need to look at maybe sitting down with your dd and explaining the situation with her dad.

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster · 07/04/2022 22:37

Honestly, this is coming from your ex. No 6 year old is thinking this stuff on their own. HE is pulling the strings. HE is drip feeding her this crap.

Be open and honest with with her in an age appropriate way but realise that this 'I want our family back together' crap is coming from him!

NettleTea · 07/04/2022 22:39

you need to stop making sure that she sees him in a good light - that is his job not yours. Its not up to you to create a good relationship between them. Your job is to make a good relationship, an honest one, between you and her.
And that means being the adult, and not pussy footing round her so she gets what she wants. She is 6. Its not good for kids to be in charge, it is really really not. And its OK for them to get upset, to be told NO, to have boundaries drawn. Its OK for them to be angry.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:40

“You can tell daddy what you like darling.”

“Ah, daddy said to drop you round after he finishes work tomorrow.”
“No, I can’t take you today, daddy is expecting you tomorrow.”

Keep going with the counselling x

Dotell · 07/04/2022 22:42

I really don't understand why women do this. While you are praising and idolising your abusive ex to your daughter, he is tearing you down and using her to control you. You are setting her up for disappointments. You have done nothing wrong. In a way you could say someone assaulted you and you are the one feeling guilty, your 6 yrs old is giving you shit about it and now your ex too (how is this his business). Hopefully your counsellor is a really good on.

BHX3000 · 07/04/2022 22:45

I also think you need to stop praising her dad if he's not somebody who deserves to be praised.

My parents had an abusive relationship and the biggest favour my mum did me was to always be completely honest and transparent about how things really were. She made sure I knew about boundaries and what is normal behaviour, and what NOT to put up with. I always be grateful for her attitude towards it. It was not a case of bad-mouthing my dad (which he of course accused her of), it was a case of her being completely clear with us on how that wasn't acceptable. No sugar coating, no defending him, she clearly told us what was nice and what wasn't.

By defending him to her, you're not setting her up for a life of healthy relationships and healthy boundaries towards men. She needs to know if he was abusive and why that is not acceptable in any form, from a man or a woman. You don't want her 20 years down the line, coming to you after getting involved in a toxic friendship or a toxic relationship with someone.

SarahDippity · 07/04/2022 22:46

I feel for you, @Mam576, and hope you don’t beat yourself up. Well done on starting counselling, this shows you are aware you need to figure out your past relationship and understand yourself better, so well done. I agree with a previous poster who said to gently say you misspoke, there’s no ‘secret’, and the man caught you unawares. It’s very difficult to navigate these situations; you were taken by surprise, and now you’re left feeling flustered and guilty over a situation in which you are blameless. Flowers

RosesAndHellebores · 07/04/2022 22:48

Surely the only reasonable response to your daughter was "mummy and daddy love you very much but we aren't together any more, that means mummy is allowed to kiss other men but mummy shouldn't have done that in front of you.".

Why on earth would you use a child as a pawn in what was once a toxic relationship?

I think you have been bang out of order and if you are not 100% honest with your daughter she will never ever trust you.

Walkingalot · 07/04/2022 22:50

Please don't feel guilty for having an innocent kiss on holiday. Your DD sounds far too preoccupied by what happened and it doesn't sound a typical reaction. You've been split from her DF for 3 yrs and she's only 6.
I think perhaps her DF has been putting ideas into her head or even asking her leading questions/making a big deal of it. I know you don't want to upset your DD but you really have got to spell it out that you're not going to be together again and one day you might want a new man in your life (and that's entirely your choice not hers).

Wheresthebeach · 07/04/2022 22:51

@HarryDresdensLeatherDuster

Honestly, this is coming from your ex. No 6 year old is thinking this stuff on their own. HE is pulling the strings. HE is drip feeding her this crap.

Be open and honest with with her in an age appropriate way but realise that this 'I want our family back together' crap is coming from him!

Yep - and for Gods sake get a divorce.
Thinkingblonde · 07/04/2022 22:51

Is it possible that your daughter has overheard your ex going on about you going on holiday with another man and this has made her hyper vigilant? Possibly been playing on her mind and seen this man from the bar giving you a kiss and it’s confirmed what her dads been saying?

bumblefeline · 07/04/2022 22:53

If this is real I will eat my own hat.

Why so many stories on here of late?

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:54

Not deviating away from the subject but like a lot of you have said I really need to stop praising her dad and being more honest and upfront with her in an age appropriate way.

I didn’t realise that praising her dad could have such a negative impact. @BHX3000 I think your past experience has highlighted this, so thank you for sharing.

OP posts:
AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 07/04/2022 22:56

@Mam576 some good advice here in amongst the unhelpful judging. It sounds like you’ve done well in leaving an abusive relationship. But you are still allowing him to abuse you via your contact arrangements.

Boundaries are what you need. With your ex, with your DD, and with randoms who choose to kiss you without consent. Your DD is a child though, so it is your responsibility to hold the line, even if it upsets her in the moment. As PPs have said, she needs to know that you and her dad are never going to be together as a couple. Some may disagree but imo it’s okay to tell her an age appropriate version of the truth eg that daddy wasn’t always kind to you so it’s happier for everyone if you live apart forever.

Counselling will help.

Good luck.

ronjobbins · 07/04/2022 22:56

@AnyFucker

You had a snog with some random in front of your 6yo daughter ? Hmm
How classy OP
Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:57

@Thinkingblonde as soon as I told him I was going on holiday he said I basically need to go through him first and let him know who the man is I’m going with becuase I couldn’t possibly be going on my own with DD. So I think like you’ve said something has been said because she had a very big reaction.

OP posts:
YourWinter · 07/04/2022 22:58

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Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:59

Just fuck off with your victim blaming shite @YourWinter

Aaaabbbcccc · 07/04/2022 23:00

Wtaf

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 23:00

@YourWinter he was a single dad with 2 girls. I wouldn’t say it was flirting, he was asking about a trip we had been on and was talking about his daughters and a new job he had started. I had a couple of drinks but I was not drunk.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 07/04/2022 23:01

You poor thing. You have been so broken down that when some drunk idiot takes his chances you somehow blame yourself. And DD blames you and abusive ex gets to dump on you too.
I do think you are giving her mixed messages spending time all together as a family with your abusive ex, that needs to stop. What also needs to stop is this narrative that mummy does naughty things (and gets dobbed on!) This instance should have been a simple “that naughty man was drunk, men/boys aren't allowed to kiss our lips like that". If she gets upset you are feeding it by getting upset too.