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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mistake made, advice please

140 replies

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:29

I have already posted on single parents forum but only had two responses and feel really down and need to get it off my chest.

I have been abroad first time as a single parent with DD (6) we had an amazing time until towards end of holiday. Man kissed me in our bar - DD was very upset and the next day she was still upset. She said you are only allowed to kiss daddy (we have been separated 3 years now). I feel sick with guilt over it, she was really really upset and said she doesn’t want a new daddy.

I spoke to her lots the next day that daddy will never ever be replaced he’s the best daddy and he will always be her daddy. She said she was really sad because mummy didn’t want him to kiss her and was going to tell daddy and nanny, so I said she doesn’t need to be sad and tell them because Mummy is ok.

She went to her dads tonight and he messaged and said she ran in and said Mummy has told me I’ve got to keep a secret from you. I didn’t tell her to keep a secret but he’s blown whole thing lit of proportion. Before I went on holiday he had messaged me constantly (even though we have been split up 3 years) saying please tell him who the man is that I’m going on holiday with. It was just me and DD and we had an amazing holiday, but I feel like I’ve proved I’m everything he has always accused me of.

I feel even worse now that she thinks it was a secret, when it wasent. Have I been really unreasonable? Please don’t be too harsh as already feeling really hurt that I’ve let DD down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:42

@Dumblebum she wants me and her dad to be together, she says all the time please can we all live together like we use to. We spent time together over Christmas as that is what she wanted. So she was really upset because she said I want daddy to kiss you not somebody else Sad

OP posts:
Briefly · 07/04/2022 21:43

I think you should just explain that DD is upset because this man gave you a very ordinary parting social kiss and you misspoke in responding to her announcement that she was going to tell ex (as the only person you apparently should be kissing) - you said it wasn't necessary for her to tell ex as the dynamic was inappropriate to that, not that she had keep some kind of secret. But she's an angry, hurting little girl and is saying whatever she can to project that.

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 21:44

This makes no sense.

He kissed you when you didn't want him to.

Dd somehow turned this into "I dont want a new dad" you then explained no one would replace her dad. You also explained how you didn't want to kiss this man and that's not OK to do.

Then somehow communicated she shouldn't tell anyone, but you don't know how she got that idea. Even though it would have been better for you if she didn't say anything. It's just a coincidence.

Babar100 · 07/04/2022 21:45

There’s no point beating yourself up about it now! I can see how this would be really upsetting to her so I’d just try to reassure her as much as possible and learn from your mistake and not kiss anyone in front of her again until it’s someone you’re serious about and you have given her the time to process the idea of having a new man on the scene.

I’m sure it’ll all be forgotten soon.

It’s none of your ex’s business who you kiss. obvs you might need to explain how it was a lack of judgement and you never asked her to keep it a secret….he’s probably not best pleased at how upset she is.

Heronwatcher · 07/04/2022 21:45

From your update I think you maybe have to set some boundaries here. I’m still not sure if you wanted the kiss or not? If a drunk random kisses you in a bar and you don’t want them to then you don’t have to laugh it off you know? So far as your daughter is concerned just explain honestly what happened, the man was being silly, it took you by surprise and you didn’t enjoy it. Ignore your ex, this is between you and your daughter.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 07/04/2022 21:46

It sounds a bit more than a peck on the lips to say goodbye judging by your DD's reaction.

Are you playing it down due to embarrassment?

We can't help you if you are not honest.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:47

@Turningpurple she said she was mad and was going to tell her dad so I said you don’t need to tell daddy becuase mummy is ok. I would not tell her to keep a secret, so I’m just concerned she thinks it was a secret

OP posts:
Babar100 · 07/04/2022 21:47

Maybe you shouldn’t spend time together over holidays like xmas…it’s probably confusing for her at this age and might get her hopes up.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2022 21:47

I don’t understand why you are “wracked with guilt” if the kiss was an uninvited lunge for the lips

Quartz2208 · 07/04/2022 21:48

You sound very passive about everything.

If you dont want to and there is no chance of getting back with your ex then you need to be very clear. Spending Christmas together is giving her mixed messages.

You also need to make clear that actually you are allowed to kiss other men and that you and her Daddy arent together but you arent planning on dating anyone and will take your time

But the whole kiss thing does sound odd - what did his partner say?

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:49

@Heronwatcher that’s exactly what I’ve said, I said the man was being silly and he should not have done that. When we we’re leaving she said she didn’t want to leave the hotel as she had the best holiday. So I’m hoping she forgets it really quickly as I feel sick with guilt

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:52

@Quartz2208 he didn’t have a partner, there were other families we had all been talking.

@AnyFucker I’m wrecked with guilt because I didn’t react and just laughed it off, I’m so annoyed at myself becusse I wish I had just got up and left but because we had been talking I stayed and carried on talking

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 07/04/2022 21:53

Was it a peck on the lips or a proper snog? Your story is so vague it's really hard to comment!

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 21:53

[quote Mam576]@Turningpurple she said she was mad and was going to tell her dad so I said you don’t need to tell daddy becuase mummy is ok. I would not tell her to keep a secret, so I’m just concerned she thinks it was a secret[/quote]
OK but I don't get it.

You didn't want to be kissed. It was without your consent and you weren't happy. She was going to tell her dad that's what happened and you told her not to? Why?

Now it looks like you were snogging some random in front of your daughter and then tries to get her to hide it from her dad.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 21:55

I think it’s unfair that some people are pushing that you should have pulled away.
In the moment, in front of children, with relatively unknown to us drunk man, a lot of women “wouldn’t make a fuss”.

I would tell your ex that a drunken man lunged at you and you told your daughter that wasn’t OK, but that she didn’t need to tell him. I’d also tell him that it’s really shown up how clear the boundaries need to be that you are not together - so no repeat of Xmas.

Then you need to be really clear with your daughter. Saying no-one will replace daddy? I mean, no future partner of yours will replace him as her father. But she hears - you won’t have another man. Use this event to tell her that one day, you might have a boyfriend - and that boyfriend won’t replace her dad’s role as her father. But a boyfriend you may have all the same.

He’s asking you who you’re going away with, so I expect he’s filling her head with shite. Which means you need to be extra clear in your actions and language.

taylorsdoingapart · 07/04/2022 21:59

No wonder she's upset. She's six and you're giving her such mixed messages. You spent Christmas together because that's what she wanted, then you seemed happy about a kiss with a random in front of her, then you got upset once she was upset.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:00

Don’t feel guilty about your reaction to his kiss. Quite apart from being socialised your whole life to not make a fuss and even be flattered by men’s attention, in the moment your brain concluded (not illogically) that it was a safe strategy. None of that is your fault to feel guilty about.
Could you have handled if differently? Yes.
Do you wish you had? Yes.
Was he an arsehole? Yes.
None of that means you have to feel guilty.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:02

@Cocomarine thank you. I’ve told her that daddy would never be replaced, I said he’s the best daddy in the world to her and she is loved so much by all of her family. I agree I probably need to make it very clear that we can’t spend birthdays and christmases together anymore but she gets two holidays and two christmases.

She’s very attached to idea of us being a family which does really upset me but I couldn’t go back, it was very abusive. I’ve always said I will wait until she’s a lot older before I ever settled with anyone so jsut really hurt she seen a man kissing me

OP posts:
namnamnam22 · 07/04/2022 22:02

Kiss aside, I think you need to set boundaries with your ex and also work towards helping your daughter move forward with the fact you’re not together and are unlikely to be together again.

Echobelly · 07/04/2022 22:04

I totally get that it sounds like you wouldn't have had time to pull away and probably wouldn't want to make a big deal of it in front of a group of people who were relaxed and having a nice time - and yes, I know we should call this stuff out but I'm really not going to have a go at anyone for not having a comeback in the moment, most people wouldn't.

I think @Quartz2208 's point is a good one - DD needs to know you are not with her daddy and, sad as it makes her, you and her dad will likely have other partners some time. And also agree with @Cocomarine that you can let her know any new partners won't replace either of you as her mum and dad.

Also make it clear that kissing on the lips doesn't mean people are together, but the man shouldn't have kissed you like that and you didn't want that to happen.

I'm not sure there's much you can do about your ex's feelings honestly, you may just have to accept he won't believe you and hopefully he will let it lie, but maybe concentrate on addressing DD's anxieties.

Dumblebum · 07/04/2022 22:04

Op I think as adults we find it difficult to understand what happened here so I’m unsure a six year old can

It does feel like you were in holiday with your child but actually spent a lot of it with this random bloke and you had a snog and you told her not to tell.

If that’s what it is, just own it, honestly.

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:05

@namnamnam22 she said today on the way home please can daddy come on holiday with us next time and in all honesty I didn’t know how to answer becuase I’m scared to upset her. I just said nanny and grandad would love to come with us. I probably need to sit down with her and be more upfront and honest I just don’t want to hurt her

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:07

You can only spend events together if the child is 100% clear you’re not together, won’t ever be, and accepts that.

I hope you’re not telling her that you’ll wait until she’s older? Even if that’s your plan (and it’s not a bad one) I don’t think it’s a good idea to let her think that’s her decision.

You also don’t have to keep on and on about how wonderful her daddy is. Especially as he’s clearly as arsehole. Don’t speak against him. But stop praising him, or that’s just confusing why you wouldn’t then get back with him!

Original poster
Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:08

@Dumblebum it wasent a lot of time, probably about an hour the first evening and a couple of hours the second eve then they went home. I thought he was ok and nice to talk to

OP posts:
cansu · 07/04/2022 22:09

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Be breezy and unconcerned. Reassure her that her dad will always be her dad. Tell your ex it is none of his business.