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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mistake made, advice please

140 replies

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 21:29

I have already posted on single parents forum but only had two responses and feel really down and need to get it off my chest.

I have been abroad first time as a single parent with DD (6) we had an amazing time until towards end of holiday. Man kissed me in our bar - DD was very upset and the next day she was still upset. She said you are only allowed to kiss daddy (we have been separated 3 years now). I feel sick with guilt over it, she was really really upset and said she doesn’t want a new daddy.

I spoke to her lots the next day that daddy will never ever be replaced he’s the best daddy and he will always be her daddy. She said she was really sad because mummy didn’t want him to kiss her and was going to tell daddy and nanny, so I said she doesn’t need to be sad and tell them because Mummy is ok.

She went to her dads tonight and he messaged and said she ran in and said Mummy has told me I’ve got to keep a secret from you. I didn’t tell her to keep a secret but he’s blown whole thing lit of proportion. Before I went on holiday he had messaged me constantly (even though we have been split up 3 years) saying please tell him who the man is that I’m going on holiday with. It was just me and DD and we had an amazing holiday, but I feel like I’ve proved I’m everything he has always accused me of.

I feel even worse now that she thinks it was a secret, when it wasent. Have I been really unreasonable? Please don’t be too harsh as already feeling really hurt that I’ve let DD down.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 07/04/2022 22:10

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You shouldn't be scared of your daughter's emotions. They are not reasonable and don't need to be indulged. The more guilt you display the more she will push. Be calm, firm and move on.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:11

[quote Mam576]@namnamnam22 she said today on the way home please can daddy come on holiday with us next time and in all honesty I didn’t know how to answer becuase I’m scared to upset her. I just said nanny and grandad would love to come with us. I probably need to sit down with her and be more upfront and honest I just don’t want to hurt her[/quote]
Stop being scared to upset her.
You needed to say, “sweetie, I know you’d like that, but you know daddy and I aren’t together now, so we won’t go on holiday together.”
Let her be upset, let her be angry. Allow her to process the emotions she needs to.
You hurt her more if you don’t.

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:11

@Cocomarine that’s very true, I always praise her daddy. Even though he’s been so abusive towards me, she adores him and I want her to see him in a good light, and I make sure that none of my family say a bad word about him.

No I’ve not told Her I’m going to wait until she’s older, that’s just what I’m planning to do so I can enjoy our time together.

OP posts:

dworky · 07/04/2022 22:11

She hasn't committed a crime, a man unexpectedly kissed her & her child caught sight of it! It's unfortunate but not a mortal sin.

FFS, she's been separated from the father for three years, exactly how long are single mothers meant to keep chaste when & is the same expected of fathers in your wondrous, nuclear family worlds?

LBFseBrom · 07/04/2022 22:14

@AnyFucker

You had a snog with some random in front of your 6yo daughter ?

That. No excuse for it unless he leaned in and kissed you (which would probably be assault).

Never, ever indulge in public displays of affection, especially not in front of your children.

EmergencyPoncho · 07/04/2022 22:14

You say your ex was abusive and I think that has led to you having lower boundaries, due to lower confidence. I would imagine you maybe didn't want to cause a fuss in front of your daughter and other holiday makers and were a bit taken aback. I've been in a situation where someone lunged at me, it comes as a shock, naive as that may sound. Don't beat yourself up OP.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:15

@Mam576 one day he might be abusive towards her. If that happens, she needs to be able to say, “mum, dad does / says… and it makes me feel…”
How is she going to do that, if you’ve spent her whole life telling her the sun shines out of his arse?
Don’t bad mouth him.
But don’t big him up.
You don’t need to say anything about him.
Sure if she says, “my daddy is wonderful” you might want to avoid eye rolls tight lipped silence. So say, “lucky you!” without confirming or denying.

Have you spoken to a charity like Women’s Aid about dealing with this?

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:17

@Cocomarine I definitely agree I need to be honest and upfront with her about the family situation. I don’t know why I am so scared to upset her. When we first split up she was traumatised over it and clearly her dad was putting emotions on her as she would come back from his and say why did you leave daddy and she was only 3 at the time.

And she said not so long ago daddy tells me that you use to argue, I try to gloss over things. She asked my dad today if him and my mum liked her her dad.

OP posts:

Discountclaimed · 07/04/2022 22:17

So much drama! It was a kiss, no big deal. If you show kids it bothers you, or make a fuss, they blow it out of proportion.
Always gloss over it, stay calm and they will forget quickly.

ElenaSt · 07/04/2022 22:19

Am I missing something? You were in a bar with your six year old where one of your new holiday friends was drunk and you didn’t leave?

Why were you even in a bar when you had your child with you?

Toloveandtowork · 07/04/2022 22:20

Oh dear, no freedom for mothers on mumsnet. Just judgement and telling off. Even without the full story.

Tiddlesthecat · 07/04/2022 22:21

My gut feeling is telling me that your ex is using your daughter as a way to try and pressurise you into getting back together or spending more time with him. He may well be instigating some of this by telling her things such as how nice it would be to be a family etc. I. Concerned by his reaction that he could be using her to emotionally blackmail you a bit here OP.

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:21

@Cocomarine I have not spoke to woman’s aid, but I have just started counselling, I’ve only had one session so far and she said we are going to work on boundaries. There was a lot of abuse so hoping the counselling really helps. I think that’s a really sensible suggestion to stop going on about her dad. My mums commented a few times saying stop saying how good her dad is, he does not speak highly of me at all.

OP posts:

Dumblebum · 07/04/2022 22:22

Op I think you need to be honest with your child. Keeping her hopes raised that you may get back together is cruel to be honest. Sit her down, it’s more hurtful not to be honest.

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:22

@ElenaSt it was a family holiday resort

OP posts:

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:25

@Tiddlesthecat I think he has been doing this for 3 years and I’ve told him countless times that she’s upset and I’m concerned he is saying things, but he jsut bites back and says he would never say anything, but I don’t believe it. It’s really difficult, I have not opened up about it until recently when I realised I need to talk to a professional.

OP posts:

GreenTeaPingPong · 07/04/2022 22:25

@Toloveandtowork

Oh dear, no freedom for mothers on mumsnet. Just judgement and telling off. Even without the full story.

Exactly! Even when the OP has literally titled the thread 'Mistake made'. OP, you're a single parent, who has been separated from an abusive ex for three years. How dare you be in a - shock horror - bar! On holiday! Gasp! And to allow someone to kiss you! You should be dressed in a nun's habit and go to bed at 7.30.

anon12345anon · 07/04/2022 22:28

@bluejelly

This!

Your ex sounds like he's making the situation worse and tbh, after 3 years he needs to get a life.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/04/2022 22:29

Stop feeling guilty!

You need to clear a few things up with DD.

You and her Dad are not together and will never be together.

He is her Dad and that's great, but he's not your husband/boyfriend. Stop praising him, he's not great, he's an abusive wanker. Ok she doesn't need to hear that, but she doesn't need you singing his praises either for two reasons, one it's confusing - if you think he's so great then just get back together! 2. When he's abusive to her she needs to be able to come to you & not be wary because you think he's so wonderful.

You need to teach her to get used to the idea that you are a person in your own right! She's not your Boss & neither is your Ex. You're allowed to have friends, a boyfriend.

EX needs telling too, you're not getting back and who you kiss & go on holiday with is precisely NONE of his business!

None!

Stop spending Christmas etc together, it's not 'lovely' for her, it's just bloody confusing.

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:29

I was even considering going back to him (although did not discuss this with anyone) so DD could have what she wants - that family unit where we all had lots of fun together. But I couldn’t go back to what I went through and I know that it’s healthier to show DD that it’s better to be apart and happy than be together and let her see the shell of a person that I was. I would never want her to model future relationships on our past relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mam576 · 07/04/2022 22:31

@GreenTeaPingPong that made me laugh thank you! I know, And I would honestly never take my 6 year old out with me, it was a family all inclusive resort where she (shock horror) played with other children until late at the kids disco.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 22:33

[quote Mam576]@Cocomarine I definitely agree I need to be honest and upfront with her about the family situation. I don’t know why I am so scared to upset her. When we first split up she was traumatised over it and clearly her dad was putting emotions on her as she would come back from his and say why did you leave daddy and she was only 3 at the time.

And she said not so long ago daddy tells me that you use to argue, I try to gloss over things. She asked my dad today if him and my mum liked her her dad.[/quote]
It’s fine to agree that you used to argue with her dad!
Even couples who love and respect each other, sometimes argue.
She’s 6. That means she’s experienced arguing herself with friends at school, I’m sure.
“Yes, we did used to argue, over time we found we disagreed on a lot of things, that’s why we’re not together any more.”

Christinatherabbit · 07/04/2022 22:33

You say he was abusive. It worrys me that he is possibly filling her head with things that have caused her reaction.

ginswinger · 07/04/2022 22:35

Why all the intrusive questions about what kind of kiss she had? It's rather peculiar and somewhat accusatory.

So you had a cheeky kiss, you are allowed to. In fact it's probably a good thing you are moving on.

Your ex sounds awful. I would suggest a bit of distance and some firm rules there. Please don't apologise and you have no need to explain yourself. You really haven't done anything wrong.

Enjoy yourself, find some one new, or don't. Leave the guilt behind and have a few night out without someone wonderful. Or just a good snog.

Isthisit22 · 07/04/2022 22:36

You need to stop praising your ex so much to your daughter as now his word seems to count more than yours (esp as he is probably implying awful things about you). Keep it age appropriate and factual about him, otherwise you risk your daughter idolising him which could lead to trouble as she gets older.

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