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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my MIL??

114 replies

ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 15:48

We live in Australia. Planning our first trip back to the UK in three years for this (UK) summer. SIL also lives abroad and has booked to bring her kids across to the UK at the same time as our visit. My PIL will have their grandchildren (aged 11 down to 2) altogether for the second time ever and after a long spell when Covid made it impossible for them to see any of us. They are v excited obviously.

This is how my bossy, controlling, emotionally tone deaf MIL wants it to go:

  • All the kids, who do not remember each other and speak a couple of times a year on Skype, are going to get on perfectly 24/7 for seven days solid
  • All eleven of us are going to sleep in their quite small house for a full week, including all 6 children sleeping on the floor in one room. The kids are going to love this too and be perfectly well rested and well behaved.
  • As their living room is really small and even MIL acknowledges that there won't be space for everyone, we are going to go on a big outing every day. She gave us some examples, "then we could go to, FOR EXAMPLE, [theme park], then the next day, FOR EXAMPLE, [local national trust]". (She has form for going completely ott on planned activities when we visit... she hears about her friends going to places with their GCs all year and then tries to go to all of them with us when we visit. I nearly asked if she had booked the tickets.)
  • If any of the kids don't want to do any of the above or don't love every second of it, they will be told they are wrong and made to do it anyway. The refrains of DH's childhood were "Don't be silly" and "You'll like it when you get there".

Clearly DH and I think this is all going to end in tears. AIBU to keep the joint visit (with us and SIL) to a max of 4 nights and stay (all 5 of us) at the local premier Inn?

(We would stay with them in their own home on our own for another spell during the trip. We are in the UK for a few weeks in all)

OP posts:
mbosnz · 06/04/2022 15:50

Do it. For the love of God and all familial future relations, do it.

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 15:50

What does DH want to do. It's his family you're visiting so I'd go with that. If everyone ends up miserable at least it won't be blamed on you.

Freddiefox · 06/04/2022 15:52

I think m you need to get dh to speak to her, but I feel she’s just excited to see her family and wants to plan some things to do, however it maybe unrealistic.

The refrains of DH's childhood were "Don't be silly" and "You'll like it when you get there"

Can’t see the problem with this.. my dc’s would prefer to sit on their phones all day. But when we do go they enjoy it

FannyFifer · 06/04/2022 15:54

Do not stay with them, it will be hell, can u rent an air b & b nearby?

Holly60 · 06/04/2022 15:55

I would do that too. I think it will help family relations. But also give your MIL a bit of a break. It must be heartbreaking for her to have all her DGC living abroad and she is understandably uber excited. I always think pay it forward with the karma stakes - it could happen to you and I’m sure you would want your DC/their partners to be kind to you and make the trip as lovely for you as they can without losing their own minds in the process Grin

AntarcticTern · 06/04/2022 15:57

YANBU to stay in the local Premier Inn (6 kids in one room for a week sounds like a nightmare!), but I think you should let MIL plan trips etc.

Ozanj · 06/04/2022 15:58

You need to see it from her point of view. All her gc live abroad & for only the second time ever she gets to see them all together. Of course she’s excited and of course she wants to book trips. In your position I would go along with everything she wants - it’s such a short time in the grand scheme of things.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 15:59

I think you should stay at a Premier Inn for the duration and meet each day. Some days do nice local activities - soft play, picnic in the park etc.

Then every 2nd or 3rd day do the big days out.

It'll stop the kids getting exhausted and overwhelmed.

iklboo · 06/04/2022 16:00

Can’t see the problem with this.. my dc’s would prefer to sit on their phones all day. But when we do go they enjoy it

Even sleeping six to one room on the floor?

HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 16:01

You simply tell her this isn't happening and then you make your own arrangements.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 16:01

@AntarcticTern

YANBU to stay in the local Premier Inn (6 kids in one room for a week sounds like a nightmare!), but I think you should let MIL plan trips etc.
This ^
purplecorkheart · 06/04/2022 16:02

I certainly would be staying at the local Premier Inn. The kids will probably end up, keeping each other awake half the night and then be cranky in the morning.

By staying in a local hotel/airbnb you have a quiet spot to retreat to and practical wise able to shower/use the loo without having to queue for ages..
What does sil think of the whole idea?

Dartmoorcheffy · 06/04/2022 16:03

Have a bit of kindness here. Your MIL is obviously so excited about this. Of course she wants to make plans and make arrangements.

Freddiefox · 06/04/2022 16:03

@iklboo

It was in response to op dh’s being taken on trips when he was younger, not the sleeping arrangement.

Ozanj · 06/04/2022 16:05

@iklboo

Can’t see the problem with this.. my dc’s would prefer to sit on their phones all day. But when we do go they enjoy it

Even sleeping six to one room on the floor?

I have 8 kids in a room most weekends so I don’t see how this is a problem. We just remove the bed and put them all in sleeping bags.
Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:06

I absolutely can see it from her point of view and, obviously, we feel horribly guilty that they have been left alone (especially poor FIL, who is lovely).

However, if we just go along with all her plans, how would you get three kids ranging from 11-2 to play along?? Particularly as they got progressively more and more tired and more and more sick of being bossed around as the week wore on?

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 06/04/2022 16:06

Can you out-enthuse her? Book the premier inn, plan for the kids to do one sleepover night and make it a camp in or something like that so she'll have loads of bragging rights to her friends. And arrange an activity for each day but a small one like a pizza night in her house where the kids make the pizzas. Or if dh's family used to do big frys, or tea or have some sort of family memory organise that- remember you'd make a massive fry in the mornings mom let's do that, or a bbq or whatever. Loads of "making memories". Get dh and SIL on board. One theme park and 4 night overlap max with separate accommodation.

EverNapping · 06/04/2022 16:07

If my family get together had been like this I don't think I'd be in speaking terms with any of them by adulthood. I cannot cope with most of my relatives for anything more than single afternoons. My inner teenage self is having a freak out at the very thought.

Sleep at the local hotel.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 16:07

I have 8 kids in a room most weekends so I don’t see how this is a problem. We just remove the bed and put them all in sleeping bags.

It's very different if it's a regular set up and they know each other well

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 16:09

@ElfinsMum

I absolutely can see it from her point of view and, obviously, we feel horribly guilty that they have been left alone (especially poor FIL, who is lovely).

However, if we just go along with all her plans, how would you get three kids ranging from 11-2 to play along?? Particularly as they got progressively more and more tired and more and more sick of being bossed around as the week wore on?

Well you know your kids best so you leave venues when they've had enough and don't let her boss them around
Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:11

@girlmom21 That's what I would like to happen. But MIL makes it very hard to disagree with her. She interprets even alternative suggestions as opposition. If DH tells her we want to do something different to what she wants she tells y
him he's wrong. If he insists, she cries.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 06/04/2022 16:12

Not a chance I would be staying in a house with 11 other people for 2 nights, never mind a week. I would go on the days out she's landing though.

Thatsplentyjack · 06/04/2022 16:12

I think I would try and get self catering accommodation though.

Sparkletastic · 06/04/2022 16:12

You are going to have to be very firm but kind.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 16:13

[quote ElfinsMum]@girlmom21 That's what I would like to happen. But MIL makes it very hard to disagree with her. She interprets even alternative suggestions as opposition. If DH tells her we want to do something different to what she wants she tells y
him he's wrong. If he insists, she cries.[/quote]
I think he needs to make it very clear beforehand then that you want this to be a nice experience for everyone and it won't be a nice experience if the kids are miserable or exhausted so you'll need to let them lead and she needs to trust yours and DH's judgment.

If she agrees, he can remind her of that if she becomes overbearing.

If she cries, don't pander to her (him not you!)

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