AIBU or is my MIL??

[ElfinsMum]

We live in Australia. Planning our first trip back to the UK in three years for this (UK) summer. SIL also lives abroad and has booked to bring her kids across to the UK at the same time as our visit. My PIL will have their grandchildren (aged 11 down to 2) altogether for the second time ever and after a long spell when Covid made it impossible for them to see any of us. They are v excited obviously.

This is how my bossy, controlling, emotionally tone deaf MIL wants it to go:

• All the kids, who do not remember each other and speak a couple of times a year on Skype, are going to get on perfectly 24/7 for seven days solid
• All eleven of us are going to sleep in their quite small house for a full week, including all 6 children sleeping on the floor in one room. The kids are going to love this too and be perfectly well rested and well behaved.
• As their living room is really small and even MIL acknowledges that there won't be space for everyone, we are going to go on a big outing every day. She gave us some examples, "then we could go to, FOR EXAMPLE, [theme park], then the next day, FOR EXAMPLE, [local national trust]". (She has form for going completely ott on planned activities when we visit... she hears about her friends going to places with their GCs all year and then tries to go to all of them with us when we visit. I nearly asked if she had booked the tickets.)
• If any of the kids don't want to do any of the above or don't love every second of it, they will be told they are wrong and made to do it anyway. The refrains of DH's childhood were "Don't be silly" and "You'll like it when you get there".

Clearly DH and I think this is all going to end in tears. AIBU to keep the joint visit (with us and SIL) to a max of 4 nights and stay (all 5 of us) at the local premier Inn?

(We would stay with them in their own home on our own for another spell during the trip. We are in the UK for a few weeks in all)

Both families flying long haul? Toddlers included? Not a chance in hell those sleeping arrangements would work. Are both families’ kids coming from the East to the UK? Or is SIL coming from Eg USA?

Sleep, shower and eat breakfast at the Premier Inn. All be together for activities, lunch and dinner. Let MIL have her fill for a few days, your DC can suck it up for a few days. It’s grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts. Doesn’t matter if they don’t get on (they’ll undoubtedly find one or more people they do get on with), they have to make an effort for a few days in their lives so far.

As for MIL, not sure what she thinks she’s going to get out of it all. Her plans sound chaotic, rowdy, unruly, really not enjoyable. But maybe she likes that. Let her have her few days. It’s really not that much to ask. By staying at the Premier Inn you are ensuring she gets well rested and best behaved DGC.

@Gizacluethen and @MotherofTerriers Snap!

We have discussed this. We and SIL could definitely afford to treat PIL. And we definitely agree it would work better, ideally three lodges or whatever. I hate to say it, Mumsnet, but Centerparks could be a good option!!

But I think my MIL would experience it as pulling the rug out from under her rather than a treat

How many bedrooms has she got? As well has she got a few bathrooms cos there will be 11 people that will need to bath/shower and that will takes hours. Much as I love my grandkids I also like a bit of peace. Kids will probably have jet lag and be awake at stupid times keeping them up on a night.

It's only a week.I would go for the premier inn option but beyond that would let MIL organise the week. I would expect my DC to make the most of it.

Could you and DP stay at the Premier Inn for the latter part of the trip and have the kids stay with her? Might be nice to have a break and be alone together, and she gets as much grandmother time as she likes?

@yikesanotherbooboo Genuinely, I am wondering how you would express to your kids that they must make the most of it? One or other of my kids generally lose the plot with MIL after a few days because she just expects to tell them exactly what to do and say all day every day. SIL was fairly similar when we last met up: lots of use of boundaries, consequences, reward charts and the naughty step. We are just the opposite end of the spectrum, barefoot hippies the lot of us

Personally I would suck it up, she's so excited and trying to give you a wonderful time. Yes the kids will get cranky guaranteed but I think the better solution is to persuade her to go for simple outings eg local national trust is fine one day but next day the park and a trip to a pub with a play area rather than theme park - if it must be a theme park make it a mini one not Alton towers or Thorpe park! If she has a garden, games out there are a good idea if weather cooperates.

Day trips out will be v expensive to do every day...if they are paying perhaps instead they could rent a big Air b and B where you can all stay for a few days and then just be together but with more space? May cost the same as a few days out?

Stay at a local Premier Inn for you and your husband, and let the kids stay at the grandparents. You live on the other side of the planet, let your kids have a lot of interaction time with their cousins. A massive sleepover sounds great. I would occasionally do it with my cousins (9 of us) so it gave us a chance to bond. Then you can swan off to a peaceful night's sleep at the Premier Inn.

6 children from toddler to preteen all sleeping together for a week? No way will that work. Plus a week of well regulated outings to a timetable with kids who are not used to that. I’d be crying, never mi d the children.

It’s either an air bnb nearby for your family or everyone spreads out in a huge air bnb or 3 cabins at a campsite or Centre Parks.
I can understand your MIL being super excited but 6 miserable, tired, squabbling kids is not the way to make happy memories.
Good luck, I hope you enjoy the visit.

I'd also be saying to MIL, your plans sound wonderful MIL, but just bear in mind that the kids may not run like clockwork, we might have to be a bit adaptable. It's a bloody long haul for kids - and quite frankly I've found that it's about a week before they're back to normal! (Let alone us old farts who have had the joy of looking after them. . .)

You absolutely must do what is best for your little family (Premier Inn). DH must be the one to tell MIL.

Don't feel bad. It's all a question of the roles we play, bear with me on this one.
MIL is no longer the parent. DH & you are no longer the children.
YOU are the parents. They are YOUR children. Therefore you decide. MIL has to accept this.

And you are right it would lead to frayed tempers all round. Agree in haste and you will repent at leisure.

Don't you get it OP?
It only counts as a visit if everyone comes to MILs house, so the neighbours can see. (Well, that was the case with mine, she would never come to ours.)
Staying at Centreparcs Will Not Do.
It's very interesting that both of MILs DCs now live about as far away as they possibly could. Is there more to the controlling side of her that you have not mentioned? To be fair, you've given a few clues!
I also vote hotel all the way.

You will have jet lag so you can’t possibly meet up straight away. I would do Premier Inn for the whole trip and start the meet ups on day 3.
You know she’s going to cry etc. So I would get your DP to prepare for that and stand firm anyway.
Is there any possibility you could nobble FIL in advance and get him to break it to his wife?

When things go wrong, people like this always blame other people. Your poor frazzled children will be struggling and she’ll be calling them spoilt. It will be an absolute nightmare. Don’t do it.

Genuinely, I am wondering how you would express to your kids that they must make the most of it? One or other of my kids generally lose the plot with MIL after a few days because she just expects to tell them exactly what to do and say all day every day.

Your kids are humans, not robots. You can't make them do anything. Tell them what the plan is, tell them that they have to behave themselves. If they don't, well that's that. Your MIL will just have to deal with it. If she thinks she can go about telling young children what to do, when, and how, for an entire week, and actually be listened to - well, more fool her. I'm sure your kids will speak their minds. Anyway, she's the one who wants them under her roof for a week!

As long as your children aren't rude to her and don't break her house, the rest is just what it is. Kids are boisterous, loud, unruly. Children who have traveled a long way, and are far from home, and excitable because they're around other kids ON HOLIDAY, cannot be expected to be perfect. Only an idiot would expect that.

YANBU to want to stay in a hotel for part of the trip but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable with regards to your MIL. She barely sees her son or GC so of course she would want to squeeze in all the things she misses out on into the visit, or at least as much as possible.
It’s only once every coupon of years so I would just suck it up to be honest. Different if she was over planning but you seen her all the time imo.

@tobedtoMN I think it's pretty common for grandparents not to make this shift successfully though, eh? And I can make decisions for my kids, of course, but I can't change how my MIL feels about them.

@OutingHobby

What does DH want to do. It's his family you're visiting so I'd go with that. If everyone ends up miserable at least it won't be blamed on you.

So you would be miserable squashed and force to do things you don't want to because dh says ok.

@Lunificent Nailed it.

Except you've missed the part where my kids have already lost it but I coach them through just holding it together for a day or two longer so that by the time we leave it feels like letting off the pressure cooker.

(Poor woman, I actually don't think she has any inkling that she has this affect on those around her. But she isn't close to any of her large family so I don't think it's just us.)

You could hire some pop up tents for the garden ? I think all ages would love that or a teepee ?

Days out … bit more difficult but if you go and it does not work out can you leave early if using own transport ?

You are not being unreasonable with the accommodation thing, it’ll be a night mare for all of you to stay together in that house for week. The premier inn advice sounds good or if you and sil want to stay together, maybe get a self catering air bnb .
However I’ll personally be happy with her planning trips, it’s like she’s trying to make all the memories at once because she sees you all once in a couple of years and the children will get to be with their cousins as well in a fun place

Can you lean in to the thought behind some of the day trips and redirect them a bit. Sort of “oh the kids will be so excited to see you and be all together that they don’t need big thrills from trips every day too. They’d would absolutely love #makingmemories by cooking with you? And a sleepover would be so much for fun if it’s a special one off? Maybe all the kids could help you set up camp in the spare room and turn the lounge into a fearsome jungle/wildwood! Much more special to our family than going to Attraction Centre like all the other sheeple.”

She’s excited, but also sounds like she’s awful. Try to do excited with her rather than anything that sounds too much like squashing her plans. The good thing with you going to visit her is she can’t actually make you stay in her house.

Well that sounds like hell on earth. As if the long haul flights on either end of the trip aren’t going to be bad enough

I would book the hotel. You’ll appreciate the breathing space, especially after said long haul flights.

And don’t be held to ransom by tears. Your needs matter too.

You want to foster a good relationship with the grandparents. If your kids are jetlagged, overwhelmed, overcrowded and upset they’re unlikely to enjoy themselves, they’re unlikely to have good memories of the trip, and they’re unlikely to want to repeat the experience.