AIBU or is my MIL??

[ElfinsMum]

We live in Australia. Planning our first trip back to the UK in three years for this (UK) summer. SIL also lives abroad and has booked to bring her kids across to the UK at the same time as our visit. My PIL will have their grandchildren (aged 11 down to 2) altogether for the second time ever and after a long spell when Covid made it impossible for them to see any of us. They are v excited obviously.

This is how my bossy, controlling, emotionally tone deaf MIL wants it to go:

• All the kids, who do not remember each other and speak a couple of times a year on Skype, are going to get on perfectly 24/7 for seven days solid
• All eleven of us are going to sleep in their quite small house for a full week, including all 6 children sleeping on the floor in one room. The kids are going to love this too and be perfectly well rested and well behaved.
• As their living room is really small and even MIL acknowledges that there won't be space for everyone, we are going to go on a big outing every day. She gave us some examples, "then we could go to, FOR EXAMPLE, [theme park], then the next day, FOR EXAMPLE, [local national trust]". (She has form for going completely ott on planned activities when we visit... she hears about her friends going to places with their GCs all year and then tries to go to all of them with us when we visit. I nearly asked if she had booked the tickets.)
• If any of the kids don't want to do any of the above or don't love every second of it, they will be told they are wrong and made to do it anyway. The refrains of DH's childhood were "Don't be silly" and "You'll like it when you get there".

Clearly DH and I think this is all going to end in tears. AIBU to keep the joint visit (with us and SIL) to a max of 4 nights and stay (all 5 of us) at the local premier Inn?

(We would stay with them in their own home on our own for another spell during the trip. We are in the UK for a few weeks in all)

We have a somewhat similar situation in DP’s family. MIL goes absolutely loopy planning in the run up. Every little outing like a farm trip involves about 40 people, relatives from both sides of the family come to everything. The visiting kids understandably misbehave because they’re out of routine and because it’s such a pressure cooker situation. Visiting SIL always moans that it’s not much of a holiday. DP and the DSis that lives over here get it in the neck from MIL if they don’t drop their lives and participate in absolutely everything.

They leave and I breathe a hugeee sigh of relief. They haven’t been since before Covid so the next one is going to be fraught.

The key thing to remember is that young children are unable to rationalise not getting enough sleep, for multiple days, they simply can't cope and become deranged.

It's not fair on them.
They may also have jet lag to cope with too.
Your holiday and that of your husband's could be utterly ruined by trying to comfort cranky, unhappy children.

Do one night if you must, but into the Premier Inn for the rest.

I think risking upsetting MIL is the only topion - the earlier you do it, the longer she has to get over it!

Just be blunt - Hi MIL, cant wait to see you. We found a super good deal on a local hotel and have booked to stay there for our journey, with the DC the ages they are at its important they are able to have some privacy and im sure the others wouldnt like the youngest waking them through the night!
Let me know if you need any help with booking activities! Were all super looking forward to coming'

Dont allow her to have the option to control where people sleep and what they do - just tell her soon and she will have time to adjust to the idea.

@Childof70s I absolutely recognise, and have acknowledged in this thread, that MIL is trying to squeeze everything she misses day to day into a few short days - this is absolutely the vibe when we have spoken to her about it. And I also completely get the keeping up with her friends thing too.

But just because she very much wants to fulfil her hopes and dreams of being a grandma doesn't actually mean that we as a family can deliver them, does it? I mean the seeds of this problem were planted 30-40 years ago: deep down I reckon she knows that but she hopes that if she can just stage manage everything hard enough, she can still get to something that looks (but won't feel sadly) like everything is rosey.

Op I think we all know 6 kids in one room will be a nightmare.

If a couple of the older ones really get on they are likely to laugh and giggle half the night keeping the wee ones up.
My friend was brave enough to allow three 8 yos to sleep in the one room they were still giggling at 5am and be exhausted themselves the next day.

Then taken into account LOs trying to sleep / being woken up.
Not to mention the toilets - que for the loo!

Book the hotel- give your kids some space

I think its unfair to expect anyone child or not to sleep on a floor after travelling from Australia. Tell your husband you are staying in a hotel local to them and visit all day everyday if you want.
One family at the most is enough to be staying with them.She seems a bit overbearing anyway

Updated after lengthy phone call to SIL: she and her kids also find staying with these GPs v stressful and she is aiming to maximise their time with her in laws during their trip because her kids much prefer staying there.

Ouch. This is a vicious cycle: the more we all try and avoid MIL, the more pressure she places on the few days she gets and the more stressful our stays are.

SIL loves the idea of Centreparcs or similar and reckons she can swing it with her mum. Have just had to break it to my DH that he may be about to pay upwards of £2k to stay in a couple of sheds off the M6 or possibly the M1

Cheap if it means you all get to sleep and enjoy the visit!

I don't see why everyone being squashed in one house is seen as an ideal solution by anyone. It's a shame SIL has chosen the same dates to visit as 2 separate visits would have allowed the GPs to get to know their grandchildren better and catch up with their children. I would refuse to stay in the house. Staying nearby with your own space is much better for everyone. Center parks may be good if everyone likes the water

I also think that children need some actual holiday time when you do things just with your nuclear family for a few days not one long relly visit.

Centre parcs or a large rental is the way forward.

Your MIL seems to have forgotten that the grandchildren are real humans with personalities, moods, and differing privacy requirements.

The Center Parc idea is a good one. But at the same time seeing England and the "old stuff" can be really exciting for kids living in New countries.

I remember one of my cousins finding old headstones fascinating along with castles and that sort of stuff.

@2Rebecca Yep, we do build in family holiday time. First trip home we didn't and we all got back here after 3 weeks, looked at each other and went "That wasn't a holiday"

Have done a couple of short breaks to Europe mid trip in the past and had a lovely time but that seems a bit ambitious on the first trip post Covid and anyway we are paying a small fortune for our main flights this time because demand is so high after the borders reopened.

@Ozanj

You need to see it from her point of view. All her gc live abroad & for only the second time ever she gets to see them all together. Of course she’s excited and of course she wants to book trips. In your position I would go along with everything she wants - it’s such a short time in the grand scheme of things.

Ah no, it'd be chaos, and could well end up with rows and fall-outs! I'd say the MIL is absolutely beside herself with excitement and who could blame her but, she's being fair unrealistic and has even lost the run of herself a bit. YANBU OP, I think ye should do as you are planning but your DH should have a gentle chat to his mother and try and talk her down a bit! Once she understands that 6 kids all sleeping in the one room for nights on end would most likely be sheer mayhem, and the schedule she's proposing would exhaust her, and all of ye too, hopefully she will be happy to accept your compromise. I feel for her but I think your right, just the thought of what she's suggesting makes me feel tired! Good luck OP!