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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my MIL??

114 replies

ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 15:48

We live in Australia. Planning our first trip back to the UK in three years for this (UK) summer. SIL also lives abroad and has booked to bring her kids across to the UK at the same time as our visit. My PIL will have their grandchildren (aged 11 down to 2) altogether for the second time ever and after a long spell when Covid made it impossible for them to see any of us. They are v excited obviously.

This is how my bossy, controlling, emotionally tone deaf MIL wants it to go:

  • All the kids, who do not remember each other and speak a couple of times a year on Skype, are going to get on perfectly 24/7 for seven days solid
  • All eleven of us are going to sleep in their quite small house for a full week, including all 6 children sleeping on the floor in one room. The kids are going to love this too and be perfectly well rested and well behaved.
  • As their living room is really small and even MIL acknowledges that there won't be space for everyone, we are going to go on a big outing every day. She gave us some examples, "then we could go to, FOR EXAMPLE, [theme park], then the next day, FOR EXAMPLE, [local national trust]". (She has form for going completely ott on planned activities when we visit... she hears about her friends going to places with their GCs all year and then tries to go to all of them with us when we visit. I nearly asked if she had booked the tickets.)
  • If any of the kids don't want to do any of the above or don't love every second of it, they will be told they are wrong and made to do it anyway. The refrains of DH's childhood were "Don't be silly" and "You'll like it when you get there".

Clearly DH and I think this is all going to end in tears. AIBU to keep the joint visit (with us and SIL) to a max of 4 nights and stay (all 5 of us) at the local premier Inn?

(We would stay with them in their own home on our own for another spell during the trip. We are in the UK for a few weeks in all)

OP posts:
SatinHeart · 06/04/2022 16:14

@Ozanj

You need to see it from her point of view. All her gc live abroad & for only the second time ever she gets to see them all together. Of course she’s excited and of course she wants to book trips. In your position I would go along with everything she wants - it’s such a short time in the grand scheme of things.
Yep I'm afraid I think I'd suck it up for a week.

Although we live in the same country as MIL, she has 4 other grandchildren who live abroad (long haul) and I've watched how heartbreaking that has been for her over the years, even before COVID.

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 16:15

@Ozanj

You need to see it from her point of view. All her gc live abroad & for only the second time ever she gets to see them all together. Of course she’s excited and of course she wants to book trips. In your position I would go along with everything she wants - it’s such a short time in the grand scheme of things.
I partly agree with this but not all. A house heaving with kids will be tough on everyone so the Premier Inn idea is a good one. Why restrict all the kids being together to four days though? That feels really mean.
chisanunian · 06/04/2022 16:17

You can't have six children with that age range sharing one room. They will have completely different bedtimes for one thing, and where on earth is all their stuff going to go?

mbosnz · 06/04/2022 16:20

Has MIL factored in jet lag and disrupted sleep patterns?

FinnRussell · 06/04/2022 16:21

The sleeping arrangements aren't workable. Get your SIL on board and present a united front to your MIL. Premier Inn sounds much better. The day trips you need to suck up I think. Hire your own car and use it to carve out down time. Good luck.

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:21

@Blossomtoes Why restrict to 4 days? Because the kids don't know each other at all. What if some of them don't get on?? I can tolerate coaching my kids through a couple more awkward days without upsetting grandma but not more than that. It isn't fair on them.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 16:23

[quote ElfinsMum]@Blossomtoes Why restrict to 4 days? Because the kids don't know each other at all. What if some of them don't get on?? I can tolerate coaching my kids through a couple more awkward days without upsetting grandma but not more than that. It isn't fair on them.[/quote]
But what if they do get on and absolutely love being together? Just play it by ear a bit.

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:27

@FinnRussell We will have our own car. Like the idea of taking some scenic routes to catch naps etc.

(Love the user name btw, he's a joy to watch even on catch up from down here!)

OP posts:
Merrymouse · 06/04/2022 16:30

I agree you need to ‘suck it up’ to an extent, but by allowing the children to retreat and regroup you are increasing the chances that the days will go well.

You have said that you are also happy to stay with them as a smaller family group, so she will still get to spend time with her gc then.

It sounds as though you are just sensibly managing expectations.

maddy68 · 06/04/2022 16:30

I think that sounds bloody lovely
That's what family occasions are like? Did you never have big Christmases etc?
The kids will bicker and fall out.and make up. That's what makes them bond and they will have this fab memory forever

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:31

@blossomtoes I appreciate they may get on well and then it will seem like we made the wrong choice.

How would you play it by ear exactly? Both families are flying long haul to meet up.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 06/04/2022 16:35

While it's one thing to expect adults to suck it up, I think it's unrealistic to expect children to be able to do so to the same degree. If the children have some down time in a quiet space of their own, and know that they're going to have that if they need it, I think it's most probably going to be a lot easier for the children to behave and enjoy their visit, which of course is going to make it easier for all the adults to do so as well!

Merrymouse · 06/04/2022 16:35

You also know your own children OP. Some children (and adults) would thrive in this situation, others wouldn’t.

If at the end of a long day all the children still want to camp out together, you can always change your mind, however by booking the hotel you can make that a choice, not an ordeal.

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:37

@maddy68 Yeah I was a shy kid. That shit terrified me. I only learnt to enjoy parties once there was alcohol!

(At least two of my kids are like me. I think the toddler isn't so much)

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 06/04/2022 16:37

My grandparents used to invite too many people to stay in their little flat all the same time when I was a child, and it would usually be with cousins that I only saw once a year at most. I have very fond memories of us all sleeping on every spare inch of floor, it was great. If the adults were finding it hellish (which thinking about it now, most of them probably were) they did a good job of hiding it.

saraclara · 06/04/2022 16:41

Of course she wants you all there and wants to host you all.

I'd say that focusing on the different bedtimes is the logical and unarguable bit, if you want to suggest the Premier Inn. We used to have all the kids in one room when the eleven of us were all at my inlaws, but there was only four years between the oldest and youngest cousins.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 16:44

Do you mean you only want to spend 4 days with your PILs in total?

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 16:46

[quote ElfinsMum]@blossomtoes I appreciate they may get on well and then it will seem like we made the wrong choice.

How would you play it by ear exactly? Both families are flying long haul to meet up.[/quote]
By being flexible. If they all get on be prepared to extend the time they’re together If you’re coming from the other side of the world, presumably you’ll be here for a reasonable amount of time.

RussianSpy101 · 06/04/2022 16:49

I think YABU wrt the activities. She is clearly very excited and trying to make the trip exciting and enjoyable for the children.
I personally don’t see the issue with doing a different activity every day. Surely that’s what the majority of us do during the school holidays?
We’re in Cornwall this week and we’ve done something different every day. I also don’t see why the Childrens ages would have any bearing on that. If the 2yo naps surely they can do this in the car either or both on the way to and from the day out? If the 2yo has a buggy they will probably sleep in there too.

YANBU regarding the bedroom situation so I would probably be looking for an airbnb if I were you.

user1471538283 · 06/04/2022 16:52

Book the Premier Inn and offer that your children and their cousins can sleep over with them. I give it one night.

I think going to the attractions are manageable if the children have slept. Maybe the group can divide by age so the DGP have the little ones doing something and the next day the older ones?

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 06/04/2022 16:52

@AryaStarkWolf 4 nights with PIL, SIL and her kids. Then another (say) 5 nights later in our trip with just PIL.

We try to keep total nights fairly even between both sets of parents.

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 06/04/2022 16:54

I would suggest renting a big place together somewhere she can brag to her friends about, and that has things to do closeby that don't take a full day. Like the seaside,, can go to beach, most have a funfair, arcades etc or lake district, can go on a boat trip then home to chill and nap. You could even all get cabins that are close together like a forestholidays so you have your own space but you're all together.
If you can afford it share the costs with siblings so you're all treating her to a holiday that makes her feel special.

MotherofTerriers · 06/04/2022 16:55

Would it be possible to rent a very large holiday house for all of you - so that there's enough space to do activities together but also space for people to retreat to?

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 16:56

[quote ElfinsMum]@AryaStarkWolf 4 nights with PIL, SIL and her kids. Then another (say) 5 nights later in our trip with just PIL.

We try to keep total nights fairly even between both sets of parents.[/quote]
ah OK, I was thinking there's no way they're flying all the way from Oz for just 4 nights!

Sandra2010 · 06/04/2022 16:56

Half and half - could you fib a bit and tell her you don't think one of your kids (or you!) will sleep in that situation and maybe it would be better for you all to sleep in the Premier Inn. But, do her activities and let her be grandma. This is really blunt, I don't want to cause offence, but it may be the last chance she gets to have everyone together.